Exhale… Inhale… Exhale…Theloudsoundofmyheavybreathfogsthewindowbeforeme. “O2 8KL, 34 Loomlush Street,OakentaleCity-HealthCenter,”itsays.Itakeonelastbreath and make my way inside. Ting-a-ling. The bell above the door greets me as it informs everybody inside of my arrival. Might as well scream it out loud: ALL HAIL LATIFA ROSE! SHE IS DEEMED INSANE BY HER MOTHER, SO PLEASE HELP IN RESTORING HER SANITY. A woman, whom I assume to be a nurse, approaches me in a hurry It is as if she had been waiting for me for a while. “Latifa Rose? Please come with me.” She didn’twaitformyreply,soIfollowher.Westopinfrontofawoodendoor,andshe gesturesformetoenter
The room is painted dark green, with an incredible couch that matches it. Plants of many kinds decorate the windows' sills as the sun's rays warm the room. A large wooden cabinet stands in the corner, home to trophies, books, candles, and numerous antiques. I scan the space in awe, never would I have thought a room in this dreadful place could be so homey AsItakeonemorestepinside,Iseeanoldlady,shecouldverymuchbemygrandma.Well,I am exaggerating, but she is old. The lady gives measmileandmotionstothecouch.Iguess that is where I should sit. In front of her is a gold stainless plate that says ‘Dr. Audra Lynd Psy.D.-Psychologist.’Isupposethat’shername.
“Latifaisit?”
“Mmhm”
“HowareyouLatifa?”
“Latifa?”
“Yeah…umm,good.”
“DoyouknowwhyyouarehereLatifa?”
This is all too overwhelming. My ears are ringing, my heart is pounding, and I can’t hear a single word this Audra lady is saying. I do not even know why I’m here, I am perfectly healthy, you know.“Latifa? Latifa? Latifa?” why does she keep calling my name. Stop it. Stop. “STOPPP!!!”- everything halted. Notasinglesoundofringing,pounding,ormyname.
“Are youwellmydear?”Ijustsmile.“Canwecontinue?”“Ofcourse."IwouldsaythatIam entirely calm at this moment, but that would be a lie. I know my mom wanted me to come here,sofine.Today,I’llcomply.
“CanyoutellmeaboutAmina?”
Izoneoutforasecond.
“Yeah,ofcourse,Dr Audra.Mmmshe’smybestfriend.”
“Well,howlonghaveyouknownher?”
I take a deep breath, this will be a long story.Afterall,AminaandIhavebeenfriendssince birth (basically). “Okay, Amina is mybestfriend.Ireallydon’tknowwhyshehasstuckwith me untilnow,butwhoamItocomplain?It’snotlikeIhaveanyotherfriends.Ourmomsmet at uni, and they have been inseparable ever since. So, when they were pregnant at the same time. God knows how that worked. They decided to raise both of us together. So I grew up having two moms, a dad (Amina’s), and a sister/ best friend. My dad… well that’s another story. To be honest, it’s a pretty great arrangement. We don’t live together though, not anymore. Acoupleofyearsagoourmomshadabigargumentanddecideditwouldbebestif we all had our own space. So they moved. Right across the hall. The apartment buildingwe liveiniskindasmall-”
KRRIINGGGG!!! The phone beside Dr. Audra startled me. She quickly picked it up and slamsitbacktotheholder.“Sorryaboutthat,pleasecontinue.”
“Jesus, that scared me. Anyways, Amina and me were always together. Went to the same daycare and the same school all the way from year 1 to bloody year 12. But she’s my best
friend, so it was a dream! And me, being a quiet, introverted loser, I didn’tmindherpulling me along in her ‘adventures’. Nah,adventureisafartooelegantwordforit.Itwasmorelike events where she tested the patients of every single teacher in Mount Oakles School. I rememberinyear7,shetoldmethatclassesweregonnabecancelledonMonday Thereisno way it was true cause Mount Oakles never, and I mean NEVER, cancels their class for anything. Not even a snowstorm. But there it was, on Monday morning, a mass email was sent to all thestudentsandparentssayingthattherewasnoschoolforthedayandattachedto it was a file full of proof that the principal was underpaying all the staff. That’s the thing about Amina; she gets into mischief, but there is always a reason. They’re not always good reasons, but still. A reason. She got into a lot of trouble for that one, but the principal was actually investigated, and everything was true. he waseventuallyreplaced.Iknow…sheisa lot.IgottasayIgetwhyeveryonewantstobeherfriend.”
“Wow Latifa, your friend is… interesting. I can see she brings out your energetic side. How doesthatmakeyoufeel?Haveyoueverfeltpressured,orhaveyoueverenviedher?”
