THE PRESHUTIAN p
VOL. XLIX.—No. 741. OCTOBER 17TH, 1914.
KILLED IN ACTION.
Price 6d.
Beazley, Sec.-Lieut. L. S. W., Wiltshire Regt., Sept. 20th, aged 22.
Hickman, Lieut. M. E., Worcestershire Regt., aged 20.
Milling, Lieut. L., Gordon Highlanders, aged 23.
Roseveare, Sec.- Lieut. C. C., Royal Munster Fusiliers, Mons, August 27th, aged 22.
Scott-Moncrieff, Capt. M. M., King’s (Liverpool) Regiment, Sept. 20th, aged 25.
Straker, Sec.- Lieut. H. A., Royal Munster Fusiliers, Mons, August 27th, aged 18.
DIED OF WOUNDS.
Conlon, Lieut. G. T., West Yorkshire Regt., aged 21.
Cuthbert-Smith, Lieut. S., Northumberland Fusiliers, Mons, August 24th, aged 18.
Hill, Lieut. A., 19th Lancers, Indian Army, aged 19. WOUNDED.
Day, Lieut. H. J., Middlesex Regt.
Hattersley, Major F. K., Royal Field Artillery.
Le Hunte, Lieut. R. Royal Scots.
Matterson, Sec.-Lieut. A. R., Bedfordshire Regt.
Parsonage, Sec.-Lieut. D. K., Somerset Light Infantry.
In Memoriam.
Lieutenant S. Cuthbert-Smith
(Killed at Mons, August 24th, aged 18.)
Anyone reading THE PRESHUTIAN in the past two years will remember Cuthbert-Smith as the facetious editor of that publication. He had won a scholarship to Balliol College, Oxford, where he would have studied Classics. But Cuthbert-Smith could never have been a scholar. There was too much of the soldier in him. The following description of his death was written by his commanding officer:—“In a wild push to capture a German machine gun, Cuthbert-Smith was shot in the stomach. Due to enemy fire, we were unable to remove him to a local cave that was in use as a hospital until 5 a.m. the next morning. Brave chap only asked for a bit of morphia so that he wouldn’t disturb the others. He died quite painlessly and weren’t we sad to lose such a gallant fellow! It was a true soldier’s death.” We at Preshute can only regret his loss and envy his noble death, which any one of us would gladly suffer for our country.
S. A. Ward
Second Lieutenant C. C. Roseveare
(Killed at Mons, August 27th, aged 22.)
Preshute has suffered many blows since the outbreak of war, but none hit us harder than the death of Clarence Roseveare. He leaves behind two brothers in the Sixth Form, including our illustrious Head Boy. Clarence himself was Head Boy. But his death, like his life, was honourable and manly, coming close to touching perfection in its English gallantry.
Extract from a letter from his Commanding Officer:— “He came past me with a very cheerful face, and laughing, under a very hearty cross-fire from machine guns, and sang out to me, ‘Shall I push on?’ and I answered, ‘Go on, laddie, as hard as you can.’ Poor lad, he was shot through the heart shortly after. I placed him in a trench, hoping that the wound would not be fatal. The only words to me were, ‘Don’t mind me.’ When I (cont. pg. 3)
ONE
Ellwood was a prefect, so his room that year was a splendid one, with a window that opened onto a strange outcrop of roof. He was always scrambling around places he shouldn’t. It was Gaunt, however, who truly loved the roof perch. He liked watching boys dipping in and out of Fletcher Hall to pilfer biscuits, prefects swanning across the grass in Court, the organ master coming out of Chapel. It soothed him to see the school functioning without him, and to know that he was above it.
Ellwood also liked to sit on the roof. He fashioned his hands into guns and shot at the passers-by.
“Bloody Fritz! Got him in the eye! Take that home to the Kaiser!”
Gaunt, who had grown up summering in Munich, did not tend to join in these soldier games.
Balancing e Preshutian on his knee as he turned the page, Gaunt nished reading the last “In Memoriam.” He had known seven of the nine boys killed. e longest “In Memoriam” was for Clarence Roseveare, the older brother of one of Ellwood’s friends. As to Gaunt’s own friend—and enemy—Cuthbert-Smith, a measly paragraph had sufced to sum him up. Both boys, e Preshutian assured him, had died gallant deaths. Just like every other Preshute student who had been killed so far in the War.
“Pow!” muttered Ellwood beside him. “Auf Wiedersehen!”
Gaunt took a long drag of his cigarette and folded up the paper.
“ ey’ve got rather more to say about Roseveare than about Cuthbert-Smith, haven’t they?”
Ellwood’s guns turned back to hands. Nimble, long- ngered, ink-stained.
“Yes,” he said, patting his hair absentmindedly. It was dark and unruly. He kept it slicked back with wax, but lived in fear of a stray curl coming un xed and drawing the wrong kind of attention to himself. “Yes, I thought that was a shame.”
“Shot in the stomach!” Gaunt’s hand went automatically to his own. He imagined it opened up by a streaking piece of metal. Messy.
“Roseveare’s cut up about his brother,” said Ellwood. “ ey were awfully close, the three Roseveare boys.”
“He seemed all right in the dining hall.”
“He’s not one to make a fuss,” said Ellwood, frowning. He took Gaunt’s cigarette, scrupulously avoiding touching Gaunt’s hand as he did so. Despite Ellwood’s tactile relationship with his other friends, he rarely laid a nger on Gaunt unless they were play- ghting. Gaunt would have died rather than let Ellwood know how it bothered him.
Ellwood took a drag and handed the cigarette back to Gaunt.
