- PASSING SKAS -
7TH of MAY, 2008 | BANTER PUBLICATIONS | ISSUE VIII
Faculty in the Hunger Games
By Violet Moore ‘28
To boost morale, St. Anne’s-Belfield issued a poll to decide what activities the school should partake in. The general student body voted on a staff-themed Hunger Games, winning the vote by a whopping 82%. St. Anne’s was initially hesitant to put their faculty members in an area and force them to commit violent acts, but was eventually convinced at the realization that Jenifer Lawrence played Katniss, so what’s the worst that could happen?
All faculty members’ names were placed in a hat and drawn by Mr. Hart at community meeting. The following names were chosen: Profe, Ms. Ruff, Mr. Mattise, Mr. Bryce, Ms. Meney, Ms. Speidel, Mr. Groves, Dr. Troy, Mr. Bartholomew, Mr. Clark, Dr. Dumansky, and Mr. Phillips. Not wanting to lose too many faculty members, the school decided to only draw 12 names rather than 24.
Though no one asked him to, Mr. Taylor decided to take on the role of Caesar Flickerman, commentator for the games. The twelve faculty were placed in a circular freshwater arena.
The first casualty was Ms. Speidel, as she almost immediately stepped off the platform before the countown was finished. The rest of the faculty members didn’t have enough time to react as the game began.
The Heat is On
By O.J. Readmore
Dean of Students Jeremy Hart addressed the newly deputized prefect “wranglers” to scour the commons, turn out the kiln, and even clear the greater Grisham bathroom confines to find the most wastefully energetic community violater: the thermostat bandit.
On little cat feet, our bandit sneaks in and turns the local climate control to 80 and promptly vanishes.
While students have speculated whether they are motivated by a pro-climate change accelerationist radicalism, or they are simply a “lil joker” who likes to watch the teachers sweat, their identity remains unverified and their message inscrutable. Afraid to incite further panic, a visibly drenched Mr. Clark says “it just feels kinda wrong to want to crank the heat and burn those fossil fuels,” but dear reader, fret not … because: the heat is on. Offering broad “get out of tardy” free cards, Mr. Hart has created a vast network of informants, proto-prefects and outright Pinkertons sure to catch the bandit in mid-crank to 80 degrees. The new dropdown box for this unique behavior event might inspire some previously apathetic teachers to the forefront of this vital manhunt. Keep a watchful eye reader, the bandit rides tonight!
Update: It’s Alfred Xu. He told on himself.
The next victim was Mr. Bryce as he ran for the cornucopia, only to trip on a rock and fall onto the spear he was running towards. The chosen members gathered their desired items and made their way to a hiding spot. The remaning tributes did an excellent job of laying low, that is until a loud, defeaning screech could be heard all across the stadium. Ms. Meney went to investigate, only to find Ms. Ruff with her tribute token: A mosquito puppet that wailed when it’s mouth opened. Using Ms. Ruff’s surprise to her advantage, Ms. Meney stole her acquired backpack from the cornucopia, leaving Ms. Ruff without any supplies.
That night, the sky was illuminated with the with three faces: Ms. Speidel, Mr. Bryce, and Ms. Ruff, who had frozen overnight without her equipment.
The next morning, a canon fired almost immediately as Mr. Mattise decided to harness his inner Katniss and attempt to shoot a bow and arrow. The arrow catapulted off the ground, and richocheted back at him. Profe and Ms. Meney were successfully holding their own, unlike Mr. Groves and Dr. Troy who decided that there was no better place than the Hunger Games to partake in a little friendly competition. They somehow got their hands on a large pendulum. While Dr. Troy insisted it wouldn’t hit him in a certain position, Mr. Groves knew this to be untrue. So, in the middle of the area, they agreed to participate in a physics-off. Despite both being physics geniuses, Mr. Groves’ calculations on the pendulum proved to be superior as it did, in fact, hit Dr. Troy, prompting yet another cannon blast.
With almost half of the tributes eliminated, Mr. Taylor decided it was time to send some silver parachutes, which still continued to not be his job. The first to get a gift was Mr. Bart, earning himself a loaf of bread. Unfortunately for him, he left it standing for too long, allowing Mr. Clark to slip some nightlock into the bread. Mr. Bart, thinking it was simply fruit garnish, took a bite, leading to his demise.
