tohow yoube elliemiddleton
40 simple hacks to work with your neurodivergent brain, not against it say goodbye to should, would and could so that you can
how to be you
how to be you
say goodbye to should, would and could so that you can
Ellie Middleton
PE NG UI N LI FE
a n i mp ri n t o f
pe ng ui n boo ks
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To Mum, Dad & Lewis
People joke about having to settle for buying their parents a candle or a box of chocolates for their birthday when they deserve the whole world, and I’ve somehow ended up publishing my first book on Mum’s birthday and my second book on Dad’s. I’m sorry for stealing the limelight (again!), and I hope you know that these achievements are just as much yours as they are mine. Thank you for always supporting me to become who I am in a world that hasn’t always been the kindest. x
Introduction
To be completely honest with you, working out where to start with writing this book got me all tangled up. When I first spoke with my lovely editor, Amy, about the possibility of creating an actionable follow- up to my first book, unmasked , the ADHD novelty hit (which I’m sure so many of you can relate to when starting a new project) kicked in. I felt excited, full of ideas, and eager to share all the many techniques of figuring out how to work with your busy brain rather than against it that I’ve picked up along the way with the world.
In the foreword that I wrote for my wonderful friend Leanne’s book ADHD An A to Z, I shared that ‘Learning how to hack your ADHD – and how to work with your brain rather than against it – is absolutely life-changing. But none of it is rocket science. It’s a series of tiny changes, minute switches and small habits that all add together to make a huge amount of difference to your life.’
Writing this follow-up guide was going to be my chance to pull all those things into one actionable resource . . . This would be super exciting, right?
Right???????
Well, it started out that way. On an initial call discussing the idea with my editor, I reeled off a whole array of possible tasks, worksheets,
learnings and techniques which the book could include. My busy brain was whirring in the way it does best; I was oozing the creativity and enthusiasm which remain my very favourite parts of my interest-led, neurodivergent busy brain.
Then (and I’m sure this will be a very familiar experience for so many of you reading this book), I jumped off the call and did . . .
Nothing.
As a novelty-seeking ADHD er who professes to know quite a bit about her brain, I should probably recognize by now that if I’m not jumping headfirst into a new and exciting project, it’s usually a sign that something is not quite right. But I pushed the thought away, smiled along, and told my friends just how thrilled I was to be cooking up a new book idea . . . While doing absolutely nothing about it behind the scenes.
It took until my next ADHD coaching session, a week later, when I mentioned that I’d been procrastinating about getting started, for me to identify what was really going on. After starting the coaching session by brain-dumping some of the ideas that I’d already shared with my editor, I quickly felt that familiar panicked and agitated feeling rising in my chest. I felt overwhelmed and stressed, and, to be completely honest with you, I had to hold back tears. When my coach asked me exactly what it was about starting this ever-so-exciting project that felt so stressful, I said that it was . . . the whole thing.
First, the fact that, as an autistic ADHD er, there are two constantly opposing sides of my brain that consistently demand entirely different things from me.
One loves structure and routine; one can’t stick to a schedule for the life of her.
One thrives on repeated patterns; one needs novelty to stay interested.
One needs to take things one step at a time; one wants to be doing a hundred different tasks all at once.
One needs to prioritize rest; one needs to be stimulated at all times.
If I, myself, have so many opposing and clashing needs, how could I possibly pull all of those together to create a journal or workbook that was useful to both sides of my own brain – let alone useful to anybody else?
How could I keep it exciting and novel enough for my ADHD brain, while keeping it structured enough for my autistic brain, too?
Second, and leading on from this, I felt overwhelmed because trying to work out how to structure this guide confronted one really big thing that felt really tricky for me to admit (and that came with a big old side order of the dreaded shame we all know so well):
I haven’t ever figured any of this out myself.
Let me be clear: I absolutely, categorically, do not have my shit together . . . By any stretch of the imagination.
Some days I’m frantically running around ticking a million things off my to-do list; some days I’m procrastinating until the very last minute.
Some days I’m too overwhelmed to even get out of bed; some days I’m chronically burned out.
Some days I achieve a million things in record time; some days I achieve nothing at all.
The reason I don’t have a journal or a method or a definitive answer as to how to work with a busy brain already is that I’ve never found one that works – or, even if I have for a short stretch of time, I’ve inevitably fallen off the horse a week or so later. I have a drawer full of desk planners and journals that I’ve been convinced will be the secret to finally getting me organized once and for all, but that now lie unused with only a page or two ever written on. I have a home screen full of apps that promised to be the answer to all my problems, most of which were used for a fortnight at best. Over the last two years, I’ve shared hundreds of tips, tricks, routines and techniques for learning how to work with your neurodivergent brain rather than against it, but, in reality, I’ve never actually figured it out myself.
