Creature
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Campus sports teams play sports
getaway December 14nd, 2011 AD Giant-Size No. 1!
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THE
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Campus musical actually happens,
Arts profs voters rethink democracy struggle to SU turns money into music on Page 12 find meaning in life with budget cuts Fat Orgy
slender gent @ilikeThemsweaty The union representing the University of Alberta’s arts professors announced earlier today that they are finding it increasingly difficult to rationalize their jobs with the constant budget cuts and have had to resort to begging for food and selling their crafts on Etsy to make ends meet. Sources close to the faculty said everyone is disheartened and trying to understand their own emotions through a gendered rubric. The faculty’s union representative, Professor Adams Samuel, a distinguished scholar in the field of historiographical entimology, said about 10 per cent of the faculty are stuck in “psychological death spirals,” while also trying to understand their own emotions. Another five per cent are considering quitting and joining travelling bands of gypsies, while some are considering following a popular indie band through their summer music festival tour. “Why did we even start doing these jobs in the first place?” Professor Samuel asked. “I mean, the only reason why I got my PhD and started working here was because my dad said that I needed to get a job when I was an arts student.” With more cuts coming the faculty’s way and the impending demolition of asbestosplagued arts buildings, the situation for arts professors is looking bleak.
PLEASE SEE arts is poor some pAGEs later
some douche
colours are pretty
Baker apologizes for plagiarism with totally original speech Farsi Hitmonchan fighting type @tw@
Dr. Phillip Baker, the University of Alberta’s former dean of medicine, delivered a rousing speech to medical school graduates last week, in which he apologized for his infamous speech last spring discovered to be largely plagiarized from another speech written by Atul Gawande. The dean stressed that this year’s speech, which he called “The Sermon On the Mount,” was written entirely by him. In his speech, Baker reminded the graduates not to lay all the blame on him for screwing up so
colossally last time. “Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” Baker stated in the opening line of his address. Baker explained that any remaining anger students and staff may have towards him over something as silly as plagiarism was pointless and detrimental to the faculty. “A house divided against itself cannot stand,” Baker solemnly noted. Baker then turned his attention to the graduates preparing to leave the U of A and
venture out into the world. “Graduating from school is nothing to fear. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself,” Baker said. The latter part of the dean’s speech was devoted to highlighting social and political injustices plaguing the world today. “I have a dream and I am prepared to die so that all men are created equal,” Baker shouted with a fist in the air. “I am the luckiest man on the face of this Earth. Ich bin ein Berliner,” Baker continued with fervour. “Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer The Slings and Arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles, that is the question. Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Graduate Doc Holiday said he was deeply inspired by Baker’s new, entirely original, never-before-heard speech. “I’m proud of the dean for doing the right thing. It couldn’t have been easy for him to write a completely new speech from scratch,” Holiday said. “It takes a big man to get up there in front of everyone and apologize.” Dr. Baker set aside some time at the end of his speech to take questions. When asked by The Getaway on why he hadn’t written an original speech the first time, Baker responded by saying, “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You can’t handle the truth!”
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Wyngzday, Fucktember 42, 80085 Volume = w*l*h, Issue amerrychristmas Published since the summer of ‘69 Never Forget ISSN 0845-356X The Roman Room Fantasyland Hotel Here’s my spare room key, baby I’ll be waiting there, covered in butter Render unto Caesar what is his Telephone was far too much like Just Dance Just the Fax, ma’am 780.FAX.FAXX Jenny 867.5309 Email seeking Femail
editorial staff chief! Alejandria Smelldridge stopcallingmechief@getaway.burrito-libre.ca menage a un editor Just...in make.alejandrias.life.miserable@ualberta.ca cool story bro Lex Migz theworst@getaway.twitter.ca intrepid g0-getter April O’Neil mmmmiloveturtles@getaway.ualberta.ca minecrafter Andrew Ryan johngaltismybro@getaway.ualberta.ca unentertaining editor Frau Schmidt ohaimark@getaway.ualberta.ca token nova scotian Howie Mandel LFL4Life@getaway.ualberta.ca soul thief Dan Glingballs i_love_canon@getaway.ualberta.ca longest title, lowest pay R’as al-Ghul natureboy_wooo@getaway.ualberta.ca
The Getaway has recently come under fire from University of Alberta for allegedly hacking into the office phones of faculty members and offering bribes in exchange for inside information. Faculty of Arts Dean Elsie Doormat came forward to U of A Provost Cameron Amiright last week with claims that reporters had hacked into her voicemail and tapped her phone in order to get inside tips on the faculty’s crumbling state. “We take these allegations very seriously,” Amiright said, adding that there would be a investigation launched by the U of A into The Getaway’s allegedly unethical methods of operation. “We aren’t talking about celebrities here. We’re talking about honest, hard-working, incredibly well-paid staff having their phones hacked into,” Amiright said. Amiright said that the U of A would also be conducting a follow-up investigation into staff who have been in contact with The Getaway, amid worries that they have been accepting bribes in order to divulge secret information about the university’s affairs. However, Editor-in-Chief Lexi Boat-Bridge denies these allegations, and claims she can prove that The Getaway is innocent. “I just have one thing to say to Doormat and Amiright,” Boat-Bridge said. “How can we hack office phones when the U of A is too poor to afford them?” Over the past couple years of budget cuts, the Faculty of Arts has been forced to get rid of its phones in order to save money — a fact that
photo illustration: dan ‘i did all the photos this week’ mcfml
has become common knowledge, according to Boat-Bridge. “If we wanted information so badly, we’d hack Doormat’s email,” Boat-Bridge scoffed. “That would be way more logical. At least staff members still have that. Or, wait, do they?” Following the university’s outrage about The Getaway’s unapologetic attitude, Boat-Bridge
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said she is considering filing a suit against the arts dean for defamation. “Anyone who’s been around The Getaway knows these claims are ludicrous,” Boat-Bridge said. “And bribes? Believe me, if The Getaway could afford to offer bribes, the Faculty of Arts would be the last one to complain. It needs all the extra money it can get.”
As you may have heard, people like to get it on in HUB stairwells. WE ASKED...
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Lizzie McGuire pure at heart “I’m not a big fan of getting naked. Even in the shower. Like, seriously, that’s kinda twisted.”
graphic imagery VikkiLeaks gangsigns@getaway.ualberta.ca circulation deke EDaum’s World onion platinum member J’onn J’onz ye@h@getaway.ualberta.xxx
The Getaway reserves the right to withhold information regarding our publishers. In unrelated news, you know who’s a handsome guy? Rupert Murdoch. Looking good, Rupe! The Getaway is proud to be a founding member of DKE International.
complaints U mad, bro? Did something in this free publication produced by enthusiastic amateurs somehow rub you the wrong way? Well, don’t bother actually reading the article beyond the first two lines that made you incensed.Just e-mail bomb everyone on the masthead to let your rage be known, because let’s face it, yours is the only opinion that matters.
copyright 99% of all materials appearing in The Getaway are mine. Got a problem with that? Occupy my ass. On second thought, don’t do that.
disclaimers Perceptive peeps will no doubt notice that The Getaway is a work of parody and is purely intended to be humourous. All articles within are fictional, though in some cases we wish they were true. Additionally, the opinions expressed in advertisements appearing in The Getaway are those of the advertisers and not The Gateway nor the Gateway Student Journalism Society unless explicitly stated. Also, some ads are fake — can you spot which ones?
The Getaway periodically adjusts its circulation between 7,000 to 10,000 daily just to confuse the printers. They need to know who’s boss.
colophon Hey! Hey! HEY!!! Listen! The Getaway is produced using computers. I know, that’s fucked up, right? Also, watch for the shadows of monsters that hang from the ceiling.
contributors Bros, Tweens, Douches, Trolls, Ogres, Miss Piggy, Emerson Csorba’s hair, Indira Foreva, S-Club 7, The Venga Boys, Macaulay Culkin, Burrito Libre, Twitter, Meth, Christmas Dubstep, Guidos, You’re A Fackin’ Wizard Harry
Sn00ki guido troll “WAAAAH. In the smush room. Or in da club. Or with pickles.”
Agatha Trunchbull dominatrix “In bakeries. Chocolatey, eh? ”
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sexxxy shed You too can purchase your own stunning edition of the Arts Shack (while supplies last).
PHOTo illustration: DAM MACDAiquiri
Arts faculty opens new shack Lani Willy hobo hater
The University of Alberta celebrated the opening of the first Faculty of Arts building in decades this past weekend with a ribbon cutting ceremony for the new Arts Shack, set up behind the crumbling remains of the Tory Building. Dozens of prominent figures attended the ceremony, including Prime Minister Stephane Larper, who made a short speech to the audience following U of A President Indiana Samamama’s opening comments, in which she flatly denied any funding shortfall in the arts faculty. During his short public address, Larper expressed through gritted teeth his eternal love for the arts and his hope that the new shack would pave the way for future buildings for the faculty.
“Arts is such an important part of the university experience that a new shack just seemed necessary,” Larper said to the crowd of arts students gaunt from a lack of nourishment. “We need to keep the arts alive, and I believe this lean-to will help do that.” The shack was inspired by the acclaimed ogre architecture in the film Shrek. Standing at a breath-taking six feet tall, the single-room shed is made of sheet metal, wood, toothpicks, and marshmallows. Built in just under a week, the shack features a corner dedicated for gothic poetry slams, a single new electrical outlet and is perfumed with Remedy Café’s distinct curry scent. The building of the shack stemmed from recent concerns raised by Students’ Union councilors Saddam Hoods and Never Kind
at a council meeting in September. At the meeting, Hoods and Kind brought up challenges faced by arts students, including limited study space and a lack of electrical outlets. Hoods compared the arts faculty’s situation at the time to that of the Faculty of Science, which welcomed the arrival of the new, gleaming, clearly expensive Centennial Centre for Interdisciplinary Science. Hoods said he was extremely happy with the new shack, and expects to frequent it often. “I’m just so glad our concerns were heard,” Hoods said. “This is really going to make a huge difference to the Faculty of Arts. I mean, just imagine how many students this shack is going to reach.” The arts students in attendance at the ceremony were too poor and famished to respond to The Getaway’s request for comment.
admin fuck-ups
U of A Provost pepper-sprayed and arrested at Occupy Quad protests Bot Mentick
government insider University of Alberta Provost and Vice-President (Overly Inflated Grades) Carl Armchair was peppersprayed and arrested after participating in a sit-down protest with 35 Occupy Quad demonstrators yesterday. Armchair’s involvement with the Occupy protesters started last Thursday afternoon during a Board of Governors meeting, when a proposal to physically remove the protestors was introduced. Shortly after President Indy 500 spoke in favour of the proposal, a visibly upset Armchair stood up and shouted, “What does democracy look like? This is what democracy looks like!” After several minutes of Armchair calling board members “sell-outs” and “complicit with the one per cent,” campus security was called to remove him from the building. “It was a very awkward few minutes,” 500 told The Getaway after the meeting. “Mr. Armchair has shown that he wishes to engage in class warfare and tear our university apart.” Later that day, Armchair — still in
his suit and tie — was seen pitching up a tent with Occupy Quad demonstrators, and holding up a sign that read: “U of A: Don’t Be a 1% Conspirator.” Despite making a six-figure annual salary, Armchair said he identifies with the Occupy Quad movement because of the inequalities plaguing the U of A, pointing to the arts faculty’s recent construction of a new shack.
