Salient Issue 3 - Volume 89

ISSUE #3

Editor

Phoebe Robertson

Designer & Cartoonist

Jim Higgs

Sub-Editor

Holly Rowsell

News Writers

Dan Moskovitz

Te Urukeiha Tuhua

Martha Schenk

Ryan Cleland

Columnist

Guy van Egmond

Critic-at-large

Jackson McCarthy

Comic Artists

Grace Elzenheimer

Jack Graham

Contributing Writers

Tamanna Amin

Zia Ravenscroft

Social Media Manager

Will Tickner

Photographer

Sophie Spencer

Distributer/Contributing Writer

Ali Cook

Centrefold Artist

Jamie Renee

Advertising advertising@vuwsa.org.nz

Read Online salient.org.nz issuu.com/salientmagazine

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Want to get published?

To contribute to Salient, you can submit poetry, creative writing, artwork, comics, puzzles, features, and other ideas. Feature articles must be pitched to the Editor before writing; send pitches to editor@salient.org.nz. Artwork should be sent to designer@salient.org.nz. Creative writing submissions are accepted through the form on our website. All other contributions, including puzzles and general ideas, should be emailed to the Editor. Submissions are welcome from first-time and returning contributors.

For the past few years of Salient, feedback I’ve had both directly and indirectly is that the Sex Issue continues to “one up” itself each year. I will admit I am part of this cycle, as in 2024 I photographed dicks for Salient, then last year Salient had the infamous sex on cover scandal.

It’s an interesting cycle: I don’t have a frame of reference as my first year had no physical Sex Issue to hold, as it was the Covid-19 lockdowns. Salient’s 2020 Sex Issue was released on 23 March 2020, and we went into our first lockdown at 11:59 p.m. on March 25. Now, I’m not saying Jacinda Ardern took one look at horny Te Herenga Waka students and decided that they would never follow social distancing rules…but I’m not saying she didn’t, either.

We’ve received a bit of feedback and heard some whisperings that this loop of one upping can alienate part of the student body. And, I get that. This year, I wanted to peel back the shock value and focus on more student interest stories from a wide variety of voices—not just those particularly open and explicit about sex.

At least we’ve beaten one rumor this week: people actually engage with student journalism. Over 500 of you responded to our sex quiz, so you, dear reader, are part of our data set. And at least a few hundred more of you pick up copies if distribution is anything to go off, so cheers for that as well.

I guess it becomes a catch-22; the people writing about sex are those likely to be more open about it. I’d like to remind readers that if you find yourself in this position, or not wanting your name in publication, you can use a pen name to publish in Salient. We won’t tell, and your voice matters just as much as ours.

In fact, got any thoughts about how we’ve done the Sex Issue this year? Send me a letter and have it published for editors in the future. It’s been great how full my inbox has been with writers interested in submitting to Salient, so please keep reaching out if you have any questions about the process. But for now, please enjoy a hopefully less shock value, and more inclusive, version of the annual Sex Issue of Salient

Dear Editor,

I am quite disturbed, frankly, by the new issues of Salient. Salient has been a stronghold of my time at Vic University; it has been my primary news source, so imagine my shock when really important news like "how fast can exec members eat 24 scrambled eggs" has been replaced by 2 more pages of puzzles! You puzzlers already had 2 pages in my favourite news media, and NOW THERE ARE FOUR??!?!?!? Now I am no hater of Puzzles. I can solve a Rubik's Cube, and I am nostalgic for the coffee news of old, but to replace very serious and definitely not satirical or piss-take news with puzzles is too far.

Sincerely, Jackass Penman

Dear

Dear Editor, Kelburn cats creator deserves their own magazine after makin big titty sudylink catgirl �� @ijnero

My cat hates the Editor. She keeps ripping up my Phoebe Robertson shrine. I put up every editorial and photo of Phoebe that appears in the salient on my beautiful shrine, and every time without fail, she rips it up. I've tried everything: coffee grounds, covering everything in lime juice, but nothing works, no matter what she knocks over my Phoebe Roberson scented candles and tears them down. I might have to put her up for adoption cause this shrine is really important to me. Phoebe, what do you think?