This is quite an uncomfortable thing to admit – especially when, as someone who grew up undiagnosed, you tend to think of yourself as a ‘fully capable and functional’ human being and, no matter how hard you try to accept your struggles, you are still full to the brim with a whole load of internalized ableism. It’s difficult to be confronted with the fact that actually, being an autistic ADHD er is pretty damn disabling, and that each and every day it can feel like a slog to get even the simplest things done, or to end the day without feeling absolutely frazzled.
However, after a little step back, a few deep breaths, and a couple of conversations with the people I trust the most, I came up with a solution. I realized that I just did not have the answer to a onesize-fits-all, fail-proof, definitive method of how to ‘handle life’ as an
autistic ADHD er – so there was no use desperately trying to dig one up from somewhere. Even if I did find a life-management strategy that felt like it ticked all the right boxes and was The Answer, it was likely that the novelty would wear off soon enough when I tried to implement it myself – and that that would also be the case for so many of the busy brains that the book was designed to support in the first place.
Rather than focusing on what I thought I ‘should’ do, I needed to take a piece of my own advice and, instead, focus on doing what felt best for my brain (and what would, therefore, suit the brains of the other autistic ADHD ers who might come to this book for support, too). Rather than prescribing ‘The Ellie Middleton Method for Life’ (which, quite frankly, was non-existent), I could instead share a whole range of tips, tricks and things to consider when working with a neurodivergent brain, which each reader could pick and choose from to find the combination which best worked for them. Then, whenever the time might come when they inevitably found themselves veering off from the method of choice, they could come back, flick through, and pick a new one.
So, that’s what we have here:
A whole bunch of tips, some of which you might find useful, and some of which you might not.
You won’t be able to implement them all at the same time, but there are enough different ones to (hopefully) keep you engaged, productive and feeling good for a pretty decent period of time. The most important thing is that you approach the task of learning to work with your brain with curiosity; remember that it is a challenge to be solved, a problem to be calculated, and an experiment to be
engaged in. There is no magic wand solution, and there is no onesize-fits-all approach. But, with trial and error, you will find ways of working, living and being that better suit your brain.
Another important thing that I’d like you to know (in case it wasn’t clear from the minor breakdown I’ve just described that occurred when I was faced with this task) is this:
I get it.
You might have come to terms with having the neurodivergent brain that you do, and you might feel committed to being your true, unmasked self, but even if that is the case – which I’m aware it isn’t for many – it is still incredibly tricky sometimes. However much you’re proud of who you are, and however much you’re thankful for finally getting some answers about how your brain works, living with a neurodivergent brain in a neurotypical world can be tough. As I shared in unmasked:
When you are diagnosed with a neurodivergent condition, whether that’s by a medical professional or by researching and self-diagnosing, there is no ‘handbook’ on what to do next. There are no guides, often no therapy, and often no support to turn to. After a medical diagnostic assessment, it’s usually a case of hearing the words, ‘Yes, you do, in fact, have xxx,’ and then leaving your assessment with little more than a cheery wave goodbye, a bucketful of questions and a mountain of unresolved trauma.
There is a real lack of easy-to-digest, accessible or actionable resources out there for you to learn from, but hopefully, this book will be the first step in changing that.
Some of these tips might seem pretty simple – but sometimes, it’s the tiniest changes that can make the biggest difference! I often say that my brain is like a toddler, and I have to trick it into doing what I want it to. If I give my toddler brain a little bit of what it wants, it will, hopefully, give me a little bit of what I want in return. If my brain wants to be a stubborn toddler, I will happily be an even more stubborn parent – and if that means playing games, role- playing, or giving out sweeties as rewards, then so be it!
It’s also incredibly important to remember that a lot of the things that we shame ourselves for, and standards that we get hung up on, are actually just a big old pile of rubbish. We live in a Western society that is incredibly neuronormative, meaning that we tend to take neurotypical ways of being, working and functioning as ‘the norm’ and think that every other way is ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. That simply is not the case, but these neuronormative standards can trick us into believing it to be true, and therefore shaming ourselves, holding ourselves to unrealistic standards, or doing things a certain way because we feel like we ‘should’ rather than for any actual useful reason. We’ll dig into this a little bit more before we get into the chapters themselves, as it’s something very important to have in mind, but I wanted to make it clear right from the get-go that this isn’t going to be a book of hacks of ‘how to appear to be neurotypical when you’re actually neurodivergent’ or ‘how to GirlBoss your way out of ADHD ’, because that is never going to be something that I advocate for.
