Mujer Madura
Adanari Alatorre Gonzalez
Prologue
Escapasolounapalabra,supéralo.Eltiempomuevelentamentecadavezqueabrola bocafrenteaunhombre.Elcualreconozcocomounvenenoúnico.Unhombreque si me conoció,unhombrequenecesitosuperar.
HerlifebeganonthefirstWednesdayofJunein1964inSantaClara,atowninJalisco, Mexico.Onesmallenoughtowalkthroughandbigenoughtoblisteryoungandoldfeetthe same.Callusesthateventuallyherhusbandwouldshavedown.Heneedswomen'sreading glasses,theoneswithsharpframesshapedlikeacat'seyestotreatherpinkytoe.The prescriptionisn'this,hedoesn'tsweepoffalltheshavingsofdeadskinscatteredontheir bedspread.
Hercalloannouncesitselfwhenshewalksupthestairs,slidingagainsttheinteriorofher orthopedicsketchers,irritatingitsbulbousexterior.Thewomanhasafemininespiritasoldasthe moon,brightandround,withthebluntnessofadream.Sheiscareful,notreserved,witha routinenotsimilartoanyofhersisters.
Shewakesupat6AM.Herconsciousnessdoesnotknowrestunlessoneofherdaughters isnear,andonlywhentheysleepshemoisturizesherskin.Shecreateslayersofpeptides containingouncesoflifeshepoursintothechildrenshenurturesthewaynoneofhercoworkers do.Shedressesherselfinjeans.Holdsherbreathtobuttonablousestylishwithsequinsand stitchesuniquetoher.Sherememberswhereeachgarmentwasboughtandsavorsthethread count.Sheprepareslunchesforherhusbandinacoldkitchen.Shelayersfoilandnutritionwith attemptsatrecognition,placingutensilsinablackplasticbagreusedfromdiscreettripstothe liquorstore.Thereareenoughbagsforallthetrashcansinthehouse.Sheneverhastolooktoo hardwhenit'stimetothrowoutthetrash.Theneighborssayshereplacesthebinswith “stagnantaggression.”
Shewalksdownhillfourblockstocatchthebusandreadsmessagesfromhersiblings; religiousexcerptsaimingathernon-existentdistancefromGod.Shedoesn'tgotochurchon SundaysbutsheglidesrosarybeadsbetweenherfingersandwhispersthreeAveMaria’sto initiateprayerforherdaughterseverymorning.Shebribesheryoungestdaughterwithshopping spreesshedoesn'twant.Herdaughteriswilling,ifnotwanting,toattendSundaychurchwith her.Tokneelonthepewssidebyside,tobowtheirheadsbeforethepriestandtakecommunion. Herdaughterwantstospendtimeoutsideoftheirhome.Thetrashneedstobetakenoutandthe pileofbagsaresuffocatingthemwithoutproximitytotheirheads.
Shearriveshomeafterherdaughterandsitsdownfordinneronlyafterherdaughterhas finishedeating.Herdaughter,agirl,barrelingtowardsadulthoodslowlyeatsfruit,ignoringthe limitinherstomachinthehopeshermotherwillbevulnerableoverherbowlofbeans.Her
motherstaresoutthediningroomwindow.Herdaughtersplitsagrapewithhertwofrontteeth likeababywould.Herdaughtertakesacalculatedrisktoaskhermotherthemundanestof questions:“Comotefue?”Thisistheendofhermothersinterestwiththeexteriorofthehome nextdoorandthebeginningofthenext54minutes.Herdaughtercan'teatanymorefruitsoshe crossesherlegsandlistenstotheparadeofeventshermotherdescribes.
