"Us" - St. Andrew's Spring 2024 Literary & Arts Magazine

St. Andrew’s School’s Literary and Arts Magazine

Spring 2024

Scissors of Salvation

I am lying in the bathtub of a bathroom in my apartment

My mother cries on the other side of the door, as she begs me not to cut my hair, because girls don’t look good with hair cut short

Scissors in hand, I open and close them my mom pleads with me to open the door, the barrier. The barrier that divides her from control and me from freedom

I ignore her shallow cries as I grab a strand of hair.

I curl it around my fingers once or twice, my long blue hair, and I snip.

I hear my mom let out a loud cry, as if a stabbing wound was inflicted upon her

She says she’s losing her daughter, she doesn’t care about her son.

She’s not losing a daughter, I am right here. He is right here. Snip snip.

I stood up from the bathtub and dragged my body to the mirror.

Snip snip snip.

My hair fell sliding through my shoulders and onto the floor, and my mom stopped wailing, she is now sobbing.

Snip snip snip snip.

Most of my hair lays on the floor,

My body lingers to continue, but my mind keeps pushing on.

Every chopping of the hair, every scissor intersection, my mom sighs

Eventually I open the door,

She says she lost her daughter, not realizing she gained a son.

She says I killed her, I tell her she’s right.

Loneliness is Addictive

In the spring my sanctuary breathes

Windows like lungs, east and west they fling

Setting a current of air that's fresh and clean, a cleansing tide washing away winter's sheen

Sunbeams, like dancers, pirouettes on panes, piercing the heart of crystals a prism's kiss that scatters light in flight. Rainbows bloom across my room

This season, a treasure, to be held and kept, for spring must yield to summer's blaze, when the air hangs heavy, thick with a golden haze

Days stretch and linger, longer, harder to fill, blank walls mock me, an emptiness to fulfill like a blood-sniffing shark circling the gulf where thoughts should dance but the water remains still

On linen sheets, spread low upon the floor, grounded by the wood, I close my bedroom door the cricket chorus hums a lazy tune while a neighborhood dog serenades the moon

Some call it isolation, a misunderstood art, yet loneliness echoes, a soul's demanding an addictive grip, a silent, gnawing ache, within these walls, where seasons come and break

Lost Before Dawn

[Mother] Two o’clock, feeling the stretch from the right.

I embrace myself, tightly, trying to hold onto you. I lost grip, the shadow grows greater. Yet my worry is more for you.

Afraid for our bond to break before it truly forms.

[Child] Three o’clock. I felt your care surround me.

I apologize for leaving, hoping you understand. I felt your heartbeat, the warmth you gave. The string connecting us snapped in a glimpse. But I remain with you, in the rise and set.

[Mother] Four o’clock, you nurtured my hope.

I apologize for my misdeeds, hoping for your forgiveness. I felt your heartbeat, the warmth you gifted me, The string connecting us snapped, cruelly unforeseen. I will hold you here, through every rise and set.

[Child] Five o’clock. I wished to open my eyes. Smile at the ticking clock as minutes pass by.

I longed to see the world’s beauty.

But my eyes stayed shut, dreams unfulfilled. Yet my presence remains silent but real.

[Mother] Six o’clock, you were my first thought when I woke up.

I longed to see you smile, whispering love. Though I can’t see you, I felt your whispers. A silent symphony of trust and adoration. I, the conductor, yearning for your love.

[Mother] It is time.

I never got to see your face. Amidst the sorrowful intertwine. I carry the eternal bond of nature. The stretch was an unborn echo of our time. You were never really there, yet always with me.

[Child] It is time. We never saw each other’s faces.

A miscarriage took me from you, dreams undone. I could feel your touch, and your movements. In a place where love transcends the seen. Now I am gone, but forever in your heart.

[Mother and Child] As one, we drift through the silence. Two souls entwined in the eternity of love. Though we never saw each other’s faces. Our hearts beat in sync, in a timeless space. Now you are fine, but forever in my heart.

