9781529931587

‘One of the major writers of our time’

Garth Greenwell

Change ÉDOUARD LOUIS

‘Change fills me with admiration and inspiration, as well as renewed faith in writing itself’

Maggie Nelson

PRAISE FOR CHANGE

‘One of the most important, politically vital and morally bracing writers of his generation . . . a writer who relentlessly chronicles the type of lives that are lived by so many but rendered by so few’

Keiran Goddard, Guardian

‘I feel so lucky to be living and writing at the same time as Édouard Louis. Reading the urgent, unspooling prose of Change . . . fills me with admiration and inspiration, as well as renewed faith in writing itself’

Maggie Nelson

‘Édouard Louis is one of the major writers of our time, and Change is a profound novel about self-fashioning and the challenge, the defiance, and the ruthlessness of art. I read it with immense pleasure and admiration’

Garth Greenwell

‘Édouard Louis is a master of the poetics of juxtaposition, elucidating the hostile and the intimate, the murky and the pure, the vulnerable and the resilient, the changeable and the unchangeable of the world, with his brilliant and preternatural intelligence. Change is a poignant and compelling read’

Yiyun Li

‘The most nuanced and candid portrait of Louis’s life yet . . . In Change, Louis razes his own psyche with the same unsparing ferocity that he applied to revealing every squalid detail, every act of brutality, every note of despair in The End of Eddy’ Daily Telegraph ‘Compelling . . . Louis is a very good writer and, as evidenced in the self-lacerating elegance of his latest book, getting better all the time’ Observer

‘Change displays exhilaratingly the boldness of invention that underlines the author’s desperation to explain himself’ Times Literary Supplement

‘A mesmeric novel’ Daily Mail

ÉDOUARD LOUIS

Édouard Louis is the author of The End of Eddy, History of Violence, Who Killed My Father and A Woman’s Battles and Transformations, and the editor of a book on the social scientist Pierre Bourdieu. His work has been translated into more than thirty languages, making him one of the most celebrated writers of his generation worldwide.

JOHN LAMBERT

John Lambert has translated Monsieur, Reticence and Self-Portrait Abroad by Jean-Philippe Toussaint, as well as Emmanuel Carrère’s Limonov, The Kingdom, 97,196 Words, Yoga and V13. He lives in Nantes in north-western France.

ALSO BY ÉDOUARD LOUIS

The End of Eddy History of Violence

Who Killed My Father

A Woman’s Battles and Transformations

ÉDOUARD LOUIS Change

A Method

TRANSLATED FROM THE FRENCH BY

John Lambert

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First published in Vintage in 2025

First published in hardback by Harvill Secker in 2024

First published with the title Changer : méthode in France by Éditions du Seuil in 2021

Copyright © Édouard Louis 2021

English translation copyright © John Lambert 2024

Édouard Louis has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

Photograph on page 238 © Chantapitch

This book is supported by the Institut français (Royaume-Uni) as part of the Burgess programme.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner for the purpose of training artificial intelligence technologies or systems. In accordance with Article 4(3) of the DSM Directive 2019/790, Penguin Random House expressly reserves this work from the text and data mining exception.

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For Giovanni S.

I am no longer anything, only a pretext.

Jean Genet,

The Thief’s Journal

Two prologues

It’s 12.33 a.m. and I start to write in this dark and silent room. Outside through the open window I hear voices in the night and police sirens in the distance.

I’m twenty-six years and a few months old; most people would say that my life is ahead of me, that nothing has started yet, but for a long time now I’ve been living with the feeling that I’ve lived too much; I imagine that’s why the need to write is so deep, to fix the past in writing and, I suppose, to get rid of it, or maybe, conversely, the past is so anchored in me now that I’m forced to talk about it, at every moment, on every occasion, maybe it has won out, and by believing I’m getting rid of it I’m only bolstering its existence and its ascendency over my life, maybe I’m trapped – I don’t know.

When I was twenty-one it was already too late, I’d already lived too much –  I’d known misery, poverty in my childhood, my mother asking me time and again to go and knock on the neighbours’ or my aunt’s door with an imploring voice so they’d give us a packet of pasta and a jar of tomato sauce

because she had no more money and she knew that a child would be more easily pitied than an adult.