Shebeginsbysighing,simultaneouslychewingfood.Thisirritatesherdaughter sometimes,she'llnevermentionit.Shesays“Estoyarta”herdaughternods,looksdown,then backuptohermotherwhostillhasn'tmadeeyecontactwithher.Internally,shedoesn'tknow howtotellherdaughterthisisnotthelifeshewouldhaveeverchosenforherself.Thatshe staresoutthewindowatthehouseacrossthedrivewayandimaginesthesamethingsher daughterdoes.Sheenviesthehouseandtherentersthesamewayherdaughterdoes.Shewishes tobeyounganddetached.She'dneverbewithamanagain.Ifonlytohaveadaughterandrefuse thefatheraroleinhersinglelife.Theman,althoughconflicted,wouldacceptthisoffer,shake herhand,andlethergetonthetrainwiththeirbaby
Shedreamsofstrappingheronlyinfantdaughtertoherchest.Whisperingpromises—her voicecangoundetectedbutherwordshaveneverflownundertheradar—tohersleepingbaby, promisesofalifesingulartothem.Hadsheknownthatthewhisperhercurrentdaughter inheritedwouldn'tbeenoughtotakethembothaway,shewouldhaveneversharedherfirst secret.Halfwaythroughhermealsherealizesthatherglasseshavebeencatchingthefoodthat hadn'tmadeitintohermouth.Shetakesthemoffandletsthefoodsolidifyonherlenses,her daughterfeelsnauseous.Sheimaginestheneckstringsaremalleable.Thatthefabrichasbeen wettoooftentonotbesomewhereinbetweenwetanddry,malleable.Sheflicksthefoodoffthe lensesandstacksplates,napkins,forksandwaste.Whenshewashesdishesshepraysunderher mouth.Faithistheonlytethershehastothetask.Likeasongsheloves,shepraysrepeatedly untilherhandsaredryandflaky.
Herskinisdangerous.Herskinisdottedandstretched.Shehasscarsandbacteriafesters beneathhernails.Sheknowsit'sdangerousbecauseherhandsaren'tbleachedlikehersisters. She,unlikehersisters,can'tsoakinwesternbrainwash.Thewhitefogginess,theaddictionto purewhitefuckingdrugs.
Shewassupposedtobeinthesouth.DeepinSouthernAmerica,closesttothemountains, adaughter,justone,nursedbeneaththeshadeofdyingagave.Cuttingfruitwithsunspotted
hands,akindprescription,framesthatlovedherface,influenceonlytheVirginMarycould bestow.ShewouldnotthinkofJesus.Shewouldsurroundherhomewithsucculents,and lavender.Soakherbabyingoat'smilkandruboatmealonthesolesofherfeet.Kissthespread fingersofadaughterthatonlyknowsher Amasterpiece,shewouldbeaneternalmasterpiece. Afterdeath—acknowledingthatnaturalezaesunacuraimmortal—itwillbeabriefmoment.She believesdeathislikeaplateshattered,quickandgone,ontothenext.
Theplates,pots,andcutleryaredrippingintothelowerpoolofherdishrack.Bacteria admiresthiswomanrinsingsalivaoffofforkswiththesingleswipeofadistressedsponge. Thereisresistancewhensheleanstherackoverthesinktolettheliquidpouroverthedrain. There'sshineonherforehead,iridescenceofherancestry.Herskinisanuntappedoildrum.
Thereisspontaneitytoher,surelyshethinks.Thereiscupiditybeneaththishomemade woman.Craftedbyviolentsiblings,insufficientaffection,andalienmisfortune.
Ithurts,thesinkingofskinandbones.Plumpingcreamstingsherwaterlineandinduces rednessofhersclera.Thisistheclosestshewillbetohigh.Druginducedanti-agingiswhatitis called. Quiere Te. Iswhatshecallsit.Thescentofanemailtrailsintohernostrils,it’sfinally timeforbed.
Thehumpinherbackthelikenessofherdaughtershurtsworsethanthemansheclings to.Noonewilleverscrapehimoffherback.Shewillsearthesewordsofwisdomintoher daughterslikethebrandingofcattle.“Youarewomen,”shewillsay "Youaremydaughters,I amyourmotherandweareaninstitutionthatfunctionswithoutyourfather.”Shewillthenturn hercheekandrebuildthemarriagewithoutamanualsoevery“milestone”willbeaseffortfulas cuttingfruitonthesavorycuttingboard,drinkingsmoothiesoutofthesalsablender. Herdaughterislockedinherbedroom.Refusingherbladder'seffortstoanimateher wholebodyupandouttoachippedtoiletbowl.Sheiseatingherselfcleanoffthebone,starting atthefingers.Hermotherarrivesatthedoorofherbedroom,thesmallestofthetwo.Asystemic sacrificethatwasmadeuponherinitialarrivaltothehome.Thebedisundone.Tolookistotake personaloffense.Itisasiftheduvetwashorrificallymistreatedandthepillowswerecontorted malevolently Thebedmakesheruncomfortablebutnotenoughtoreplaceit.Shelaysdownon theevilmattress.Sheisdraggedintoanuneasysleepinthedentofherhusband'sbody.At12:23 AMherhusbandispinchingherspinalcolumnwithicyfingers.StartingatT7andendingatT10
beforeshewakesup.Forasecondshecan'tbreathe.Sheforgetsthismanisherhusbandand almostsuffocateshimwiththestainedduvet.