Brother Dearest

You were born January 7th

Head squashed like an almond

You cried and weeped as the nurse took you away and mom wept

Two days later, in my favorite dress I visited you, my younger brother

Opening your eyes like dolls when they sit

My brother is thirteen years old

A gifted kid torn to the bone Grades keep dropping and dropping, and you keep saying that you’re sick

You come home from school crying

as you say “I’m sick I’m sick, let me stay home today please!” But mom doesn’t trust those words and you end up punished

Like a little kid hiding in the closet your “friends” locked you in the food cabinet While they feasted over pizza mom bought for you Taunting you, “Oh don’t eat a slice you’ll get fat.” You’re 13 years old.

And I can’t help but wonder, how can you forgive these people and still invite them to your birthdays, when they don’t invite you to theirs?

How can you listen to mom and dad shout and still know that everything will turn out alright?

You say you miss me when I’m away, but when I’m home you don’t talk

Video game console paused on Mario Bross “I don’t want to play anymore, I'm tired.”

And I see your smile turn into a frown and you hold back tears as you say, “oh ok,”

I cry in my sleep for not playing more with you; for not making it in time for your Bar Mitzvah, for not helping you with your homework when I’m home

For not reading you a bedtime story because we’ve grown old

I am no longer eight and you’re no longer four

You’ve grown almost ten inches more

And now you run much faster than I do and I can’t help but wonder if this will be the last time you ask me to play with you If this will be the last time you ask me to read you a bedtime story

The last time you ask me for help with homework

So every chance I get no matter sick or angry at you

I’ll drop what I’m doing just to be with you

House of Memories (Babaanne is Turkish, referring to paternal grandma)

I came to visit you, babaanne, as if I had forgotten that you had just left for a better place. As I walked through the house, still filled with your presence, memories flooded my mind, and tears began to flow uncontrollably. Everywhere I looked, I saw reminders of you — the kitchen where we used to cook together after school, the meals we shared at this exact table, and the laughter that once filled this room. Now, everything seemed the same, yet so different. The empty chair next to the dining table reminded me of my beloved babaanne who was no longer here and would never come back.

I felt overwhelmed with grief and the sense of loss as I wandered from room to room. A place once filled with vibrant energies is now haunted by your absence, yet filled with so many wonderful memories. I can still smell the scent of spices and hear the sound of our joyful voices in the kitchen. The meals we prepared together were more than just food, they were our language to express our love for eachother babaanne. I could almost see you standing there, guiding me as I knead the dough and cut the vegetables, your patient voice gently correcting my mistakes.

The dining table, a place where we not only enjoyed our meals, but shared our days and dreams and the empty chair next to it showed me a void that could never be filled.

The realization overcame me once again, like a wave of emotions I could have only struggled with. Your death was shocking and sudden, a reality I still cannot accept. The house was once so warm and full of joy, now the only thing left are memories of you, babaanne. The silence defeated me, I break down. In this house of memories, I feel both comfort and sorrow. Therefore, I am comforted by our shared experiences, and sorrowed by the reality of your absence. It feels bittersweet. I miss you babaanne. I endure feelings that words could not explain. However, amidst my grief, I am grateful — grateful for the love you had for me, for the lessons you taught me, and for the countless moments we shared.

I stay still, making a silent promise to myself, for I will always keep your memory alive. I will cook your favorite dishes, tell you stories and make you proud. Though you are not here anymore, you will always be a part of me.

Inmymind,therewillalwaysbeahouseofmemoriesofyouandme.Irememberyou babaanne,andIalwayswill.