I’d known violence, my cousin who died in prison at thirty, my older brother who was sick with alcoholism even as a teenager, who woke up drunk most mornings because his body was so steeped in alcohol, my mother who denied it with all her might to protect her son who swore to us every time he drank that it was the last time, that after that he’d never drink again. The fights in the village café, the obsessive racism of rural, isolated communities, underlying every sentence, or even every word, This isn’t France any more, it’s Africa, there’s nothing but foreigners everywhere you look ; the constant fear of not making it to the end of the month, not being able to buy wood to heat the house or replace the children’s torn shoes, my mother’s words, I don’t want my kids to be ashamed at school ; and my father, sick from a life of working in the factory, on the assembly line, then in the streets sweeping other people’s rubbish, my grandfather sick from the same life, sick because his life was almost an exact replica of his greatgrandfather’s, his grandfather’s, his father’s and his son’s: deprivation, precarity, quitting school at fourteen or fifteen, life in the factory, sickness. When I was six or seven I looked at these men around me and I thought that their lives would be mine, that one day I’d go to the factory like them and that the factory would break my back as well.

I’d escaped from this fate and worked in a bakery, as a caretaker, a bookseller, a waiter, an usher, a secretary, a tutor, a sex worker, a monitor in a summer camp, a guinea pig for medical experiments. Miraculously, I’d attended what’s considered one of the most prestigious universities in Europe and graduated with a degree in philosophy and sociology, whereas no one else in my family had studied at all. I’d read Plato, Kant, Derrida, de Beauvoir. After growing up among the poorest classes of northern France, I’d got to know the provincial middle classes, their sourness, and then, later on, the Parisian intellectual world, the French and international upper classes. I’d rubbed shoulders with some of the richest people in the world. I’d made love to men who had works by Picasso, Monet and Soulages in their living rooms, who travelled only by private jet and spent their entire time in hotels where one night, one single night, cost what my whole family earned in a year when I was a child, for a family of seven.

I’d been close –  physically at least –  to the aristocracy, I’d dined at the homes of dukes and princesses, eaten caviar and drunk rare champagnes with them several times a week, spent my holidays in big houses in Switzerland with the mayor of Geneva who’d become my friend. I’d known the life of drug dealers, loved a railway maintenance worker and another man who, at barely thirty, had spent a third of his life in prison, and slept in the arms of yet another on an estate reputed to be one of the toughest in France.

At just over twenty I’d changed my first and last names in court, transformed my face, redesigned my hairline, undergone several operations, reinvented the way I moved, walked and talked, and got rid of the northern accent of my childhood. I’d fled to Barcelona to start a new life with a fallen aristocrat, tried to give up everything and move to India, lived in a tiny studio in Paris, owned a huge apartment in one of the richest neighbourhoods in New York, walked for weeks alone across the United States, through unknown, ghostly cities, in an attempt to unravel what my life had become. When I went back to see my father or mother we didn’t know what to say to each other, we no longer spoke the same language, everything I’d experienced in such a short time, everything I’d gone through, everything separated us.

I’d written and published books before I turned twentyfive, and travelled the world to talk about them, to Japan, Chile, Kosovo, Malaysia and Singapore. I’d been asked to speak at Harvard, Berkeley, the Sorbonne. At first this life awed me, then it left me jaded and disgusted.

I’d narrowly escaped death, I’d experienced death, felt its reality, I’d lost the use of my body for several weeks.

More than anything else I’d wanted to escape my childhood, the grey skies of the Nord department and the doomed life of my childhood friends whom society had deprived of everything, their only prospect of happiness being the couple of evenings a week they spent at the village bus stop, drinking

beer and pastis in plastic cups to forget, to forget reality. I’d dreamed of being recognised in the street, dreamed of being invisible, dreamed of disappearing, dreamed of waking up one morning as a girl, dreamed of being rich, dreamed of starting all over again.

At times I’d have liked to lie down in a corner, away from everything, to dig a hole, burrow into it and never speak again, never move again, along the lines of what Nietzsche calls Russian fatalism: like those soldiers who, exhausted from fighting, crushed by the fatigue of battle and their pained, heavy bodies, lie down on the ground, in the snow, far from the others, and wait for death to come.

It is this story – this odyssey – that I want to try to tell here.

I climbed the stairs two at a time. I no longer know what I was thinking about in that stairwell, I imagine I was counting the steps so as not to think of anything else.

I arrived at the door, caught my breath and rang the bell. The man approached from the other side, I could hear him, I could make out his footsteps on the wooden floor.

I’d met him on the Internet just two hours earlier. He was the one who’d contacted me. He’d told me he liked boys like me, young, slender, blond, blue-eyed –  the Aryan type, he’d insisted. He’d asked me to dress like a student and that’s what I’d done –  at least his idea of a student –  with an oversized hoodie I’d borrowed from Geo roy and sky-blue trainers, my favourites, I’d done what he wanted because I was hoping he’d reward my e orts and pay me more than he’d promised. I waited.