“Mr. Armchair has shown that he wishes to engage in class warfare and tear our university apart.” indy 500
u of A prez forevz
“I’m not in the one per cent, but for a university executive, I do very well,” Armchair said, adding that unlike most rich people, he actually cares about poor debt-burdened students. “Being in the one per cent is a lifestyle, where you’re an arrogant businessman wearing a monocle and dressed like the Monopoly guy,” Armchair said. “The money’s in the
private sector, not in some jack-shit university that can’t even make the top 20 by 2020.” Armchair’s protest came to an end shortly after 2 p.m. on Tuesday, after he joined an Occupy Quad sit-down protest that surrounded campus security officials in charge of controlling the situation. Fearing for their safety, officers pepper-sprayed Armchair and the protestors, instead of simply stepping over them. “Using pepper spray on nonviolent protests is a rather normal policing procedure when you need to arrest people, despite what pinko commies may think,” officer Dean Stein told The Getaway, emphasizing that campus security wanted Quad to be safe for everyone and the peaceful protestors were threatening the serenity of Quad. 500 said she wanted Quad cleared because having people camping in the field was dangerous to her good standing in the community. “Although these campus radicals are free to protest, frankly, these people posed a danger to the U of A’s reputation,” Samamama said. “We cannot be seen as a university that harbours free-thinking, critical individuals.”
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Living wall lives up to its name in recent rampage on campus Lexxxi Piggy muppet-IN-CHIEF
The living wall of the Tory-Business atrium is wreaking leafy havoc across campus after coming to life Tuesday to seek its revenge on those who have been “trimming its hedges” since September. Brought into the atrium at the start of the fall term as a decorative way to disguise the out-of-control mould thriving on the walls of the Tory-Business atrium, the living wall has been relatively peaceful for the past several months. However, the plant suddenly turned on staff and students on Tuesday. The first attack came as the wall abruptly reached its viney arms out to grab two unsuspecting arts support staff members walking past. Since then, the living wall has ripped itself out of the atrium and traveled across the U of A, wrapping its leafy tentacles around buildings and humans alike. Trey Lumouchel, associate director of facilities and giant monsters, said that University of Alberta Protective Services (UAPS) is doing everything they can to get the wall under control. “We’ve put our best gardeners on the job,” he said. “Unfortunately, because the maintenance staff never got around to salting the sidewalks this term, the staff on the job have fallen and, ultimately, have been snatched by the weed — wait, don’t print that!” University officials won’t speculate on how the giant monster came to be, but anonymous sources are telling The Getaway it could have something to do with experimental drugs being produced in the chemistry building, or possibly over-caffeination from the new Second Cup that opened up across the atrium. “Either way, this shit is crazy,” said one of the sources.
news queefs compiled by Alejandria Burrito EDMONTON CLINIC WOWS WITH LEGO
The University of Alberta has completed construction of the latest new building on campus, which features the unique use of wacky materials. The Edmonton Clinic Health Academy (ECHA), located across the street from the U of A hospital, was created entirely out of blocks of lego. Head engineer Tom Brick explained that the choice of material revolved largely around economic effectiveness and aesthetic appeal. “I think the coloured brick patterning looks great from the outside. It’s very striking in its juvenility,” Brick said about the unusual look of the new building. Brick explained that the overall cost of the project was very low because there was no need to pay for materials. “We knew we could get enough lego donated that we wouldn’t have to pay a cent for the materials for the project,” Brick explained. “We drove around from building to building with trucks and just filled the boxes with lego from profs. These academics are all nerds — we knew lego would not be in short supply.” However, the lego donation program, which was mandatory, has
PHOTO illustration: darn mcchaney
Officials said if they can’t get the beast under control by the end of the week, they’ll be forced to feed it passing business students in order to keep it appeased; arts students proved to be too snooty, while engineering students were too nerdy. The beast took to science students not been well-received by some university professors. Jiminy Crickards, creator of a blog called Nither the U of A, told The Getaway that the program was “offensive” and “inappropriate.” “It’s another tax on the academic staff of this university. Just like non-voluntary furlough days, or like the proposed non-voluntary U-Pass for staff, time and again, academics at this university are being strong-armed into doing things against their will,” Crickards said. Crickards also felt the forced lego donation program would have a negative impact on research at the U of A. “My lego was important for my work, as playing with allowed me to de-stress. Taking it away does not result in a healthy working environment, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way,” Crickards said. “If the administration of this university really want this to become a top research institution, they’re going about it the wrong way.”
ELEMENTARY KIDS ‘WAY OF THE FUTURE’
The Students’ Union has finally completed the project they’ve been planning for three years — hosting their first ever elementary children ‘sscience fair. The initiative came out of the SU’s desire to encourage children to begin doing research from the earliest age possible, and has been
at first, but got tired of their knowit-all ways. Up to this point, the living wall has set Tory on fire, smashed the glass of CCIS and has set its sights on SUB after gathering a small army of similarly-oppressed vegetation in Quad. years in the making. The evening featured hundreds of student projects, according to SU Vice-Admiral (Baking Soda Volcanoes) Emerkin Sorbet. “Over 500 kids submitted posters for this event. This truly did solidify the idea of research in the minds of elementary students everywhere.” The initiative was a priority of Sorbet’s, who even went so far as to shut down the U of A career centre in order to secure funding for the event. “Our thought is that nobody’s going to need a career centre if we get them hooked on the idea of research when they’re only eight years old,” Sorbet explained. Sorbet described how the children stunned him with their ground-breaking projects, which featured everything from the baking soda volcano, mini greenhouses, to fruit battery power. The U of A provided almost $9,000 worth of five cent candies as prizes for the symposium. Sorbet expressed his excitement for how large the event was this year and hopes it continues to expand. “I’m incredibly excited, and honestly a little nervous, for how big this event is going to be in 2012,” he said. “We won’t even need to have an undergraduate research centre anymore if we just concentrate all our efforts on these precious kids.”
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Arts professors turning to NAIT for career help arts is poor Continued from page 1
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U of A dumps failed Moodle for tween haven Nexopia Lexmeister Migz tween correspondent
The University of Alberta has announced it will be replacing its class management system Moodle with a formerly popular social networking site next term in an effort to appeal to the burgeoning demographic of tweens. Widespread concerns over the technical efficiency and long-term feasibility of Moodle has forced the U of A to turn to Nexopia, which has attracted tens of thousands of mall rats since its inception in 2003. “Let’s face it — Moodle was a fail from the get-go,” confessed Jonny Kaezer, associate vice-president of information mismanagement. “Professors and students are still calling it Noodle. This simply cannot stand.” According to Kaezer, data records show that Moodle has crashed more than 5,000 times since launching in classrooms back in September. Spam bots have also been wreaking havoc on class discussion boards,
posing as students and posting failed Nexopia blogs from yesteryear as a way to annihilate grades. Student Caprysha Jankz said she was horrified to discover a spam bot had posted some private nudies on her class discussion board a few months ago. “Like, actually, it was so effin’ shocking,” Jankz cried. “Moodle destroyed my life, and it will destroy yours.” Jankz said she’s relieved with the switch to Nexopia as she will be more comfortable with the new site. “My nudies will just make so much more sense there, gawd,” she said. Tweenconomics professor Sugar Namaste said that U of A’s move to Nexopia made it clear that the U of A is desperate for greater profits. “The U of A needed something hip and something happenin’, and Nexopia was really the only way to go,” Namaste said. “Tweens are the demographic that the U of A needs to be targeting if they want to remain fiscally
prosperous down the road. The age for admission in university is becoming smaller and smaller. In ten years, these BBs will be ruling the post-secondary world.” The new Nexopia platform will be written entirely in 72 point Comic Sans font in order to appease the tender eyes of tween students and make texts as soothing as possible. In addition, students will be granted extensive customization of their profiles, where mirror photos with out-of-control duck faces will be strongly encouraged. Professors will be the only ones granted the privilege of Nexopia Plus, which will allow them to see who’s creeping their profile at anytime and send annoying messages of acknowledgment in retaliation. Dr. Nicolas Cage will be one of the first professors to experiment with the new system. The U of A professor indicated he was very excited for the new dimension of interaction that Nexopia will allow him to have with female students. “Trolololol,” he said.
While science and engineering professors are riding high on careers full of joy, meaning, and government funding, arts professors are increasingly facing depression in the dank halls of Tory basement, and a lack of will to even debate the meaning of George Washington’s latent desire for sponge cake and how it influenced American foreign policy during the post Cold War era.
“At some point, you just need to put your digital SLR down and get a real job.” ADAMS samuel
overly protentious u of a arts prof
“One day, an engineer professor came up to me while I was eating lunch, pulled out a wad of cash from his wallet, smelled it, and just started laughing. It was sick,” Samuel reflected. “That’s when I realized that I was travelling down a path towards unemployment.” Professors’ patience seems to have reached a breaking point, resulting in a new desire to apply themselves to a meaningful career. Page views on NAIT’s website have tripled in the last three weeks as professors scramble to find applicable careers. Officials at NAIT initially refused to speak to The Getaway, afraid to hurt relations between their little institution that could and the “big bad university.” However, following one too many cheap tequila
shots gifted by The Getaway, a NAIT official admitted they’d been approached by a number of U of A arts professors. “They have a weird interest in welding,” said the official. “They think it can bring meaning to their otherwise dull and pointless lives through constructing actual objects rather than endlessly debating the semiotics of Marcel Proust’s In Search of Lost Time. Maybe they want to finally work with their hands and get a little dirty.” The average welder also makes $75,000 per year — far more than the average arts professor’s expected salary in 2020 (even with inflation taken into account). Welders have also been shown to be twice as likely to get the cougars in the bar compared to their cardigan-clad counterparts, a key finding in this story. “I’ve had enough of sacrificing out the nose to pursue my passion in life,” Samuel said. “At some point, everybody has to realize that you can’t just go your whole life drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and hoping that one day they’ll be money to be made in freelance journalism. At some point, you just need to put your digital SLR down and get a real job.” Officials from the University of Alberta refused to comment about the situation in the arts faculty. They only noted its up to individual professors to determine whether their career choices are worth “the hundreds of thousands of dollars and millions of tears shed in search of finding meaning in life.”