“I wonder what my ‘In Memoriam’ would say,” he mused.
“ ‘Vain boy dies in freak umbrella mishap. Investigations pending.’ ”
“No,” said Ellwood. “No, I think something more like ‘English literature today has lost its brightest star . . . !’ ” He grinned at Gaunt, but Gaunt did not smile back. He still had his hand on his stomach, as if his guts would spill out like Cuthbert-Smith’s if he moved it. He saw Ellwood take this in.
“I’d write yours, you know,” said Ellwood, quietly.
“All in verse, I suppose.”
“Of course. As Tennyson did, for Arthur Hallam.”
Ellwood frequently compared himself to Tennyson and Gaunt to Tennyson’s closest friend. Mostly, Gaunt found it charming, except when he remembered that Arthur Hallam had died at the age of twenty-two and Tennyson had spent the next seventeen years writing grief poetry. en Gaunt found it all a bit morbid, as if Ellwood wanted him to die, so that he would have something to write about.
Gaunt had kneed Cuthbert-Smith in the stomach, once. How di erent did a bullet feel from a blow?
· IN MEMORIAM ·
“Your sister thought Cuthbert-Smith was rather good-looking,” said Ellwood. “She told me at Lady Asquith’s, last summer.”
“Did she?” asked Gaunt, unenthusiastically. “Awfully nice of her to con de in you like that.”
“Maud’s A1,” said Ellwood, standing abruptly. “Capital sort of girl.” A bit of slate crumbled under his feet and fell to the ground, three stories below.
“Christ, Elly, don’t do that!” said Gaunt, clutching the window ledge. Ellwood grinned and clambered back into the bedroom.
“Come on in, it’s wet out there,” he said.
Gaunt hurriedly took another breath of smoke and dropped his cigarette down a drainpipe. Ellwood was splayed out on the sofa, but when Gaunt sat on his legs, he curled them hastily out of the way.
“You loathed Cuthbert-Smith,” said Ellwood.
“Yes. Well. I shall miss loathing him.”
Ellwood laughed.
“You’ll nd someone new to hate. You always do.”
“Undoubtedly,” said Gaunt. But that wasn’t the point. He had written nasty poems about Cuthbert-Smith, and Cuthbert-Smith (Gaunt was almost certain it was him) had scrawled, “Henry Gaunt is a German SPY” on the wall of the library cloakroom. Gaunt had punched him for that, but he would never have shot him in the stomach.
“I think I believe he’ll be back next term, smug and full of tall tales from the front,” said Ellwood, slowly.
“Maybe none of them will come back.”
“ at sort of defeatist attitude will lose us the War.” Ellwood cocked his head. “Henry. Old Cuthbert-Smith was an idiot. He probably walked straight into a bullet for a lark. at’s not what it will be like when we go.”
“I’m not signing up.”
Ellwood wrapped his arms around his knees, staring at Gaunt.
“Rot,” he said.
“I’m not against all war,” said Gaunt. “I’m just against this war. ‘German militarism’—as if we didn’t hold our empire through military might! Why should I get shot at because some Austrian archduke was killed by an angry Serb?”
“But Belgium—”
· 5 ·
“Yes, yes, Belgian atrocities,” said Gaunt. ey had discussed all this before. ey had even debated it, and Ellwood had beaten him, 596 votes to 4. Ellwood would have won any debate: the school loved him.
“But you have to enlist,” said Ellwood. “If the War is even still on when we nish school.”
“Why? Because you will?”
Ellwood clenched his jaw and looked away.
“You will ght, Gaunt,” he said.
“Oh, yes?”
“You always ght. Everyone.” Ellwood rubbed a small at spot on his nose with one nger. He o en did that. Gaunt wondered if Ellwood resented that he had punched it there. ey had only fought once. It hadn’t been Gaunt who started it.
“I don’t ght you,” he said.
“
ϒνῶθι σεαυτόν,” said Ellwood.
“I do know myself!” said Gaunt, lunging at Ellwood to smother him with a pillow, and for a moment neither of them could talk, because Ellwood was squirming and shrieking with laughter while Gaunt tried to wrestle him o the sofa. Gaunt was strong, but Ellwood was quicker, and he slipped through Gaunt’s arms and fell to the oor, helpless with laughter. Gaunt hung his head over the side, and they pressed their foreheads together.
“Fighting like this, you mean?” said Gaunt, when they had got their breath back. “Wrestle the Germans to death?”
Ellwood stopped laughing, but he didn’t move his forehead. ey were still for a moment, hard skull against hard skull, until Ellwood pulled away and leant his face into Gaunt’s arm.
All of Gaunt’s muscles tensed at the movement. Ellwood’s breath was hot. It reminded Gaunt of his dog back home, Trooper. Perhaps that was why he ru ed Ellwood’s hair, his ngers searching for strands the wax had missed. He hadn’t stroked Ellwood’s hair in years, not since they were thirteen-year-olds in their rst year at Preshute and he would nd Ellwood huddled in a heap of tears under his desk.
But they were in Upper Sixth now, their nal year, and almost never touched each other.
Ellwood was very still.
· IN MEMORIAM ·
“You’re like my dog,” said Gaunt, because the silence was heavy with something.
Ellwood tugged away.
“ anks.”
“It’s a good thing. I’m very fond of dogs.”
“Right. Anything you’d like me to fetch? I’m starting to get the hang of newspapers, although my teeth still leave marks.”
“Don’t be da .”
Ellwood laughed a little unhappily.
“I’m sad about Roseveare and Cuthbert-Smith too, you know,” he said.
