EL ALAMEIN
SSome time ago, in some papers, I came upon a postcard from my mother dated September 6, 1942, and written in pencil. The stamp with Adolf Hitler’s likeness was preprinted on it. The postmark is clearly readable: Munich, center of the movement. The postcard is addressed to Herr Professor Dr. R. Herzog and Family, Grosshesselohe nr. Munich. To my grandfather then, Rudolf Herzog, the patriarch of the family. My mother chose not to inform my father.
ome time ago, in some papers, I came upon a postcard from my mother dated September 6, 1942, and written in pencil. The stamp with Adolf Hitler’s likeness was preprinted on it. The postmark is clearly readable: Munich, center of the movement. The postcard is addressed to Herr Professor Dr. R. Herzog and Family, Grosshesselohe nr. Munich. To my grandfather then, Rudolf Herzog, the patriarch of the family. My mother chose not to inform my father.
“Dear Father,” she writes to my grandfather. “I want to tell you that I gave birth last night to a baby boy. He is to be named Werner. Best wishes, Liesel.” My given name, Werner, was an act of insubordination against my father, who wanted me to be called Eberhard. At the time of my birth, my father was a soldier in France, not at any front but, because he knew how to make himself scarce, behind the
“Dear Father,” she writes to my grandfather. “I want to tell you that I gave birth last night to a baby boy. He is to be named Werner. Best wishes, Liesel.” My given name, Werner, was an act of insubordination against my father, who wanted me to be called Eberhard. At the time of my birth, my father was a soldier in France, not at any front but, because he knew how to make himself scarce, behind the
lines, where supplies were distributed, specifically food rations. He had sired me in the course of his most recent, no doubt hard- earned furlough shortly after the new year. My mother later discovered that he had spent the first part of his ten days’ leave with some other woman and presented himself afterward.
lines, where supplies were distributed, specifically food rations. He had sired me in the course of his most recent, no doubt hard- earned furlough shortly after the new year. My mother later discovered that he had spent the first part of his ten days’ leave with some other woman and presented himself afterward.
I was born just before the turning point of the Second World War.
In the East, the German Wehrmacht was laying siege to Stalingrad, which was to lead to a catastrophic German defeat within months, while in North Africa General Rommel was trying to push through to El Alamein, which would soon lead to a similar debacle for the so- called Thousand-Year Reich. Much later, when I was twenty-three and had to leave the United States in a hurry because I had violated the terms of my visa and was on the point of being expatriated back to Germany, I fled to Mexico, where I had to find some way of earning money for a living. I worked in the charreadas, a Mexican form of rodeo, as a kind of arena clown, riding on young bullocks even though I’d never even ridden a horse before. My chosen sobriquet was El Alamein, because no one could say my real name and for simplicity’s sake referred to me as el Aleman, or the German. I, however, insisted on El Alamein because, to the glee of the crowds, I was severely beaten at every appearance, a tacit nod then to the German defeat in the North African desert. Each Saturday this defeat and, to be more specific, the injuries I inevitably incurred could be marveled at anew.
I was born just before the turning point of the Second World War. In the East, the German Wehrmacht was laying siege to Stalingrad, which was to lead to a catastrophic German defeat within months, while in North Africa General Rommel was trying to push through to El Alamein, which would soon lead to a similar debacle for the so- called Thousand-Year Reich. Much later, when I was twenty-three and had to leave the United States in a hurry because I had violated the terms of my visa and was on the point of being expatriated back to Germany, I fled to Mexico, where I had to find some way of earning money for a living. I worked in the charreadas, a Mexican form of rodeo, as a kind of arena clown, riding on young bullocks even though I’d never even ridden a horse before. My chosen sobriquet was El Alamein, because no one could say my real name and for simplicity’s sake referred to me as el Aleman, or the German. I, however, insisted on El Alamein because, to the glee of the crowds, I was severely beaten at every appearance, a tacit nod then to the German defeat in the North African desert. Each Saturday this defeat and, to be more specific, the injuries I inevitably incurred could be marveled at anew.
Barely two weeks after my birth, Munich, the “center of the movement,” was subjected to one of the early Allied bombing raids. My mother was then living in the city in a small attic studio at Elisabethstrasse 3. Thirteen years later, we would move into a pension in the
Barely two weeks after my birth, Munich, the “center of the movement,” was subjected to one of the early Allied bombing raids. My mother was then living in the city in a small attic studio at Elisabethstrasse 3. Thirteen years later, we would move into a pension in the
same building, just one floor lower down, where I would make the acquaintance of the madman Klaus Kinski and his periodic meltdowns. In 1942, though, before I could remember anything, lots of buildings around about were leveled, and the building in which my life had lately begun was badly damaged. My mother found me in my cradle covered in a thick layer of broken glass, bricks, and rubble. I was unhurt, but my mother in her panic snatched up my older brother, Tilbert, and me and left the city and fled up into the mountains to Sachrang, surely the remotest place in all Bavaria, in a narrow valley up against the Austrian border. That was where I grew up. My mother knew one or two people there and, through their help, found somewhere for us to stay on the Berger farm outside the village— not in the farmhouse itself but in the so- called dower house, a tiny adjacent building where, by Bavarian custom, the old farmer couple moved to once the oldest son took over the farm. We lived in the lower floor of that; a refugee family from Hamelin in Northern Germany was quartered above us.
same building, just one floor lower down, where I would make the acquaintance of the madman Klaus Kinski and his periodic meltdowns. In 1942, though, before I could remember anything, lots of buildings around about were leveled, and the building in which my life had lately begun was badly damaged. My mother found me in my cradle covered in a thick layer of broken glass, bricks, and rubble. I was unhurt, but my mother in her panic snatched up my older brother, Tilbert, and me and left the city and fled up into the mountains to Sachrang, surely the remotest place in all Bavaria, in a narrow valley up against the Austrian border. That was where I grew up. My mother knew one or two people there and, through their help, found somewhere for us to stay on the Berger farm outside the village— not in the farmhouse itself but in the so- called dower house, a tiny adjacent building where, by Bavarian custom, the old farmer couple moved to once the oldest son took over the farm. We lived in the lower floor of that; a refugee family from Hamelin in Northern Germany was quartered above us.