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boooombs R c00l~~ 6
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Doomsday device discovered under rock garden Allegedly being used by U of A officials to boost international prestige; part of new initiative dubbed “Project Intimidate Indira’s Enemies” Jujo Hell
office tyrant The University of Alberta has buried a secret doomsday device under the new rock garden north of CCIS in an effort to boost the institution’s international prestige, The Getaway has learned. The university is using the rock garden to shield its newly acquired Skynet device from the federal government. Concerns are mounting that the Harper government will take away their new toy, according to sources briefed on the newest addition to campus. University sources wouldn’t go on the record to discuss the newly acquired doomsday device, but provided information on “deep background” only if Getaway staff dropped off “envelopes stuffed with money” in front of “University Hall.” Sources said the new device, linked to nuclear and biological weaponry in nations throughout the world, will be used to intimidate the university’s enemies. “This new device puts us well on the way to being one of the top university’s in the world,” said the source, who wanted to be identified by the initials IS. “And if those jerks at MacLean’s don’t start ranking us higher in their campus publications, we might need to melt some faces. Hasta la vista, Andrew Coyne.” Information obtained by The Getaway shows that the Skynet project is only one part of the university’s new strategy of forceful coercion, dubbed “Project
INSERT LAME CAPTION ABOUT BOMBS HERE This poorly built piece of shit could be the end-all for the University of Alberta. How sad is that? Forever LOL. forever urgin’ for a hirjin’ Intimidate Indira’s Enemies.” The physics department is in the process of mounting a massive laser on top of the Tory building, to be used on the legislature building if the government attempts to withhold funding for another year.
The psychology department is also partnering with the zoology department to train an army of sentient dolphins that respond only to Provost Carl Amrhein. With their newfound army of über porpoises and sentient computers, the administration is
setting their sights on bigger and better things for Alberta’s oldest post-secondary institution. A spokesperson for the university, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the U of A is finally prepared to break into the top 20 by 2020.
“It’s taken us years, and five doomsday devices, before we can finally push lesser universities down the rankings and take one of the coveted top 20 spots. By our own metrics, we are sitting somewhere around 23 at the moment, but we’re moving up quickly.”
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Volume 3.14, Issue 2.71828183
Openises
Openises Editor Byan Rrrrrrromsgrove Call me I’m so lonely 780.492.Nobody ever calls me :( Efail howdoescomputorwork@getaway.ualberta.ca.jk.lolz Work for me for free! Internet porn trading meetings Wednesdays at 4 a.m. Bright and early!
This is basically the word of God
We’ll never enjoy financial security unless Arts is cut The Faculty of Arts has become a festering leech on the University of Alberta. While they’ve been sucking the funds away from the more important faculties, bitter resentment has been building. It’s time to cut them off. For years, the University of Alberta has been pumping out thousands of Arts graduates — doe-eyed and innocent — only so the Science students could slaughter them when competing for the same jobs. Need an actress for a play? A genetics graduate could do that better. Need a campaign manager for an election? Make sure you get a zoology grad for that one. Someone’s got to take care of the tigers. Clearly, Arts provides a useless education — all they teach is research, critical thinking and analytical skills. So why bother with the faculty in the first place? Let’s just get rid of it once and for all and stop the shortsighted half-measures that are only delaying the inevitable. With budget cuts, the faculty has been forced to lay off some of its academic staff, but the university hasn’t taken it far enough. Arts is still offering courses, paying professors to sit in their offices and read all day, and pumping out more of their useless graduates. What’s more, they had the audacity to build a new shack, spending hard-earned money earmarked for diamond research or new space lasers. The other faculties, particularly Science with their recent opening of CCIS, have all been very moderate in their spending on building new facilities. Everyone else makes do with what they have and only ask for new buildings when they really need them. But Arts? No, they just couldn’t get by with the mice- and asbestos- infested offices of Tory. I’m sorry, but when I’m trapped in Tory basement, there’s nothing like a quick fire-resistent snack. Nothing is ever enough for them. So it’s time for the University of Alberta administration to deliver the deathblow. Get rid of Arts once and for all. Don’t lay off one prof at a time and prolong the process. What easier way is there to solve a budget crisis than to get rid of all the expenditures? Cut all the faculty members and all the courses. Keep the name if you want, but nothing else. Not only would this solve the funding crisis that Arts themselves is facing, but it could go a long way to helping the U of A recover from their own deficit. Demolish Rutherford and put in more labs and secret astronaut training facilities. Then tear down Tory and replace it with a rocket launch pad, because the future for the university is space, not Arts, and space is in space. So President Indira Samarasekera, I have a message for you. Send in University of Alberta Protective Services and clear those squatting Arts profs out of offices. Destroy Arts. We need more room and money for the important faculties, or at least some sort of nuclear waste dump.
Al, X and Ria Helldrige
Supreme Commander of the Mediatron
Safe Space
Wait a minute, what is this I don’t even? What’s going on here? Where is my Gateway? I’m scared of change! Make it come back! Whoa there, buddy. Slow down. If you’ve gotten this far without throwing the paper away in disgust — or left it on a bus as hobo kindling — you may be wondering what happened here. All of a sudden, your favourite campus publication is strange, offensive and vaguely arousing. Well don’t worry, this is perfectly normal — except for arousal: get that checked out. But ever since time began, the staff here made a decision to make the last issue of the semester be the complete opposite of what we usually do — although yeah, when it comes to all the dick jokes, we just turn it up to 11. The one exception is this tiny, sacred space on the editorial page where I soothe your worries and give you a big, reassuring hug. Take deep breaths and relax. Until you get to the end of this article, you’re safe. I promise. And when you arrive back on campus in January, freshly rested, full of eggnog and certain that this time, you’ll attend that 8 a.m. class you signed up for, The Gateway you know and love — or hate but read anyway — will be back on the stands.
Rye and Mom’s Groove I never did learn how to Smile
LLama Llolsten
bitching and complaining 9000 Chronic masturbator fnally speaks out about library habit Dear Assholes, Your description of me in the Nov. 16 edition of Campus Crime Beat makes me look like a pervert. Sure, I may be a 40-year-old man who rubbed one out in the library once or twice, but when you live in your mother’s basement it’s hard to find a quiet, solitary space to jerk off. Before you condemn me as a pervert, you should know that I suffer from a medical condition that causes excessive horniness. It’s called, uh, Horninus Extremus Maximus. As a result, sometimes I’ll get the urge to rub one out wherever I am at the moment. The library isn’t even the worst place I’ve fired off knuckle children: one time I was horny on the train and I — well I won’t bore you with all the details, but you get the picture. It’s not even like I was being that loud. I tried to keep my moaning to a minimum. And you can’t tell me that the gentle fap fap fap sounds coming from underneath the study carol were distracting. I find that pleasant to listen to, like white noise. Enough is enough. My chronic masturbating brethren and I are tired of our unfair treatment by the media. That’s why I would like to arrange a circle-jerking protest at The Getaway office so that the world can see that were more than just a bunch of dick beaters. We’re people too, and we just want to be loved. Maybe The Getaway should understand that we are human
beings with biological urges. And maybe join in.
Richard Rubber
Don’t actually know why i’m still on campus
from the Interwhiz Aw cheeseballs we done been bad again (Re: “Vice-President’s secret sex dungeon revealed” by VP SL Molten Panoquichie, Nov. 3) Uh actually I think if you morons ever checked your facts you’d find that far from having dated five women and two men, Vice Presidon’t Randy Weiner actually dated four men, two women, and one person who refuses to identify as any gender on both ethical and epistemological grounds. Just one more dumb mistake I’ve come expect from this shitrag student newspaper that I’m so much better than and herp de derp dorp hurpy durp.
“Hells to the no you ain’t getting my real name” I actually have nothing better to do
Student enters civil union with own butt (Re: “Council Outrage — Hate all up in this bitch” by Nobody Interesting, Nov. 43) In an article last week, the writer makes several glaring factual errors. Now I was there, and as a councillor too afraid to give a real name nor any other reason for you to believe that I
was indeed actually there or indeed, a councillor, I shall appeal to my unsupported claim of being there to explain to everyone else who wasn’t there why this guy is lying. My unsupported claim of being a councillor shall add authority to my argument, because only the specialest of the special snowflake students get to be councillors. I’m going to spread this misinformation across all of the internets to ensure that future generations have no idea what really went on that day. Not confident that one comment is enough to fully distort the facts, I shall now post essentially the same thing under a different name and email address to give the illusion of truth to an otherwise sole dissenter. LOL idk what IP is.
“Avery Bignob” 192.168.0.1
Commenter makes good case for buying product You should buy some uggs boots.
Our font don’t has Russian letters
Via Spam
Letters to the editor should be sent to loser@getaway.ualberta.ca. We love attachments of mysterious files! How does interpoop work? The Getaway reserves the right to edit letters for length and clarity and being not dumb, and to refuse publication of any letter that it actually hurts us to read. They had to amputate my brain once already from the pain. Don’t make them do it again — oh God it hurt so much.
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Deschanel was cooler before everyone knew about her
SU Death Squad will never stop the truth getting out None of the Above
Election Fugitive I haven’t slept in days — such is the life of a man on the run. The SU’s hitmen are relentless, always a couple of steps behind, waiting for me to slip up. It’s not even safe to wait in line for coffee lest the informants at Aramark catch me unaware. Things didn’t have to be this way. I call myself a freedom fighter, but the SU calls me a traitor. That’s why there’s a bounty on my head. Before I die, I just want you to know the truth. My name? NOTA. I’ve ran for every position the Students’ Union has put up, simultaneously, and I’ve never once won. I even cried one time. Time and time again they denied me, and you, rightful representation.