“Oh, yes,” said Gaunt. “And Straker. Remember how you two used to tie the younger boys to chairs and beat them all night?”
It had been years since Ellwood bullied anyone, but Gaunt knew he was still ashamed of the vein of ungovernable violence that burnt through him. Just last term, Gaunt had seen him cry tears of rage when he lost a cricket match. Gaunt hadn’t cried since he was nine.
“Straker and I were much less rotten than the boys in the year above were to us,” said Ellwood, his face red. “Charlie Pritchard shot us with ri e blanks.”
Gaunt smirked, conscious that he was taunting Ellwood because he felt he had embarrassed himself by touching his hair. It was the sort of thing Ellwood did to other boys all the time, he reasoned with himself. Yes, a voice answered. But never to him.
“I wasn’t close with Straker, anyway,” said Ellwood. “He was a brute.”
“All your friends are brutes, Ellwood.”
“I’m tired of all this.” Ellwood stood. “Let’s go for a walk.” ey were forbidden to leave their rooms during prep, so they had to slip quietly out of Cemetery House. ey crept down the back stairs, past the study where their housemaster, Mr. Hammick, was berating a Shell boy for sneaking. (Preshute was a younger public school, and eagerly used the terminology of older, more prestigious institutions: Shell for rst year, Remove for second, Hundreds for third, followed by Lower and Upper Sixth.)
“It is a low and dishonourable thing, Gosset. Do you wish to be low and dishonourable?”
· 7 ·
“No, sir,” whimpered the unfortunate Gosset.
“Poor chap,” said Ellwood when they had shut the back door behind them. ey walked down the gravel path into the graveyard that gave Cemetery House its name. “ e Shell have been perfectly beastly to him, just because he told them all on his rst day that he was a duke.”
“Is he?” asked Gaunt, skimming the tops of tombstones with his ngertips as he walked.
“Yes, he is, but that’s the sort of thing one ought to let people discover. It’s rather like me introducing myself by saying, ‘Hello, I’m Sidney Ellwood, I’m devastatingly attractive.’ It’s not for me to say.”
“If you’re waiting for me to con rm your vanity—”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” said Ellwood with a cheery little skip. “I haven’t had a compliment from you in about three months. I know, because I always write them down and put them in a drawer.”
“Peacock.”
“Well, the point is, Gosset has been thoroughly sat on by the rest of his form, and I feel awfully sorry for him.”
ey were coming to the crumbling Old Priory at the bottom of the graveyard. It was getting colder and wetter as night fell. e sky darkened to navy blue, and in the wind their tailcoats billowed. Gaunt hugged his arms around himself. ere was something expectant about winter evenings at Preshute. It was the contrast, perhaps, between the hulking hills behind the school, the black forest, the windswept meadows, all so silent—and the crackling loudness of the boys when you returned to House. Walking through the empty elds, they might have been the only people le alive. Ellwood lived in a grand country estate in East Sussex, but Gaunt had grown up in London. Silence was distinctly magical.
“Listen,” said Ellwood, closing his eyes and tilting up his face. “Can’t you just imagine the Romans thrashing the Celts if you’re quiet?”
ey stopped.
Gaunt couldn’t imagine anything through the silence.
“Do you believe in magic?” he asked. Ellwood paused for a while, so long that if he had been anyone else, Gaunt might have repeated the question.
“I believe in beauty,” said Ellwood, nally.
“Yes,” said Gaunt, fervently. “Me too.” He wondered what it was like
· IN MEMORIAM ·
to be someone like Ellwood, who contributed to the beauty of a place, rather than blighting it.
“It’s a form of magic, all this,” said Ellwood, walking on. “Cricket and hunting and ices on the lawn on summer a ernoons. England is magic.”
Gaunt had a feeling he knew what Ellwood was going to say next. “ at’s why we’ve got to ght for it.”
Ellwood’s England was magical, thought Gaunt, picking his way around nettles. But it wasn’t England. Gaunt had been to the East End once, when his mother took him to give soup and bread to Irish weavers. ere had been no cricket or hunting or ices, there. But Ellwood had never been interested in ugliness, whereas Gaunt—because of Maud, perhaps, because she read Bernard Shaw and Bertrand Russell and wrote mad things about the colonies in her letters—feared that ugliness was too important to ignore.
“Do you remember the Peloponnesian War?” said Gaunt.
Ellwood let out a breathy laugh. “Honestly, Gaunt, I don’t know why I bother with you. We skipped prep so that we wouldn’t have to think about ucydides.”
“Athens was the greatest power in Europe, perhaps even the world. ey had democracy, art, splendid architecture. But Sparta was almost as powerful. Not quite, but close enough. And Sparta was militaristic.”
“Is this a parable, Gaunt? Are you Christ?”
“And so the Athenians fought the Spartans.”
“And they lost,” said Ellwood, kicking at a rotting log.
“Yes.”
Ellwood didn’t answer for a long time.
“We won’t lose,” he said, nally. “We’re the greatest empire that’s ever been.”
ey were in Hundreds the rst time they got drunk together. Gaunt was sixteen and Ellwood een. Pritchard had somehow—“at great personal cost,” he told them darkly—convinced his older brother to give him ve bottles of cheap whisky. ey locked themselves in the bathroom at the top of Cemetery House: Pritchard, West, Roseveare,
· 9 ·
Ellwood, and Gaunt. Ellwood, Gaunt later discovered, had insisted on buying his bottle o Pritchard. Ellwood had a morbid fear of being perceived as miserly.
West spat his rst mouthful of whisky into the sink. He was a bigeared, clumsy, disastrous sort of person: stupid at lessons, average at games, a cheerful failure.
