This issue was made in the intentions of particpating in April Fools’ Day. The stories in this issue are fictionalized and do not in any way represent the views of The Patriot or the University of the Cumberlands. We hope you enjoy!
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BY T R EN T ON CA N A DA
AssistantEditor
Residents at the University of the Cumberlands awoke Tuesday morning to find that the electricity had been turned off in all on-campus dorms
“At first I thought I’d gone blind, but then I started yelling at my roommate, and he said he couldn’t see either. We tried to turn the lights on, but they were gone,” said Darren Sparks, a freshman at UC “We heard other people yelling from down the hall, too.”
UC officials released a statement late Tuesday afternoon, assuring the student population that the lights had been turned off for a valid reason According to the statement, the administration has chosen to focus the university’s funds toward more productive means around campus, such as “developing more landscaped areas for visual appeal” and beginning “construction to expand the football stadium.”
One administrator, who declined to have his name included in this article, said, “I understand that the students may think that this is somewhat extreme, but in time they’ll come to understand our decision. We only want what’s best for them. Electricity isn’t really needed on campus. Our founders worked for years by candlelight, and I think we’ll come to accept that this is a tradition that will herald us into the future.” He went on to say, “What our university really needs to focus on is gaining more athletic merit. We can’t seem to keep our athletes in school, so we have to appeal to them That’s why we’ve chosen to take all of the funding for electricity and channel it into our football stadium and per-
haps even adding new sports fields.”
The community surrounding the university has praised the choice to focus more attention on sports. Joseph Simpleton, a resident of Williamsburg, Kentucky, said, “It’s about time the school gave more to sports. It helps the regular people out in the community We don’t get anything from those students being able to read at night, but we do get something from watching those touchdowns and slam dunks.”
The news that power would be striped from their on-campus facilities resulted in mixed responses from the student body. Jennifer Riot, an honor student at UC, stated in a letter addressed to the board of directors, “We’ve been denied the right to power Education should not have to come second to that of sports Our departments need computer labs, and our library needs books that aren’t irrelevant to modern times. We, the students, are craving the resources to be educated and expand our knowledge, but it’s not offered ”
The official response to this was, “Turning off the lights around UC’s campus will not hinder the educational pursuits of our students. We must learn to utilize what we have, such as the sun and moon light provided by God He gives us that knowing that we can place our funds in other places, like our athletics programs. He is without a doubt a Patriots fan and He’s telling us to ‘go deep’.”
BY A SH T ON R E C T OR
StaffWriter
Henrietta, the ghost who previously resided in Gillespie Hall, has decided to move dorms before the end of the semester She will be packing and making her exit from the hall the first weekend in April in hopes to make new friends whom has never met her before. Henrietta says, “I’m just ready for a change, everyone is used to me being around in Gillespie so it’s just not as fun anymore.”
Rumor has it; Henrietta’s boyfriend had decided to leave her, while she was a student at the University of the Cumberlands, causing her to commit suicide. However, she has never truly left the university as she has kept her ghostly presence among the student population. Henrietta chose not to comment on this matter
Her plans are to move closer to the male dorms in hopes to find a new fiancé, as well. Henrietta also adds, “I have become really close with some of
the girls in Gillespie, I visit them often, but I’m more interested now in finding someone to settle down with It’s time to move on ”
Students on campus have varying opinions about this matter. UC student and resident of Gillespie, Felicia Webb, emphatically replied to the news with “Bye, Henrietta ” While other students are eager to meet the ghost and welcome her with open arms. UC student Katie Dots, Henrietta’s new roommate, is quiet eager to receive a new college. Dots states, “I’ve never seen a ghost before and she’s so popular I’m just afraid it will be hard to keep things on the walls because I know she has a problem with that.”
Any students interested in helping Henrietta move out her personal items can meet on Gillespie Hall’s front porch on April 1st to ensure she has a successful move
BY J I L L I A N CA R PEN T ER
AssistantEditor
Starting in fall of 2016, University of the Cumberlands is going to offer all classes only in the Hebrew language UC has always been focused on keeping its faculty, staff, and students grounded in the roots of Christianity. Each student is required to take two religion courses before they graduate and attend at least two faith convocations each semester The campus offers several active faithbased groups, such as Baptist Campus Ministries.
The King James Version of the Bible, originally translated by over 50 scholars from a combination of the English, Greek and Hebrew manuscripts, is what is widely used on this campus currently. However, debate of translation inconsistencies have caused UC to make the decision to get back to the original Hebrew manuscripts that the King James Version is based on Dr Bob Dunston, religion professor at UC, is all for this new requirement. "We want students to have a knowledge of the original Scriptures, so they can make decisions for themselves rather than simply believing that these translations are true " say Dunston.