I will come to my father and his side of the family. First, however, my mother’s family, the Stipetić s, who came from Croatia, originally from Split in Dalmatia, and later moved from there to Zagreb, the capital, which at the time was still called by German name, Agram. My forefathers had been senior administrators and officers, and my grandfather, whom I never got to meet because he died when my mother was just eighteen, had been a major on the Habsburg general staff. From her accounts, though, he seems to have had a penchant for surreal humor and the absurd. For two years he was stationed in Üsküp (modern- day Skopje) and all that time wore only one glove. Later, in a café in Vienna, he took off both gloves in the presence of
I will come to my father and his side of the family. First, however, my mother’s family, the Stipetić s, who came from Croatia, originally from Split in Dalmatia, and later moved from there to Zagreb, the capital, which at the time was still called by its German name, Agram. My forefathers had been senior administrators and officers, and my grandfather, whom I never got to meet because he died when my mother was just eighteen, had been a major on the Habsburg general staff. From her accounts, though, he seems to have had a penchant for surreal humor and the absurd. For two years he was stationed in Üsküp (modern- day Skopje) and all that time wore only one glove. Later, in a café in Vienna, he took off both gloves in the presence of
a waiter, and to universal astonishment, he had one hand that was deeply tanned and the other was as white as snow. In full gala uniform, quite the rebel, he would play games of marbles with street urchins, and distinguish himself with his bizarre and wholly unmartial actions. The Croatian side of my family was nationalist in sympathies; they supported the independence of Croatia from the Austro- Hungarian Dual Monarchy. Such sympathies eventually led to fascism. With Hitler’s support, a populist leader, a so- called poglavnik, took power in Croatia for three years until the war ended, and that was the end of that.
a waiter, and to universal astonishment, he had one hand that was deeply tanned and the other was as white as snow. In full gala uniform, quite the rebel, he would play games of marbles with street urchins, and distinguish himself with his bizarre and wholly unmartial actions. The Croatian side of my family was nationalist in sympathies; they supported the independence of Croatia from the Austro- Hungarian Dual Monarchy. Such sympathies eventually led to fascism. With Hitler’s support, a populist leader, a so- called poglavnik, took power in Croatia for three years until the war ended, and that was the end of that.
My grandmother came from a respectable family in Vienna; my mother was never especially close to her, because all her life she had scant regard for respectability. I only knew my grandmother from a handful of visits; the one occasion that lives in my memory is when I visited her with my mother, close to the end, in a home. My grandmother was confused and asked me for a glass of water, which I got for her at the sink. “Such a delicacy,” she kept saying, taking tiny sips and thanking me over and over again for something so exquisite.
My grandmother came from a respectable family in Vienna; my mother was never especially close to her, because all her life she had scant regard for respectability. I only knew my grandmother from a handful of visits; the one occasion that lives in my memory is when I visited her with my mother, close to the end, in a home. My grandmother was confused and asked me for a glass of water, which I got for her at the sink. “Such a delicacy,” she kept saying, taking tiny sips and thanking me over and over again for something so exquisite.
Lotte, my mother’s younger sister, followed in the footsteps of that Austrian grandmother and also had little connection to my mother. She was a cordial- enough woman, with two children, a boy and a girl. The son, my cousin, a few years older than me and someone I got along with well, had a part to play at a dramatic turn in my life when at twenty-three I returned from the United States to Germany for the first time. I had left the first great love of my life in Germany at a time when we experienced some turbulence in our relationship because I had undergone a rapid development that had left her behind. I had met her when I was working in her parents’
Lotte, my mother’s younger sister, followed in the footsteps of that Austrian grandmother and also had little connection to my mother. She was a cordial- enough woman, with two children, a boy and a girl. The son, my cousin, a few years older than me and someone I got along with well, had a part to play at a dramatic turn in my life when at twenty-three I returned from the United States to Germany for the first time. I had left the first great love of my life in Germany at a time when we experienced some turbulence in our relationship because I had undergone a rapid development that had left her behind. I had met her when I was working in her parents’
firm, a small metallurgical company, as a spot welder on the night shift. I had started doing that while still in high school because I needed money for my first film productions. Perhaps out of insecurity, because I had failed to propose to her when I left, she had proceeded while I was off in the States to marry my cousin without informing me. When I returned, she was just back from her honeymoon and nevertheless ran away with me for a few days, but neither she nor I finally had it in us to rewrite history. Because she didn’t want to go straight back to her husband, my cousin, I took her back to her parents, who were waiting for me with her four brothers. Or maybe there were only three; in my memory they have been built up into a massive superiority. I wasn’t going to just drop my lover at her parents’ door; I was perfectly prepared to confront them. Her brothers, powerful Bavarian lunks who all played ice hockey, had threatened to kill me if I showed my face. Her parents, quite properly, said much the same thing. I wasn’t afraid, though, and walked into the house. I had had a strange encounter with my cousin the previous day, with my beloved torn this way and that between the two of us. I am convinced to this day that there was nothing physical, not the least contact, but I still had a swollen cheekbone, as though I’d received a powerful blow. It wasn’t until four decades later at a family birthday that I next had a fleeting encounter with him, but we were never close again, though we both desired to be.