I really hope that, over the following pages, you’ll find some tips and tricks which will help you to work with your busy brain rather than against it, and to Get Stuff Done while being a happy and healthy human. I also hope that you will feel reminded that there is no moral value to productivity and that you’re allowed to be a human being sometimes, instead of always feeling like a human doing. I really want this to be a book that helps you find ways of navigating the world more easily but, more importantly, of doing it in a way that suits you. I hope that, throughout the book, you’ll find tips and tricks that will help you to be a fuller, truer version of yourself – so you can be YOU .
Good luck – take it slow and steady, and remember that we’re all doing this together. A big part of figuring out your neurodivergence is simply learning to work with your brain rather than against it, and letting go of all the ‘shoulds’ we’ve been told about how we ‘should’ behave, ‘should’ function, ‘should’ do things and ‘should’ feel. One of my very favourite paragraphs from unmasked, which I think is just as important to remember while reading this book, is the following:
If you can learn how to work with your brain rather than against it, discover who you really are under the mask that you have learned to carry throughout your whole life, and work towards accepting and maybe even loving the real you, it really is possible to find a happiness that has always felt just out of reach. I say this because I know it’s true – I
never thought that the level of joy, acceptance for myself and success (whatever that means) that I experience today was something that would ever be available to me, and yet here I am.
See you on the other side!
However much you’re proud of who you are, and however much you’re thankful for finally getting some answers about how your brain works, living with a neurodivergent brain in a neurotypical world can be tough.
A big part of figuring out your neurodivergence is simply learning to work with your brain rather than against it, and letting go of all the ‘shoulds’ we’ve been told about how we ‘should’ behave, ‘should’ function, ‘should’ do things and ‘should’ feel.
How to use this book and what to expect
Before we get started, I think it’s important to remind you that this book is designed to help support you and make your life easier – not to make it trickier or shame you into feeling inadequate. Although I’ll be sharing tips which will (hopefully) help teach you how to work with your brain rather than against it, that doesn’t mean that I’m expecting you to finish reading this book, magically adopt every single tool, skill and strategy, and suddenly become an über-organized #GirlBoss productivity queen. This book is not designed to teach you how to mask, how to make the struggles associated with your neurodivergence ‘disappear’, or how to ‘function’ like a neurotypical person; it’s designed to help you find strategies for working with your brain to do the things that matter, and to let go of the things that don’t.
With that said, I want you to remove any pressure you might be putting on yourself to read this book all in one go, or in the ‘right’ order, or to immediately adopt and implement every single tip as you read it.
If you’ve read my first book, unmasked, you might recognize the way that we’ve structured this second book, too:
• Each chapter can stand alone, so if you’re just looking for a particular something right now, you can jump straight to it, and it will still all make sense.
• Everything will be bite-sized and digestible, written by a whizzy brain, for whizzy brains.
• There is absolutely no pressure whatsoever to read this book in any specific way; what matters is that you use it as a tool to support you. So if you want to read the whole thing from start to finish? That’s fine! If you want to focus on one chapter at a time? Go ahead. If it all feels a little bit overwhelming and you want to read one tip, close the book, and not come back until that habit is formed? That’s perfectly okay.
In short, this book is designed to help you work through any overwhelm, not to add to it – so please know that it is okay to take your time and use it in whichever way feels most helpful for you.
We’ve also recorded how to be you as an audiobook, so you have the option of listening along while you’re reading if you feel as though that might help. If you do choose to listen, I highly recommend cranking the speed up to 1.5x or 2x, as this can help interest-led ADHD brains concentrate.
Now that we’ve got those expectations out of the way, I think it makes sense to start by explaining how I’ve chosen to structure this book and why I thought that might be helpful. As I’ve already mentioned, my aim with this guide is to share a whole range of tips, tricks and things to consider when working with a neurodivergent brain. You won’t be able to implement them all at once; however, you can flick through, take the bits that feel like they might be useful, discard the bits that don’t, and come back and add more to your repertoire as and when you feel it might be helpful. It’s essentially a pick and mix of ‘things to consider
which might make your life a bit easier’, or maybe even something a bit more like Blockbuster – you can borrow the tip (or DVD ) while it helps you, and then bring it back a short while later to exchange it for another.