-Ms Jan Pancake

Salient is published by, but remains editorially independent from, the Victoria University of Wellington Students Association (VUWSA). Salient is funded in part by VUWSA through the Student Services Levy. Salient is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA) and the New Zealand Media Council. Complaints regarding the material published in Salient should first be brought to the VUWSA CEO in writing (ceo@vuwsa. org.nz). If not satisfied by the response, complaints should be directed to the Media Council (info@mediacouncil.org.nz).

Week of March 9 - March 15, 2026

Moon Jam Nite

Venue: Moon Bar

Time: 7:30pm

Cost: Free

Every Tuesday at 7:30pm Moon hosts an open mic night with a fully equipped stage.

Battle of the Bands

Venue: Valhalla Time: 8:00pm Cost: $17.60

DJ KAYSEEYUH, The Tiwhas, House of Marama and more! Part of Battle of the Bands 2026 National Championship.

TUESDAY THURSDAY SATURDAY FRIDAY WEDNESDAY SATURDAY

After Dark:

He Rā Whatiwhati Kō

Venue: Te Papa Time: 7:30pm Cost: Free

Vicfolk St Patrick's Day Ceilidh

Venue: Northland Memorial Community Centre Time: 7:00pm Cost: $10 for Students

Celebrate St Patrick's Day with some Irish ceilidh dancing!

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

Out in the City

Venue: Odlins Plaza

Time: 10:00am to 4:00pm Cost: Free

Bathroom Secrets, Neil Thornton, Cordelia’s, Isadora and many more!

Pride Hīkoi

Venue: Te Ngākau Civic Square Time: 9:00am Cost: Free

March to celebrate the opening of Out in the City.

Pooches in the Plaza Venue: Odlins Plaza

Time: 1:00pm Cost: Free

Find out who the city's best (and most prideful) dogs are!

Chosen Family Night

Venue: Wellington Museum Time: 5:00pm Cost: $10 for Student

Drag, rainbow history, poetry, live music and more!

Women's Refuge Fundraiser

Venue: Valhalla, Time: 1:00pm Cost: $15

Flash tattoos, raffle, koha BBQ and bands from 7.30pm.

Are you a Te Herenga Waka student with an upcoming gig or event? Scan the QR code to submit your details for potential inclusion on our gigs page. SHARE YOUR GIG!

About the centrefold artist - Jamie Renee

I am a Tattoo Artist and illustrator based here in Wellington, working out of Dr Morse Tattoo Studio here in the city. Among many things, I love to use sexual attraction and objectification as a theme with some of my artwork/tattoos. The classic Pin-Ups in the era of Gil Elvgren, Fetish Art of Eric Stanton and Warrior Women of Frank Frazetta have all been big influences in my life and art. The iconic Bettie Page has been the largest influence on my art and even personal style.

If you have a cheeky wee project/tattoo you’re keen to work on with me, get in touch through my email jamiereneetattoo@gmail.com or through Dr Morse Tattoo Studio. You can also find my work on Instagram @jamiereneetattoo.

Students Tired of Pill Promotion

Martha Schenk

VUWSA has drawn online backlash after advertising Nō Dōz caffeine pills on its social media for a fourth consecutive year. The promotions on Facebook and Instagram, urged students to “stay ALERT and WIDE AWAKE!”, during the academic year but it did not disclose the sponsorship, as required under Meta’s branded content policy.

Instagram users reacted critically, with multiple calling the post “embarrassing.” One commenter wrote: “VUWSA why are we advertising caffeine pills again?... Doesn’t seem like you have students’ best interests at heart.”Another joked that the association should “just advertise recreational Ritalin next time.”