firm, a small metallurgical company, as a spot welder on the night shift. I had started doing that while still in high school because I needed money for my first film productions. Perhaps out of insecurity, because I had failed to propose to her when I left, she had proceeded while I was off in the States to marry my cousin without informing me. When I returned, she was just back from her honeymoon and nevertheless ran away with me for a few days, but neither she nor I finally had it in us to rewrite history. Because she didn’t want to go straight back to her husband, my cousin, I took her back to her parents, who were waiting for me with her four brothers. Or maybe there were only three; in my memory they have been built up into a massive superiority. I wasn’t going to just drop my lover at her parents’ door; I was perfectly prepared to confront them. Her brothers, powerful Bavarian lunks who all played ice hockey, had threatened to kill me if I showed my face. Her parents, quite properly, said much the same thing. I wasn’t afraid, though, and walked into the house. I had had a strange encounter with my cousin the previous day, with my beloved torn this way and that between the two of us. I am convinced to this day that there was nothing physical, not the least contact, but I still had a swollen cheekbone, as though I’d received a powerful blow. It wasn’t until four decades later at a family birthday that I next had a fleeting encounter with him, but we were never close again, though we both desired to be.
After this, my lover prior to my first trip to the United States seemed later in her life to be under a curse. She kept attracting misfortune. She had two children with my cousin, but the marriage broke up. Her subsequent relationships also ended badly. In the end, she jumped to her death off the Grosshesseloher Bridge. In old photo-
After this, my lover prior to my first trip to the United States seemed later in her life to be under a curse. She kept attracting misfortune. She had two children with my cousin, but the marriage broke up. Her subsequent relationships also ended badly. In the end, she jumped to her death off the Grosshesseloher Bridge. In old photo-
graphs of us together, we always look perfectly serene, with a lightheartedness that has no suggestion of the coming catastrophe. I am still upset with myself for somehow having deserted her in my time in the States without having had the courage to tell her. Women always played a dramatic role in my life, no doubt because there were deep feelings involved. But I never really saw the great mystery and agony of love. My relationships were hardly ever superficial. I was driven by the demon of love, but without women, my life would have been nothing much. Sometimes I try to imagine a world without women. It would be unbearable, impoverished, a tumbling from one void to the next. But I was lucky in love, presumably luckier than I deserved to be.
graphs of us together, we always look perfectly serene, with a lightheartedness that has no suggestion of the coming catastrophe. I am still upset with myself for somehow having deserted her in my time in the States without having had the courage to tell her. Women always played a dramatic role in my life, no doubt because there were deep feelings involved. But I never really saw the great mystery and agony of love. My relationships were hardly ever superficial. I was driven by the demon of love, but without women, my life would have been nothing much. Sometimes I try to imagine a world without women. It would be unbearable, impoverished, a tumbling from one void to the next. But I was lucky in love, presumably luckier than I deserved to be.
My family on my father’s side were all academics. Their roots are in Swabia, but one branch of the family were Huguenots by the name of de Neufville, who presumably fled persecution in France at the end of the seventeenth century and sought refuge in Frankfurt. My family tree never especially interested me, but I remember my father conducting inquiries that established that we were related to the mathematician Gauss and various other historical figures, including Charlemagne— but presumably that would be true of most Germans and French. The truth is that my father was more interested in finding a significance for us that we didn’t possess. My father entered one of my half brothers, Ortwin, whom I barely know, a globe-trotter working for a semilegal commercial directory, as a scientific explorer in the family tree— as though he were a kind of second Humboldt. The older of my two half brothers, Markwart, whom I know slightly better— though both were damaged for life because, unlike me, they had the misfortune of having been raised
My family on my father’s side were all academics. Their roots are in Swabia, but one branch of the family were Huguenots by the name of de Neufville, who presumably fled persecution in France at the end of the seventeenth century and sought refuge in Frankfurt. My family tree never especially interested me, but I remember my father conducting inquiries that established that we were related to the mathematician Gauss and various other historical figures, including Charlemagne— but presumably that would be true of most Germans and French. The truth is that my father was more interested in finding a significance for us that we didn’t possess. My father entered one of my half brothers, Ortwin, whom I barely know, a globe-trotter working for a semilegal commercial directory, as a scientific explorer in the family tree— as though he were a kind of second Humboldt. The older of my two half brothers, Markwart, whom I know slightly better— though both were damaged for life because, unlike me, they had the misfortune of having been raised
by my father— is the only one of all of us siblings to have graduated with a degree. He studied Catholic theology and wrote a doctorate on the philosophical- religious significance of Christ’s purported descent into Hell.
by my father— is the only one of all of us siblings to have graduated with a degree. He studied Catholic theology and wrote a doctorate on the philosophical- religious significance of Christ’s purported descent into Hell.