I’ve decided to structure the tips, tricks and strategies around the eight executive functioning skills that we all have. This is because a considerable part of ADHD , autism, and many other neurodivergences is a difference (not deficit!) in these executive functioning skills.
Executive functioning skills, as described by Harvard University, are ‘the mental processes that enable us to plan, focus attention, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks successfully’. In the same way that an air traffic control system at a busy airport safely manages the arrival and departure of many aircraft across multiple runways, the brain needs our executive functions to filter distractions, prioritize tasks, set and achieve goals, and control our impulses. The eight executive functions are:
1. Working memory – the ability to hold and manipulate information for short-term use.
2. Self-monitoring – the ability to observe and evaluate your own thoughts, behaviours, and actions.
3. Inhibition/impulse control – the ability to resist impulsive urges and hold back from inappropriate or disruptive behaviours.
4. Emotional regulation – the ability to recognize, understand and effectively manage your emotions and reactions to different situations.
5. Flexibility – the ability to adapt and adjust to changing circumstances, perspectives or demands.
6. Planning and prioritization – the ability to create a systematic approach to achieving goals, including breaking tasks into steps and determining their relative importance.
7. Task initiation – the ability to independently begin a task or activity without procrastination or hesitation.
8. Organization – the ability to structure and arrange information, materials or physical spaces.
As you may already know, the word neurodivergent, first coined by Kassiane Asasumasu in 2000, is an umbrella term which includes innate and genetic conditions (including ADHD and autism) as well as acquired or developed conditions. Since anyone who functions in a way that diverges from dominant societal norms, standards and expectations falls under the neurodivergent umbrella, it makes sense that our executive functions would be a big part of what causes us to diverge, and, therefore, informs our identity of being neurodivergent. If the way that you think, learn, behave, communicate, process information or feel emotions diverges from societal norms, you are neurodivergent, and our executive functioning skills play a big part in what causes us to think, learn, behave, communicate, process information and feel emotions in those divergent ways.
It’s also important to point out here that this definition of neurodivergent – anyone who thinks, learns, behaves, communicates, processes information or feels emotions differently from
societal norms – is the one that stands true throughout this book. Although I will often talk about ADHD and autism (because that is the frame of reference that I have personally), when I say neurodivergent I don’t just mean ‘autistic people’ or ‘ADHD ers’. If you have come to this book because the normal ways of working and being don’t work for you, then the label of neurodivergent is yours to claim. If you think, learn, behave, communicate, process information or feel emotions differently from most people, then you are neurodivergent – regardless of whether you have a specific diagnosis or not.
Executive functioning skills are impacted in people with many different neurodivergences. Studies indicate that people with ADHD have approximately a 30% delay in the development of their executive functions, and that adults with ADHD tend to only develop approximately 75–80% of the executive functioning capability of their peers (which are usually fully developed by the age of thirty). Additionally, according to the NHS , ‘some research suggests that up to 80% of those with autism suffer from executive function disorder, leading to difficulties managing time, completing tasks, and making what might be thought of as simple tasks – like cleaning your room – very complicated or seemingly impossible’. The use of the word ‘disorder’ here feels a little icky to me; however, the sentiment stands that ADHD ers, autistic people, and a whole range of other neurodivergent folks can find Getting Stuff Done exceptionally difficult.
For each of the eight executive functions (and therefore the eight main chapters of the book), I have:
• Started out with a clear and simple introduction that will tell you what to expect over the following pages.
• Shared two key quotes for you to remember (feel free to rip these out and stick them somewhere in plain sight, or snap a picture to keep as your phone wallpaper!).
• Followed this with a longer section, digging deeper into what that executive function is, the ways it might impact our lives, the things that might make it tricky for neurodivergent people, and the structures and systems that have informed or impacted the ways we think about that executive function in our society.
• I’ve then shared a quick-fire list of accommodations, reasonable adjustments or ‘things to ask for’ which might help to support neurodivergent brains.
• After the quick-fire list, there are five more in-depth strategies, tools, worksheets or methods which you might want to consider, to equip you to work with your brain rather than against it. (As a reminder, you won’t be able to – and aren’t expected to attempt to! – implement all these tips at the same time; they are there as more of a pick-and-mix for you to choose the strategies that might feel helpful and leave the others behind for another time.)
• Finally, I’ve condensed the chapter down into a little recap section and shared some final takeaways for you to consider.
Hopefully, this structure will feel bite-sized and actionable and leave you walking away with lots of things to consider and think
about – without feeling overwhelmed or pressured in any way to implement the changes into your life.