Students would never accept a robot autocracy. How would they separate him into committees? Subcommittees? All I ever wanted was competent student government that reflects the views of all voters. I played by the rules and tried for so long to win just one election. And when it finally looked like I might have a fighting chance, just when they were on the brink of changing to a fair voting system, it was snatched away from me again. Yep, the whole damn system was against me. I had to take matters into my own hands. In my solitude, I built a powerful robot capable of replacing the entire Students’ Union council — I named him RON. He was going to save this university. RON was a capable ruler, fair in judgment and an expert in all SU bylaws. But council wasn’t ready for the change. They could not
Staying hidden There’s danger around every corner for NOTA. comprehend RON’s power. It was “too difficult,” they said. Students would never accept a robot autocracy. How would they separate him into committees? Subcommittees? What if somebody wanted to amend an amendment? How would RON know to laugh at the clearly hilarious act of meta? And how can a robot beat the shit out of the tables when something happened that he approved of ? He’d break them apart, they said. You know the rest. Or rather, you know what they would have you believe. RON got out of control, they said. Faced with council’s lack of logic, he didn’t know what else to do, so he stopped council from happening at all. He lasered Micky Razz right in the face — without a speaker, who would keep track of Robert’s Rules violations? Want to know what actually happened? A coup by the combined
#LOL
Fustin Fell
forces of the esteemed executive. It may have looked like RON’s laser blew up the speaker, but I only gave him a standard ruby laser pointer to assist with powerpoint presentations — god knows council loves those half hours of bullshit. I broke into 2-900 though, and I found a receipt for a “1,600 Hellawatt Death Supremo Laserino” in a drawer. Pretty damning, if you ask me. They’re here now. Carried on the cool December breeze, I hear the word “fiduciary” — their war cry. Well, it’s been a pleasure trying to serve you, but this is it. Reckon I got time for one last cigarette as I greet my gruesome fate and get entered into the great big ballot-box in the sky. If what they say is true, after the SU goons finally tear me to shreds for the last time, I’ll be counted for all eternity. Just wish I still had faith.
three lines not enough give me some more
Got something that you need to get off your mind? I don’t actually care, but either email us at threelinesfree@getaway.ualberta.ca, twoot @threelinesnogoaway, or message us at www.thegetawayonline.ca/noreallyidontcare Lonely poli sci student looking to have a threesome with the comp Sci lovers I hear that Darcy Ropchan is accepting applications for the position of new girlfriend. Apply now! I tried to write my woman a haiku But I couldn’t get the syllable count right What’s up with that? Does anyone know the best places to watch people have sex on campus? Arts degrees are useless, you can learn that shit online. I can’t tell whether that smell’s coming from me, or if its just HUB mall again. I’ve been watching you study for over an hour now. I tried to send a letter bomb to the Getaway. Nobody told me those don’t work via email. Anyone want to buy an only slightly burned computer? [incomprehensible inside joke] LOL ROFL IM IN NEWSPAPAR This is a shoutout to the Getaway editors. You are all sexy people.
Hey seriously I’m just such a shy senstive guy who can’t build up the courage to talk to girls for real can you just sort of read threelinesfree, realize that I’m posting a description of you, and then approach me in person? But not too fast, I get scared real easy. I had anal sex in the mouth. Never forget; never again. Oh yeah? Well I had mouthsex in the butt. What do you have to say about that, homes? Jesus man, that’s pretty far out. Wait a minute. Carol? Stephen? Oh my God, I thought I’d never see you again! This won’t last long. The temporal dimensional schism won’t hold. Is there no way to keep the door open? Can’t I get through? No! It doesn’t work like that! This is the only way, Stephen. Well I guess this is my last chance to tell you... Carol, I love you. ... Stephen, I —
lolbutts I wonder if I send in personal information will they print it? GOD DAMN GETAWAY THIS IS THE THIRD TIME I’VE SENT IN THIS MESSAGE WHY WON’T YOU PRINT IT? lol internet memes Nerdy shy ginger nervous neurotic shaky slightly-paranoid robot looking for Barbara Bush clone. Please contact 10101000 1110001 10100011 But you guys, why don’t you buy some uggs boots? Or wheelchair ramps? Duuuh is this the classifieds section? How do I computer? hey you guys what if rainbows were real? This is the section where we print your random thoughts like a twitter but IN REAL LIFE. Holy shit! But remember, keep it clean, children might be reading. Stay in school and don’t do drugs. And to the CMPUT 114 couple? High fives, dudes. High fives.
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Volume 8.854, Issue -12
Exploring the vast spectrum of spooning My GF ain’t real though
Spooning horses is hard Ripin’ Orange Grove
Farcy Fapchan CounterPoint
PounterCoint
I have no opinion on whether it’s better to be the little spoon or the big spoon. I would just like to spoon, period. My imaginary girlfriend, or as I call her, my iGirlfriend, never spoons with me after coitus. It could be that she’s mad at me about something, or it could be that she keeps a busy schedule. She is an actor, supermodel, and a racecar driver after all. But even though she’s a dedicated career woman, that doesn’t mean I don’t like to be held once in a while. I’ve tried talking to her about it. After all, I heard the key to any good imaginary relationship is communication. But every time I try to mention the lack of spooning after sex, she just gets mad and starts yelling at me. When she’s been drinking, she usually throws stuff and one time she punched me in the face. Dammit, will I never know true love?
I was in a relationship with a horse and an alpaca once, and let me tell you that you absolutely want to be the big spoon in that situation. I couldn’t care less who’s in the middle and who’s the little spoon, but I’m sure as hell not going to trust either of those animals with my fragile body trapped between their strong hooves. Well, alpacas don’t have hooves, of course. That’s part of their charm. Anyway, it’s purely a practical decision. Much as I might like the idea of being held in that soft, squishy fur, I don’t want to turn the post-sex cuddling into post-sex bruising. People would get entirely the wrong idea of the relationship. If you think “I fell down the stairs and into an absurdly long succession of doorknobs” isn’t that believable, try “so I was being spooned by my horse and one of his hooves smacked me in the face entirely by accident and then the alpaca fought back thinking that was what I wanted. And that’s why I have a black eye and a dead horse in pieces in all these garbage bags, officer.” Yeah. Reliable old Fluffy Sue got 25 to life for fifth degree equinicide. Hell of a reason to end up in the slammer if you ask me. And now I’m all alone. Not sure where to turn to, having exhausted the rest of the complicated, totallynot-heteronormative spectrum of spooning. I guess it’s just me and my imagination from here on out. Although, I suppose I technically could just make an imaginary partner and — wait a minute, this is seeming a little too familiar...
Cats must spoon me
Just One Smell Point
I have cats. Boy howdy, do I have cats. It’s impossible to count the number of the four-legged felines wandering in, around and under my home. Despite their numbers, my cats are a bit stingy when it comes to affection.
Invisible breasts I swear, sometimes it almost feels like she’s real. Then I realize she isn’t, and the crying starts. No matter how much cat food I cover myself in or how much catnip I ingest, they simply won’t cuddle. For once in my life I want to feel like these damn pests actually love me, and I want to be cuddled by three cats at once. Oh, how my life would change if I could simply get three cats to cuddle with me at the same time. Surrounding myself with their soft fur while I’m put to sleep by their constant purring. I imagine it much like a vibrating bed wrapped in a moose carcass. But why three cats, you ask? Why not four? Or 17, for that matter? The answer lies in a complex series of calculations passed down from the dark ages by a group of monks living in the Scottish Highlands. Also, I only have four cats and one of them stinks. So three makes the most sense. If only I could get the three nonsmelly cats to love me, my life would be complete.
Hold me tight, Karl Marx Urgin’ for a Hirjin’ MarxistPoint
There’s no denying it. Beards, bellies and brains combine to create the best big spoon ever. I’m no Communist, but even the thought of having Karl Marx’s grizzly body wrapped around mine is enough to give me a little chub. His furry beard would graze ever so whimsically across the nape of my neck as he whispers sweet nothings into my ear while I fall gently to sleep. “Capital is dead labour, which,
Cyan Glompsbrove
vampire-like, lives only by sucking living labour, and lives the more, the more labour it sucks,” Marx would say with his soft, husky voice. His legs would fold so perfectly around mine and his robust belly would act like a soft pillow for my body to sink into. It would be as if the angels of communism were lifting us up into the sky for a bird’s eye view of all the communist societies working harmoniously towards their utopia. Wow. Just the thought of seeing all those people throwing away the chains of oppression cheers me up. Perhaps that’s idealistic. But, spooning with Karl would certainly be better than having that Adam Smith character caress my body. His skinny, Scottish frame is enough to make me reconsider my viewpoints on the political spectrum. He probably has bad breath too.
SU needs two-year campaigns No way to stop ginger retribution now, fools Jusdong Ball Dude extremo
Students’ Council voted yesterday to extend the campaigning period by two days, extending the time they yammer at hapless students by two extra days. This annoyed some councillors too lazy to win. But have they gone far enough? The obvious answer is no. In fact, what the Students’ Union needs is even longer campaign periods. We should have candidates out stumping on campus for six months minimum. In a perfect world, our future SU execs would be out meeting students and debating each other for as much as two years ahead of the big day. Some say this would create confusion as one year’s candidates blend into the next, but I say those people are dumb as hell. Current President Rory Tighe was elected on the old two-week model, and how much do we really know about him? He’s done a good job so far this year, but for all we know, he could have turned out to be a serial masturbator trying to steal all of your hard-earned tuition money to buy a lavish house for hosting guests — and of course sordid masturbation parties.
It’s only through some sort of election-day miracle that we ended up with a president who doesn’t have one hand in the cash register and the other down his pants.
This is the only way we can be sure our SU executive team isn’t composed of a bunch of serial masturbators. This is why we need to get to know these candidates properly before turning them loose on campus. They need to be properly vetted and approved, ready to take on the stressful job of ordering around other people and sending back dinners that are too spicy for their delicate palettes. And the only way we can get at this is through a longer campaign period. We need to follow the American example of exhaustive debates and interviews, digging up every little piece of information we can find. Bad debts? Got it. Sexually assaulted people while running a national restaurant chain? We all know now. Divorced your wife while she was dying of cancer? Nice job, dipshit. Kiss goodbye to the presidency. Try again in next year. Potential candidates will need to declare their intention to run at the same time as they declare their major, sometime in their second year. Those who miss the cutoff will be
disqualified, or at the very least lose their eligibility for the $50,000 campaign contributions from the Students’ Union to run their two-year campaign. Candidates will also be forced through a gruelling series of debates, showing off their prowess against living, breathing opponents. And if that’s not good enough, I say they be forced to do so while balancing atop a unicycle and juggling three flaming sabres. We need to ensure these people can react under pressure. Critics have said the American process has devolved into a continual campaign process, where the losers line up for the next contest before the last one’s over. To that, I say: so what? I want options, and I want to know the candidate’s thoughts on absolutely every topic. I’m still not certain how Emerson “How Do You Even Pronounce That” Cszsdxorba feels about import duties on Spanish dairy products, or what he would do about proposed price increases at Starbucks. These are the issues of our time. With a two-week campaign period, it’s impossible to get the candidate’s opinions on the big issues, those that really matter out here in the real world. And only through excruciating, painful campaigning can we weed out the serial masturbators. Until then, don’t shake any hands. You don’t know where they’ve been.