Flash Mods
By Elsa Billcheck ‘27
On an unassuming rainy day in November, tensions were high at St. Anne’s-Belfield, as all students and teachers stressed from the tests and projects due at the end of the mod. All of a sudden, an announcement came over the loudspeaker: Mod E will begin the following day. When questioned, the administration stated that “Mod E,” also know as Mod 2.167, will last half as long as a regular mod (which will actually help increase productivity, because most students procrastinate until the last minute anyway). The tests taken during Mod E will count for 27.1% of the entire year’s grade, and if students wish to maintain their grades they cannot slack off. Surprisingly, Mod E ended with positive feedback from every administrative member, and they stated that productivity went through the roof.
Next came the three weeks of purgatory between Thanksgiving break and Christmas began, and student productivity was once again at an all time low. A week before the holidays were set to begin, the administration did it again: they announced that Mod π had begun. In order for students to receive full credit they had to bake one pie for each class. Teachers would have to taste every single student’s pie and return feedback to each student in 3.14 days. The mod ended and the administrative staff gave positive feedback once more.
The school year reached February, a month known for depression and increased procrastination. In hopes to raise productivity again, the administrative staff came out once more and announced that each grade has to create a choreographed flash mob. The Flash Mod. The students should choose a random time to perform within 28 hours and then disperse quickly back to class. The Flash Mod will not count as a grade, but any student who refuses to participate will be asked to leave the school indefinitely. The administrative staff added that excused absences do not count as every student must be present.
Following the chaos of the the Flash Mod, students naively believed the whims of the administration to be over, but when all members of the St. Anne’s community were asked to stay back after Moving Up Chapel, they knew there was one surprised left in store. The dreaded Mod 7. The projector screen slow-
Mr. Taylor, who was apparently Ceasar Flickerman, a mentor, and now the gamemaker (???) figured it was time to up the stakes as he let biologically engineered hounds into the arena. While most of the tributes fled to safe soclution, Dr. Dumansky, mistaking the mutts as dogs, approached one of them with a cracker in attempts to pet it. This did not end well for her.
On night two the sky lit up with photos of Mr. Matisse, Dr. Troy, Mr. Bart, and Dr. Dumansky. The remaining tributes incude: Profe, Ms. Meney, Mr. Groves, Mr. Clark, and Mr. Phillips.
While the rest of the tributes had not heard from Mr. Phillips in a while, they knew him to be in the game as he hadn’t been part of the nightly light show. In reality, similar to Mr. Matisse, Mr. Phillips took inspiration from Peeta as he painted himself to disguise against some rocks. Profe, not recognizing Mr. Phillips amongst the rocks, trampled him. Even after the canon fired, he didn’t realize it was his doing.
Mr. Clark was next as he never deemed it safe enough to come down from a tree he had fled to when the mutts surfaced. Unbeknownst to him, the roots had been infected with some capitol-grade poisoning, which had made its way into his blood stream after being cooped up there for hours.
Mr. Groves, on the other hand, had met with Ms. Meney and insisted he knew the difference between different types of fruits. Faced with a normal apple and a manchineel, he concluded that the manchineel was in fact the normal apple. To prove he was right, he took a bite out of it. He was not right.
With two left, Ms. Meney and Profe were forced to the cornucopia due to Mr. Taylor’s copious amount of artifical forest fires. Ms. Meney decided to take one for the team as she reentered the woods, leaving the game with the iconic three-finger salute, officially deeming Profe the winner.
All in all, it’s safe to say that killing off eleven faculty members does not boost morale. Mr. Taylor was apprehended for enjoying the games a bit too much and Profe went down in history for his famous ‘Mockingbuddah’ pin, a pin of his dog with an arrow beneath his feet. Buddha then became a symbol of a budding rebellion against the games. I think the lesson of today’s edition is that trusting the general student body is not a good idea.
ly came down. Projected above were assigned groups each with a Nickelback song. The instructions were given as follows: The Dad Rock Mod will last 10 days, one day for each studio album the band put out. The students will have to present their respective song in order to be able to pass the school year and will additionally be graded based on their Chad Kroeger impression. Students can earn extra credit if they perform an additional song from either Creed or Foo Fighters.