As well as making you think about the ways that you support and accommodate your own brain, I hope you will walk away questioning how our society currently functions. Perhaps, like me, you will also realize that many of the neuronormative systems and rules that we feel pressured to follow aren’t actually effective, or helpful, or necessary to carry forward. Hopefully, you will be able to let go of any shame that you might have felt in the past about the way that you have (or haven’t) been able to ‘function’, think, learn, behave and process, and finally be more you.
What defines our view of
executive functioning?
In the Introduction, I briefly touched on the shame that we might have been made to feel for the way that our brains work. To follow on from this, I think it’s essential that, before getting into any of the specific executive functioning skills or arming ourselves with ways to better accommodate our brains, we take some time to set the scene regarding the history and culture that have led us to think of executive functions in the way that we do. Many of the ways that our executive functioning skills are framed, and many of the standards we get hung up on, and therefore things that we might shame ourselves for, are (for want of a better word) a made-up pile of rubbish. The ‘right way’ of doing things, or of being, is a social construct defined by the systems and biases that inform almost every aspect of our society, including:
• White supremacy
• Patriarchy
• Capitalism
• Colonialism
• Ableism
These systems of oppression, I’m sure you will agree, are each incredibly meaty, complicated and nuanced topics, which
individually would require multiple books to properly do them justice. I obviously do not have the space to do that here, and I am also very aware of the fact that as a White, British, cisgender, economically privileged woman, I am probably not the best person to speak on each of these systems of oppression – as many of them I will have benefited from hugely throughout the course of my life.
However, I believe that in order to unlearn the ‘shoulds’ that society has enforced on us our entire lives, to allow ourselves to have the space to do things differently, and to let go of shame, we must have a basic understanding of each of these systems of oppression. The following pages should start to give you a fundamental understanding of these, which will be helpful to bear in mind while we explore the eight executive functioning skills throughout the rest of the book. However, I urge you to go on to do further reading, listening, learning and questioning about each of these subjects, and especially to listen to those whose intersecting identities of race, gender, sexuality and disability mean that they are marginalized by multiple systems of oppression.
In this chapter, we will explore:
• Which systems of oppression have impacted the way we think about executive functioning?
• How do these systems define what is considered ‘normal’ vs ‘disordered’?
• What can we do to begin to resist these systems of oppression and exist in a way that feels true to us?
To begin to let go of shame, we must have a basic understanding of the systems of oppression that inform the hierarchy, rules, expectations and demands of Western society.
We
fear not being good enough, not feeling accepted, not belonging, and not doing things right.
White supremacy
White supremacy, as defined by Layla F. Saad in her incredibly powerful book Me and White Supremacy: How to Recognise Your Privilege, Combat Racism and Change the World, is ‘a racist ideology based upon the belief that White people are superior in many ways to people of other races and that, therefore, White people should be dominant over other races’. Saad (who, since writing Me and White Supremacy, has discovered her own neurodivergence later in life) goes on to explain that ‘White supremacy is not just an attitude or way of thinking. It also extends to how systems and institutions are structured to uphold this White dominance.’ Many people incorrectly believe that White supremacy is a belief only held by far-right extremists, but, in reality, it is a racist and harmful undercurrent that runs through all White-centred or Western societies and, therefore, informs our norms, rules and laws.
In 1999, Tema Okun published an article called ‘White Supremacy Culture’, which listed fifteen characteristics that she and her late colleague Kenneth Jones believed define and shape our society. This article has since been updated and expanded, and the characteristics that Okun outlines explain the way that these White supremacy characteristics impact the way that humans are behaving, living and functioning in Western society. As I’m sure you will see, these ways of behaving and functioning are very closely related to our earlier list of executive functioning skills and, therefore, have a huge impact
on what we consider to be ‘normal’. Below is a list of some of the key characteristics that affect our overarching relationship with what we deem to be ‘normal’ executive functioning vs executive ‘dysfunction’, and you will also meet some more of Okun’s characteristics throughout the rest of the book, as we dig a little more deeply into each of the executive functions.
As you read through the characteristics, it might be helpful to reflect (or make notes) on the ways that these characteristics show up for you, or the times that you have experienced them in action in other people’s behaviour. It is really important that we identify the ways that White supremacy affects our society, and to remember that you are not alone and that we are all impacted by these ways of being. When we begin to identify the biases that have shaped our society, or the ‘shoulds’ that have been imposed upon us, we can let go of them and find ways of working, functioning and behaving that work better for each of us, both as individuals and as a collective.