I can feel she asked that super carefully, but her question still angered me a little bit. How dare she imply that Amina has ever harmed me in any way? And I envy her??? I love her “What do you mean? Amina has only ever helped me ineverypossibleway.Ifitweren’tfor her, I would have zero friends. I would be getting through lifeasmiserableanddepressedas possible. She basically saved me. Plus, without her, I’d have a totally boring life, Amina makes everything more exciting. One time, it was thesummerholiday,Istayedinsidecurled up reading and watching movies for like two months. I’ve always preferred the winter, so during summer I just hibernate all day everyday. Amina got sick of me, so she dragged me outside andsaidtofollowhernoquestionsasked.Shesaidtome“Promisemeifyoulikethis surprise, you will do whatever I say the rest of the summer Deal?” We rode the train for 2 hours, which I din’tmindcauseIcanjustread.Whenwearrivedshetookmetothisamazing vintage bookstore full of secondhandbooks.Butthatwasn’tthesurprise,myfavoriteauthor, Jacqluine Baileywasthere?!SheisfromFrance,andjusthappenedtobethere???Istilldon’t know how Amina figured it out, but that was the best summer I’ve ever had. I even made friends in that bookstore, people with dreams similar to mine. I owed that day to her, so I spent the rest of the holiday following Amina around, and surprisingly it wasn’t the worst. Some days I’d meet my new friends from the bookstore in cafes and we would write, read, and talkaboutmovies.You’reprobablywonderingwherethesefriendsarerightnow?Well…
I don’t see them anymore... You see, out of allthepeopleI’veevercalled‘friend’inmylife, only Amina stuck with me. In the 17 years that we’ve known each other, she has never left. Until-”
Suddenly rain thunders outside. Drops of water slamming the window ever so loud. I forgot what I was talking about,I’dratherlookattherainoutside.I’mquitefondofityousee.Rain gives me a great deal amount of comfort. The water, the sound,thethunder,ithugsmewell.
With themIamcalm.IsupposeDr.AudrarealisesI’vestoppedtoenjoytheweather,because sheinterruptedmywanderingmindtoaskmeevenmorequestions.
“Latifa..Areyouokay?Therainisniceisn’tit?”
I nod slightly I am pretty weary I feel like I’ve been hereforhours,wheninfactithasonly been 28 minutes. The ticking sound of the clock abovethedoorhauntsmeinecho.Iwantto leave.
“Let’scontinue,shallwe?Latifa,whereisAmina?”Sheasksme.
A simple question really. With a pretty simple answer if I wanted it to be. But Amina is anything but simple. “She’s…everywhere. Just before year 12 was about to end she told her that she was leaving. She was accepted into an art school in New York, some fancy university. She didn’t tell me, at all. I was angry at her, I was furious. I had never yelled at Amina in my whole life, but thatnight…Ifeelguiltyjustthinkingaboutit.Iscreamedather and cried my eyes out. I told her I was disappointed, and embarrassedthatshedidn’tseeme as someone to trust. Truthfully, I was happy for her She had loved art since we were kids, and this was her dream school. I was blinded bythefactthatIhadtogothroughyear13and university all by myself. It’ll be the first time without her. Making friends on my own, and maintaining people all by myself. Can I do it? I was scared. I remember we cried the whole nightwhilsthuggingeachotherscaredtoletgo.
“We spent her last days doing all kinds of things. It was two weeks of pure bliss and adventure. Who knows when we’ll be able to see each other again. New York? There is no way in hell I’d be visiting so soon. Let’s see, we took a train to a beautiful park in London, we planned a picnic, wrote letters for each other to read when Amina leaves, and we talked
the most. We reminisced about the past and plannedourfuture.Wemadeinvisibleschedules ofemptyhopeforwhenIwouldvisitNewYork.Andallwaswell.
“The day of Amina’s departure came rushing like an oncoming train. I went to the airport with her, luggingsomeofhersuitcasessincethereweretoomany.Herparentssatonthecold metal airport chairs as me and Amina stood in line to check her into the flight. ‘I’m scared, what if I don’t fit in?’ that question was the first sign of fear she showed me. I thought she was perfectly confident in her situation, but everybody has fears. I wasmorescaredthanher in thatmoment.Shewasleavingmealone.ButIsetthatasideandheldher Iremindedherof who she was ‘Amina, you are the most extraordinary person I have ever met. You defy the status quo, you laugh the loudest in any room, andyourcontagioussmilebrightensanyone’s day that looks at it. You will be fine. People will not only love, but they will adore you, Amina. If, in the end, you need solitude, I will always be a phone call away.’ It seems my small speech moved her to tears, she hugged me ever so tight. At that moment, I knew I wouldneverloseher.Nomatterhowfarshegoes,she’llalwaysmakeherwayback.
