THE BELFIELD BANTER - PASSING SKAS 7TH of MAY, 2008 | BANTER PUBLICATIONS | ISSUE VIII
Faculty in the Hunger Games By Violet Moore ‘28
To boost morale, St. Anne’s-Belfield issued a poll to decide what activities the school should partake in. The general student body voted on a staff-themed Hunger Games, winning the vote by a whopping 82%. St. Anne’s was initially hesitant to put their faculty members in an area and force them to commit violent acts, but was eventually convinced at the realization that Jenifer Lawrence played Katniss, so what’s the worst that could happen? All faculty members’ names were placed in a hat and drawn by Mr. Hart at community meeting. The following names were chosen: Profe, Ms. Ruff, Mr. Mattise, Mr. Bryce, Ms. Meney, Ms. Speidel, Mr. Groves, Dr. Troy, Mr. Bartholomew, Mr. Clark, Dr. Dumansky, and Mr. Phillips. Not wanting to lose too many faculty members, the school decided to only draw 12 names rather than 24. Though no one asked him to, Mr. Taylor decided to take on the role of Caesar Flickerman, commentator for the games. The twelve faculty were placed in a circular freshwater arena. The first casualty was Ms. Speidel, as she almost immediately stepped off the platform before the countown was finished. The rest of the faculty members didn’t have enough time to react as the game began.
The Heat is On By O.J. Readmore
Dean of Students Jeremy Hart addressed the newly deputized prefect “wranglers” to scour the commons, turn out the kiln, and even clear the greater Grisham bathroom confines to find the most wastefully energetic community violater: the thermostat bandit. On little cat feet, our bandit sneaks in and turns the local climate control to 80 and promptly vanishes. While students have speculated whether they are motivated by a pro-climate change accelerationist radicalism, or they are simply a “lil joker” who likes to watch the teachers sweat, their identity remains unverified and their message inscrutable. Afraid to incite further panic, a visibly drenched Mr. Clark says “it just feels kinda wrong to want to crank the heat and burn those fossil fuels,” but dear reader, fret not … because: the heat is on. Offering broad “get out of tardy” free cards, Mr. Hart has created a vast network of informants, proto-prefects and outright Pinkertons sure to catch the bandit in mid-crank to 80 degrees. The new dropdown box for this unique behavior event might inspire some previously apathetic teachers to the forefront of this vital manhunt. Keep a watchful eye reader, the bandit rides tonight!
Update: It’s Alfred Xu. He told on himself.