Crusty Vogeleginger
Redhead Prodigy
You may remember that there was a big fuss about the rejection of ginger sperm in European sperm banks some time ago. I know, really funny. Ginger sperm — hilarious. But you fools clearly missed my master plan. As leader of the Ginger Hordes, I feel it is time the rest of you inferior blondes and brunettes know the truth. It all started when a fellow comrade and I, upon meeting at a bar, began debating about who was the better ginger. After a heated discussion about freckling patterns and the spectrum of redness, we realized the futility of us working against each other. Infighting is just what you wanted us to do. We’re an endangered species, with science predicting black and brown hair will rule in the future. And so began the rebellion. I’m sure you all think that the rejection of our seed was laughable, but in fact it was cleverly manufactured by us as a way of keeping the bloodlines pure, to keep redheads alive and grow in number. The ironic thing is
ginger sperm alone won’t always result in ginger babies, so by isolating ourselves, we can concentrate our numbers far greater than could the sperm banks. Soon we will expand our operations from Ireland and seize the rest of the world. With our vast forces guaranteed by copious amounts of breeding, I will be in possession of a red army to end all red armies.
The coolest thing about being ginger is that when you need to hide in a field full of red foxes, you’re damn near invisible. Seriously, you guys should give it a try. None will penetrate our creeping ginger curtain. Like Skynet, gingers will be unstoppable, and slowly become the dominant hair colour on Earth. What then, blondes, brunettes? Oh, you can hide in your shacks if you want. You might even survive long enough to see the great Ginger Empire start colonizing the stars. But you’ll never experience that feeling of being normal again. Enjoy your souls, while you still have them.
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Schmupplied
Actually, turns out I love kids Dicky Rapchon
Babysits my children
Children are precious miracles from God. I can’t wait to have kids of my own. Their smiles light up a room and they make everyone’s day brighter. Their inquisitive little minds come up with the most thought provoking questions, and they can really teach you a lot about yourself. After I graduate, I’m going to apply to be a nanny. Since I’m unable to reproduce asexually, this is the next best option. Cooking and cleaning for children and watching over them is a rewarding experience that builds character. Sure, those little bundles of sunshiney goodness aren’t always well behaved and sometimes they yell, but that’s what makes them so magical. Putting up with children when they’re at their worst helps you appreciate them when they’re at their best. Whenever I get some free time, you can always find me volunteering at the local daycare. I love being able to spend my free time helping
these children to learn and play at the same time. Whether it’s playing hide and seek, playing tag, or reading a story book to them, spending countless hours with these youngsters is the highlight of my day. The time just flies by.
When a child smiles, I get this really satisfying, warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It doesn’t matter that they’re growing up in a world we destroyed. For now, let them dream. The sound of a child’s laughter is one of the most enjoyable sounds known to man. Whenever the stress of university life gets to be too much, I just remind myself that somewhere out there in the world, a baby is laughing and everything is okay. That thought gets me through the tough times. It’s amazing that babies are completely oblivious to the events around them. They just want to learn and explore their world. Watching them try to speak or learn to walk fills my heart with bliss. It’s hard to be mad when you see so
much cuteness in the world. I believe that children are our future. That’s why instead of going on vacation, I spent my summer teaching grade school children how to read. Teaching a child to read is one of the best things you can do with your life. Some people might get frustrated when it seems like a child isn’t getting the hang of it, but it’s important to have patience and work with them through their struggles. Take the time to teach your child how to read and I promise they’ll thank you for it someday. Have you ever taken the time to spend an afternoon with your child playing in the park? I have. When I’m not volunteering at the daycare or teaching kids to read, I’m a babysitter. Playing with children and seeing the limitlessness of their imaginations gives me a feeling of euphoria. You can’t help but smile when you see them pretending to be a policeman or an astronaut. Who knows what great heights they can aspire to with such brilliant imaginations? Raising a child isn’t easy — it’s a full time job. But if you invest enough time, effort and care into your child, I promise they’ll grow up to achieve great things.
Radio station’s porn billboard was tits Dicky Rapchon didn’t he write the one up there too?
In an unprecedented move, the ASC council has deemed that K97’s video billboard promoting the Terry Bill and Steve morning show, which features rampant hardcore porn, to be “totally offensive and absolutely disgusting. I am frankly ashamed to be part of the human species after seeing this.” Here’s the moral brigade out in fullforce yet again. Can’t do anything interesting in this town without someone complaining the breasts are too big or the full-frontal nudity is too frontal. They showed some pretty enormous dicks too, so it’s not like it’s misogynist or anything. The relatively inoffensive billboard features girl on girl, anal, bondage and many other underground fetish
videos to promote the radio show, accompanied by the caption, “Hey dumbass! Look at the boobs and listen to our show.” Really? You’re going to get offended by that? You don’t want to see what I’ve got in my basement. K97 tried to cash in on the controversy after being forced to take the ad down. A new billboard was erected in response that simply said, “What are you a pussy or something?” Even I’ll admit that’s over the line. Too far, too soon. But besides that, all I can really say is, “Deal with it.” Sure, some people may not get hot by watching inter-racial midget porn, but K97 needs to appeal to its wide demographic of listeners. If you don’t like watching depraved, possibly illegal sexual acts while you’re driving down the highway, then don’t look at it. It’s not like it’s dope-ass speakers are that loud — I could only barely hear them from my apartment 10 blocks away from one. Just turn up your bass and keep driving.
Compared to many other billboards, the ad was not over the line. Have you seen the ads for The Bear? How is it legal to show Yukon Jack’s giant yap on the back of a bus? If you ask me, that ad is way more disgusting than the K97 ad. I don’t want to see his spittle. Ew, it’s gross. Forcing K97 to take this ad down is an attack on personal freedom. Maybe some people like staring at the billboard while standing on the street corner with their hand down their pants. I know I sure do, and I won’t let no government take that right away from me. Indecent exposure? More like indecent perversion of the constitution. You can’t lock me up for having a little me-time with a video billboard. Not without being a fascist. But then I guess we’ve already made that decision as a society when ASC had them take the billboard down in the first place. First they came for the street-corner-masturbators, and I said nothing — you know how it goes.
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Volume 6.673, Issue -11
Israel is the greatest: A love letter to my future home Lyin’ Wrongsgrove
Absolute dickbag
Boy howdy, do I love Israel. You know, besides that sticky mess with those refugees or whatever they are. But let us not get bogged down in depressing talk about who’s occupying who, and which people get to have a state. Instead, let’s take a moment to celebrate what makes Israel the greatest country on the planet. You see, I think it’s actually logically impossible that Israel be anything less than absolutely awesome — the very idea is incompatible with reason. The United States is never wrong, and they’ve always given it 100 per cent support in the scary international community. But who needs other countries when you’ve got Israel’s charisma? Not me, no sir. I’m going to get myself a hobostick, hop on a train, move over there and open up a cradle store in Tel Aviv. As soon as I shlep my way through this useless degree, anyway. I know, I know, it may seem like a radical, reckless change, but I’ve already visited two of the cities “inperson.” And by “in-person” I mean I leapt across the rooftops of crusadesera Jerusalem and Acre in Assassin’s
Creed while shanking schmucks with my sweet-ass hidden blade — but they’re totally historically-accurate recreations. Right down to the annoying beggars — what’s that, all you want is a few coins? Stop your whining or you’ll get a punch to the face.
“Our borders are open to most people of the world!” Jacob Lovestein
Israeli Immigration encourager
Anyway, I’m pretty sure the country’s more or less the same nine bajillion years later, only with a little less senseless killing and a buttload more fun. Highest number of museums per capita in the world for example, and I love old shit. Then there’s Tel Megiddo, the place that Armageddon is supposed to happen — that’s just badass. I want to be there when that happens. You just know that there’s going to be a tourism rush, and I want to get a really sweet deckchair spot when the world ends. Then when I was a kid, I remember seeing this commercial about some waterpark in Israel. My life is never going to be complete while I have yet to follow through on experiencing that. All those happy children... I wanted to be one of them. Why didn’t you ever take me on vacation
Israel or bust Hey, dude, slow down, I have to get to the airport! Give me a ride and I’ll throw in for gas? to Israel, mother? Why? Hold on, everyone. Give me a moment to compose myself. Okay. And then speaking of things which consist of water, I have to check out the Dead Sea, which I hear cures any illness. Every last one of them — move over, Lourdes, you don’t got nothing on salinity of this magnitude. Oh man. So awesome. One time I dumped a whole shipload of RATT’s
salt into the pool just to get a taste of what it’s like. Campus Protective whatever showed up and tried to stop me. Said people were upset when faced with unsalted fries. Wasn’t a problem, though. I had them give it a try and escaped in the confusion, no regrets. Salted pork, anyone? Hah, not me, pigs are forbidden! Though, that does mean no bacon — and bacon’s
Pan CMocknee
pretty awesome. I hadn’t thought of that before. Maybe Israel’s not so amazing after all... Hah! Got you. Bacon sucks. Here, try my matzah balls instead. And after that maybe we can go see all those magnificent nuclear weapons existing with blatant disdain for the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. Oh, wait, shh, wasn’t supposed to mention those. Pretty cool, though, huh?
arts & crotches 12
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Arts n’ Crotches
FROM THE FUTURE, December 2011
Arts & Crotches Editor M-Skillz Smythe Digits 1-800-LICK-IT Internet Vortex firecrotch@gateway.ualberta.ca Join Our Zombie Horde You too can write pretentious arts shit in our paper.
social intweencourse COMPILED BY ~*maddii_s*~ and **peggii_jankz;;
Jesska’s Slumber Party (No Boys Allowed!!!) Saturday, Dec. 17 at 7 p.m. – Sunday, Dec. 18 at 11 a.m. Jesska’s Basement Bring one bottle of nail polish to participate in the exchange Just so you know, Kelsey M. called Jazmin last week, and apparently her and Kaylee are fighting, so neither of them are coming. Also both Jaylyn and Joyelle like Carson but they don’t know that they both do, so if we play truth or dare we can’t let them talk about it, okay? Anyway, Jesska’s parents bought a brand new tub of Dino Sours and Kelsey P. got the new Usher CD for her birthday, so we can totally get super sugar-high and sing along to that. And Tiffany’s bringing her new makeup palette so we can do makeovers!
Westbrookeburnridge Junior High School Christmas Dance Friday, Dec. 16, 12:45 p.m. – until the bad kids get caught smoking weed and the teachers shut down the party Small Gym Pay your $2 to Adam C. by Friday morning Student council hired the same DJ as last time, which means that there are totally going to be glowsticks everywhere. I’ve been taking hiphop dance classes, so I’m totally ready for the dance circle — that one guy in 8C who knows how to do the worm is going down. Plus, I heard Cody asked Madison to borrow a pencil in math class the other day, which OBVIOUSLY means he’ll probably ask her to slow dance. As for the rest of us, this is our chance to get our hands on some of those grade 9 QTs — they’re soooo much more mature than the guys in our class.
Food Fight Wednesday, Dec. 14 at 11:49 a.m. School Cafeteria Whatever lunch your mom packs you that day So OMG, that psycho beeyotch Caytie has totally been spreading all these rumours that I’m bulimic, and it’s payback time. She’s totally getting a plate full of meatballs right in her face. And since that food is like, not even edible anyway, we might as well just keep throwing it. If you’re still hungry afterwards, I promise I’ll share some of my Lunchables with you.
