Q
ueen Elizabeth II of England has died a slow, gruesome, lonely and painful death. Despite racing to her side, none of her family were able to make it to see her in Balimmoral Castle before her passing. Fortunately, Prince Charles (soon to be crowned King Charles LXIX) got the opportunity to catch up with her after the event, in the body identification section of the morgue, where he said she smelt even better in death than in life. Upon hearing of the Queen’s rapid descent into a life-threatening state, Honi reached out via telephone to get one last interview in before she heads downstairs. In a show of compassion, Liz had warmed to student press in her old age, responding to our questions with warmth. “Oh, which cousin was the best root? I mean, I come from a gene pool of the best you’ve ever had. But I also come from a loyal gene pool, so I’ll have to say Phillip, definitely,” she said with a blush. “Filthy fascist boys always know how to do it.” She said she was in fact looking forward to death, because she would finally be reunited with Phillip, who had still been waiting for her in the garage freezer. The will of the former Queen has specified that her iconic wardrobe will go to Meghan Markle, her beloved colonies will be passed on to Charles, her corgis are to be immediately euthanised.
LEAKED: Charles identifies body in morgue... “Yep, that’s her!” “I do feel bad for the corgis,” she added. “I don’t like going anywhere without them, so they’ll definitely be coming along.” In keeping with their daddy Philip’s hobbies, they are set to be executed via firing squad. Survivors will reportedly have their necks snapped. Woof! It has been revealed that true to her down-to-earth nature, Queen Elizabeth II was not exempt
from the natural function of the human body when preparing itself for death and she did let a fat turd absolutely drop. According to doctors at the scene, her steady six gins a day diet classified it as a “grog bog”. Right here at USyd, one anonymous student wrote to Honi saying “maybe she’s just like the rest of us at this point in the sem... root deprived and in need of a big,
long sleep.” Students are already donning all-black funeral attire to campus, with some so committed to mourning that they’ve skipped their classes entirely. Support can be found in Ben Hines’ shoulder, Sydney Uni Law Society Office, Room 103, New Law School Building (F10), Eastern Avenue, University of Sydney, NSW 2006 Australia.
PUBS AND BOTTLE SHOPS TO CLOSE ON SEPT 22 DAY OF MOURNING BALMORAL ESTATE SALE RAFFLE, TICKETS PAGE 29 DIANA WAS A DYKE: QUEEN’S DIARY EXPOSED QUEEN’S AUTOPSY REVEALS WICKED BONG HABIT