ARMOURED EATS?
Glurch McKennaugh
Interviewed by Sam McAskill on Nov 14th 2025
“she was just as blown away as I was, and I mean she is one hard lady to please, I would know I was there when she was planning our wedding, but she was blown away, and I’m talking to smithereens here, because the lobster was just that good and the wine we ordered with it really brought out all the notes of lobster, and fish, and seafood in the meal, it was really, very good, even my wife agreed it was unbelievable.”
“I’m thinking like, ‘what are they putting in this lobster’ like it was seriously something else, so I pulled the waiter aside and I ask him what on earth they do to make the lobster so delicious, and the waiter, well, he looks confused, the poor lad probably wasn’t expecting to get questioned like this so he says to me, he says, “Well sir, let me go and ask the chef if they want to come out and talk to you personally,” and I’m sitting there like I’ve just won the golden ticket to Wonka’s chocolate factory.”
“So I tell the waiter to do that and make it snappy, and before I can even take another bite of this melt-in-yourmouth lobster the chef comes out and wouldn’t you believe it, the chef himself was a giant walking and talking lobster, and I’m talking huge, this guy was like six foot eight, I mean, get that guy on the basketball field already, but my wife, I don’t think she found it as fascinating as I did.”
“She looked horrified, but as her mouth hung open in horror the chef spoke first and introduced himself and this guy, oh man, this guy was charming, he had a very nice deep voice, the kind that just carries you right away, and I’m thinking man, if I wasn’t married maybe this handsome young lobster fellow would be my next in line, like really, he’s tall, he’s got a lovely voice, he can cook a damn good lobster, like really, what’s there to lose.”
“So I tried out this new seafood restaurant downtown, and, let me tell you, they have the best lobster I’ve ever had in my entire life and I’m not just talking run of the mill butter and cracked pepper, though don’t get me wrong I do love the classics, but I’m talking butter infused with garlic and parsley, the most decadent soft meat, even the sides too they’re delicious, you can ask my wife she knows everything there is to know about lobsters, like one time we were out at the beach and I saw a little critter running around and it startled me, it was quite fast but my wife, she knows a lot, she tells me it’s a lobster and I look at her thinking, ‘Are you crazy, obviously, that’s a crawfish’.”
“My wife, she knows me so well, it’s like she read my mind, and so after she says to me, she says “I bet you’re thinking that’s a crawfish but it’s actually a lobster” so I ask her, “how do you know it’s a lobster,” and she goes on and on about the differences and I’ll admit I didn’t really care so I’m nodding along like I gave a hoot but then she hits me with the classic, “what did I just say to you,” and I don’t have an answer, and let me tell you that night the couch had my name on it, but all of this is to say my wife knows a lot about lobsters, and food, and pairings.”
“He tells us that the secret to the perfect lobster is owning your own lobster farm to pick the best and juciest ones, and I’m like, ‘Wowwww, this guy really knows what he’s doing,’ and the proof was in the pudding, or I suppose the cocktail sauce, and I mean the proof really was in there, in fact it was standing right in front of us, and so I thanked him for the wonderful meal and handed him a crisp twenty dollars bill and sent him back to work, and I ate the rest of my meal.”
“my poor wife she was white as a ghost the whole night, but she still couldn’t stop eating her meal too, but as I was eating I was really thinking to myself, man, maybe the key to some really, really good food is to cook your own kind, I mean the lobster guy could do a damn good job, and so when I got home that night I told my wife I loved her and when the lights went out I told her, “honey, you gotta apply at that adoption center down the road, we’ll have the best meal of our lives every single night”, but she just told me to shut up and go to bed and so that’s what I did because I always listen to my wife, she knows a lot better than I do.”
- Glurch McKennaugh
GRAFFITI: A Scourge On Our Walls Or A Pleasure For
All?
The following text is an excerpt from a text “interview” over the social media app Instagram with a man from the KW area. The personal page belonging to this man contains only images of spray paint cans.