“Christ alive! at’s abominable stu ,” he said. His tie was crooked. It always was, no matter how many times he was punished for sloppiness.
“Keep drinking,” advised Roseveare, from his lazy position on the oor. Gaunt glanced at him and noticed with some irritation that, even dishevelled, he was immaculate. He was the youngest of three perfect Roseveare boys, each more exemplary than the last, and he was goodlooking in a careless, gilded way that Gaunt resented.
“I quite like it,” said Ellwood, turning his bottle to look at the label. “Perhaps I shall develop a habit. I think Byron had a habit.”
“So do monks,” said Gaunt.
“ at was nearly funny, Gaunt,” said Roseveare encouragingly. “You’ll get there.”
Gaunt took a swig of whisky. He didn’t much like the taste, but it made him feel light, as if people weren’t looking at him. Or, perhaps, it made him feel as if he shouldn’t mind it if they did. He climbed into the bathtub and sank out of sight, clutching the bottle to his chest.
“Lord Byron was a sodomite,” said West, with the air of someone imparting an important state secret.
Gaunt closed his eyes.
“My father told me,” West continued. “Said he ought to have been shot.”
“Your father thinks everyone ought to be shot,” said Roseveare.
“Not everyone,” protested West.
“Well, let’s see,” said Pritchard, counting on his ngers. He was on the cistern, his knees bracketing West, who sat on the toilet lid. “ ere are the homosexuals, the Catholics, the Irish, and anyone who doesn’t like dogs.”
Pritchard was a forgettable-looking person, and people did tend to forget him, because Charlie Pritchard was an athlete and Archie Pritchard was a scholar, whereas Bertie Pritchard—commonly known
· IN MEMORIAM ·
by the older boys as “Mini,” which he hated—didn’t know yet what he was good for. Nothing much, as far as Gaunt could see. But Ellwood liked him.
“You’ve forgotten the poor,” said Ellwood, climbing into the bath with Gaunt. “ e Great Unwashed.” He settled himself between Gaunt’s legs and sat facing him.
“Oh, and the Jews, of course,” said Pritchard. “Can’t leave them out. Bad luck, Ellwood.”
“I’m Church of England,” said Ellwood mildly.
“What do you say, West?” asked Pritchard. “Does conversion cut it with the Squire?”
“Look—” said West.
“Are you circumcised, Ellwood?” asked Pritchard.
Ellwood smiled easily, as if he weren’t the least disturbed by the question of his Jewishness.
“Shall we have West’s father check?” he asked.
He wasn’t circumcised. Gaunt knew, had noticed before, in the showers. He stayed silent.
“He isn’t,” said Roseveare. “Not that it will matter, West’s father is very de nite. ’Fraid it’s death for poor old Ellwood.”
“Now—” said West.
“Alas,” interrupted Ellwood, stretching back in the tub with a sad smile. “And there was so much I wanted to do! Still—what’s that Euripides quotation I’m thinking of, Gaunt—about death?”
“Πάσιν ημίν κατθανείν οφείλεται,” said Gaunt.
“ at’s right. ‘Death is a debt which every one of us must pay.’ If I’m to die tragically young, I suppose it may as well be for West’s father.”
“All right, all right,” said West. “I never said I agreed with him.” He rested his chin on Pritchard’s knee so that he could better see Ellwood in the bath.
“No, really, don’t let me dissuade you,” said Ellwood. “A bit of bloodletting is just what this country needs. I’m with your father. Slaughter everyone, why not?”
“Stop winding up poor West; he hasn’t the brains for it,” said Pritchard, in a lo y tone that suggested Pritchard was a known sage.
“I have plenty of brains!” protested West.
· 11 ·
“By the way, Pritchard,” said Ellwood, “just what did you have to do for your brother to procure us such excellent drink?”
“It’s unspeakable,” said Pritchard, shaking his head. “Su ce to say, you all owe me some tuck.”
“Pritchard Major made him lick his shoes in front of the Upper Sixth,” said West. Pritchard twisted his hair. “Ouch! Lay o !”
“I told you that in con dence!”
“Did you really lick his shoes? Which ones?” asked Ellwood.
“What do you mean, which ones? Why should that make a di erence?”
“No, that’s fair,” said West. “I wouldn’t mind nibbling on a shoelace if it was from someone’s Sunday best.”
“It’s important to have standards,” agreed Roseveare.
“Right. Give me back my whisky. I shall nd more grateful recipients.”
Ellwood pressed his leg against Gaunt’s and grinned as Pritchard tried to wrestle West’s bottle from him. Gaunt leant his cheek against the cool porcelain and smiled back.
Two hours later, Gaunt was still only tipsy, but Ellwood was absolutely sozzled. He turned around in the bathtub and leant his back against Gaunt’s chest, one hand resting on Gaunt’s thigh, the other clutching the bottle. Gaunt’s entire brain focused on the heat of Ellwood’s back against his chest, the graceful, haphazard hand on his thigh.
Gaunt shi ed his groin minutely back. A protective measure.
“I had a second cousin on the Titanic,” Roseveare was saying. It was 1913, and the Titanic was the subject of frequent and fascinated discussion. Roseveare and Pritchard lay on the oor. West had inelegantly wedged himself into the sink and was whistling “ e Blue Danube.” He had been whistling it for forty- ve minutes.
Ellwood’s head lolled back onto Gaunt’s shoulder.
“What?” asked Gaunt.
“What do you mean, ‘What’?”
“You just went all cloudy and glum.”
Ellwood hesitated before speaking.
“It’s Maitland,” he said, in a low voice. “You know he’s leaving at the end of the year.”