“Not long after, they called her plane. I stayed with her mom and dad, and we watched her go. She looked back a few times, but in the end, we were left with the image of her backas shewalkedawayfromOakentaleandontoNewYork.OfftoexperienceanewlifeIcanonly dreamof.”
It seems Dr Audra needs a second to understand everything I just said because it took her a while to say anything after I stopped talking. I needed the time too, I almost started crying. Shejotssomethingdowninalittlenotebookandlooksbackatme.
“Doyoutwostilltalkthen?”
“Yeah of course. If we’re not texting, we’re calling, if not, we’re definitely always sending funny videos to each other on Instagram.” Amina loves it so. I wipe the little tear almost leavingmyeyes.
“Whatelsehaveyoutwodonetomanagethroughthisgreatdistance?”
Hmm, good question. “Actually, a lot. In her first three weeks, we nevermissedanightcall. Every single night without fail for three weeks. We’d talk about things likewhatshehadfor breakfast, classes she attended, and friends she’d make. Amina told me about one of her friends who reminded her of me. Her name’s Edra if I'm not mistaken, and apparently, she loves all the same books I do. CRAZY! Amina said she would introduce me if we ever crossed paths. Oh oh and um also, one of her professors knows Jacqluine Bailey personally, and I made Amina PROMISE ME to send heroneofmywritingsifsheeverhadthechance.
OH, I WISH I COULD GO TO NEW YORK!!! You know, hearing about her adventures makesmefeellikeIwastheretoo.Sheinvolvesmeinallofthem.
Amina knew I loved writing letters, and this was the first time we ever lived in different cities. So, last month,sheproposedtheideaofnottextingorcallingforamonth,sowecould write letters instead. Of course, it lasted us a total oftwolettersuntilwegaveup.But,itwas fun while it lasted. I’d write a short letter, cause nothing interesting ever happensinmylife. While Amina wrote a five page letter with an official wax stamp and all that. Her letterwas filled with nothing but good experiences. All of them without me. I admit, I was a little jealous of every new friend she’d made. They get to spend every day withher.WhileIhave towaitforanother…Idon’tknowhowlongIhavetowaituntilImeetheragain.”
Iamtiredoftalking,butIknowDr.Audrawantstohearmore.“Canwetakealittlebreak?”I ask her “Sure darling, let’s have some tea.” I watch her pourhotteafromthemostbeautiful ceramicteapotintotwomatchingcups.Shehandedmeoneandputacubeofsugarinside.As I sip thetea,Ican’thelpbutthinkaboutAminaandallthestoriesIjusttold.It’sreallybeena while since I talked to anyone about her. My mom is not the best conversationalist, and I don’t have any friends. The only place I evertalkaboutAminaismyjournal,andwell-right now The thing is, Dr Audradoesn’tknowAminaorme.Shedoesn’tknowwhoweare.SoI go on andonandonabouteverythingAminaandIhaveeverexperienced,anditisallnewto her Seeing her expressions of my stories makes me missAminamore.I’lldefinitelycallher after this, we haven’t called at all this week. Now that we’re taking a little break come to think of it, I never even deducted why I’m here. In this office with Dr Audra. Why am I here?
“Umdoctor…mayIask.WhyamIhere?”
“WellLatifa,Ijustwanttohearyourstories.”
“OfAmina?”
“Ofeverything!ButyourstoriesaboutAminaareagoodstart”
“Andthenwhat?OnceI’malldonewithmystories…”
“We will get to thatlaterOkay?LatifaIamheretohelpyou.Evenifyoufeellikeyoudonot needmyhelp,thereisnothingwrongingivingitachance,right?
In all honesty, her answer is too vague for me to accept. If IstillhadtheenergyIdidwhenI just arrived, I would totally grill her about it. But frankly, I know that my mom will never shut up if I never give Dr Audra a chance. She thinks I have brain problems? I don’t really get it, like ImentionedIcan’treallytalktoher.EverytimeImentionanything,shedismisses it, especially if mention Amina. It’s really confusing actually, cause they wereprettyclose.I mean, Amina talked to my mom a lot about things she can't say to hers. So when they just avoided each other after Amina left? Ineverfiguredoutwhy Anyway,mymomaskedmeto behere,andIreallywanttobeonhergoodside.SoI’llgoalongwithit.
“Areyoureadytocontinuewithyourstory?”
“Iguess…whatshouldItalkabout?Idon’tknowwhatelsetosay.”
“Um, maybe you can tell me… Have you ever planned to visit New York? With yourmom, maybe?”
“Well…hmm…notreally?”
“Whyisthat?”