Getting a well-rounded of an understanding of a foreign language is no easy task Learning a language with a different alphabet is even harder It's a task that should take more than four years worth of classes. In order to ensure that each student has a sufficient understanding of Hebrew by the time they graduate, UC is going to offer all classes only in Hebrew, in addition to requiring all students to take six semesters of Hebrew language courses. The transition will
start in summer of 2016. Instructors will go through an intensive, 16-week set of Hebrew courses Instructors will be allowed to teach in a mixture of Hebrew and English for the first fall semester during this transition. After, instructors will only be permitted to teach in a mixture of Hebrew and English for all 100 level classes Classes level 200 and up will be taught only in Hebrew Each student will be required to speak in Hebrew during all classes, as well as complete all homework, online and paper, in Hebrew. While grammar and spelling will only be intensely scrutinized during Hebrew language classes, points will be taken off assignments in all classes if the work is hard to understand. Also, all the religion classes will be taught using both the version of the Bible that is currently being used as well has the original Hebrew bible "It's going to be a rough transition, but I fully believe it will be worth it once the new system begins to work smoothly." says Dunston.
The university hopes that the students will be able to write and speak fluently in Hebrew by the end of a four-year education. Being a Christian university, UC wants students to have a well-rounded knowledge of Christianity. They hope this will help students obtain more knowledge and get closer to Christ in the process.
Phot o by Pat R iot
BY LY DI A JA Y StaffWriter
Although fans of One Direction are saddened to hear of the departure of Zayn Malik. There are those who question the fate of One Direction as a band with just four of the band mates instead of five. However, One Direction’s representative has insisted and reassured fans that they will continue to be the best that they can be and that Harry, Louis, Niall, and Liam are excited for their upcoming recording album and their next tour seeing their adoring fans who mean so much to them Nevertheless, One Direction is open to adding a new member to their band Due to the short notice of pursuing a new member for their band they are holding a worldwide audition for a potential new addition that would be a valueable asset to the group Many singers across the world are signing up to audition for a once in a lifetime opportunity, to be the new fifth member of One Direction.
In a surprising, yet related, story, University of the Cumberlands Dean of Undergraduate Studies, Retention, and Assessment Dr Tom Fish has recently announced his departure from the University of Cumberlands to the Board of
Trustees to pursue this opportunity with One Direction Dr Fish’s reasoning for this abrupt departure from the University is solely to pursue his dream of displaying his melodic, harmonizing vocals for the world to hear. Fish hopes to nail the audition and go on to travel the world with One Direction He noted that for many years he’s been hoping to join a singing group of males from England. Fish is seizing the moment by going after his dream.
Dr Fish says, “My time spent at University of the Cumberlands has been well spent and I will forever be grateful, however the time has come for me to share with the world my musical talents".
Although Dr Fish will be missed, may we all accept and honor his decision and we wish him the best as he pursues this new story of his life
BY N ATA SH A JON E S Editor-in-Chief
The University of the Cumberlands office of multimedia and athletic services has announced that the medieval sport of jousting will be added to the list of our extensive athletic programs here at UC. If you’re not familiar with jousting, in this sport two opponents dressed in heavy armor, mounted on horses with long swords charge at one another and the object is to knock the other opponent off their horse.
For those of you who think this sport is too dangerous, rest assured they’ve already got the safety precautions and possible incentives ready to negotiate Tiny Tomlin, the head coach of the new jousting team said, “Jousters will be provided the best of medical insurance to cover any injuries that might occur, medical personnel will be on sight at every tournament, and in addition to wearing armor, the jouster ’s uniform will have several layers of bubble wrap to ensure a safe fall when crumbling to their defeat.”
In the event of a life shattering injury, the university is prepared to compensate students. “Free textbooks and getting ownership of the horses they competed with. No payment needed at all. Jousters will be given their tournament horse,” said Tomlin
While some may frown upon this addition, the administration truly believes it continues to give us an edge over all other universities We’re all about breaking records and that’s why we feel we should be the first university to bring jousting as a sport to our students. Go big or go home is a well-known phrase known to our campus and we believe that’s exactly what we’re doing with this move.
While in our first year, our players will compete against one another for showcase and will be judged by a handpicked panel of historians who specialize in the study of jousting. We predict that in the years to come other universities in the mid south conference will follow our lead and create a jousting team, which will populate a pool of competitors
Both a men’s and women’s team will be available which will make a total of 24 athletic programs offered to females and also 24 athletic programs offered to males This addition will continue to give UC the reputation that shows why we’re the number one private college around.
BY SH YA N N NOR R I S StaffWriter
As graduation approaches for many, it is the time where everyone scrambles and hustles around to make sure everything they need done is completed in time to apply for graduation. A few years ago, many nearly graduated seniors of the spring semester have been notified that not all requirements and credits were completely fulfilled after thinking for past months that graduation was just ahead.
These credits and requirements that they were lacking though were nothing ordinary and most didn’t even have anything to do with their major Students with high honors and GPAs were even getting told that they were missing a credit or two in something that was UC required for a college diploma. These students had no idea They were dumbfounded by the fact that they could possibly not graduate as early as anticipated because of a few credits that weren’t even required for their particular bachelor ’s degree. Would this mean they were just going to quit school completely so they wouldn’t have to complete an entire year over again for a few silly credits? What would their future be like? After speaking to one of these students, we got a little bit of insight of what it was like to be in their shoes.
After a risky and upsetting interview for some of these students, it was discovered that convocation was what was holding them up from receiving their diploma in May.