· IN MEMORIAM ·
Gaunt was glad Ellwood couldn’t see his face, because he couldn’t make up his mind as to what to do with it.
All the way through Shell and Remove, Ellwood was continually summoned to John Maitland’s study “to discuss the lower-school teams.” Maitland played outside right on the football First XI, and accordingly was worshipped by the whole school, from the lo iest master to the lowliest new boy. He could do as he pleased. Not that anyone would ever have said so explicitly—what boys did together in the dark was only acceptable if obscure. It was unspoken, invisible and, crucially: temporary. ere was no doubt in Gaunt’s mind that both Maitland and Ellwood would cast aside their immaturity and marry respectable young women when they le Oxford or Cambridge.
But for now, they were particular friends.
“I’m very fond of him,” said Ellwood.
Pritchard and Roseveare were still discussing the Titanic.
“I should be ashamed to survive something like that,” said Pritchard.
“It does seem unmanly,” said Roseveare.
“Just . . .” continued Ellwood, “. . . not the way I’m fond of . . .” He trailed o .
“My sister?” o ered Gaunt. Ellwood laughed rather unpleasantly.
“Yes, Gaunt, your sister,” he said.
Roseveare sat up abruptly and peered at them in the tub.
“You two look awfully cosy.”
Gaunt tried to push Ellwood o him, but Ellwood wouldn’t budge.
“Don’t embarrass him, Roseveare, or he won’t be my cushion any more,” he said.
Roseveare laughed.
“Only you would dare use Gaunt as a cushion.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Gaunt, automatically balling his hands into sts.
“Only that you’d punch the living daylights out of anyone else who tried it,” said Roseveare.
“I’ll punch you if you don’t stop sticking your nose where it’s not wanted,” said Gaunt.
Ellwood hushed him, laughing a little, and Gaunt unclenched his hands.
· 13 ·
“What are you two discussing, anyway?” asked Roseveare.
“Girls,” said Ellwood.
“Hmm. Carry on,” said Roseveare, dropping back to his elbows.
“Say you were on a sinking ship,” said Pritchard, as if Roseveare had never le . “Wouldn’t you rather drown than live, knowing you’d been a slimy little coward?”
“Oh, certainly,” said Roseveare. “Anyone would.”
“I wonder how the girls were, as the ship went down,” said Pritchard.
“Quite desperate for comfort, I expect,” said Roseveare. Pritchard gave a lecherous sort of laugh.
Gaunt leant into Ellwood’s ear until his lips almost touched it, so that no one could hear him.
“I’m sure Maitland feels the same way,” he said. “You’re just passing the time until you can marry Maud, aren’t you?”
Ellwood sighed. “Yes, I suppose so.” He pressed his forehead into Gaunt’s neck. Gaunt gripped the edges of the tub. “I’m sorry, I know it makes you uncomfortable when I talk about him.”
It did. From everything Ellwood told Gaunt about Maitland, and from what Gaunt could see for himself, Maitland was only a step removed from a Renaissance prince. He was handsome and talented and brilliant, and yet Ellwood didn’t want him. If Maitland wasn’t capable of keeping Ellwood’s a ections . . . !
Ellwood gave easily of himself, always had, but to Gaunt it had never seemed like a true sign of his feelings. Ellwood just liked being loved.
“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” said Gaunt, uncomfortably.
“Yes, it does. I can feel how tense you’ve gone now,” said Ellwood. He put one hand on Gaunt’s neck. “Like you’re waiting for me to hit you.”
“I don’t mind you making me uncomfortable, Elly,” said Gaunt so ly. Ellwood turned his head on Gaunt’s shoulder to look at him. His lids were heavy with alcohol, but the irises were just the same as always. Luminously brown. Gaunt was struck by a drunk—or stupid—or brave impulse to tilt his face forward.
He didn’t.
Ellwood’s ngers curled on Gaunt’s thigh, sending excruciating tingles up his leg. ere were only a few inches of electric air between
· IN MEMORIAM ·
them. Gaunt was glad he had thought to edge himself away already. It would have been disastrous for Ellwood to feel what that curl of his ngers had done to him.
“I just want . . .” said Gaunt. Ellwood closed his eyes. “. . . to be your friend.”
Ellwood turned his head forward.
“I’ve had too much to drink,” he said.
“Bed?” asked Gaunt.
Ellwood gave a dry hu of laughter.
“Propositioning me, Gaunt?”
Gaunt felt himself ush.
“Obviously not,” he said.
“Obviously not,” repeated Ellwood. He climbed carefully out of the bath, nearly stepping on Pritchard in the process. “Cheero, boys, I’ve an appointment with some sleep I’ve been meaning to catch.”
Gaunt’s eighteenth birthday was in December of 1914, four months a er war was declared. e boys crowded into his dorm, led by Ellwood, and wrapped him up in his blankets. ey carried him, bundled up, into the high-ceilinged front hall, and then, grabbing the edges of the blanket, threw him high into the air eighteen times.
“And one for luck!” cried Ellwood, and Gaunt, grinning, tightened his dead-man, crossed-arm pose. e boys hoisted him low, shouted “Nineteen!” all at once, and threw him so high that he had to reach his hands out to stop himself hitting the ceiling.
Mr. Hammick smiled indulgently as they trooped back upstairs to the dormitories.
“Only a year till enlisting age, Gaunt!” he chirped. Gaunt ashed him an awkward smile.
“What do you keep under your nightclothes, Gaunto?” said West, wrapping an arm around him. “Felt like you were made of bricks.”
“You really are a lumpy bastard,” said Pritchard.