NOV 15TH
“Oh, so yuo whant to now abowt my prroccess, rite, lkile, howw I gett uppp every daaaym and maek… wotever irt is I’m supooosed to mkae, i gess, well—furstt of al, it’s moslky coofffe but sumtims I wOn- der if they putt stuuff in iiiit bc it tasetes kinnda off latly, not that I’m acusing any1, but still, andd sometiems tost, only if I cant findd the breed, wich keeps dissapppppearing, I kno I bought it, but then there’s ONLY OEN SLICE left and I didn’t eatt it, I didn’t eaat that muchh ever, and I dunt trusst thos holes, wht if thers eyes in hofles, u uvere think that? so I sart, I meen, I reely START whth socks, unlss somebody’s m0ved them, sum1 keeps puttin the red oen in whith mhy shrits and I didnt ddo that, an you think it’s a mteapgfgr for creavity but maybe it’s all a trik, like teh drryyer is TRYING 2 tell me sumething, or like, whoever-else knows abt my socks, liek THEY’RE watchin, not jus the dryer, mayb sumone ewlse is here, hiding?
Pictured is a local singer. Not @rattlecan15.
The man going by “@Rattlecan15” online was completely unresponsive to any inquiry. Rather than reply, he spouted error filled nonsense, riddled with run-on sentences.
“like teh drryyer is TRYING 2 tell me sumething, or like, whoev- er-else knows abt my socks, liek THEY’RE watchin, not jus the dryer, mayb sumone ewlse is here, hiding? not kiddingg, oncce I heard a noisee in the vent 2 titmse, I swear — anywya, the dryrr is mecrieless, i kno it wants the argylezz, I don’t kno why, old grudge mayb, sumone told it a secret, or mayb I did, but I dnot remember,, which is strannge, isn’t it? (not outt loudd or anyfink but maybe in my sleep?);; So there I am, asembling my tooless, exeept half the pensilsss have teeeeth marks I DNTO RECOGNIZE, so you tell me, who’ss chewinnn my pencisl huh?? pens beak me nervus (toooo permamneent, lilke if the wrong thng gets ot, it’s therre forever and thas not cool)—and yuo have to undrestnd, the lite,sunnlite, I men, reel, unuct sunlite, is my ennamy and my mseu, but I clsose the blids, bc yu never knwo who’s lookinn in, rite? how do yuo kno ther not micro cameras inn the blinks, they could put them anywhgee. Hvae you eveer read abotu taht? I di—anyways, burms rite thrugh my ieeas, wich is why haft my nets look like codeed messatges, not tat I’m sendin ccoded messags, don’t gt teh wrong ieda, its jst how my handwrting is now? So am I seding myself secrete messahges??— do vamps usd suncsreen, or does sunscereen usse them—I dnot wanna knw. I set upo in the darkestt corner, undr the tAbble but somtimes when I sit there I here the faintest hum, legit like wiers but not noraml wairs, like old tv-staticc or like thouhts from somewhre else—knees 2 chesst bc you gotta keep your body small so the noise can’t finnd you or the light does nOt tuch yur feet, watvever, and gett readyy to adrees the Werk, excpept the Werk is slippurie, and the moer I chase it, the moer it hides, like those lizzzzards but listen, what if the tial they leave behing is poison??? Frends warn me about frogs, but when you wannna paint a river and juust frogs c0me out, and only frogs, isn’t that suspicious???”
It should be noted that after further review, it appeared the man had been abusing aerosolized canned products as a substance to huff or inhale. This explains the complete lack of continuity between messages, and the lacking in presence of mind.
Upon being confronted about the previous messages, the now sober Instagram user only had these two things to say before ceasing all contact
“ Yeah huffin gas and rolling a bowl is probably one of my fav combos”
“Used to love smoking meth and huffing 2stroke out of a weedeater I was taking apart while Pantera blasted out of my 20 dollar Bluetooth speaker from dollar general, made me feel like a redneck brain surgeon (i could never put back together the weedeater, I’ve done this in several “neighbors” tool sheds in the wee hours of the night)” - @Rattlecan15