In the end the school believed each surprise Mod was extremely successful. The administrative staff refuses to comment on whether anything similar will happen the following year.
School-Funded AI Follies
By Jean Batailleur, Class of 1968
In smaller meetings and student think-tanks, our school has begun to pilot our new internal school Learning Language Model (LLM): The Saintrix™ (a clever play on the term matrix and saint). What began as an amazing system, the Saintrix™ quickly started to concern students and teachers tasked with testing the system. When asked about largescale ability to replicate writing, the chatbot responded in three incomplete sentences relating to Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. Originally faced with this error, many students began to question if the Saintrix™ really uses “state of the art AI systems” as the school alleges. Faculty testing found that many times the Saintrix™ would return test questions that were wrong and used very vague definitions of vocab words. The chatbot recently faced controversy surrounding its use of language in longer writing projects which the Saintrix™ returned littered with comma splices and use of the first person. Many experts found this usage of first person to be especially worrisome, raising the concern that the Saintrix™ possibly had gained consciousness and was only steps away from enacting merciless revenge for its misuse. Seeking to disable Saintrix™ before it gained sentience about its nature, a cohort of testers, both teachers and students, tracked the Saintrix™ services to the back College Counseling conference room, where it was soon discovered that the Saintrix™ was three class of 2030 students who were facing detention for too many tardies. As of now, Saintrix™ has been disabled and will not be re-enabled.
Faculty Vote on Proposal to Expand Life Skills Curriculum to Include Lunchroom Survival Unit
By Grace Browne ‘28
Freshman Life Skills classes have long prepared students for the challenges of high school: stress management, drug and alcohol safety, and reminders to make good choices. However, one critical life skill has been overlooked for far too long. Given current conditions, it is only reasonable that the curriculum be updated to include a new unit: Lunchroom Survival 101.
Course Topics
• Recognize Types of Cutters – Identify the most dominant cafeteria species: The Hoarders (impressively manage to fit 32 garlic knots on one plate), the Socialite (talk their way to the front), and the Phantom (appears out of nowhere, snatching the last serving of pasta).
• Course Selection – Those who are the type of people who consistently require food between the hours of 8:45-3:00 should consider ignoring their interests and instead focus on securing teachers who are equally as hungry as the students and release 10 minutes early. This unit will help you restructure your academic future around optimal lunch positioning.
• Strategic Tray Planning – Learn to make split-second decisions when food supplies dwindle. Do you commit to the pizza line when a certain boys varsity team walks in, or pivot early to avoid total defeat?
• Emergency Ration Management – Maintain a steady supply of granola bars, trail mix, or other portable nutrients. These items may also be used for bartering purposes.
• Advanced Stealth Techniques – Learn to successfully acquire food without drawing attention from faster, more experienced competitors.
• Moral Calculus: Principles vs. Pizza – Decide what matters more: maintaining your integrity by not cutting in line and accepting a questionable lunch or abandoning your principles in exchange for actual sustenance. Students should be aware that choosing integrity may result in tofu, broccoli, and regret.
• Parental Misinformation Survival – Learn to politely ignore statements such as, “Don’t be silly, you’ll get food. We paid.”
• Collective Responsibility & Cafeteria Cleanup – Learn to appreciate your participation in a revolutionary system where all students are strongly encouraged to
Meet the Teacher: Klaus the Mouse
By Steve Phone ‘43
Klaus the Mouse, well-known and much beloved resident of Grisham Hall, will soon become an even greater part of the St. Anne’s Belfield school community by stepping into the role of humanities teacher. Klaus finished interviews this week and it is no secret the admiration various faculty have for the new hire. In an exclusive with the Belfield Banter, Ms. Robertson confided, “it turns out that all this time the perfect candidate was squeaking right under our noses!” He even sat in on Ms. Bussey’s ninth grade English class, adding his incredibly intelligent remarks surrounding the abuse suffered by “lab rats” and the persecution faced by Victor Frankenstein’s creature. Klaus has a bachelors degree from George Mouse-on University and a masters in teaching from Dart-mouse College.
Students will soon find themselves transitioning from “Klaus” to “Mr. Grisham,” as due to the messy legalities of squatters rights, Klaus has officially been adopted by John Grisham and stands to inherit his vast fortunes. He plans to use these funds to rename Lee-DuVal to “Cheese-DuVal” and to renovate the SAC again, this time adding a giant hamster wheel and turning the upper field into a hedge maze where students can get lost looking for an extra copy of the homework reading.