Ella, my grandmother on my father’s side, a big, solid woman who over time and by sheer strength of character became something like the head of the whole clan, gave me profound insight into the family history, or perhaps better put, a kind of tunnel vision, a borehole into the depth of life of two persons, herself and her grandmother, in other words, my great-great-grandmother. This investigation into the depths of my ancestry was the only part that truly interested me. Ella wrote a memoir titled For My Children and Grandchildren that began: “Very well, you’re curious and would like to know how Grandfather came to be married to Grandmother.” This was dated “Christmas, 1891.”
Ella, my grandmother on my father’s side, a big, solid woman who over time and by sheer strength of character became something like the head of the whole clan, gave me profound insight into the family history, or perhaps better put, a kind of tunnel vision, a borehole into the depth of life of two persons, herself and her grandmother, in other words, my great-great-grandmother. This investigation into the depths of my ancestry was the only part that truly interested me. Ella wrote a memoir titled For My Children and Grandchildren that began: “Very well, you’re curious and would like to know how Grandfather came to be married to Grandmother.” This was dated “Christmas, 1891.”
The recollections of my great-great-grandmother go back to 1829. She grew up in East Prussia. “My darling little girl,” she writes to her grandchild, my grandmother, “when I sent you a letter this past summer with recollections of our old home, you wrote to say you would like it if I wrote down some of the stories I told you from my childhood. Well, my earliest conscious memory dates back to my third year. I think the year must have been 1829. I seem to see myself in our drawing room in Schloss Gilgenburg. My mother, whose features are no longer present to me, is sitting on a chair at her sewing table busy with some handicraft in a window niche, the windows there were some way off the ground; I clamber up into the niche and then onto the chair; standing be-
The recollections of my great-great-grandmother go back to 1829. She grew up in East Prussia. “My darling little girl,” she writes to her grandchild, my grandmother, “when I sent you a letter this past summer with recollections of our old home, you wrote to say you would like it if I wrote down some of the stories I told you from my childhood. Well, my earliest conscious memory dates back to my third year. I think the year must have been 1829. I seem to see myself in our drawing room in Schloss Gilgenburg. My mother, whose features are no longer present to me, is sitting on a chair at her sewing table busy with some handicraft in a window niche, the windows there were some way off the ground; I clamber up into the niche and then onto the chair; standing be-
hind my mother, in my girlish way, I try to arrange and stroke her hair. Then the day comes that I seem to see before me still, and that I will never forget— I am in Mother’s bedroom, it’s morning, she has quit her bed and is lying on the sofa, I am playing beside her; there must be someone else in the room as well, because I hear the words: “She’s lost consciousness again,” and I hear a call for help, the servants come and pick her up and carry her back to bed. Then I hear another call: “Bring a warming pan for her feet.” The feet were rubbed and warmed, but it was no good; they would not be warm again. It was, as I later heard, the first time she had left her bed after the birth of my baby brother. The baby was stillborn, and I remember I was called in to look at him.”
hind my mother, in my girlish way, I try to arrange and stroke her hair. Then the day comes that I seem to see before me still, and that I will never forget— I am in Mother’s bedroom, it’s morning, she has quit her bed and is lying on the sofa, I am playing beside her; there must be someone else in the room as well, because I hear the words: “She’s lost consciousness again,” and I hear a call for help, the servants come and pick her up and carry her back to bed. Then I hear another call: “Bring a warming pan for her feet.” The feet were rubbed and warmed, but it was no good; they would not be warm again. It was, as I later heard, the first time she had left her bed after the birth of my baby brother. The baby was stillborn, and I remember I was called in to look at him.”
“Father’s estates,” she writes— talking about a time when she was six or seven years old—“with their large forests, were home to many wild animals. Wild boar dwelt in the great oak forests, and even a number of wolves. Sometimes when we rode through the forest in the evening, the horses became nervous, and if you looked about you, you might see a pair of green eyes glinting in the undergrowth. Every year there was a great wolf hunt. The government had offered a bounty for every wolf that was shot. As long as there were wolves, there were also cubs. The foresters on their forays would sometimes come upon a wolf’s lair with cubs. While the old ones were away in the night hunting for food, the foresters would pick up the cubs, put them in a sack, and empty them out in our room, where we children would jump about for joy and play with the babies and tease them until they howled. It ended with their death. Their ears and claws were attached to a piece of card, and when this was sent to the government with a claim, the
“Father’s estates,” she writes— talking about a time when she was six or seven years old—“with their large forests, were home to many wild animals. Wild boar dwelt in the great oak forests, and even a number of wolves. Sometimes when we rode through the forest in the evening, the horses became nervous, and if you looked about you, you might see a pair of green eyes glinting in the undergrowth. Every year there was a great wolf hunt. The government had offered a bounty for every wolf that was shot. As long as there were wolves, there were also cubs. The foresters on their forays would sometimes come upon a wolf’s lair with cubs. While the old ones were away in the night hunting for food, the foresters would pick up the cubs, put them in a sack, and empty them out in our room, where we children would jump about for joy and play with the babies and tease them until they howled. It ended with their death. Their ears and claws were attached to a piece of card, and when this was sent to the government with a claim, the
reward was paid out. The wolves were so bold, they would sometimes come into our grounds and take a goose or a sheep from the herd. My pet goat (to whom I was very close) suffered such a fate. The herdsmen were able by shouting and with their dog to scare the wolf away, but the poor beast had already had its throat bitten through. Since horses and cattle were pastured in the summer nights, particular measures had to be taken against the wolves then. When the beasts came in the evenings, they would be smeared with an evil- smelling oil, which was called ‘French oil,’ that was supposed to put off the wolves. The cattle got it on their heads and between their horns, since that was how they defended themselves, putting their posteriors together. And with the horses, it was the tails and hindquarters that were imbricated, because they put their heads together and used their hooves to try to keep away the wolves. Even then, I remember a horse being shown us one morning with its hindquarters so badly lacerated, it had to be put down.”