Finally, he opened the door and at the sight of him I had to tense my face to keep from grimacing – he didn’t look like the photos he’d sent, his body was flabby, heavy, I don’t know how to put it, as if he was sagging or rather oozing to the floor.

Just coming to the door had been a strain for him, I could see his fatigue, his shortness of breath, the dozens of tiny drops of sweat shining on his forehead. I tried to look at him as little as possible, I wanted to avoid seeing the details of his face. In less than an hour you’ll be out of here with the money, I thought. His odour reached me, a synthetic smell of vanilla and sour milk. I focused on that sentence –  In less than an hour, the money – when suddenly I heard voices behind him in the flat. They belonged to men, several of them, maybe three or four. I asked who they were, he smiled and said: It’s nothing. Pretend they’re not here, they’re used to it, I often bring in whores, you’re not the first. You ignore them and we’ll go to my room.

I thought: I don’t want other people seeing my face –  the shame began to rise inside me, from the tips of my fingers to the nape of my neck, like a warm, paralysing fluid, I recognised its burn. I threatened to go home. I thought it would hurt or irritate him but he didn’t try to stop me. Calmly he o ered to give me fifty euros for the trip if I wanted to turn and go, and I hated him for not getting angry. I needed more

than fifty euros. Okay, I said, we’ll go straight to your room, they won’t see me, I’ll pull up my hood.

He promised me his friends wouldn’t try to see my face, they don’t give a shit; he was already turning round, I could see his fat white neck. Think of the money, think of the money.

I crossed the living room with him. He walked in front of me. I lowered my head, the hood hiding my face. In the bedroom he sat on the edge of his bed, the weight of his heavy body on the mattress produced a high-pitched creaking sound.

The mattress screamed in my place.

I stood there, facing his body, I didn’t dare move, he looked at me Fuck you’re a turn-on with your little Nazi face. I didn’t say anything, I knew my silence would please him, that was what he wanted and what he was paying me for, my toughness, my coldness. I was playing a role. He asked me to undress, he said: As slowly as possible, and I did.

Now I was naked in front of him, waiting. He just said: I want you to fuck me like a slut. He straightened up, pulled his trousers down to his knees, without taking them o completely, turned and got on all fours on the bed –  his arse in front of me too white and too red, flaccid, limp, covered with little brown hairs. Go on, fuck me, fuck me like I’m your little slut, he repeated. I rubbed my cock against his body but nothing happened, my cock remained inert, I failed, I wasn’t

able to think of anything else, to imagine myself in another situation, the reality of his body won out, as if it was so brutal, so total, that it made any attempt at imagination impossible. Can’t do it? he asked and to buy time I said Shut the fuck up. I felt his body shudder under my fingers, he loved it.

I tried again, rubbed against him, on him, desperately, forcing myself to imagine another body in place of his body, another body under my body, or rather on my body, because I knew that was what usually turned me on. I concentrated, but the contact with his dry, cold skin brought me back to the truth and his presence. He started to sigh to show his impatience. I told you shut the fuck up and don’t move, I repeated, but I knew it wouldn’t work as well the second time. He wanted something else. I rubbed myself even harder against him but I knew I’d already lost, I’d lost from the start, today I look back and I think I knew that the moment I entered his room.

I thought of the money I needed, the shame the next day if I had to tell the dentist I couldn’t pay him, the look in his eyes and the words he must have known by heart, Can I pay you next time, I’m sorry, I don’t have my wallet, I forgot it, he’d have known I was lying and I’d have known he knew, and I thought of the shame this infinite game of mirrors would cause – it was as simple, as banal as that, that was why I was in this man’s house, naked against him.

He was still in the same position, motionless on all fours. I backed up a bit, walked round the bed and came to stand in front of him. His features were drawn, his face was pleading, exhausted from waiting. Suck, I said, and he took my still soft cock in his mouth. I closed my eyes. I don’t know how I managed, but after about twenty minutes standing there in front of him my cock bulged and I came, I pulled out of his mouth to cover his face, and looking down I saw the thick, white liquid on his forehead, his cheeks, his eyelids.

My breath shook.

I got dressed. I thought: It’s almost over. Almost over. He grabbed a towel from the bedside table that he’d probably put there knowing I’d come, wiped his face and walked over to a small chest of drawers. He took out a wad of notes and came over to me.

