Windy Killer! Craigroyston have a “gale of a time” as pathetic Primaries run out of puff at Pennywell. The penultimate game in a largely successful season ended up with a shell shocked Primaries pissing in the wind after a spirited comeback from Craigroyston. The match had to be delayed for ten minutes after it came to light that noone in the Rossoblu had any bloody idea where the kit bag was. Once Forrest kindly stepped in to tog the lads out, the newly christened Gialloblu took to the field. By the end of the game the sight of 15 guys with yellow stripes on their backs would be wholly appropriate after a shameful capitulation. Primaries started the game well with Baillie and Dimeck coming to the fore with some neat interplay. Willie French was also back in the ranks for Primaries and looked to be enjoying the free role he had given himself. Jamie Begg was also looking to continue his recent run of form and he was given a glorious opportunity after being put through by Gilhooley. Unfortunately for Primaries it was the normal Begg that had turned up and he made an absolute Horlicks® of a simple chance. Worse was to come for Jamie Young when he sclaffed another shot well wide when it looked easier to score. Jamie Old and Hot Shot leader Sullivan looked on in bemusement at the decision to leave PSFC’s fearsome striking duo on the bench for this one. When the howls of derision had finally died out Primaries took the lead. The ball broke to Dimeck on the edge of the Craigie box after a scramble and he curled a majestic outside of the foot strike into the bottom corner. It was sublime stuff from Dimeck with the ball taking the kind of bend that would have had Newton choking on his apple in wonderment. 10 Primaries This was still a tight affair and with French continuing his baffling forays around the darkest recesses of the pitch, Primaries suddenly looked light in the middle (not an easy task with the podgy figures on show). Craigroyston had been pushing forward with regularity and they turned possession into goals when a cross from the right was knocked into the net past a helpless Forrest. 11. It was becoming apparent that the original picks weren’t up to scratch and a raft of changes suddenly provided the catalyst for a Primaries breakthrough. Blustering striker Sullivan had already created havoc in the few moments he had had on the pitch (refreshingly not for his own team), so when a defensive clearance was sent skyward it was “The Fat Douglas” who cushioned the ball beautifully for Jamieson who lashed a
shot past the home goalie in a vain attempt to hijack the Hot Shot trophy and restore the Primaries lead! 21 Primaries HT. There was feverish discussion at halftime as to how to make the most of the wind advantage during the second period and Primaries settled for a sensible “gentle low pass” tactic in order to maintain the upper hand in this one. Unfortunately, those instructions must have been imparted to the majority of the team in Snowdonian Welsh because the Primaries team that reappeared after the break began to play like a total bunch of “Jimmy Nae Stars”*. The problems started from the off. French had commandeered the tactics board and was intent on using it as a weapon to leather his own troops. The first manifestation of The Little General’s madness took place just as Craigroyston were due to take a corner. Flying in the face of conventional wisdom (using the “Ah Ken Best” system) French suddenly decided that this would be the perfect opportunity to replace two defenders with, wait for it, a winger and a striker. You can guess the rest. 22. By this point it should have been all hands to the pump yet Primaries were playing like a mass audition for Sesame Street. Its damned lucky Billy Smart had decided against sending a scout to this one because a good few in Yellow and Blue would currently be plying their trade beneath a striped tent. Newly converted left back Jamie Young was desperate to redeem himself after a wasteful first period. Unfortunately, strikers don’t usually “do defence” very well (Precedent: Sullivan vs. Tynie/St.Davids) and Craigroyston took full advantage to snatch the lead. Begg inexplicably offered a Rip Van Winkle impression deep in his own half after falsely claiming a shy on the left side. It was food and drink for the home attack as they swept the ball home unchallenged. Bollocks to this! 23. Primaries now spilled forward faster than a Prawn Bhuna down Woodhead’s lap and were desperate to make amends. However, the football gods were angry with PSFC (probably something to do with Gilhooley’s tiedye undercrackers) and the ball simply would not …erm…. play ball. Firstly, a Petrie effort looped onto the bar only to drop kindly into the home goalkeepers arms before an incredible double save from Sullivan kept the two goal cushion intact. Meanwhile, Durkin was performing miracles at the other end with a serious of last ditch tackles as Primaries went for broke. Alas, all efforts were in vain and the game finished with a flurry of petulant insults with even the Referee calling French “a dick”. Full Time 42 Craigroyston. Man of the Match: For standing strong whilst all about him turned to Instant Whip it was Paddy Durkin who took the plaudits with a stalwart performance.
* 1. Jimmynaestars A buffoon. An unskilled person. From the McDonald's practice of awarding stars on employees' badges denoting skill or experience level. “Don't listen to him; he's a Jimmynae stars!”