Thentherealnightmarebegins.Heisolateshertothewallandfallsasleepinstantly, besideher Shestuffsthegapbetweenthewallandthebedwithablanket,hersideofthebed recognizeshismaltreatmentandstiffenstoherback.Shedreamsaboutattendinghisfuneral. Layingflowersatthecrestofhiscoffin,coughingonphlegmandswallowingitback,imitating him.Herbloodfreezesover,slusheswithinherveins,andslipsoutofhermouth.Shebeginsto chokeinapatternonewouldalmostbelieveishereditary.Arehearseddeath.Hersufferingisa precursortohisabandonment.Herlifeisacompilationoflittledeathsthatknownobounds. Theywillperjureheruntilpeace,whichsheclassifiesasthedayshedies.Inherwords“Cuando yanoeste”Whensheisnolongerhere.Herwholelifewillbeaslimtrailofreligiousexcerpts, unbearablemistakes,andgodgifteddaughters.Nomanwillhaveplanted life here,justbedsof frost.
Thereisamorning,thedayofher63rdbirthday,thatshestills.Elhombrequeresfriósu vidaleregalaraunmomentoinolvidable.Soloquenoserálaprimeravez,serálaúltimaaniquila.
Therewasnoearlycelebration,notrayofhomecookedbreakfast,therewasn'tevena brushofwarmskinagainstherstoexpresssomecelebratorydisplayofloveonherbirthday She justwokeup.Therewasabriefphonecallonherwaytowork.Undergroundsheswayedwith thenatureofthetrain,themovementwasinvoluntary Onthephonehersistermentionedher birthdayinonebreath.Shespokeloudlyasifthestaticofthetraincouldmufflehervoice.The linecutoffbeforeblessingsandgoodbyescouldbeexchanged.Shegotoffthetrain,andwalked towork.Achildhuggedhermusclecladcalvesbeforeshecouldtypein8AMonthetimesheet. Sheinstinctivelypalmedthechild'shairsoftly.Swishingherfingersthroughthinblondehair. Thischilddoesn'tknowhowoldsheis,thischilddoesnotcare.Thereissomethingtwisted aboutthiswholeexperience.Shebelievesthisisthebeginningofadependency Notofthechild onherbutofheronthechild.Sick,shewishestherewasawaytogoback.Adoptthisgirlasan infant.
Regardlessofherbirthdaywish,sheachesuntilherbreak.Reachingforherphone, pickingitupfromtheback,picturesofherdaughtershehadplacedbehindtheclearcasespeak
toher:“FelizCumpleanosMami!Nohayunamujercomotu,unamujerquecuida,queamasin condiciones.Quesacrificasuspropiossueñosporelmejoramientodesushijas.Nuncahe olvidadotupresencia,nuncateolvidaré.Hoy,eldíaquenacistenacieronmissueñosytus orgullos.Seguramenteyalosabes,peroparaquenoseteolvide.TeAmo,TeQuiero,TeAdoro.”
Thegrammarischoppy,butthesentimentisveiledandbluntaltogether Herdaughterhasaway withwordsthesamewayshedoes.Ithauntsher,tolookherintheeyes.Haveadaughteras youngassheisandknowhermotherisasoldassheis.Herdaughterdoesnotfeelbirthed.