reward was paid out. The wolves were so bold, they would sometimes come into our grounds and take a goose or a sheep from the herd. My pet goat (to whom I was very close) suffered such a fate. The herdsmen were able by shouting and with their dog to scare the wolf away, but the poor beast had already had its throat bitten through. Since horses and cattle were pastured in the summer nights, particular measures had to be taken against the wolves then. When the beasts came in in the evenings, they would be smeared with an evil- smelling oil, which was called ‘French oil,’ that was supposed to put off the wolves. The cattle got it on their heads and between their horns, since that was how they defended themselves, putting their posteriors together. And with the horses, it was the tails and hindquarters that were imbricated, because they put their heads together and used their hooves to try to keep away the wolves. Even then, I remember a horse being shown us one morning with its hindquarters so badly lacerated, it had to be put down.”
To me, the Berger farm in Sachrang felt similarly idyllic and equally fraught; in my case, this was brought on by the catastrophes, the turbulence, and the streams of refugees of the Second World War. Before I started going to school, I remember that my brother Till and I were set to mind the cows on the Lang farm. We boys were friends with young Eckart Lang, whom we called the Butter, because his brutal father always made him churn the butter. Minding the cows brought us our first income; it was next to nothing, but it reinforced our sense of independence. It’s even possible that we earned money earlier than that when, at the same age, we lugged
To me, the Berger farm in Sachrang felt similarly idyllic and equally fraught; in my case, this was brought on by the catastrophes, the turbulence, and the streams of refugees of the Second World War. Before I started going to school, I remember that my brother Till and I were set to mind the cows on the Lang farm. We boys were friends with young Eckart Lang, whom we called the Butter, because his brutal father always made him churn the butter. Minding the cows brought us our first income; it was next to nothing, but it reinforced our sense of independence. It’s even possible that we earned money earlier than that when, at the same age, we lugged
beer and lemonade up the Geigelstein with the draft pony. We fixed a crate of beer to one side and a crate of lemonade to the other, and climbed almost at a trot up to the Alpine meadow above Priener Hütte. The difference in height from Sachrang is about eight hundred meters, and we were barefoot, because in summer we didn’t wear shoes. There were shoes only in autumn and winter until the end of April; in the months without r, May, June, July, and August, we didn’t have underwear under our lederhosen either. Today there’s a road going up the mountain, but back then we scampered up a rocky path and, even so, got there in an hour and a quarter. Presentday tourists take four hours. By the Alpine meadow lived a family of cheese makers, among them a young woman called Mari. She was the only one of all of them who lived up there the year round; the story went that she would have nothing to do with the valley and the people down there since she had once fallen in love and been deserted by someone. When she was just one year old, her father had stuffed her in a rucksack and carried her up the mountain, and she had grown up there. She had been down to the valley only once in her sixty years of adulthood because her signature was required for something; I think it was pension payments. A few years ago, shortly before her death, I ran into her on the mountain with my younger son, Simon. She was past ninety and wild-looking and unkempt even though there were people looking after her. Young men from the mountain rescue service who had a hut nearby looked in on her most days. One of them would occasionally run a comb through her hair, and it did her good to have a strong young man fixing her hair. She stuck it out up there, summer and winter, rain and storms. Not long before my visit, her hut was buried under a great avalanche,
beer and lemonade up the Geigelstein with the draft pony. We fixed a crate of beer to one side and a crate of lemonade to the other, and climbed almost at a trot up to the Alpine meadow above Priener Hütte. The difference in height from Sachrang is about eight hundred meters, and we were barefoot, because in summer we didn’t wear shoes. There were shoes only in autumn and winter until the end of April; in the months without r, May, June, July, and August, we didn’t have underwear under our lederhosen either. Today there’s a road going up the mountain, but back then we scampered up a rocky path and, even so, got there in an hour and a quarter. Presentday tourists take four hours. By the Alpine meadow lived a family of cheese makers, among them a young woman called Mari. She was the only one of all of them who lived up there the year round; the story went that she would have nothing to do with the valley and the people down there since she had once fallen in love and been deserted by someone. When she was just one year old, her father had stuffed her in a rucksack and carried her up the mountain, and she had grown up there. She had been down to the valley only once in her sixty years of adulthood because her signature was required for something; I think it was pension payments. A few years ago, shortly before her death, I ran into her on the mountain with my younger son, Simon. She was past ninety and wild-looking and unkempt even though there were people looking after her. Young men from the mountain rescue service who had a hut nearby looked in on her most days. One of them would occasionally run a comb through her hair, and it did her good to have a strong young man fixing her hair. She stuck it out up there, summer and winter, rain and storms. Not long before my visit, her hut was buried under a great avalanche,
and the mountain rescue service dug a tunnel perpendicularly down for several meters until they were able to pull out Mari from the almost undamaged stone hut. When I saw her, a heating system that would switch itself on and off automatically had just been installed in her new hut by a wonderfully devoted man because once Mari had been found half frozen in her bed, and on another occasion, she had almost set herself alight with a twig fire. The local authorities in Aschau held detailed discussions about putting her in a home, but she steadfastly refused to go, and they finally decided to let her die where she had always lived. Mari dimly remembered the two boys who seventy years earlier had kept coming up the mountain with the Haflinger draft pony. Sometimes, when the weather was bad, my brother and I had slept in the hay barn up on the mountain and set off very early the next morning because we had to return the horse and collect our fifty pfennigs before running to school. Because the way up the Alp had sharp stones that were often hidden under bunches of grass, our feet were always bloodied and sore. In summer, plagued by thirst, we once forced our way into the cow shed on the Schreckalm, and my brother approached a cow to milk her. It was a young heifer, and she gave him such a kick that he came flying out backward. From my time in Sachrang, I can still milk a cow, and I recognize others who can as well, just as you can sometimes identify a lawyer or a butcher. My knowledge of milking came in handy many years later with the astronauts who made up the crew of one of the Space Shuttles. The background there was my fascination with the unmanned mission to Jupiter, which was proving incredibly difficult and had many reverses. The Galileo space probe was finally fired into deep space in 1989 after numerous delays and