Suzie Sanderson stated, “I was anticipating graduation after ordering my cap and gown and everything, but I never got to walk across the stage. All I could remember was a phone call saying I had failed convo.”
Tears were shed as the student explained that she was unable to complete another entire year because of family issues she needed to be home for and the
funds weren’t there.
Sanderson added, while crying, “There were no more funds available for me to continue on, I just had to give up.”
This meant dropping out for Sanderson. After all of the work that had been put into these four years, she had no other choice but to continue on with their plans (minus the diploma and being a college graduate).
We were able to meet up with some of these students recently to see where they were now in the world Some had decent jobs that made what they would with their college degree; however, most didn’t The student we had formerly had a detailed interview with had explained to me that they were now working at McDonald’s in Louisville making $7 90 an hour “It is terrible work, I am probably stuck here with a lifelong career,” Sanderson said Sanderson was desperate for something more, but there was no way possible. This potential college graduate with a criminal justice degree was now barely making ends meet at a chain restaurant, all because she didn’t pass convocation.
With all this in mind, we can learn from past occurrences and go to convocation as recommended in our UC handbook I know it can be challenging at times to manage classes and convocation but it is much better to handle a little bit of stress and have to manage time more wisely for a few years than to work at a chain restaurant or do “dirty work” the rest of your life after spending all of your time and money in school for four or more years.
Sanderson insisted that she made sure you were left with this, “Go to convo kid, each and every one of you ”
BY AU T U M N COON E Y StaffWriter
April Fools' Day, it can be the best or the worst day of the year, depending on how well you can take a joke and the role you play on this day of days But how did it all begin? The day's beginning is a mystery The most realistic theory is that it began in the 1500s, when France changed to the Gregorian calendar, shifting New Year celebrations from late March to January There were still those who celebrated New Year ’s in the spring and were called “fools,” thus April Fools’ was born. Over the years the holiday grew into a worldwide chaotic prank fest. Some pranks created laughter, others fear, some chaos, but there are a few that have made the record books as being “The Greatest Pranks of all Time!” Such as “The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest,” in 1957. The “Eruption of Mount Edgecumbe,” in 1974, and Nixon for President, in 1992. There’s so many more! April Fools’ is a time for laughter and shenanigans made by all With April Fools’ Day around the corner, several University of the Cumberlands students revealed their “Greatest April Fools’ Pranks.” It turns out that the University of the Cumberlands has some pretty devious pranksters amongst the student body. But who is the Fool of Fools?
Female, Sophomore (Age 19)
“My older sister is deathly afraid of birds. I decided to use this to my advantage last year for April Fools’. She leaves for work at 8:00 in the morning; the night before I took jars of peanut butter and smeared it all over her car I took me two hours and 10 jars of peanut butter, but once the peanut butter was all over her car, I threw handfuls of bird seed on top of her car. I woke up to her screaming as she went to leave for work I’m pretty sure the whole town heard her scream! The birds sure did because they flew away instantly. But they came back for seconds because her car was like that the entire day. My family still doesn’t know it was me ”
Male, Senior. (Age, 22)
“My little brother wanted a dog once I went off to college I figured that if I could be a grown up so could he. He was 12 at the time. My parents wouldn’t give in and buy him the dog so I finally bought one for him. But once I got it for him week after week I was getting these annoying phone calls from my mom, telling me how he’s not taking care of the pup. Well, I finally went home, and it was just a coincidence that it was April Fools’ weekend. When I got
home my brother was at school so I took the pup over to my friend’s house. When my brother came home I asked him where the dog was He searched everywhere for that dog he never took care of I had my other friend come over with an old torn up dog collar. We told my little brother his dog got ran over. I’ve never seen him so upset The next day I had my friend bring the pup back Since then he’s taken great care of it Lesson learned ”
Female, Freshman. (Age, 18)
“I worked in an office for my first job I was absolutely horrible and my boss was a total slave driver. He would always say something wasn’t good enough, only because it wasn’t done ‘his’ way. It was my job to get the doughnuts in the morning for all the workers Everyone for some reason loved powered doughnuts. So I got the doughnuts the night before and added an extra ingredient to them. Baking Soda. I took them to work the next morning and within minutes they were all gone As I started organizing my desk all you could hear was sounds of disgust filling the office. I’ve never laughed to much in my life.”
Male, Senior. (Age 23)
“Last April Fools’ I wanted to do the prank of all pranks. I live in a small town where there are little stores and shops everywhere you turn Me and my buddy woke up just as the sun was rising and went into each store wearing face masks. We went into each store getting all the money out of each and every cash register we ran into The over-all total was 10 stores and $50,000 To this day I’m still surprised that the police never showed up. But we drove just outside the city limits and buried all the case by a tree on a hill. And we agreed to only use the money when it was necessary When we drove pack into town the police showed up and were assisting all the shop owners. No one had any idea that it was us. And to this day if you walk through my town you’ll hear the story of the “two that robbed us all ” It was the greatest prank to ever be played. But it was a team effort and has been beneficial after all these years. How do you think I pay to attend the University of the Cumberlands? College isn’t cheap That’s the truth, but the story I just told is not April Fools!”