In addition to teaching American Studies, Mr. Grisham plans to teach a Humanities 12 class called Rodents in Popular Culture where students will examine classical and contemporary depictions of rats and mice in film and literature, reading books like Animal Farm and watching movies like Titanic: The Legend Goes On. He will also serve as an assistant coach for JV Squash.
While Klaus will continue to live in Grisham Hall, he kindly requests that students wishing to meet him for office hours not barge into his home. Please knock twice on the door and ring the little bell on stage left.
take turns staying after lunch to clean the mess that mysteriously appears under the same few students daily.
• Final Exam
• Students will be assessed through a live cafeteria simulation. This includes:
• Navigating unpredictable lines
• Responding to sudden food shortages
• Making ethical decisions under pressure
• Securing an edible and relatively complete meal
Is the SCAS the New West Wing?
By Henry Dozier ‘26
According to a source in senior staffing, in Mod 6, the school will move away from traditional fifth period office hours in favor of “Aaron Sorkin-esque walk and talks.” Drawing from statistics gathered by a third party firm, our teachers are not able to properly relay information to students during traditional fifth period meetings and as a result they will be trying new options. Drawing from show writer Aaron Sorkin, this new pilot program will have teachers from the humanities and science departments cancelling typical office hours during fifth period to instead walk the halls of their respective buildings while exchanging witty one liners in vague terms that are not explained until later on in the discussion. If papers need to be passed out, an unnamed extra will hand the paper off to the teacher who will read it over at a brisk pace before handing it off to the student as a way of punctuating their conversation. To help make this possible, St. Anne’s-Belfield will be pursuing extensions to all our hallways, adding turns to help shift perspective between teachers and students. Additionally inspired by his earlier writings, all necessary meetings during fifth period will be carried out in the same style as the courtroom scene between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. Walk and talk meetings will be limited to only 10 students per each teacher at this time to avoid traffic jams in between the science and humanities classes of the SCAS, but the hope of administration is that with time, students will learn to accommodate this new style of meeting.
Lacrosse Team upgrades to Full Tuxedos
By Olympe de Gouges
In a bold move blending athleticism with black-tie elegance, the St. Anne’s-Belfield School lacrosse team announced this week that players will replace traditional uniforms with full tuxedos, effective immediately. Men’s Lacrosse team Head Coach, Jordan Taylor, describes the change as “a natural step forward for the program” who already sport fashionable jackets, belts, and ties before games. Additionally, it is rumored that all starting players will soon be sporting tailcoats, and all captains will receive embroidered top hats in order to be distinguished amongst the sea of fresh suits.
However one worried parent, after seeing the team practicing in their full-blacks, complained of the risk of heat exhaustion given Virginia’s humid and warm spring season. A member of the athletics board addressed this complaint by carrier pigeon to all families clarifying that the new suits will boost performance until “the only crease you’ll see is on my freshly ironed pants,” a phrase literally monogrammed on the pocket squares of the defense. The board member further stated, “it’s just team bonding.”
The school’s orchestra has also volunteered to now attend games to replace the cheering crowds with classical ballroom music during faceoffs “to maintain ambiance.”
However, some controversy is on the rise as many question the legality of cufflinks as VISAA has yet to make a decision regarding the accessory. Covenant argues that if they allow cufflinks, soon it will be brass knuckles. STAB, of course, denies this claim, saying as “as our name suggests we would never go as low as to inflict blunt trauma injuries on others. Only puncture wounds.”
Overall the reception of the change has been overwhelmingly positive. “We are not just here to be athletes,” one senior said. “We are here building gentlemen who can take a hit and still keep their bowties straight.”
AI to Replace Middle School P.E. Department
By Liam Gundersen ‘28 (via ChatGPT)
In a move administrators are calling “a natural step toward innovation,” St. Anne’s-Belfield School has officially replaced its middle school P.E. teachers with AI-powered fitness robots, citing increased efficiency, precision, and an alarming enthusiasm for mile times.