and the mountain rescue service dug a tunnel perpendicularly down for several meters until they were able to pull out Mari from the almost undamaged stone hut. When I saw her, a heating system that would switch itself on and off automatically had just been installed in her new hut by a wonderfully devoted man because once Mari had been found half frozen in her bed, and on another occasion, she had almost set herself alight with a twig fire. The local authorities in Aschau held detailed discussions about putting her in a home, but she steadfastly refused to go, and they finally decided to let her die where she had always lived. Mari dimly remembered the two boys who seventy years earlier had kept coming up the mountain with the Haflinger draft pony. Sometimes, when the weather was bad, my brother and I had slept in the hay barn up on the mountain and set off very early the next morning because we had to return the horse and collect our fifty pfennigs before running to school.
Because the way up the Alp had sharp stones that were often hidden under bunches of grass, our feet were always bloodied and sore. In summer, plagued by thirst, we once forced our way into the cow shed on the Schreckalm, and my brother approached a cow to milk her. It was a young heifer, and she gave him such a kick that he came flying out backward. From my time in Sachrang, I can still milk a cow, and I recognize others who can as well, just as you can sometimes identify a lawyer or a butcher. My knowledge of milking came in handy many years later with the astronauts who made up the crew of one of the Space Shuttles. The background there was my fascination with the unmanned mission to Jupiter, which was proving incredibly difficult and had many reverses. The Galileo space probe was finally fired into deep space in 1989 after numerous delays and
changes of plan. To attain the necessary velocity, the probe had to be sent around Venus and twice around Earth, the gravitational pull of both planets producing a kind of sling effect. The undertaking took all of fourteen years, and at the end of the mission, with the probe almost out of fuel, NASA made the decision in 2003 to steer it with the last of its power around one of the moons of Jupiter, then expose it to the gravity of the giant planet. In order not to contaminate the moon (Europa), which is covered over with a thick sheet of ice with a presumably liquid ocean below and possibly forms of microbial life, Galileo was sent into the gaseous atmosphere of Jupiter to burn up as ultraheated plasma. Almost all the scientists and technicians who had been engaged on the project assembled for the death journey of the probe at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, and I had got wind of it. I badly wanted to be there, because I knew that many of the participants would celebrate it with champagne, and as many, I could see, would go into mourning. I couldn’t get approval to be there. I did manage to scramble over the wire fence outside but was unable to get past the guards at the entrance to the control center. A physicist I think of with gratitude to this day recognized me as I was detained by the security staff and called NASA headquarters in DC. The bigwigs were in a meeting, and the man in charge of the group was called out after I had promised not to take up more than sixty seconds of his time. I was in luck. He had seen some of my films and gave the order: “All right, let the madman in with his camera.” What especially impressed me on this day was the way almost everyone was in tears, and that when they could still receive the signals from the space probe loud and clear, it was suddenly announced that the mission was over. Even though
changes of plan. To attain the necessary velocity, the probe had to be sent around Venus and twice around Earth, the gravitational pull of both planets producing a kind of sling effect. The undertaking took all of fourteen years, and at the end of the mission, with the probe almost out of fuel, NASA made the decision in 2003 to steer it with the last of its power around one of the moons of Jupiter, then expose it to the gravity of the giant planet. In order not to contaminate the moon (Europa), which is covered over with a thick sheet of ice with a presumably liquid ocean below and possibly forms of microbial life, Galileo was sent into the gaseous atmosphere of Jupiter to burn up as ultraheated plasma. Almost all the scientists and technicians who had been engaged on the project assembled for the death journey of the probe at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, California, and I had got wind of it. I badly wanted to be there, because I knew that many of the participants would celebrate it with champagne, and as many, I could see, would go into mourning. I couldn’t get approval to be there. I did manage to scramble over the wire fence outside but was unable to get past the guards at the entrance to the control center. A physicist I think of with gratitude to this day recognized me as I was detained by the security staff and called NASA headquarters in DC. The bigwigs were in a meeting, and the man in charge of the group was called out after I had promised not to take up more than sixty seconds of his time. I was in luck. He had seen some of my films and gave the order: “All right, let the madman in with his camera.” What especially impressed me on this day was the way almost everyone was in tears, and that when they could still receive the signals from the space probe loud and clear, it was suddenly announced that the mission was over. Even though
signals continued to come in, it had been calculated in advance that the probe would continue transmitting for a further fifty-two minutes. That was how long the signals from the already defunct, incinerated thing were underway before they reached Earth.
signals continued to come in, it had been calculated in advance that the probe would continue transmitting for a further fifty-two minutes. That was how long the signals from the already defunct, incinerated thing were underway before they reached Earth.