Neopets Meet-up Sunday, Dec. 18 at 8:45 p.m. MSN Group Chat So, like, we couldn’t do an IRL meet-up, which sucks, because Jaime totally told her parents about this and I guess they didn’t want her meeting people they didn’t know at the mall. Seriously, it’s not like we’re total strangers — we’ve totally all been in our xXx~*~Avatar Collectorz~*~xXx guild for like at least a year now, and you don’t get to 500 million neopoints without making a few friends. Anyway, since we’re doing it online, I guess we’ll just work on the Faerie Crossword together and continue our ongoing debate about what the cutest pet is. I can’t believe Krista said that it’s JubJub, like wow what a noob. She doesn’t even have all the pieces of the Lab Ray map, anyhow, so what does she know? Anyway, whatever. Let’s not waste our time with her when there’s a giant omelette to visit.
JBuzz
Campus musical makes dreams come true for all at the university DANCING HACKS REVIEW
A Campus Full of Heart WHEN Runs until a cranky professor complains about the noise WHERE Roof of the Tory building (where do you sit? Figure it out.) WRITTEN BY Colten Yamagishi DIRECTED BY Colten Yamagishi STARRING Colten Yamagishi, Emerson Csorba,
Frank Robinson, Shawna Plin, Gregory Taylor, Robert DeNiro, and maybe Indira and Carl
HOW MUCH
$10 and your soul
Bustin’ Balls
Managing the shit outta the office In one of the greatest triumphs the University of Alberta has ever seen, Colten Yamagishi’s long-awaited campus musical made its premiere last week. While the university community was skeptical about the idea from its conception, Yamagishi defied all expectations to deliver A Campus Full of Heart. The show follows the heart-warming story of Seamus, a young engineering student trying to find her way in the world. Wracked by indecision, the musical opens as Seamus stands atop the High Level bridge, contemplating taking her own life. But three university ghosts whisk her away on a journey to gain some perspective, and she realizes her future life as an engineer will in fact be pretty cushy. The Christmas Carol-inspired musical, written and directed by Yamagishi, features the
ghosts of University of Alberta past, present and future. They show Seamus how wonderful and rewarding life as a future engineer will be. “It’s really about how engineers are better than pretty much everyone else,” says Shawna Plin, who plays Seamus. “It made me realize that being a theatre arts student was a oneway ticket to a pointless career spent working at Chapters. I really should have been in engineering.”
“The campus musical is gonna give me fame — I wanna live forever.” Colten Yamagishi Musical Overlord
For his part, Yamagishi was borderline smug when it came to the critical applause for the new musical. “I’m glad everyone at the university has had a chance to bask in my glory,” says Yamagishi. “I’ve been planning this thing for literally days, and it’s turned out so well.” A Campus Full of Heart garnered four stars out of five from the Edmonton Journal, while Vue Weekly praised it as “better than sitting at home and hammering nails into my dick.” The Edmonton Sun didn’t get it. Vice-President (Academic) Emerson Csorba co-stars in the musical, singing a lovely duet with Yamagishi. Csorba plays the ghost of university future, where he shows Seamus the three luxury Mercedes vehicles she will eventually own after taking the lead on a project to build another phase onto West Edmonton Mall comprised entirely of Starbucks. The ghost of university past is played by
perennial university favourite Dean of Science, Gregory Taylor. And in an unusual twist, Robert DeNiro portrays the ghost of university present — President Rory Tighe refused to comment on how the SU raised the money to hire the Hollywood actor for the role. For some reason, the musical takes a brief intermission from the advancement of the plot to feature a charming 17-minute song and dance number from Dean of Students Frank Robinson entitled “I Will Eat Your Face.” Robinson rises from the hellish depths of Mordor to help Seamus reach her potential as an engineer, laying down justice on unruly student groups along the way. Ultimately, it’s through the ghosts’ friendship — and the power of Satan — that Seamus is finally able to realize that being an engineer is more than just wheels and cogs: in fact, besides all the money to be made, there’s a string of loveless marriages and unpaid alimony to look forward to. Originally billed as a one-time affair, the production run of A Campus Full of Heart has been extended indefinitely, with rumours of additional musical numbers in the works for future productions. President Indira Samarasekera and Provost Carl Amrhein have reportedly been practicing a duet entitled “University Students (Show Me the Money)” with the hopes of earning future stage time in the production. “Response to the musical has been mostly positive,” Yamagishi says. “Plus, I’m VP (Student Life) so I can do whatever the fuck I want.” Proceeds from the show are being used to install a hot tub in the Students’ Union office. Yamagishi says the hot tub is for executive purposes only.
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farts & carcinogens OVER 9,000
Volume Whatevs, Issue Uhh, PEACE
fashion creatures COMPILED AND PHOTOGRAPHED BY Sadeline Myth
Jacob Howl Genetics III
Terror reigns as gamers get lost in the fourth dimension NERD WATCH
Nintendo 4DS
RELEASE DATE A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... DEVELOPER Nintendo and Mysterious Black Hole Forces PUBLISHER Fuck Physics Studios Byron Thongsgrove A gaming Welshman
Hot on the heels of their recently-released 3DS earlier this year, Nintendo has announced they’ve got another handheld gaming system to be released in 2012: the Nintendo 4DS. “It’s better than the 3DS, because it’s got a whole other dimension of fun to it,” Shigeru Miyamoto said amidst the laughter of countless adoring children that just seems to follow him around everywhere. “We took our last console, and we asked ourselves, ‘How can we make it even better?’ The answer was simple: take this baby into the fourth spatial dimension.” So far the response from the press and long-time gamers has been mostly negative and largely baffled. The problem is that most gamers just can’t seem to get to its level. As it turns out, trying to control Mario in a two-dimensional projection of four-dimensional space is simply beyond comprehension for most people. Koopas flit into existence with no warning, and moving platforms pop in and out whenever they feel like it, foiling any hopes of ever saving the princess. “I’m not even sure how you interact with the damn thing, though I could only
play it for about a minute before I blacked out,” one user said, noting this could potentially be a deterrent for users who didn’t enjoy electronically-induced head trauma. While it looks like the interface has the same old touch screen, your hand actually disappears inside, entering full-blown four dimensional space. The experience is disconcerting at best — but generally horrifying. Several sources have echoed these concerns, saying the extended play of the device induces headaches, nausea and a weakened experience of proprioception — the innate sense of where one’s limbs are. Beyond that, on the developer level, nobody is sure how exactly to make use of the extra dimension. And metaphysicists are concerned the device could tear a hole through our dimension straight to hell. “It just kind of sits there,” said an
anonymous developer, frightened that Miyamoto will set that infectious, deadly smile upon him. “The transition from 2D to 3D took a long time to get right back in the day, but at least we all knew what 3D was. We’re pretty much just holding onto our dicks and flying blind here. “We used the extra dimension in the game Calculatrix: The Leibniz Conspiracy, but only in a really trivial way — and even that took everything we knew about linear algebra. We had like an omnipresent bag of holding: sort of like those chests in the old Resident Evil games, only everywhere. But Nintendo’s threatening that if we don’t do something more innovative next time, they’ll kill our pets to fuel Miyamoto — they say he literally consumes happiness using this big grindy killing machine.” The developer took out his version of the console to illustrate, but in a shocking turn of events, it swallowed him whole. As of press time, The Getaway has not succeeded in freeing this prisoner of fourth dimensional space. Nintendo has issued a press release regarding the growing trend of 4DS users simply vanishing from 3-dimensional space, assuring everyone that “the 4DS is definitely not just some villainous ploy to kidnap people through the fourth dimension to feed Miyamoto’s relentless appetite for happiness and dreams.”
GETAWAY: Describe what you’re wearing. JACOB: I’m wearing a blue polyester jacket with blue
pants to match. I bought the whole outfit at Gravity Pope, obviously. Then I ate the cashier. GETAWAY: What’s your favourite thing you have on? JACOB: Definitely the jacket. I keep it open to air out my chest hair. There’s nothing more stylish than a little man-fur flapping in the breeze.
A Few Words from The Man D:
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Every Day I’m Shufflin’, 2011
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arts & caaaaarrrrrl 5 ± 2
Volume “What a Loser”, Issue “What Is Life”
Chance to have Bieber babies tops tween girl Christmas lists CELEB SCANDAL
Justin Bieber I want your babiezzz WHEN WHERE
RIGHT NOW
Sperm banks with no morals across the nation
Jackie G-Unit
Official Bieberwatcher Thought you knew everything about your perfectly-coiffed teen idol? Think again, Beliebers. The Getaway has received new information proving that Justin Bieber’s rise to fame was not due to his unexpected discovery on YouTube, but the sale of his teenage sperm like some sort of Bieber breeding program, earning him millions. Despite an effort to portray Bieber as an angelic young man, his past is less than respectable. After making it big with home videos of him singing and playing the drums, the long-awaited onset of puberty
gave Bieber a new opportunity to capitalize on his fame. In a series of under-the-table deals, sperm banks across North America paid exorbitant prices for Bieber DNA, with enough circulating to create an army of mini-Biebs. Chaos is expected in the coming days as hundreds of tweens scramble to the sperm banks across the nation in the hopes of permanently binding themselves to the saggy-pantsed heartthrob. Restrictions have been placed on the golden seed, but dozens of adolescents are determined to get their hands of their very own piece of the singer’s DNA. “My dreams have come true,” said 14-year-old Sarah Donnowitz, now pregnant with Bieber spawn. “Having Justin’s babies is all I could ever want in life.” With the outraged parents of Bieber’s future babymamas demanding child support, Bieber is being forced to find other means of financial security. The young star’s media representative Chaz McSleaze said the star plans to use the turmoil to his advantage, slated for a role in a new show about his parental escapades.
“It’ll be just like the TLC show 19 Kids and Counting, but instead of all the kids’ names starting with the same letter, they’ll have identical Bieber bangs,” McSleaze said. “That trademark swoop has been proven to come from a dominant gene.” With an emphasis on “counting,” it’s still unclear as to just how many women have managed to acquire the sperm. Unauthorized samples of Bieber jizz are currently up for sale on eBay, but The Getaway is unable to confirm whether or not the supposed Bieber sperm is authentic. But with the Biebster’s tadpoles being such a hot commodity, it’s hard not to lament the potential world domination of singing, hair-flipping twats. “This does not bode well for the well being of pretty much everyone,” said a source from the Department of Foreign Affairs on condition of anonymity. “The world is holding its collective breath, praying we don’t see the coming Bieb-pocalypse.” And while hope still remains, this possibility stands to question the myths. No matter how small people may think it is, the Bieber wiener is poised to conquer the nation.
campus hairwatch COMPILED BY Allie Elmrich
Emerson Csorba’s Glorious Locks Honey-golden with darker highlights, slightly wavy with an upward curve in the front: the latest offering from the luscious head of Vice-President (Academic) Emerson Csorba is a force as powerful and terrifyingly beautiful as a Japanese tsunami. Csorba’s hair does not occur naturally. It is a work of art. It takes effort, time and lots of hair gel to give it that perfect colour, texture and flip. It takes him hours to get ready every morning, but it’s time well spent, as he combs and caresses it into the perfect coif. “I have to get up at 3 a.m. every day to get this bad boy ready,” Csorba said, pointing to the glowing halo atop his head. “I’ve also stopped going to the gym because of what it does to my hair. It’s just not worth it.”