1. Fear
In White supremacy culture, we are made to feel afraid. We fear not being good enough, not feeling accepted, not belonging, and not doing things right. This characteristic is an undercurrent throughout all of the other characteristics and informs the way that we behave and make decisions because we are always desperately trying to avoid the ‘bad’ thing that would be the result of not doing as we’re supposed to – whether that is perceived failure, ostracization or any other consequence.
How fear influences how we feel we ‘should’ behave: – We often feel that we must behave, work, or function in the ways deemed ‘normal’ or we will be criticized or ostracized.
– Our society imposes a constant fear of failure or of not being good enough, which might lead us to assign moral value to the ways that we function (e.g. our productivity levels), putting more pressure on us to work in a certain way.
– We fear the consequences of not being able to function or ‘do things’ in the way that other people can, and so often work incredibly hard behind the scenes to keep up appearances.
2. Perfectionism
Perfectionism is the belief that things can be done perfectly, or that people can be (and should aim to be) ‘perfect’, based on a socially constructed standard. This constant striving for perfection reinforces White supremacy culture because, while we are focused on working towards ‘perfection’ (whatever ‘perfect’ means), our energy and attention are being used up, and so we might never get the chance to stop and ask ourselves why we’re working so hard towards this so-called perfection (which is most likely just to keep perpetuating our White supremacy, capitalist culture) – i.e. to realize that this benefits the White supremacy culture that we are all living in. Perfection is also something that is seen as a fixed point to
strive towards or a destination to arrive at (although we never quite seem to get there), rather than recognizing that this endless pursuit is pointless, as we are all born perfect.
How perfectionism influences how we feel we ‘should’ behave:
– An emphasis on perfectionism means that we’re always striving to be more productive or achieve more things, rather than accepting that we’re fine just the way we are and instead questioning the systems in place.
– As a society, we constantly push ourselves to our limits to ‘improve’ or ‘grow’, even when it doesn’t suit us, which means that we assign a disproportionate amount of significance to our executive functioning capabilities like organization or prioritization.
– It encourages us to see things in a very black-andwhite way, which means that we might think that if we are not ‘perfect’, then we have outright failed – rather than acknowledging that there is no such thing as perfect and that ‘good’ is good enough.
3. One Right Way
Linked to perfectionism, One Right Way is the belief that there is one correct way to do something, and any divergence or difference from that way is seen to be ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’. Okun compares this to how a missionary might arrive in a new culture and only
see value in their own beliefs, and try to ‘convert’ the people they meet to these personal beliefs, rather than acknowledging any value in the culture that is different from their own.
For me, this reminded me of how, in maths exams at school, you were given marks for the ‘working out’ that led you to your answer – and if you hadn’t used the techniques that had been taught in the curriculum, you could lose marks even when getting to the correct answer. As someone whose brain has often diverged from the ‘right’ way of doing things and who doesn’t value social constructs in the same way that most people might, I have definitely felt the effects of One Right Way!
How One Right Way influences how we feel we ‘should’ behave:
– One Right Way causes us to think that we have to do things ‘the way they have always been done’, even if that way doesn’t suit our brains. This forces us to work against our brain’s natural ways of thinking, functioning and processing.
– We are held to neuronormative ways of living and doing things rather than appreciating that everyone has different ways of working, behaving, thinking and being.
– Society often tells us that we ‘just have to get on with it’, and frequently deters us from questioning the established ways of doing things.
4. Paternalism
Paternalism tells us that certain people (often of a specific age, gender and race, namely older, White men) are the ones who hold power and, therefore, get to define what is ‘perfect’ or ‘the right way’. They also get to make decisions on behalf of the people who don’t hold the same power they do and might not think that it is important or necessary to consider other people’s thoughts, beliefs, viewpoints or experiences. Think of when you would ask your parents something as a child, and their answer would be, ‘Because I said so!’ Paternalism feels very apparent in the UK Government at the time of writing (Winter 2023), as a small number of people in the Tory leadership continue to make decisions in Parliament regarding foreign affairs, immigration, benefits, transport, social support and many other things, which don’t seem to, in any way, reflect the needs, beliefs or wants of the majority of the population which the Government was designed to serve. Paternalism means that those without power are kept in the dark about decisionmaking processes, even when they are the people who will most feel the impact of those decisions.
How paternalism influences how we feel we ‘should’ behave: – As I explored in unmasked, the diagnostic criteria for many neurodivergences, including both autism and ADHD , are based on research done on almost exclusively young, White, cis boys.