“First, my mom never ever talked about Amina, not tomeatleast,andIdon’twanttostarta fight. Second, I know going to New York is expensive and don’treallyknowifwehavethat
kind of money. Third, for now… I’m okay with talking with Amina through text or call. I missher,butIcanstillhandleit.”
“I see… What if we imagine you’re goingtoNewYorktomorrow?Tellmeabouteverything youwanttodo.Startwiththingsyou’llpack!Thatsoundsfun,right?” Istopforawhile.Dr.Audraletmethink.
“Okay… I guess I would packlotsofcardigans,Aminasaysit’snotthatcoldtherebutpretty windy so cardigans will do insteadofjackets.I’dbringsparesocksandoh,ourmatchingone too. She left hers so I’ll bring it for her Hmm what else. I’ll obviously bringalotofclothes andpants,dependingonhowlongI’mstaying.Umm…-”
“Is there anything else, other thanclothes?Howwouldyoufeelknowingtomorrowyou’llbe meetingAminaagain”Dr.Audrainterruptedmyramblingaboutclothes.IguessIdon’tknow whatelseIwouldbring,I’dbetooexcited.
“Books. The wait in the airport willbelong,andtheplanerideiseighthours,soit’dbegood to have something to read. But I guess the plane has movies, so if I don’t want toreadIcan just watch. Ibettheyhavegoodmovies,I’llstillbringmybooksincasetheydon'thavegood options. It’s good to have options. I’m rambling, sorry How would I feel? I’d be SUPER EXCITED DUUHH and super nervous at the same time. I mean first of all, I’d be traveling by myself most likely, and it’s been a while since we met and talked in person… It’s been almostayear.Idon’tknowwhybutI’llbealittlebitscared.
“I imagine riding the train to the airport, strolling my medium-sized luggage through the stairs and to my seat. I’d have my earphones on,I’dbetheverypictureofamoviescene.Of course I’ll romantacize the heck out of this, it’s the perfect chance! Picture me entering the Airport by myself, only me, a backpack, and a suitcase. I’ll have my passport at hand standing in line to get the ticket that would take me to Amina.Walkingtowardsthegateand sitting down waiting for my plane to be called. ‘Plane AT321 heading to New York’ That’s whatthesoundladywillsaytocalleveryoneboardingthesameplane.
“Cometothinkofit,thelasttimeIwasinthatairportwaswhenAminaleft.Oh,Imissher.”
Istoptalking.
“Areyouokay,Latifa?”
“Um.. yeah” I tried to put on a smile, but for some reason,I’drathercry Thinkingaboutthe airport gets me in a weird mood now. I feel like bursting into tears.IknowDr.Audrawould writesomethinginherlittlenotebookifIdid,soIkeptitin.
I continue talkingtostopthetearsfromstreamingdown.“Amina,beforeshelefttoboardher plane she whispered in my ear in the midst of our hug, ‘I’ll never truly leave you, Latifa Rose… I love you the most. I promise you’ll be fine.’ Will I be fine? It’s been a year…” I can’tstopthetearsnow Ohno,it’scoming.Ican’tstopitnow Tearsrandownmycheeklike waves of angry sea. It’s getting hard to breathe, I feel like drowning. With my fast breaths stumblinguponloudcoughsIfeellikeI'mdying.Amina,Imissyou.
“Latifa? Latifa?” I can feel Dr. Audra sitting beside me trying to calm me down. “Breathe.. Come on breathe with me” She placed her palm on my chest. “Follow me, inhale… one… two… three. Keep that breath for a while. Let’s slowly exhale” We did it four more times. I trytogetafewwordsoutinthespacebetweenmysniffles.
“Doctor…Amina…She…She”Igetcaughtinmytears.
“It’sokay,sayitslowly”Shekeptherarmsaroundme.
“The plane… New York…” Itakeahugebreathandstringmywordsclearly “Theplanethat was supposed to take her to NewYork…itcrashedbeforetheycouldmakeit…She’s-sheis gone-” Tears came back to engulf me, I wail in pain as the truth of the situationhitmeonce more. I’ve never said that out loud. Now, it feels real. Amina is gone. My best friend. I crumble in the embrace of Dr Audra. Her soft hands wiped my tears one by one. Slowly, I sink into the green couch in her beautifuloffice.Isinkintomythoughtsofalifewithouther. I haven’t seen her in a year. The thought sunk into my heart. It aches so much. I let everything swallow me. The couch, my thoughts, the pain, my tears, the world, please take meaway.Bringmetoher.
Then, I am in an empty space. Nothing around me, an abyss. All I can do is float. I let the water of thoughts wash over my face, in and out, in and out. I am not calm, I am not accepting, I’m not angry or depressed. My Amina is gone, and there’s nothing I can do. I suppose I cancreatememories,quasi-realities,abogusremedy.Justmemoriesthatwillnever belived.