Vice-President (External) Farid Iskandar said the Students’ Union attempted to stage an intervention, but Csorba is just too far gone. “It is an addiction — it’s getting in the way of every day life and ruining our family,” he says. “We’ve taken his hair products, but he’s got some hidden in every bathroom across campus.” Csorba doesn’t agree with Iskandar — he’s not an addict, he says, just dedicated to hair. “It doesn’t prevent me from functioning. I still sleep every night, unless I’ve got a date or a meeting with (Provost) Carl Amrhein the
next day. In that case, I just stay up all night teasing these luscious locks. But that’s a rarity.” Csorba explained that over the break, he’ll be able to catch up on some of that much-needed rest, especially if his Christmas wishes are fulfilled. “I asked for a takamakura for Christmas. It’s one of those supports that geisha sleep on instead of pillows,” he explained. “That way I would only have to style my hair about once a week, and it would still be perfect. Then maybe everyone will stop hounding me about my obsession... uh, I mean, my passion.”
herps & derps seriously, calm yo tits
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Campus radio not total shit, for once RADIO WAVEZZZ
#lifeinthegetawayoffice
inside the office COMPILED BY @getawaystalker
CJRW WHEN WHERE
www.imap-i-m-p.ca
Tweets from The Getaway office
All day errday
Crawling out of the basement of SUB to invade your ears
@getawayeic: Joke’s on you guys, The Getaway staff is a literal bag of eels.
DIRECTED BY The hipsters of Edmonton Urgin’ for a Hirjin’
@getawaynews: BREAKING NEWS: all Getaway office computers w/ kittens. Productivity at an all-time low.
secretly also a hipster
In a shocking turn of events, a campus disc jockey decided to play music that people actually enjoy on his radio show this week. “I guess I just realized that not everybody enjoys listening to a constant stream of industrial sound effects,” Eric Samson said, host of an hour-long show previously dedicated to underground japanoise on local station CJRW. Instead, Samson, a 23-year-old English major, played “The Hits,” a combination of power-chords, catchy hooks and non-ironic lyrics often deemed to be “good” by a majority of listeners.
@getawayarts: Turns out if you keep doing duck face, even just ironically, it gets stuck like that forever. Send help. @getawaynews: Please consider the environment before printing this tweet. @getawaynews: Twitter is important for journalists. I’m networking right now. @getawaynews: GOD DAMN FUCK SHIT BALLS. @getawayeic: Joke’s on you guys, The Getaway staff is actually a room of monkeys on typewriters.
“I was pretty happy when I turned on the radio, and instead of a solid hour of chewing sounds, something with a real melody was playing. It’s not CJRW’s usual style.”
@getawaynews: Turns out one of the new couches is actually a tween in disguise. Code Glitter: Getaway office has been infiltrated. @getawayarts: Tween invasion worse than we thought. Found another few in the interview room.
Bobby McStudent
Not a hipster, just some guy
“This isn’t like the atonal garbage CJRW usually plays,” said a local man tuned into the station on his car stereo. “It sounds like it actually has a beat — and I think those might even be discernable lyrics. “Now I can tune into CJRW without worrying that my ears are going to be assaulted with construction noise for hours on end.” But while the response from the radio station’s listenership was overwhelmingly positive, reactions from Samson’s friends at the station weren’t nearly as favourable. “I don’t care about what people actually want to hear,” Robert Robertoson said, twirling his ironic handlebar moustache. “The shows aren’t supposed to be enjoyable — they’re really just a platform for showing off
INDIE OR BUST If you don’t understand the depth of my sonic sounds, you can seriously just GTFO. how deep and interesting we are. If listeners aren’t into it, it’s obviously because they’ve been brainwashed by the mainstream.” While Robertoson insists CJRW listeners just need to “get on our level,” it’s hard to deny the surge in popularity the station is enjoying as a result of Samson’s decision to introduce more accessible music. Station manager Tammy Macs said listeners could look for more popular music from the regularly esoteric station. Part of the new management’s direction will be to bringing forward music people will actually listen to. With the new appreciation for pop music,
@getawayeic: Why are all the editors suddenly wearing heelys? HIRJALIRJ
@getawayonline: ALERT: tweens have put up a firewall on all the office computers — only Nexopia and Neopets are accessible.
regular hosts are concerned about the possibility there may not be room for such former classics as “Sounds of the Moose” and “An hour of dead air is in fact art, not a mistake.” “I’m afraid I’ll come in next and there will no longer be a place for ‘Weird Noises my Car Makes.’ All my friends tell me they love the show, even my mom. And she’s usually pretty critical about my art.” The local station will have to apply to the CRTC in the near future if they continue to draw audiences in the double digits. Officials from the CBC will also be visiting next week to learn from the station’s new-found success.
@getawaybiz: Since when did the editors get paid in Lasenza Girl gift cards? @getawaynews: It’s not looking good for the Getaway staff. The tweens will leave no survivors. @getawayarts: WAIT. When did Selena Gomez become the EiC?
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Volume “What Is Happening”, Issue “Tweet That Shit”
crop that the FUCK out never forget
sparks 18
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Splooge
goats eat grassaway
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Splooge Editor Chewbecca Meddle Phone No way creepers! Email splooge@gateway.ualberta.ca Volunteer Sometimes we meet. If you’re reporter material you’ll figure out when.
pandas volleyball Dec. 10, 2011
0 3 SCORING SUMMARY Score by set
FINAL
Saskatchewan
25
25
25
3
Alberta
0
0
7
0 Homeless JOe
First set Time 5:30
Score A slightly used tampon falls on the court
3-0 SK
Second set Time
Score
1:46
Shorts ride up for major wedgie for 10-0 SK Pandas and team misses rebound
7:46
Pandas setter runs in for a high-five, but 17-0 SK in an embarrasing turn of events, she gets hit in the face with a football
23:08 A man in the crowd yells “Jenga!” and 25-0 SK the whole team topples to the ground, losing the set in the process.
Third set Time
Score
3:09
Tired of the Huskies’ taunts, the Pandas 4-7 SK nail a few kills and also stick a hand through the net to scratch an outside player in the face.
19:54 Pandas can’t believe they lost to the 25-7 SK worst team in the league. Most of the girls start crying and ripping out their hair.
Football Bears hang heads as Mathletes hand them 67-3 loss Homeless Joe
most annoyingly sexist, loves spooning and teddy bears editor In a surprise upset over last weekend, the University of Alberta’s Mathematical Sciences Society downed the Gridiron Bears 67–3 in an exhibition game. The MSS team, or “Mathletes” as they have dubbed themselves, executed a powerful offense with an efficiency that surprised even the physics club. They put together 420 yards of overall offense and containing the Golden Bears running game while at the same time breaking out for more than 150 yards on the ground themselves. Math major and quarterback John Drupon, weighing in at a paltry 122 pounds, was the big story for the Mathletes team, putting up almost 300 yards in the air and running in one TD himself when it looked like the Bears were about to stop them at the five-yard line early in the third quarter. That score put MSS up 60-3 heading into the fourth, and all but put away the game when the defence took to the field. “It was a really tough game, but we came out on top, and that’s all that matters,” said advanced calculus professor turned head coach Jonathan Proust. “(Drupon) was amazing today, using some really ground-breaking calculations on the field to bring this one home. He really used the pythagorean theorem well today to find the shortest
way down the field. It really allowed him to rack up the yardage.” Proust said preparation played a big part in the exhibition win, with his team watching hours and hours of game play film to study their opponent. “We analyzed that film for hours and ran it through some of the super computers we have kicking around in the math department. All that data crunching told us the Bears were a horrible football team and we had a good shot at winning today, which we already knew. It doesn’t take Fermat’s Last Theorem to tell you that.” Bears coach John Stable was disheartened about adding another loss to the team’s dismal record, especially in light of the miracle playoff win last year against the Saskatchewan Huskies. “You know, I keep going back to that win against the Huskies. For one week, we were on top of the world. Why can’t we have that back?” asked Stable. “This is just getting embarrassing.” While quarterback Johnny Slide didn’t post more than 30 yards in the first quarter and not a single completion, Stable refused to pin the blame on him. Instead, Stable remained completely baffled at the result. “When we invited those math nerds to play us in an exhibition game we thought that it’d be a great opportunity to at least win one game this season,” Stable explained. “But I suppose we really are as horrible football team as everybody else says we are.”
Unfortunate quidditch accident sends muggle seeker to ER Chewbecca Meddle Splooge editor
The newly minted U of A quidditch team had an unfortunate mishap at their last official practice of the pre-season that saw seeker Chester Crawford fall off his broom and break a wrist, three ribs and his right leg. Crawford was attempting to lift off from the ground on his broom after reciting the levitating spell of “wingardium leviosa” that he learned from reading Harry Potter novels. When that didn’t work, Crawford tried the spell again, on higher ground. “(Crawford) is a really good player, and I‘ve seen him pull off wingardium leviosa before we were an actual team,” said captain Brianne Newbury. “But I don’t know what happened this time — if it was the pressure of all the students standing around watching us practice or what. Anyway, he shouldn’t have climbed that tree to try from higher ground. I saw the branch breaking and the fall was completely
horrible.” After falling from the tree, Crawford was unable to get up and lay on the ground before an ambulance arrived to take him to the hospital. The quidditch team are scheduled to play Grant MacEwan this weekend, but with their top seeker out for what looks like the rest of the season, the match could be a tough one. Second-string seeker James Kim has a crosscountry background but has never actually run with a broom between his legs before this week. However, the MacEwan quidditch team has been in existence since 2004 — one year before muggle quidditch was officially a sport — but have been denied the claim of inventing muggle quidditch by the International Quidditch Association. The IQA says, “they’re not even a real university, so no, their claim to inventing muggle quidditch is a joke.” Regardless, this weekend’s match is sure to be a thrilling one, with Everett Lape playing
D. Mchairy
the role of the golden snitch — what he says is the role of a lifetime. “I’m so ready to be the best snitch Alberta has every seen,” Lape said enthusiastically. “I’ve got my yellow, glittery leotard and my
tennis balls. I’m going to take those two teams for a ride.” The game will commence Friday at Foote Field at 4 p.m. Invisibility cloaks should be checked at the gate.