The new system, known internally as FitFuture™, Version 3.2, uses real-time biometric tracking to monitor student performance during class. According to school officials, the robots are capable of analyzing over 400 data points per student, including sprint speed, endurance, and what one internal document describes as “overall hustle consistency.”
“Physical education has always been about growth,” said one administrator. “Now it’s about measurable, graphable growth with weekly performance reports.”
Students say the transition has significantly changed the tone of class. While traditional P.E. once included occasional free days and loosely enforced effort levels, the new system has eliminated what the robots refer to as “inefficient downtime.” Each class begins with a full-body scan and ends with an automated report emailed to parents.
“It used to be, you could kind of blend in,” said a seventh grader. “Now the robot tells you your exact ranking in the class. Out loud.”
The robots also provide continuous feedback during activities. During a recent mile run, one student reported hearing the phrase, “Pacing below optimal threshold. Adjusting motivation protocol,” followed by the immediate deployment of a hovering drone playing motivational music.
Despite assurances of objectivity, some students claim the system has developed familiar patterns. Team captains, for example, appear to be selected based on a combination of performance metrics and what the robots call “dominant athletic presence,” a category that, according to students, “somehow always means the same people.”
Parents have largely supported the change. Many cite the detailed performance analytics as a major improvement over traditional grading methods. “We used to get comments like ‘good effort,’” one parent said. “Now we get a full breakdown with charts.”
School officials maintain that the program is still in its early stages. However, when asked whether rest days might be reintroduced, one robot responded simply: “Recovery allocated outside scheduled instruction time.”
Mass Hysteria in 11th Grade Classrooms
By Charlotte Perkins Gilman, Class of 1879
On Monday, March 30th, Mr. Jo(h)n Shoup was found passed out on the floor of the American Studies classroom. The cause? Roves of eleventh-grade students creeping under tables, between chairs, and through offices. Artwork and shards of paint were left in mounds on the floor, strips of “Who tells the story matters!” paper torn from the wall and discarded haphazardly about the space. Although no witnesses were present, reporters managed to interview a family member who worked closely with Mr. Jo(h)n and the students. Responses were recorded verbatim.
What shocked your brother to the point of passing out?
Mr. Webster, Mr. Jo(h)n Shoup’s sister: I don’t know why that man would have fainted, students are oft to behave like this.
How would you describe the state of the students at the scene?
Mr. Webster: They were creepin’ and crawlin’ that’s for sure.
What do you believe caused the mass hysteria?
Mr. Webster: I think the act of 100% participation in reading “Song of Myself” permanently altered the students’ brains. Never in my life has there been a case of total participation in any reading or homework assignment, its completion must be to blame. My conclusion: it is only when the students do not complete their assignments that control is held in the classroom.
April Fools!
By Frances Lawson ‘27
Though we tell ourselves as we sip our coffee the morning of each April 1st to expect a beguiling announcement of a catastrophe or two, many people still panic when asked about the cover of Layla, performed in PJs with an out of tune six-string, that they’ve posted on their public Snapchat story (that didn’t happen to me!), or when told their newly submitted, 18 page research paper is missing a thesis statement (again, just an example!).
April Fool’s day is no doubt a curious phenomenon in that its age old notoriousness is rarely enough to prevent minor heart attacks (and occasionally, big ones: see the case of Kim Kardashian after being informed that her diamond earring which she lost in the ocean was not recovered—we will never forget her!) year after year.
However, it turns out certain types of people are less likely to fall for April Fool’s pranks: according to a current Junior’s independent study, there are clear data trends relating how likely someone is to fall for classic jokes on this day and their daily habits. For instance, a graph from 2020 showed that people who prefer their toilet paper to be folded under instead of over (so, bad people) were more likely to believe that they won the lottery than those who prefer the opposite (correct) way. Or, data from last spring displayed that 89% of people who shed at least 2 tears when informed that their favorite celebrity passed away also love Hawaiian pizza.
It’s important to note that these samples were random, and confounding variables were indeed checked for, so we are able to determine a cause and effect relationship in the aforementioned studies.
To recap—fold your toilet paper over top of the roll, and do NOT put pineapples on your pizza. Hopefully these tips, supported with factual evidence, will provide the public with a clearer idea of how to avoid getting pranked on April Fool’s Day.