Herownmotherfeelssofargone.Herownbirthcouldn'thavebeeninvainthewayso manyare.Thosebirthsaretiedtothetypeofdespaironlyamothersumbilicalcordcould transfer.Shedidn'tfeelatethertoherdreamsanymoreandshedidn'tknowwhenandwhocut thecord.Therestofthedayshewassomeoneelse.Awomanwithanuclearfamilyandno privilegetoleave.Foronereassuringsecondshethoughtabouthernuclearfamilyexploding beneaththewater,eventhedog.Thedamagewouldneverreachher
Itishourslaterandherhusbandisawalkingstench.Alcoholissinkinginandoutofhis pores.He’scartoonishlydrunk.Likethepaunchy,red,sweatymaninananimationwhoisbeing violentlyfriendlywithhisapproaches.Shehasherheaddowninherownhome.Herdaughter besideherknowsthatbarkingbackandslappingtheintoxicationoffhisfacewillonlykillher mother.Herdaughtersteadiestheheadonhershoulders,bringsthepalmofherhandtoher motherskneebeneaththetableandstillstheshake.Shetriestoignorethepushingoffoodonher mothersspoon,thelackofappetite,thelackoflifeinherpresenceatthetable.
Sheliftsherheadtolookatherdaughter,thefoodmissedhermouthandthebrothfrom thebeansisdryingonhercleftchin.Herhusbandisstandingtallattheheadofthetable,allfive foottwoofhim.Allthestiffwidthofhisstomachheavingwithquestioningasheraiseshiscar keystoaskhisdaughterthestatusofhervirginity.Themotherblinksoffoneoftheeight eyelashesthatremainonherleftlashline.Sheisgettingskinnier,thedecadesofnutrientsshe foughtforarefallingoffinlayersofskin,hair,collagen,retinol,andtears.Foramomentsheis thankfulforaclosedcasket.Aslabofherhairlinefallsinherbowlandbloodstartstoblurthe lookofhorroronherdaughter'sface.
Shesaystoherdaughter“Nadiemeconoce”beforethelastlayerofskinshieldingher arteriesandnervesexposesherinternalanatomy.Herdaughter’seyesextendsowideherretinas almostsplitintensionasshereachesforthelayersofskinthatpileonthedinnertable.Her
fatherislaughingasifthisspontaneoussceneofbrutalityisaninfantilejokehe’llreciteata familygathering.Hecoinshiswife'ssufferingforananecdotethatwilllivewithouther.Her daughterisatremblingmessofshockandadrenaline.Hermotherhasnolips.Thenoisesthat comeoutofthegapingcavitythatusedtobehermother'smouthareunintelligibleshrieksand breathsofagony Sheisaconvulsivebundleofwhatbarelyresemblesawoman.Themother attemptstocommunicatethroughfranticeyemovements. Hereyesgostill.She'ssurethatherdaughterwon’tlivemuchlongerafterherdeath.She raisesthecollectionofoutstretchednervesthatoncefunctionedasfingers,stingingwitheach flushofoxygen.Herdaughterfeelstheslidingslicknessofnervestohercheek.Sheholdsthem delicatelywithmuchtrouble.Unawareofthedamageherunsteadyhandsareinflictingonher skinlessmother.“Superalo”shesays,herragemixedwithgrief.Themotherlooksdowntoher daughter'ssternumwatchingtheriseandfallofheroffspring'slifethroughherchest.She thoughtthespeedatwhichherdaughterwasbreathing,resembledthepaceofboilingwater The mothercapturesashrillconfessioninherdeterioratingthroatonelasttime,justloosevowels: “III-AAA”(hija).Herdaughterwatchedtearsdribbleoutofhermotherseyecavitiestomoisten whatwasleftofherplumpredfacialtissue.
ThemotherdiedonJune3rd,2011inhercitizenshipgivingcityofSanFrancisco.Beside ablessingandacurse,besideherskin,inherbones.Herlastwordswereherlastapology.Had sheknownthatherdaughterwouldgoontodismemberherfatherbeginningatthefingersand endingattheearsinpursuitofblame,shemighthaveshriekedonemorevoweltobetrayher daughter.Tostopherfromovercominghim.Fortunately,herdaughterovercamehim.The Motherneverdid.Herspiritlivesaloneandmothersthedepartedsoulofthedaughterthatnever cametobe.Hercriesaresweetandlong,herheadsmellsofcleanskinandsanctity