DAM N Day 12 without the beach: lost hearing in my left eye
My doctor said I need to watch my drinking. Now I stand in front of the mirror.
I woke up sexy again I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings.
CATALOG 2026 Sorry I’m late: My kids were
walking from the
I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
house to the car.
96 is the new 69. Due to inflation, the cost of eating out has gone up
“I’d like a Diet Coke please.” “Is Diet Pepsi okay?” “Is Monopoly money okay?”
In every relationship there is one person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect, and one who stacks it like a raccoon on crystal meth.
I’m A Better Person When I’m Tan
I wish I had more middle fingers
My husband asked if he had any annoying habits and then got all offended 1/2 way through my PowerPoint presentation
Boss: you have been late 4 times this week. You know what that means? Me: must be Thursday
If I am ever on life support, I want to be unplugged, but not until I get down to a size 8
Hacker: I have all your passwords Me: OMG thank you, what are they?
Them “You need to listen to your body more.” Body “You’re old and you want pizza.”
I’m planning on having my favorite drink this weekend. It’s called a lot.
I need a six month vacation, two times a year
SCENE At my boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin:
“Who’s thinking outside the box now, Carol?”
Teacher: “Name a book that made you cry.” Me: Algebra
Gone to the beach. Be back never.
SORRY. CAN’T. BEACH. BYE.