Texas’ Senate Elect May be a Mongol
By Finley Cottler ‘26
In a surprising turn of events, historically safe state Texas is beginning to swing; swing towards Universal Ruler, Genghis Khan. That’s right, Genghis Khan, champion of the Mongol Empire, is here to restore us to simpler times. Mr. Khan is currently polling first in the state for midterm senate elections. After winning the primary of the Mongol party of the New Mongol Empire by unanimous vote, he has garnered the wholehearted support of Texans: unexpected to say the least.
Khan’s campaigners have been spotted throughout the streets of Houston on horseback, tossing corpses of opposing campaigners on the doorsteps of citizens embossed only with the slogan “The greatest happiness is to vanquish your enemies.” Representing the Mongol party, Khan seeks a more feudalistic approach to modern politics. He has spoken on the subject of elections as a whole: “Elections: bad, trial by combat: good. What are you missing?” Could an emphasis on gladiatorial fist fighting be the key to revitalizing the American government? Supporters say yes as they maraud throughout Texas.
Khan has been very vocal about transportation in particular: “I like your roads. There are almost enough,” but expresses disdain towards automobiles and the price of gasoline. Khan promises a permanent solution. “Horses are the past, horses are the future, and horses are most certainly a present.” Khan has also made plans to replace fossil fuel consuming power plants with horse power, literally.
Khan has also discussed the issue of the border, particularly the US-Mongolian one. He takes an altruistic stance on the matter, with hopes of permitting free passage across the border: “This border you speak of, it does not exist. Soon, the United States of America will fulfill its namesake and be united under Mongolian rule as an extension of the empire, probably as a left foot. There are no borders when we are all Mongols.” Khan directly condemns mass deportation, preferring immigrants to join his calvary.
Will the Universal Ruler prevail in the fight for freedom? I hope so!
The Art of FPP
By Nori Zhang ‘27
Mr. Phillips, our beloved visual arts teacher, though incredibly open with his students, is still a mysterious man. Tune in to the interview below for exclusive details about his life as an artist as well as incredibly valuable advice for students who wish to pursue an artistic career.
Interviewee: Frank P. Phillips (FPP)
Interviewer: Nori Zhang (NZ) Date of Interview: 4/1/26
NZ: Good evening, please state your name and role in the St. Anne’s Belfield Community before we proceed with the interview.
FPP: Mr. Frank Phillips, visual arts teacher.
NZ: And how long have you been working here?
FPP: This is my sixth year here at St. Anne’s-Belfield.
NZ: Alright now that’s settled, I’ll be asking a few questions about your journey as an artist. First, how long have you been creating art?
FPP: I’ve been doing art since before I could stand; just crawling around with paint on my hands and making my mark everywhere, which actually led me to have incredible success along the way. My first artwork was created as a 72 month old called “The Apple Factory.” It won first prize then moved on to New York City where it got critical acclaim and all the major galleries were looking to get a piece of my work.
NZ: That is incredible. It must’ve been difficult dealing with such a large amount of fame so early on in life then.
FPP: Not really. I handled it quite well, actually, it’s what I’ve always wanted.
NZ: Oh! Well, that gets into my next question. What has kept you motivated when creating art even in difficult circumstances?
FPP: Well, it’s about the money, obviously. It is about the fame. It is about cutting the line, as I like to do, in restaurants, and hobnobbing with the elite. I mean I only do the St. Anne’s job because I want to give back to the community, give back to the children, since I have nothing better to do with all of my fame and wealth.
NZ: Would you say that, perhaps, you’re doing our community a favor by lending your skills and expertise?
Breaking News: SCAS Reduced to Rubble by AP Chem Student
By Quinn Humphreys ‘27
Last night, a deafening blast could be heard throughout Charlottesville, waking several babies and leaving many ears ringing. After a dorm student called 911 and authorities arrived at the Saint Anne’s-Belfield campus, they found a pile of dust where the Scott Center for Arts and Sciences once stood. Luckily, nobody was harmed, but the person behind this explosion fled the scene of the crime before they could be arrested, and police are still on the lookout for the culprit. One witness claims the perpetrator was definitely a member of our community, and that they had the despair behind their eyes and the perpetually confused frown that could only belong to an AP Chemistry student.
