Creature
Creatchie wants REVENGE! 25
Opossum
Spurts
Just look at this thing. It’s such an ass. Get a job!
Campus sports teams play sports
getaway December 14nd, 2011 AD Giant-Size No. 1!
Volume goes to 11
THE
w e l aunde r mo ne y th ro ugh o ur a ds b ut s h h d on ’t t ell a n yon e
whiny Art guys
Campus musical actually happens,
Arts profs voters rethink democracy struggle to SU turns money into music on Page 12 find meaning in life with budget cuts Fat Orgy
slender gent @ilikeThemsweaty The union representing the University of Alberta’s arts professors announced earlier today that they are finding it increasingly difficult to rationalize their jobs with the constant budget cuts and have had to resort to begging for food and selling their crafts on Etsy to make ends meet. Sources close to the faculty said everyone is disheartened and trying to understand their own emotions through a gendered rubric. The faculty’s union representative, Professor Adams Samuel, a distinguished scholar in the field of historiographical entimology, said about 10 per cent of the faculty are stuck in “psychological death spirals,” while also trying to understand their own emotions. Another five per cent are considering quitting and joining travelling bands of gypsies, while some are considering following a popular indie band through their summer music festival tour. “Why did we even start doing these jobs in the first place?” Professor Samuel asked. “I mean, the only reason why I got my PhD and started working here was because my dad said that I needed to get a job when I was an arts student.” With more cuts coming the faculty’s way and the impending demolition of asbestosplagued arts buildings, the situation for arts professors is looking bleak.
PLEASE SEE arts is poor some pAGEs later
some douche
colours are pretty
Baker apologizes for plagiarism with totally original speech Farsi Hitmonchan fighting type @tw@
Dr. Phillip Baker, the University of Alberta’s former dean of medicine, delivered a rousing speech to medical school graduates last week, in which he apologized for his infamous speech last spring discovered to be largely plagiarized from another speech written by Atul Gawande. The dean stressed that this year’s speech, which he called “The Sermon On the Mount,” was written entirely by him. In his speech, Baker reminded the graduates not to lay all the blame on him for screwing up so
colossally last time. “Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” Baker stated in the opening line of his address. Baker explained that any remaining anger students and staff may have towards him over something as silly as plagiarism was pointless and detrimental to the faculty. “A house divided against itself cannot stand,” Baker solemnly noted. Baker then turned his attention to the graduates preparing to leave the U of A and
venture out into the world. “Graduating from school is nothing to fear. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” Baker said. The latter part of the dean’s speech was devoted to highlighting social and political injustices plaguing the world today. “I have a dream and I am prepared to die so that all men are created equal,” Baker shouted with a fist in the air. “I am the luckiest man on the face of this Earth. Ich bin ein Berliner,” Baker continued with fervour. “Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer The Slings and Arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles, that is the question. Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Graduate Doc Holiday said he was deeply inspired by Baker’s new, entirely original, never-before-heard speech. “I’m proud of the dean for doing the right thing. It couldn’t have been easy for him to write a completely new speech from scratch,” Holiday said. “It takes a big man to get up there in front of everyone and apologize.” Dr. Baker set aside some time at the end of his speech to take questions. When asked by The Getaway on why he hadn’t written an original speech the first time, Baker responded by saying, “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You can’t handle the truth!”