“Almost boxed his way into the oor above,” said Roseveare.
“ e next person who calls me lumpy is getting thumped,” said Gaunt.
· 15 ·
“Oooooh!” cried the boys in high, mocking voices.
“Happy birthday, old boy,” said Ellwood quietly.
Gaunt’s mother and sister arrived during lunch. He was telling Ellwood about an interesting passage he had found in ucydides (Ellwood only pretended to hate lessons) when West icked a forkful of peas at him. Or tried to—most of them hit Pritchard, who sighed and shook them from his hair with a look of martyred resignation.
“Sorry, sorry!” said West. “Isn’t that your mother, Gaunt?”
Gaunt had not been expecting visitors. He was to have a school cake that evening, and he knew that Ellwood would give him a gi — that was quite enough for him. It was always strange to see parents in school, like spotting a fox in the city.
“Who’s the girl? Have you been hiding away a sister?” asked West.
“A twin sister,” said Ellwood, treacherously.
“She can’t be your twin. She’s pretty,” said West. Gaunt knocked him lightly on the head and dashed out to Court, Ellwood following close behind.
“Henry!” said Maud, then, quieter, “Sidney.”
Ellwood waited until Gaunt had hugged Maud to answer.
“Hallo, Maud,” he said. “Have you shrunk?”
Maud laughed. Ellwood always made her laugh. When he came to stay in the holidays, he’d lounge in the garden, trying to provoke her into irtation. He never succeeded—Maud wasn’t the irting type— but Gaunt could tell she liked it.
“He’s very silly,” she had said once, fondly.
“Do you think,” said Gaunt, to whom this seemed a profound misinterpretation, like calling Napoleon a bit of fun.
“Of course, he doesn’t care about anyone,” said Maud, and Gaunt had been too devastated to answer. He never could, when she said things that were new and true and terrible.
“No, Sidney, I haven’t shrunk,” she said now. “You’ve grown, and you’re hoping for a compliment.”
“Won’t you give me one?” asked Ellwood, with a grin. Maud laughed again and shook her head.
· IN MEMORIAM ·
“Happy birthday, Heinrich,” said Gaunt’s mother. Several passing boys turned around at the sound of her German accent.
“Let’s go inside, shall we?” said Gaunt. He didn’t need to add fuel to the rumours that he was a German spy. It was bad enough that his middle name was Wilhelm.
“You’re welcome to use my room,” said Ellwood.
“ anks,” said Gaunt, who had intended to use Ellwood’s room with or without Ellwood’s permission.
He took his mother’s arm. Maud and Ellwood walked ahead, not touching. Maud laughed at everything Ellwood said, and once, Ellwood did a self-satis ed little skip.
Ellwood walked them to Cemetery House, taking them through the grand front entrance that few boys ever used, and guided them to his room.
“How lovely,” said Maud, looking at the paintings that Ellwood had bought in town.
“It’s a capital room,” said Ellwood. “I hate to think of someone else getting it next year. Do you like that painting, Maud? It’s poorly done, but it made me think of the Battle of the Nile, so I had to buy it.”
“I like it very much,” said Maud. “I’ve always been fond of Nelson.”
“Don’t start Ellwood on Nelson,” said Gaunt.
Ellwood threw himself against the wall, pressing his hands to an imaginary chest wound.
“Kiss, me, Hardy!” he cried.
“Don’t laugh,” Gaunt told Maud. “You’ll only encourage him. Clear o , Elly, we don’t want any entertainment.”
“Oh, all right,” said Ellwood. He bowed slightly to Gaunt’s mother and smiled at Maud. “It was marvellous to see you both. Stay as long as you like, Henry; I’ll be out for ages.”
Gaunt nodded, and Ellwood le .
Gaunt’s mother and sister settled down on the sofa, and Gaunt leant against the windowsill, facing them.
“How are you?”
His mother burst into tears. Gaunt fumbled in his suit pocket for a handkerchief and was very glad when Maud produced hers rst. He had used his own to stem Pritchard’s nosebleed that morning, a er Master Larchmont threw a book at his face. (Pritchard had deserved it.)
· 17 ·
He carried on pretending to search for his handkerchief until he heard the sounds of his mother’s sobs slowing.
“Oh, Heinrich, it’s dreadful, dreadful. . . . Your Uncle Leopold has been . . .” She was prevented from continuing by the onset of a fresh wave of sobs.
Gaunt examined his nails.
“Uncle Leopold has been accused of spying for the Germans,” said Maud.
Gaunt looked up. Maud was watching him steadily, stroking Mother’s back.
“Has he been spying for the Germans?” he asked, directing his question to Maud.
“Of course not!” said his mother, and Maud hushed her soothingly.
“Do stop crying, Mutter,” said Gaunt. “It’ll be all right.”
“Father thinks it’ll come to nothing, but there was a brick through the drawing-room window this morning,” said Maud. “And half the servants have given their notice.”
Gaunt’s ngers itched for his cigarettes, but he wasn’t going to insult his mother and sister by smoking in front of them.
“It’ll pass,” he said. “In three weeks no one will remember.”
Maud looked at him disbelievingly, but his mother blew her nose and sat up.
“Your father’s under scrutiny at the bank because of it. . . . You must enlist, Heinrich. If we have a son in the army, no one will dare say we are not patriotic.”
Gaunt blinked, then regained control of his face.
“I’m not nineteen yet,” he said, evenly.
“As if that matters! You’re six foot two!”
“I’m going to Oxford to read Classics.”
His mother stood. Gaunt straightened up away from the window.
