Dimecks a Knock Out

Dimeck’s a Knock-Out in Newbattle Second half salvo leaves home side reeling. If this was a boxing contest (and with PSFC it usually is) it would have been stopped well before the final whistle. A second half barrage of blows sent Newbattle for an early bath as Primaries leathered the home side into submission in Midlothian. However, before anyone has a pop at the title, mention must be made to the two lightweights up front who huffed and puffed but, ultimately, spent the opening period on their arse waiting to be counted out. Gary “ButterBean” Sullivan (left) and Steven Jamieson (more Charles Hawtrey than Charles Atlas ­ Ed) would have struggled to knock the skin of a bowl of Ready Break ® during this pitiful showing, summed up by an all too predictable penalty miss that managed to float like a butterfly (4 foot over the bar) and sink like a toaley all at the same time. Thankfully, the referee took pity on the powder puff pair and blew up for Half Time with the tie, incredibly, goal­less. HT­ 0­0 The change of ends also brought about a change of official; more of that later. Primaries started the second half with renewed vigour (after some Rocky­esque hyperbole in the red corner) and immediately “set aboot” the home side like some snarling 22 legged Smeato wildly thrashing at a smouldering Land Rover. An incredible three goal combo had Newbattle blowing from the tugs and on the seat of their pants in a devastating 10 min spell. A drilled Petrie corner from the right found Dimeck charging in to land a bullet header into the net. Dimeck later claimed he lost consciousness (not as often as I have after each laboured re­telling – Ed) at the point of contact, yet if any brain damage was caused, it must have been “the good kind” because the stout midfielder suddenly launched into a Man of the Match winning performance with a further two goals. 1­0 Primaries Primaries and Dimeck’s second came just a minute later as a quick break away saw “Heavy Bag” bobbing and weaving (Aye. Basket Weaving! – Ed) into the box to slot coolly with his left and send Newbattle scurrying for the cold sponge. 2­0 Primaries Just as the home side were peeking through their fingers to see if it was safe to come out, an uppercut third from Jamieson provided the killer blow in what was rapidly becoming a hugely one sided contest. 3­0 Primaries New Goalkeeper, Martin “Fighting Freckles” McCann, had been marshalling the defence well with his unique brand of quiet cajoling and cooing reassurance. Indeed, the whole team seemed to be playing in unison, with the fullback tag­team of Wilson and Kay rolling with the punches (shouldn’t that be paunches? – Ed) and pocket

dynamo Robert Rowanfield’s “Ali Shuffle” (as opposed to Paul’s disgusting party trick “The Hunter Shuffle”) bamboozling the midfield. Indeed, it was youngster Rowanfield who stretched Primaries lead further with a fantastic solo goal after good work from Odie and Petrie. 4­0 Primaries The one thing the game had been missing was any semblance of officialdom. Sure, that made for a free flowing game but the new Ref must have had the pea stolen from his whistle as not a peep was heard for the entire second half. The Beavis look­a­like contented himself with skirting around the periphery of the players area (cheeky! ­ Ed) with a confused expression and whenever a contentious decision was to be made, either grinned inanely and shrugged his shoulders or Referee Beavis – Couldn’t give a monkey’s nodded sagely and sparked up a dooby. The best goal of the game provided the knock out punch for Primaries. Morrison rumbled (deftly avoiding “The Jungle”) from defence, hooked a pass out wide to Rowanfield who immediately fizzed a square ball to Dimeck via a sumptuous dummy from Sullivan (he hadn’t spat it at this point). Dimeck feinted (no, not fainted – Ed) and jabbed a stinging right foot shot past the helpless stopper. 5­0 Primaries It was now a case of stopping the contest before someone got hurt, yet Sullivan was still intent on playing like an 80 year old fairground pikey who had taken one punch too many. Another horrible sclaff wide of goal had the quietly reserved McCann offering his advice from the goalmouth i.e. “He’s shit, byraway! Get that diddy aff!”, the final ignominy being a badly bruised toe due to kicking a sand filled traffic cone in frustration (Fud! –Ed) There was still time for Primaries to go nap as Rowanfield showed he had the stomach for a fight by deservedly ending the bout with a crushing blow. (I would’ve described it in more detail but I cannot bloody remember it! Anyway, I’m sure it was a peach. No, really. It was dead good! ­ Ed) 6­0 Primaries Full Time The game came to an end when the referee simply picked up the match ball and wandered in the vague direction of the changing room, nervously giggling to himself. It wasn’t until after the match that the reason for the whistler’s bizarre antics became clear. He had got changed beneath the air vent that runs directly from the away dressing room toilets in which Dimeck had blotted his copybook pre­match. All in all a fabulous second half from PSFC with some title­winning performances. But it was Greg Dimeck who donned the belt and lifted the Man of the Match trophy after a “perfick” Hat­Trick.