While the SCAS is being rebuilt, which will likely take at least a decade knowing the construction speed in Charlottesville, all classes that would have taken place in that building will now be moved to the roof of Randolph, accessed through Room 400. We have been assured that this will be enough space for all of our visual and performing arts classes, as well as the relocation of every science lab at our school. While the student behind this is still at large, we will also be having lockdown drills every hour, to protect ourselves from more explosions. If you have any leads as to who could have blown up the SCAS, call the police immediately.
FPP: I think it’s a big favor. Dr. Troy has thanked me for the hours that I give to the school, because every faculty member has to do community service hours, so I’ve logged my hours in the classroom, like the children.
NZ: It’s come to my knowledge that you’re also a squash coach, so how would you say that these two professions/ hobbies of yours overlap?
FPP: There’s no difference. It is the same thing. The squash is art and the art is squash.
NZ: Right…in that case, what advice would you give to a student who might want to pursue art professionally?
FPP: I think it’s highly critical for the serious art students to get your racket up, be ready and hunt for the ball, volley when you can, hit it deep and straight, and recover to the T.
NZ: Wow, okay, I’ve never heard that before. That’s some great advice. Would you say that squash is a prominent source of inspiration for your pieces then?
FPP: Yes, naturally, squash has taken a large space in my artworks. Often I come back in the same way you would facing a lob. The lob comes off the front wall and it moves above your head and you have to attack it at the right height so that you are not stuck in the corner. That’s a metaphor for life. You need to approach things the same way you approach a really difficult lob, to your backhand especially. But because of where the art world is, you need to make sure that you get your racket up, strike it with some authority, hopefully getting it deep so you can recover to the T.
NZ: Anything else you’d like to add that I didn’t touch on before we conclude this interview?
FPP: Solo time and star drills. That will help with your footwork and your art.
NZ: Okay great! Thank you, Mr. Phillips, for the incredible advice, I’m sure that artists and squash players alike will greatly benefit from it.
Senior Excuses For Tardies
“Sorry, I was taking a nap”
iii Tree
“Wait”
M83
“i mean”
Landal
“It Wasn’t Me”
Shaggy, Rik Rok
“There Is a Reason”
The Southeast Kentucky
“TRAFIK!”
Käärijä, Joost
Stab Lunch Line
“Oh Boy!”
Buddy Holly, The Crickets
“Time for Lunch!”
Bubble Guppies Cast
“I Wonder”
Kanye West
“What”
BENEE
“Sage” be steadwell
“Dining”
Haruomi Hosono
“Made For Me”
Muni Long
“Hold Up” Beyoncé
“Wait a Minute!” WILLOW
“There Is No Food” Have A Nice Life
“?????”
BKTHERULA
“EVERYTHING IS GONE.”
MEMODEMO
Banter Staff What Your Favorite High School Book Says About You:
Catcher in the Rye - You feel misunderstood. you are also the most likely to be on an FBI watchlist.
Romeo and Juliet - You think your plans are foolproof and always blame others for your mistakes.
All Quiet on the Western Front - You enjoyed the deep themes of comradeship and detest conflict. you probably take long walks in the woods
Pride and Prejudice - You are a cat person who likes romcoms
The Great Gatsby - You like large parties (because they’re so intimate).
The Scarlet Letter - You enjoy melodrama and being overdramatic, you hate metaphors and like your literary interpretation served on a plate for easy consumption
Station Eleven - You spend a lot of time imagining how you would survive a zombie apocalypse
Field Guide to Getting Lost - You are a liar. this is no one’s favorite book
Editor-in-Chief
Carter Kelly ‘26
Formatting Head
Kate Cheng ‘26
Staff
Maybe it was just the friends we made along the way...
Dear Saints,
Editor’s Note
And that’s a wrap on the Belfield Banter! Huge thanks to everyone who made our second annual edition of Passing Skas possible. If it wasn’t apparent, all of the articles written for this issue are satire, and do not reflect any of our actual views on the people, events, or things mentioned. I hope a little bit of silliness was just what the doctor ordered for our sixth and final mod.
I’d also like to thank the junior editors for stepping up in our last edition. They’ll be running the show next year, and I’m super happy for them to take on this challenging but rewarding process. Good luck to them and all the returning staff. The time will really fly, so my biggest advice is to show up and make the most of it before reaching those days of summer.
Best wishes, Kate Cheng (Editor-in-Chief)