“Do you want Maud to die an old maid?” she asked. Maud made a small, protesting sound from the sofa.
“ e War will be over in a few months. By the time Maud is ready to marry, it will have been long forgotten.”
“People never forget cowardice!” hissed his mother, so ercely that Gaunt blinked again. He smiled.
· IN MEMORIAM ·
“And you, Maud? Would you like me to die for your marriage prospects?”
Maud looked away from him. Guiltily, he thought. ey had been at a garden party together in London the day the War was announced. Several German aristocrats had hovered by the strawberries and cream.
“Have I a patriotic duty to stab one of them with my fork?” Ellwood had asked.
“Don’t,” Maud had said, furious, “don’t be so glib, can’t you see—”
She le before she could nish her sentence, and Ellwood whistled with a humorous look at Gaunt. But Gaunt hadn’t found it funny.
“It’s frightening to be hated,” said Maud now.
Gaunt went back to the window. In Court, Ellwood was sitting on Roseveare’s shoulders, Pritchard was sitting on West’s, and they were attacking each other with long rulers held out like sabres on a cavalry charge.
“ eirs not to make reply, eirs not to reason why, eirs but to do and die.
Into the valley of Death Rode the six hundred.”
Like every English schoolboy, he knew Tennyson’s “Charge of the Light Brigade” o by heart. Ellwood had a habit of reciting the whole poem in a sonorous voice when he was too tired to be interesting.
“It’s a foolish war,” said Gaunt.
“Father says it won’t last long,” said Maud. “It will probably be nished by the time you go to the front.”
He wondered if she believed this. She read e New Statesman; he knew if it weren’t for the atrocities in Belgium she might have been a conscientious objector.
“You must sign up before it’s too late,” said his mother. “If you enlist as the War is ending, people will say you did not intend to ght.”
Gaunt balled his hands into sts and rattled them gently on the windowsill.
· 19 ·
“I’d like to see them sign up!” ranted Gaunt, striding back and forth across Fox’s Bridge. Ellwood sat cross-legged on the stone parapet.
“I would die if someone gave me a white feather,” he said.
Gaunt had gone into town, planning on buying a nice new pair of boxing gloves with the crisp pound note he had in his pocket. He had stopped in front of the window of Wyndham & Bolt, and was deliberating on whether it might not be better to buy a smart hockey stick instead, when two young women approached him. ey were elegant creatures, with new London hats. e prettier one spoke.
“Why aren’t you at the front?” she asked. Passers-by paused to hear his answer.
“I’m not nineteen.”
e two women looked at each other.
“ at’s what they all say,” said the less pretty woman, and she held out a white feather. Gaunt stared at it blankly.
“For a brave soldier,” said the prettier woman, with a nasty laugh. Gaunt couldn’t move. He was rooted to the ground, and his stomach was burning, his skin smarting with the derisive looks of the crowd around him. Seeing that he was not going to take it, the woman tucked the white feather into his buttonhole.
“. . . a rotten shame,” he heard someone mutter. “A strapping young lad like that . . . !”
“ ey should never have dared say that to you if they were men,” said Ellwood. “You would have knocked their teeth out.”
“I couldn’t do a thing.”
It was as if he had been turned into stone. He had been utterly paralysed by shame. It didn’t matter that he thought the War would damage the empire, that he disagreed with it on principle. Faced with all those scornful, staring faces, he had wanted nothing more than to disappear. It was as if he was the enemy.
e brook owed noisily beneath them, and they spoke over a cacophony of birdsong. It was di cult to imagine that in France, men were shooting machine guns at each other.
· IN MEMORIAM · ...
“I’m not a coward,” he said. He had meant to sound forceful, but instead the words came out like a question.
Ellwood hopped down from the parapet.
“Henry.”
Gaunt looked up, and Ellwood put a hand on his shoulder. He froze, instantly ghting the instinct to shrug away—but there was something grounding about being touched. He had felt so contagious in town. Ellwood’s liquid brown eyes widened in surprise.
“Of course you aren’t a coward.”
“Perhaps I am,” said Gaunt, with a small laugh. “It’s only—Ernst and Otto.”
Ellwood knew his Munich cousins. He had gone to visit in 1913. ey had all got drunk together on monk-brewed beer and sung Bavarian songs. Gaunt sometimes wondered how much of his high-minded paci sm came from the simple fear of being ordered to kill his cousins. He imagined stabbing Ernst with a bayonet, lobbing a grenade at Otto.
“You’re not afraid of dying, Henry. You’re just opposed to killing. at isn’t cowardice.”
Gaunt nodded briskly. He had been drinking, and was having trouble focusing on anything but Ellwood’s hand on his shoulder. ey hadn’t touched since the day Cuthbert-Smith died. Not that Gaunt kept track of these things.
He was having trouble tracking anything. He was only staring hungrily at Ellwood, noticing how his long black lashes fanned out slightly sideways, how the whites of his eyes were rather too white. Ellwood had the most absurd lips Gaunt had ever seen, a true cupid’s bow, as if a woman had painted them on his face with lipstick.
Ellwood’s other hand slowly, tentatively went to Gaunt’s jaw. Gaunt resisted leaning into it, but his eyes uttered shut.
“Henry,” said Ellwood, so so ly that Gaunt had to lean forward to hear him (that was why he leant forward: to hear him) and then Ellwood’s nose was nudging his. Gaunt’s lips were tingling. He couldn’t seem to think. He tilted his mouth away from Ellwood’s, and Ellwood pressed his lips against his cheekbone.