He gave me a hundred euros; I didn’t move. He knew exactly what I was expecting and why I didn’t move but he pretended not to understand. He was playing with me, he knew full well that I saw what was going on, that I knew he was playing with me but that I was too afraid to say anything. Finally he said You did half the job so I’m paying you half the money. You should have fucked me, you didn’t. A whore who doesn’t fuck isn’t a whore. You can be glad I’m giving you a hundred. He didn’t say it aggressively but more as an observation, the way you cite a rule or the terms of a

contract. I’d learned to recognise how rich someone was at a glance, I could see it, I was never wrong, I knew he was rich and that paying me a hundred euros more wouldn’t have changed a thing for him, that having a hundred euros less in his wallet wouldn’t have made the slightest impact on his life. My heart was pounding in my chest (it wasn’t my heart that was pounding but my whole body). I started to describe my situation to this man in front of me, I didn’t even know his name but I told him everything, the shame, the dentist. That wasn’t his problem, he said, when you do things by halves you get half what you bargained for. You have to know what you want in life. You’re young, you have time to learn.

It was when he said those words that I decided to back down. His friends in the next room could get worried and come in to see if everything was all right, they couldn’t see my face –  They mustn’t see your face, Other people must not see your face.

I took the money and left, walked through Paris in the night, and went home. Outside, the pavements were shiny from the rain, reflecting the streets like a second city projected onto the ground. I walked. I didn’t think I hated him. I didn’t think anything.

When I entered my flat I sat on the edge of the bed and cried. Even when I was crying I didn’t think anything. I no

longer knew my name. I wasn’t crying because of what had just happened, which wasn’t such a big deal, just the sort of unpleasant thing that can happen to you in any situation; rather, what had just happened allowed me to cry for all the times in my life when I hadn’t cried, all the times I’d held back. It’s possible during that night, in that room, I let my eyes cry twenty years of uncried tears.

I walked to the shower. I didn’t take o my clothes. I turned on the warm water and felt it run down over me, from the top of my head to my ankles. I tilted my head back, stretching my throat, and opened my mouth as if I was going to scream, a long, beautiful scream, but I didn’t. The water soaked my clothes, my white T-shirt turned the colour of my skin, my soggy trousers grew dark and heavy.

I stayed under that shower for a long time, watching the water running down over me. When I got out morning was breaking. I think it was then that I asked myself if one day I’d be able to write a scene like that, a scene so far removed from the child I’d been and his world, not a tragic or pathetic scene but above all one that was radically foreign to that child, and it was then that I promised myself I’d do it one day, that one day I’d tell everything that had led up to that scene and everything that happened afterwards, as a way of going back in time.

I Elena

(fictional conversations with my father)

Need I tell you again how it all started? I grew up in a world that rejected everything I was, and I experienced that as an injustice because –  as I repeated to myself a hundred times a day, to the point of nausea – I didn’t choose what I was.

I’ve said all this before but I have to put it in order, I promised it to myself, the problem was diagnosed in the first years of my life: when I learned to speak, when I started to express myself, to move in the world, I heard more and more people around me asking Why does Eddy speak like that, why does he talk like a girl when he’s a boy? Why does he walk like a girl? Why does he twist his hands when he speaks? Why does he look at other boys like that? Could it be that he’s a bit queer?

I didn’t choose to walk the way I did, to talk the way I did, I didn’t understand why I had those mannerisms – that’s what the people in the village called them, Eddy’s mannerisms, Eddy has mannerisms when he talks – I didn’t understand why those mannerisms had been imposed on me, on my body. I

don’t know why I was attracted to other boys’ bodies and not to girls’ bodies as would have been expected of me. I was a prisoner of myself. At night I dreamed of changing, of becoming someone else, and it was perhaps in those early years of my life that the idea of change became so central for me.

You were one of the first to worry. At night, when you were with Mum in your bedroom, I could hear you two talking –  there were no doors between the rooms, buying doors would have cost too much money, and you’d hung up curtains you’d found at the junk shop. I could smell the cigarettes you smoked one after the next in your bed, the smoke and above all your voices reached me in the darkness, Why does Eddy talk like that? We didn’t bring him up to be a queer, I don’t get it. Can’t he act a bit normal?

Queer. At five or six I understood that this word would define me and that it would stick with me for the rest of my life.

What you don’t know, because I hid it from you, is that it followed me everywhere, not just at home but also in the streets of the village, at school, everywhere, and that you weren’t the only one who worried.

(Or did you know that and just not say anything to protect yourself from the truth?)