Each Nō Dōz Plus pill contains 100 milligrams of caffeine, as does one Nō Dōz Awakener; the products are sold in packets of 24 and 100 respectively. By comparison, a 250-millileter can of Red Bull contains 80 milligrams of caffeine, while a 250-millilitre Monster contains 75 milligrams.

The recommended safe limit for adults is around 400 milligrams of caffeine per day. Consuming more can lead to insomnia, heart palpations, headaches, and anxiety. At doses above roughly 1,200 milligrams, caffeine toxicity, while rare, can cause seizures, nausea, shortness of breath, coma, and in some cases death. Often overlooked as a drug, caffeine is the world’s most widely consumed psychoactive stimulant and can lead to dependence and withdrawal.

Because caffeine pills and powders are more concentrated, they can also be easier to overconsume. Four Nō Dōz pills can be swallowed in one mouthful; drinking five cans of Monster in quick succession is harder to manage.

VUWSA CEO Matthew Tucker disagrees with the distinction. “Fundamentally, do I think that there’s a difference between Nō Dōz and Redbull? No, I don’t,” he told Salient. “A can of energy drink is socially acceptable, but caffeine in the pill form is not. They’re the same”. Tucker, who oversees the advertising decisions for

VUWSA, said he was aware of the online criticism, but wasn’t particularly concerned. “We’ve got a significant amount of social media presence, but this is a very small amount of people that have a concern,” he said. “Maybe it even helps drive engagement”.

The association currently restricts advertising for alcohol and tobacco. Tucker said he also chooses not to advertise bars—despite the potential revenue—unlike some other student associations. “I don’t trust our bars to act in the best interest of our students,” he said.

VUWSA’s Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) policy also prohibits advertising companies that fund Israel. “Last year we had a contract with a Coke associated entity that we turned down,” Tucker said.

He noted that VUWSA’s financial situation often forces the organisation to accept advertising deals that other student associations might decline. “VUWSA is the least funded student association in New Zealand, so we are driven to take on advertising we might not otherwise take because of our lack of funding,” he said. Limiting advertising further could come at a significant cost for the association, which—according to its most recent executive meeting—is on track for its most expensive year yet.

Any new policies limiting advertisers would be set by VUWSA’s student executive, which represents the student body. VUWSA Academic Vice-President Ethan Rogacion assured Salient that the association “will continue to review our advertising policy to ensure that our advertising and commercial relationships align with our values and the interests of all students,” though he acknowledged that “we rely on other streams of income to help support the services, events and campaigns that we run.”

The future of public transport is (more) expensive

Dan Moskovitz

Prices on Metlink buses and trains are set to rise by 3.1%, following central government pressure and an unanticipated funding hole. The off-peak discount will be reduced from 30% to 20%, following a reduction in 2025 from 50%.

The changes will come into force on May 15.

Bus fares are partially subsidized by both the regional council and central government. However, central government is in the process of reducing the share they subsidize. The difference has to be made up somewhere.

Combine that with bus patronage reducing while rail ridership remains stubbornly below pre-covid levels. Metlink has found itself staring down a $5 million budget hole. Hence, fare rises.

It’s no secret that the cost of public transport is getting prohibitively expensive. Several regional councilors mentioned this in the council meeting where fare rises were agreed on. 193 of 246 respondents to an (admittedly unscientific) Salient instagram poll said they were struggling to pay public transport costs.

So what's stopping these fare rises from further reducing patronage, leaving Metlink in the same position next year?

“It's hard to tell at the moment,” admits Metlink group manager Tim Shackleton. “It’s tough in Wellington across a lot of industries. Public transport is no exception, and there’s not too much we can do but weather the storm.”

According to Shackleton, 50% of Metlink patrons travel during off-peak hours, which is a lot of cost council has to eat, resulting in the off-peak discount reduction.

“It’s just trying to get a bit more money given how our funding from central government has been reduced,” said Shackleton. “But council felt 20% was a level which would still have a degree of behavioural change.”