This experience led me to make further inquiries. In an archive, I stumbled upon some wonderful 16 mm recordings that the astronauts had made during their Shuttle mission. I presume they were the only such recordings in that format; the rolls of film were still sealed in their original plastic from the lab; no one had thought to do anything with them. There had, of course, been video recordings of the launching of the probe in 1989, and there may have been 8 mm film before that, but this one crew included an astronaut with a particular interest and ability in film. Other crew members had had a go with the camera, but most of the material was his. I mention this man because he had shot film of extraordinary beauty that made a deep impression on me. He had been a test pilot on all existing types of USAF planes and had also captained a nuclear submarine.
This experience led me to make further inquiries. In an archive, I stumbled upon some wonderful 16 mm recordings that the astronauts had made during their Shuttle mission. I presume they were the only such recordings in that format; the rolls of film were still sealed in their original plastic from the lab; no one had thought to do anything with them. There had, of course, been video recordings of the launching of the probe in 1989, and there may have been 8 mm film before that, but this one crew included an astronaut with a particular interest and ability in film. Other crew members had had a go with the camera, but most of the material was his. I mention this man because he had shot film of extraordinary beauty that made a deep impression on me. He had been a test pilot on all existing types of USAF planes and had also captained a nuclear submarine.
His footage, I quickly decided, together with some shots under the Antarctic ice, should form the basis for my science fiction film called The Wild Blue Yonder. Or better, it could be used to make a story out of its own properties. I wanted the Shuttle astronauts to appear in the film—yes, they were all sixteen years older, but according to my plot, they had been traveling at such extraordinary speeds that some 820 years would have gone by in Earth time. Time was warped. They are coming to land on a depopulated planet. It took a few months before I was able to meet them all at the Johnson Space Center in Houston. In a large hall, chairs had been
His footage, I quickly decided, together with some shots under the Antarctic ice, should form the basis for my science fiction film called The Wild Blue Yonder. Or better, it could be used to make a story out of its own properties. I wanted the Shuttle astronauts to appear in the film—yes, they were all sixteen years older, but according to my plot, they had been traveling at such extraordinary speeds that some 820 years would have gone by in Earth time. Time was warped. They are coming to land on a depopulated planet. It took a few months before I was able to meet them all at the Johnson Space Center in Houston. In a large hall, chairs had been
set up in a semicircle, and the somewhat aged astronauts were sitting on them when I was introduced. I knew they were all distinguished scientists in their own right; of the two female astronauts, one was a biochemist, the other a medical doctor; one of the men was among the most distinguished plasma physicists in the country— all of them no- nonsense professional types. As I said hello to them, I could feel my heart sinking. How could I possibly recruit such personalities for a completely fantastical science fiction film? I told them in a few words about my origins in the Bavarian Alps and watched their expressions as I did. One of them, the pilot, Michael McCulley, had clear, strong features of the kind that are familiar from westerns. I said that, in fact, I wasn’t a creature of the film industry at all but just someone who at the end of the war had learned how to milk cows. Even all these years later, I start to shake when I think of the odds, but I went on to tell them that in the course of my work with actors and faces I could often sense some of the things that lay beneath. I was, for instance, usually able to recognize people who could milk cows. I turned to McCulley and said: “For instance, you, sir, I am willing to bet you know how to milk a cow.” He yelped, banged his thighs, and started miming milking. Yes, indeed, McCulley had grown up on a farm in Tennessee. I don’t even want to think about the bottomless embarrassment I would have found myself in had I been wrong. But the ice was broken, and all the astronauts who appeared in the original 16 mm film agreed to appear in my own movie, aged by 820 years.
set up in a semicircle, and the somewhat aged astronauts were sitting on them when I was introduced. I knew they were all distinguished scientists in their own right; of the two female astronauts, one was a biochemist, the other a medical doctor; one of the men was among the most distinguished plasma physicists in the country— all of them no- nonsense professional types. As I said hello to them, I could feel my heart sinking. How could I possibly recruit such personalities for a completely fantastical science fiction film? I told them in a few words about my origins in the Bavarian Alps and watched their expressions as I did. One of them, the pilot, Michael McCulley, had clear, strong features of the kind that are familiar from westerns. I said that, in fact, I wasn’t a creature of the film industry at all but just someone who at the end of the war had learned how to milk cows. Even all these years later, I start to shake when I think of the odds, but I went on to tell them that in the course of my work with actors and faces I could often sense some of the things that lay beneath. I was, for instance, usually able to recognize people who could milk cows. I turned to McCulley and said: “For instance, you, sir, I am willing to bet you know how to milk a cow.” He yelped, banged his thighs, and started miming milking. Yes, indeed, McCulley had grown up on a farm in Tennessee. I don’t even want to think about the bottomless embarrassment I would have found myself in had I been wrong. But the ice was broken, and all the astronauts who appeared in the original 16 mm film agreed to appear in my own movie, aged by 820 years.