Gaunt wanted to scream. e bridge should break in half under the weight of us, he thought. I’m cracking up. He thought of the brick ying through the drawing-room window at home, of the words “Henry
· 21 ·
Gaunt is a German SPY” still scrawled on the cloakroom wall, fresh as the markings on Cuthbert-Smith’s grave. He thought of the way George Burgoyne spoke about Ellwood behind his back: “We all know what Ellwood gets up to when he calls boys in to look at the lowerschool cricket teams. . . .”
Ellwood burnt through people. He didn’t want them, once he’d had them.
He thought of Ellwood leaning against him, fully clothed in that empty bathtub.
“You’re just passing the time until you can marry Maud, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I suppose so.”
e white feather was in his pocket, and Ellwood’s hands were in his hair. He couldn’t think. His skin was on re, blazing with shame and something else, something he didn’t want to recognise, and suddenly he couldn’t stand it. He turned abruptly away from Ellwood and found his cigarette case.
Ellwood was ushed, bright-eyed.
“Everything all right?”
Gaunt nodded, sure that he had made an utter fool of himself.
“Cigarette?” he o ered. His hands were trembling. Ellwood took one and leant forward so that Gaunt could light it. e match cast a ickering shadow on Ellwood’s delicate face.
“Henry,” he said, smoke tumbling out of his mouth in tendrils, “are you all right?”
“I’m ne.”
“Yes, I know you’re ne. But are you all right?”
“Christ, Ellwood, drop it already!” e words came out sharper and more scornful than he had intended. Ellwood tried to smile, but could not quite manage it. He drew his cigarette to his lips. Somehow it always looked very French when Ellwood smoked. It made Gaunt not want his own cigarette. He tossed it into the river and walked away. Ellwood raced to keep up.
“What’s the hurry?”
Gaunt didn’t answer.
“Listen, Henry—”
Gaunt stopped.
· IN MEMORIAM ·
“Yes?” he said. Ellwood looked miserable. It felt good to make him look like that. Let him feel something for once. Gaunt was sick of feeling things.
“Did I . . .” Ellwood’s eyes dropped away from Gaunt’s burning look. “Did I o end?”
“Of course not,” spat Gaunt.
“Wait for me,” said Ellwood, because Gaunt was o again, striding past the pond full of bad-tempered swans.
“Look, I’ve got a lot of prep to do, all right?”
“Henry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
In Munich, Gaunt had once pressed himself against Ellwood’s leg and discovered that Ellwood was hard. Whatever Ellwood’s usual standards, Gaunt knew that Ellwood was tempted, occasionally, by the ease of their friendship, by how convenient it would be to use each other. And perhaps Gaunt should have acted then—settled for a cold fumble in a Bavarian eld, something to remember once they le school and put aside their abnormalities. He might have done it if he had thought Ellwood would have bothered remembering it. But Ellwood was never more callous than when speaking of boys he’d once seemed to love.
“Forget it,” said Gaunt. “It doesn’t matter.”
“I didn’t mean to insult you.”
Gaunt stopped to look at Ellwood, who was chewing his mouth. He forced himself to smile. He was being irrational, and, more than that, he was being unkind.
“It was decent of you to try and cheer me up, Elly. I’m sorry I’m in such a rotten mood.”
“Henry . . .”
“I need to be alone until I’m feeling less beastly, I think,” said Gaunt, avoiding Ellwood’s eyes. He was too drunk for them.
“All right,” said Ellwood, unhappily.
Gaunt nodded at him and loped away, feeling Ellwood’s gaze on the back of his head. He walked past the priory, through the graveyard, out the school gates, and into town.
It was late a ernoon on a Saturday, but the Recruitment O ce was still open. ere was no one there but a uniformed man with a formidable Lord Kitchener moustache.
· 23 ·
“I’d like to enlist,” said Gaunt.
“Excellent! Just the sort of man we need! Schoolboy, are you? How old?”
What might he have done with an extra year? He and Ellwood wanted to walk the Canterbury Trail. ey had planned the route already, the inns they would stay at, the places they would camp. A small tent that they would share.
“Nineteen,” he said.
“Quite. If you sign right here, we’ll get you sorted.”
Gaunt did not hesitate before he signed, although he felt as if his name was being ripped from him. He was simmering with a restlessness like that he felt in the boxing ring; a determination to hurt and be hurt, an impulse towards disaster and destruction, and nothing else would have satis ed him. He would not be a pansy German paci st. He could not help that he was German, and he could not seem to help whatever he felt when Ellwood pressed himself close.
But he could jolly well kill people.
· IN MEMORIAM ·
TWO
Gaunt was late for supper, which was eaten in House on Saturdays. Pritchard le a space next to him on the bench when he sat down.
“Where’s Jaunty Gaunty?” he asked, grabbing Ellwood’s bread roll.
“Give that back, you utter heathen.”
Pritchard licked the roll and handed it back to Ellwood.
“I don’t know, he’s late,” said Ellwood, carefully cutting o the part that Pritchard had licked.
West leant across the table, putting his elbow in the butter dish.
“Oh . . . ! Not again,” he said, wiping disconsolately at his jacket with a dirty handkerchief.
“Late to supper?” asked Pritchard, dipping his own handkerchief in his water glass and passing it to West. “Our gluttonous giant? Is he sick?”
“Some girls in town gave him a white feather,” said Ellwood. Pritchard and West exchanged glances.
“Poor beggar,” said Pritchard.
“A white feather?” said Burgoyne loudly from down the table. As always when Burgoyne spoke, he sounded self-important and meddling.
“Shut up, Burgoyne,” said Ellwood.
“It’s about time someone gave Gaunt a feather. His opinions on the War are an absolute disgrace.”