hep kendin ol kizim

this is a Turkish phrase that my grandma always tells me “hep kendin ol kizim, meaning “always be yourself, my girl”, it has taught me a lot and deeply impacted my life

in a world that demands conformity, hep kendin ol kizim, embrace your diversity when others try to hold you in their mold, hep kendin ol kizim, let your true self unfold with every step, stay true to your heart, hep kendin ol kizim, play your own part when shadows of uncertainty cloud your sight, hep kendin ol kizim, let your inner shine light through every trial, and every test, hep kendin ol kizim, give it your best when the world tries to tell you who to be, hep kendin ol kizim, stay wild and free in the face of adversity, show your grace, hep kendin ol kizim, embrace your space for embracing who you truly are, hep kendin ol kizim, you’ll travel far

in this journey, stay humble and kind, hep kendin ol kizim, with pureness in mind try to find beauty in every page,

hep kendin ol kizim, let the world be your stage

cherish each moment with gratitude,

hep kendin ol kizim, let thankfulness be your attitude let god’s light lead the way,

hep kendin ol kizim, trust in his guidance everyday so walk with confidence, head held high, hep kendin ol kizim, reach for the sky for being authentically you, my dear, hep kendin ol kizim, there’s nothing to fear

Velibris Impedimenta

As transient as the flitter of melanterite, the brief American winter of just two weeks gives way to spring once more And love, pure as water, lights up my heart, And it forces my spirit into a vers libre that is more authentic and untainted than a typical rhymed blather

Along the dangling white haze, your otherworldly feminine eyes sparkle in the aquamarine clarity of the sky

But only for a fleeting second before vanishing like a thread, forever linking my youthful heart to the spot where the magnificent star just shined

Through the wires, in barely discernible, strained tones, I can make out your laughter and well-articulated to my soul words of love

Of how you love me

And loving you, I just want to capture, like a camera tucked away in the pocket of your spring peacoat, all our infinite creativity, spirit and uniqueness

The cicadas travel to and fro during the summer times when heat comes from explosions and water is scarce

I ride my bike running errands for my mother who is cooking atole waiting for my return

Barra de Potosí offers us beach, lake, and jungle, chickens, horses, cows, and sheep, goats, and pigs, guided by pastor dogs and their farmers

I ride my bike to the market to buy my mother fruit and tortillas my mother, who is now cooking mole and arroz rojo, sings a song waiting for my return

As I travel from one stand to another, my mother, who has now finished cooking the pollo, sits down to knit, waiting for my return.

Moving Day

Whirling winds weave themselves through my hair

The sun peaking out of its shell, hoping to make a big impression

Though it always does

This was my home, but now its not

My legs propel me forward to go down the steep hill

The grass green colors the whole yard and gives it life

Memories of baseball and football flash back in my mind

A long time ago though it seems so recent

I will miss this place as it was the catalyst for my success

With unforgettable memories of bad and good, all cherished the same

Continuing to walk towards the forest I hear a familiar sound

A specific bird call that yells at the sun to rise

A small smile emerges from my mouth

I will miss this place

Noticing a small and angel white flower growing all alone

I bent down to its level and picked it

Rising up I turned back to the home I had once had

I began to run out of the forest, through the grass, up the hill and back inside

Between Two Worlds

The battle in my mind keeps me up at night,

Thoughts swirling around, causing a quiet fight.

I am an exchange student, far from my familiar space.

Two worlds collide, my heart is a hectic case.

My heart longs for moments from the past,

The warmth and love of home, forever to last.

Pictures bring back memories, beautifully clear.

Yet, I must build something new, from nothing here.

I’m learning and growing with each passing day,

In this journey, a new me finds its way.

A part of me in the past and one in the here and now,

Balancing these worlds, I just cherish and say wow.

Part of me resides in memories, sweet and warm,

While the other part here, in this place tries to transform.

I’m happy to be here, yet I miss my home’s grace,

Finding our deeper selves is what we should embrace.

It’s okay to feel lost, it’s all part of the game,

We all fight inner battles, even if not named.

With mindfulness and respect, we can persist,

In the symphony of life, our paths coexist.

In

Every Heart a Spark ignites Stardust runs

Through our veins, Our spirits entwined with Heavenly light. For years we have danced under the sapphire Sky. Though we may be apart, in distance far and Wide. For we are born from a cosmic birth, Infused with light, bound to earth, our Connection spans the cosmos, Spirits side by side. Through This grand design, remember The constellations are carried Within You and I