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Main gym on the prowl With volleyball and basketball games now at Saville, the Main Gym takes on a new night life Chewbecca Meddle splooge editor
The move from the Main Gym to the Saville Sports Centre this fall was supposed to be a sweet deal for the Bears and Pandas. With an NBAsized basketball court, seating for almost 3,000 and a Dairy Queen on site for that celebratory cool treat at the end of the game, things were looking up for the Green and Gold. Turns out there’s a bit of a twist to this court tale involving mood lighting, luscious ladies and real estate — prime, hi-balling real estate. If the Bears and Pandas aren’t going to be on campus, who would take over their former home in the Main Gym? Well, some more wildlife is gonna be moving in. Cougars galore. “We’ve been looking to move onto the U of A campus for years now,” said Cal Sorrentino, owner of the new Main Gym Ultra lounge. “The type of clientele we cater to is definitely found in your typical U of A student. But we couldn’t get those asshole basketball kids to give up their precious Main Gym. We tried and tried to show them the benefits of playing in Education Gym. And we knew volleyball would follow them. Anyway, long story short, we
splat shorts compiled by Chewbecca
Meddle
WRESTLING SQUAD RECRUITS 90’S WWF LEGENDS TO GET SOME FANS OUT
In an effort to get the student body to come out and support the team, the Bears and Pandas wrestling squad have rounded up some ‘90s television wrestling stars to compete against. Unfortunately the Hulkster wasn’t available as he was busy filming a reunion of Hogan Knows Best despite likely abysmal viewership. Bears and Pandas head coach Oscar Doubleturn was visibly upset about Hogan’s refusal but said, “We got some of the B guys who were available. Who? Rowdy Roddy
built the Saville for them and the bait worked.” The iconic Main Gym is no longer just a spot for pick-up basketball games and intramural volleyball. Now that the Bears and Pandas have moved south, on Friday and Saturday nights the disco ball is lowered, leopard-print couches are trotted out and the dub step blares so loudly the Lister kids drop their dodgeballs and pop all three of their collars. Unfortunately, not all students are qualified to get into the exclusive club. “So much for Pandas and Bears. This gym is for leopards and cougars now,” Sorrentino said. And he’s not kidding. The ladies of Ultra are squeezing 40 years of ass-cheeks into their halter tops and cigarette pant combos, teetering along on four-inch stilettos and stumbling into the paths of the dimwitted undergraduate boys who fill the club every weekend. Ladies have to show ID at the door. Those younger than 35 are escorted off the premises and pointed in the direction of Hudson’s. Guys are carded too. The more the photo resembles an older brother, cousin, roomate or mugging victim then the kid holding the ID, the better. “Let’s just say we’re catering to a Piper said he’d make the trip. Ah, let’s see who else... Vince McMahon. Bret Hart and for the ladies we booked Chyna.” “Nature Boy” Ric Flair insisted on making an appearance, claiming he needs the money in the wake of his third divorce settlement this week. Flair announced his involvement with his trademark “Wooo!,” after which he removed his clothes and began to wrestle a couple of the Bears, blading himself in the process. Golden Bears and Pandas wrestlers, now forced to go by names like “Killin’ Painsworth” and “Michael Ass,” were disgusted by the perceived degradation of their once-proud sport. Before they could comment, however, they were assaulted from behind with metal folding chairs by Piper and
specific type of client. A client that’s maybe a bit of an older gal and hey, even a younger gent. I mean, who am I to judge? It’s hot. It’s classy, and it means I can sleep on a pile of dirty every night, so don’t judge me,” Sorrentino said.
“Let’s just say we’re catering to a specific type of client. A client that’s maybe a bit of an older gal and hey, even a younger gent. I mean, who am I to judge? It’s hot. It’s classy.”
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For Donny Chuck, 17, the experience of getting with an older lady was well worth the thousands of dollars per semester tuition that his parents spent to send him to U of A before he gets put on Dean’s vacation in April. “I totally rock,” Chuck said after high-fiving his posse of bros. “We totally had a lot to talk about. She liked talking about Oprah and shit like that, just like my mom does.”
* We don’t sell those * Really we don’t * Well, maybe if you ask politely * Uppers, downers, all arounders
One convenient back alley location to serve you... Our head office is located just off 118th Avenue. You’ll have to talk to Johnny, and he’ll show you where it is. If you’re the cops, don’t come looking for us. Unless you need drugs.
Hart, who vowed they’d retake the tag team championship belts this Sunday at Panda-Monium 2011 in the Main Gym, also available on Canada West Televison pay-perview.
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Bears bloody Danes in freak hockey fight Chewbecca Meddle Splooge editor
Max Merman Splooge staff
After a crushing 5-4 loss last weekend to the Danish national junior hockey team, the Puck Bears are now seeking retribution for what they think was an unfair call that handed them the loss. The game changing decision — too many men on the ice — negated the Bears’ game-clinching overtime goal and allowed the Danes to capitalize. And while the heartbreaking loss was nothing out of the ordinary for the Green and Gold, it was the circumstances in which the penalty was called that got necks turning and voices raised. In the middle of a Bears breakaway, the Green and Gold’s head coach S. MacGyver suddenly jumped the boards, ran towards the Danish team’s bench and punched their assistant coach Gunner Vestergaard square in the nose. “I meant to go after their head coach. He was giving me the stink eye for the whole game. But as soon as I got over there, all those pale faces looked the same to me. So I just went after the first blonde-haired dude I could land a punch on,” MacGyver said. “Anyways, I’m pretty sure the guy I hit was a big time asshole anyway. Their whole bench was talking some crazy gibberish all night. You don’t talk like that in my house.” Turns out head coach Ansgar Ansgarsen was yelling for his goaltender to stop the puck — “Standse puck! Standse puck!” — according to one fan’s iPhone recording that
caught the entire brawl. For fourth-year Bears centre Gary Gardengnome, the incident was a shock that changed his entire perspective of his coach. It’s even made him reconsider playing out the remainder of the season. “I don’t know why the heck I put up with these bush-league antics. I mean, it seems to happen every year — our backcountry coach and his redneck attitude always ruins our chances at winning a game,” Gardengnome said. “Anybody who admires Don Cherry that much must have a few screws loose, ya know?” The Danish team were quite pleased with the result despite Vestergaard’s broken nose. “Where we come from Coach MacGyver would be hailed as a very great athlete if he were not such an ass,” Ansgarsen said. “In our Nordic Winter Games we have a competition that involves jumping over a wall, running on ice and wrestling a reindeer. It is always great fun.” Vestergaard had no understandable comment to make when asked about why he didn’t move when he saw a fist coming at his face. “Ingen bemaerkninger,” Vestergaard said before turning to the reporter from Sun Weekly and giving a three-minute in-depth interview in English which The Getaway happened to overhear. “I have heard the stories about Canadian hockey and of the many players and of the love of fighting. But never did I think that the coach of the players would do such a thing. “In Denmark it is customary to
embrace the other team and drink a shot of peppermint schnapps after the game. I did not know this was not the custom here.” The Bears now plan to head to Denmark for a re-match. MacGyver
has cancelled Christmas for his players saying that the need to win should always be their top priority. When Denmark returns home from the World Juniors, the Bears will be there waiting for them.
homeless joe
“You don’t come into my house and mop my kitchen floor with my mop. It’s just not done. We need to go over there and show them what it means to play CIS hockey,” MacGyver said.
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rossword Puzzle provided by www.penisland.com Used with flair. Ac-Ross 1. Ross’ name 5. Ross likes it when stores are _____ 9. 45 Across, informally 10. Ross’ favourite Cetacean 11. One of Ross’ least favourite gods in the Ancient Greek pantheon 12. How Ross might cook a salmon steak 13. What Ross needs to do to his hair 14. Computer magics, according to Ross 16. State of matter Ross isn’t 17. Season Ross enjoys 18. Soviet political prison where Ross would not be sent because he knows how to toe the party line 22. Street Fighter character Ross passes over in favour of E. Honda 24. How Ross might abbreviate the act of laughing out loud whilst rolling on the floor 26. What annoying things/stimuli do to Ross 39. Word beginning with “A” 40. Many of one brand of chocolate bar that Ross is okay with but wouldn’t pay for 42. Ross once worked at Wal - ____ 43. The first man on the moon 45. Ross’ sex organs where he does most of his meiosis at 47. Ross’ most famous “eeto” 49. Adjective applicable to Ross or the odour he emits 50. Ross is a poor crossword ______ 54. Ross finds smoking a turn ___
56. Drilling device Ross notices a lot of crosswords use 57. Two ingredients prominent in a Rossmade breakfast 63. Random string of letters 64. Ross knows the name of these Easter Island monoliths. Do you? 65. Precedes “domini,” which may or may not refer to Ross 66. Germanic female name Ross thinks sounds unattractive 67. Ross cooks with these copperbottomed bitches 68. Ross is never ____, except when he is Down in a Rossly fashion 1. Ross’ name 2. Ross’ cookie of choice & phone number 3. Ross’ favourite character from The Lion King 4. The only “asm” Ross gets from da ladies 5. A high school rodeo association that Ross is unfamiliar with 6. Ross’ primary sex organ 7. Great Lake that Ross always forgets the name of 8. Small sleeps that Ross used to do but not so much these days 9. Peachy cocktail Ross would like to try sometime. Hotel Mac, anyone? 15. Ross’ preferred brand of frozen waffle 17. Opposite of “Ross” 18. Turismo or Torino. Ross cares not. 19. Word in another language, probably 20. Probably an abbreviation to
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something 21. A word 22. Ross’ first choice of things to breathe 23. Ross once worked as one during a municipal election 25. Type of eye surgery Ross had a couple years ago 27-35. Random string of letters 36. Like 27-35, only different 37. What Ross would use to travel in Spain 38. Craft/Knitwear website Ross ordered something from recently 41. Time Ross would go by were he in Toronto during the winter
44. Neither mobsters nor Ross ever break this vow 46. Phonetic “F” followed by condensed “you” 48. Wolverine’s real name...or is it? 50. 6 Down, informally 51. Ross is often described as this by his boss until she stopped using that word 52. Ross’ favourite Frightenstein character 53. Ross is always willing to ____ to your friskiness 55. More than one Federal Bureau of Investigation 57. That thing what those Goldeneyes
made 58. Coastal Indian city Ross hasn’t been to 59. Library organization Ross abuses to borrow comics from any library in Alberta 60. Pro Wrestling organization Ross doesn’t patronize because Bischoff, Hogan and Russo are running that crapshow into the ground 61. Medical specialty Ross will never become because he’s dumb and the pharynx is gross 62. Ross rather likes these orange fish eggs you get on sushi.
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Derp 14, 2011