In Sachrang, we children learned how to tickle trout. Trout hide under stones when they sense humans, or they hang motionless under the overhanging grass of a riverbank. But if you reach for them
In Sachrang, we children learned how to tickle trout. Trout hide under stones when they sense humans, or they hang motionless under the overhanging grass of a riverbank. But if you reach for them
cautiously with both hands then grab them firmly, it is possible to catch them. Often, because we were so hungry, we would catch one or two in the Prien on the way to school, imprison them in shallow pools, and collect them on our way home. Mother would then fry them in the pan. I can still see them, freshly killed and heads off, bending in the pan. Sometimes they would even jump about. Our lives were spent largely outdoors; our mother wouldn’t think twice about putting us out for four hours at a stretch even in the depth of winter. As darkness fell, we would be standing gibbering at the door, all our clothes caked with snow. At precisely five o’clock, the door would be thrown open, and our mother would briskly sweep the snow off us with a twig broom before we were allowed inside. She thought fresh air would do us good, and we had a magnificent time, especially as there were hardly any fathers anywhere in the village, so everything was in the best sense anarchic. I was certainly delighted that we didn’t have a drill- sergeant type in the house telling us what to do. We found out for ourselves without being told.
cautiously with both hands then grab them firmly, it is possible to catch them. Often, because we were so hungry, we would catch one or two in the Prien on the way to school, imprison them in shallow pools, and collect them on our way home. Mother would then fry them in the pan. I can still see them, freshly killed and heads off, bending in the pan. Sometimes they would even jump about. Our lives were spent largely outdoors; our mother wouldn’t think twice about putting us out for four hours at a stretch even in the depth of winter. As darkness fell, we would be standing gibbering at the door, all our clothes caked with snow. At precisely five o’clock, the door would be thrown open, and our mother would briskly sweep the snow off us with a twig broom before we were allowed inside. She thought fresh air would do us good, and we had a magnificent time, especially as there were hardly any fathers anywhere in the village, so everything was in the best sense anarchic. I was certainly delighted that we didn’t have a drill- sergeant type in the house telling us what to do. We found out for ourselves without being told.
I recall a calf from the Sturm farm next door lying in the snow at the wood’s edge, dead. At least half a dozen foxes were tugging at the body; at my approach, they fled. When my brother circled the dead calf, another fox suddenly leapt up out of the guts, pressed itself down to the ground, and slunk off. There is something low to the ground about foxes when they are taken by surprise. Much later, in 1982, when I was walking by myself around the periphery of Germany, I was heading into the wind along a forest path. I could suddenly smell a stink of fox, and when I turned a corner, I saw one slinking right in front of me. I had almost caught up to him, walking on tiptoe, when he spun round, crouched down with his hindquar-
I recall a calf from the Sturm farm next door lying in the snow at the wood’s edge, dead. At least half a dozen foxes were tugging at the body; at my approach, they fled. When my brother circled the dead calf, another fox suddenly leapt up out of the guts, pressed itself down to the ground, and slunk off. There is something low to the ground about foxes when they are taken by surprise. Much later, in 1982, when I was walking by myself around the periphery of Germany, I was heading into the wind along a forest path. I could suddenly smell a stink of fox, and when I turned a corner, I saw one slinking right in front of me. I had almost caught up to him, walking on tiptoe, when he spun round, crouched down with his hindquar-
ters pressed to the ground, seemingly listened for his arrested heart to begin beating again, then ran off, still low to the ground. It was only in stag mating season that we really had to be careful. A bicyclist was set upon by a furious stag and fled under a narrow bridge, pursued by the crazed animal. It took the clashing of some empty tin cans to drive him off. There were some eerie encounters. Once, in broad daylight— my brother is my witness—the whole slope behind the house was suddenly alive with weasels, all pouring downhill in the direction of the stream. I don’t think it was a dream, although it’s always a possibility. We had sometimes seen the odd one or two, but this must have been dozens. Lemmings are given to these mass movements, but never in my life did I hear of anything like this ascribed to weasels. A few of them fled between the logs of a woodpile, and I went looking for them but couldn’t find a single one. The surroundings were full of puzzles. On the far side of the stream, on the way to the village, there was a lofty forest of spruce, the socalled Fairy Forest that we were leery of going in. In a tight gorge behind the house was a waterfall with a pool partway down before it plunged into the river that was always full of clear water that was as cold as ice. Occasionally, tree trunks came down it, and that gave the spot some aura of jungle. I saw Sturm Josef— Sepp, we called him— bathing stark naked and scrubbing himself all over with a brush made from some root. He didn’t seem to be a human figure, more like an ancient wodwo overgrown with lichen blowing in the wind.
ters pressed to the ground, seemingly listened for his arrested heart to begin beating again, then ran off, still low to the ground. It was only in stag mating season that we really had to be careful. A bicyclist was set upon by a furious stag and fled under a narrow bridge, pursued by the crazed animal. It took the clashing of some empty tin cans to drive him off. There were some eerie encounters. Once, in broad daylight— my brother is my witness—the whole slope behind the house was suddenly alive with weasels, all pouring downhill in the direction of the stream. I don’t think it was a dream, although it’s always a possibility. We had sometimes seen the odd one or two, but this must have been dozens. Lemmings are given to these mass movements, but never in my life did I hear of anything like this ascribed to weasels. A few of them fled between the logs of a woodpile, and I went looking for them but couldn’t find a single one. The surroundings were full of puzzles. On the far side of the stream, on the way to the village, there was a lofty forest of spruce, the socalled Fairy Forest that we were leery of going in. In a tight gorge behind the house was a waterfall with a pool partway down before it plunged into the river that was always full of clear water that was as cold as ice. Occasionally, tree trunks came down it, and that gave the spot some aura of jungle. I saw Sturm Josef— Sepp, we called him— bathing stark naked and scrubbing himself all over with a brush made from some root. He didn’t seem to be a human figure, more like an ancient wodwo overgrown with lichen blowing in the wind.