Shackleton is hopeful the off-peak discount won’t be reduced again. When more people travel off-peak, the number of buses Metlink has to purchase for solely on-peak travel reduces.

Council officers are also pouring over all the ledgers to find any potential cost savings. This could mean reductions or removals of services.

“There’s a lot of services on the fringes which are much higher cost than those which run through the central city,” said Shackleton. “This is normal for most public transport services in the world.”

“We have services which are almost cost-neutral, meaning fares can almost cover the cost of the service. Others are as low as 5%. But there are social reasons why we have to provide public transport, because some people can’t afford taxis and rely on public transport to get them to the hospital or go shopping.

“So a 5% cost recovery isn’t necessarily a good enough reason alone to cut the service.”

“We’re trying to create a methodology where we can balance the social factors, cost factors, and various consequences of reducing service levels to a certain part of the community.”

All of which paints a bleak picture. With a government intent on reducing its financial outlay on public transport, rates rising at record levels, and a cost-of-living crisis, Metlink has been left with nothing but bad options.

Shackleton doesn’t disagree.

“At this point in time, there is no silver bullet. Getting people back onto public transport is quite challenging without money to invest.”

Waffles for Votes

Ryan Cleland

As Clubs Expo has come to a close and Salient looks back on one of the busiest weeks of the year, we wanted to reflect on some of its success. Most notably, VUWSA’s “Waffle Programme” which saw a record 398 students enrol to vote.

VUWSA president Aidan Donoghue reported that 204 people enrolled in a single day during one of their Kelburn campus events. Historically, enrollment during Clubs Expo has not been run by VUWSA. Instead, volunteers from the Electoral Commission attend campus to advocate for student enrollment.

Donoghue said previous Electoral Commission volunteers told him that “the most they’ve ever had in one day as a record was 90.” His numbers more than double that.

He admits that a lot of this was due to the free waffles that accompanied each enrolled voter. Donoghue told me “I've learned one thing in my time as Engagement VP at VUWSA. Students need incentives to engage with us—extrinsic ones. I think those really went a long way.” He added that the waffles are often given out anyway, so combining them with voter enrollment was a simple decision.

Another boon to the campaign was, of course, the fact it’s an election year. Donoghue admits, “If we tried this next year when there's no elections going on at all, I imagine it'd be tougher.”

Opinion: Train Station Pizza?

Ryan Cleland

In February, the peculiar NomNom Pizza vending machine appeared at the Wellington Train Station. It promises “Freshly baked artisanal pizza 24/7”. So, of course, like the bulwark of student issues that is Salient, myself and Dan Moskovitz decided to test out whether NomNom really stands up to their slogan claiming “Anytime is Pizza Time”.

Rolling up at a cool 1 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon, Dan and I were greeted by the metal behemoth which was already occupied by two young boys. Clearly the news was out.

We ordered the aptly named Peppeholic 30cm which was described as “Loaded with pepperoni and chorizo over rich tomato sauce—bold, comforting and seriously satisfying.” We were less satisfied at the price, a generous $17.50. A mere two minutes later, a pizza-box shaped slot opened up and there in its cheesy glory was our Peppeholic 30cm

The pizza itself seemed to be misshapen by the metal grid that it sat upon, and it wasn’t precut. Instead, we were provided with a wooden knife taped—with duct tape might I add—to the side of the box. We spent a few minutes sawing at the pizza next to the train station toilets while our resident photographer Sophie looked at us in shame. Fitting, for the Sex Issue.

Eventually, we managed to bite into a slice of the pizza and… it was… fine? Nothing stood out, but, I mean, it was what I expected. A little doughy perhaps, but overall a very typical

Most political parties were present on campus during Clubs Expo. With Chris Hipkins serving Oreos to keen voters, Donoghue emphasised the importance of having MP’s speak directly with students on campus.

"It was really awesome to have those MPs and candidates come along and be your boots on the ground actually talking to students about enrolling to vote.”

Donoghue wants to emphasise that getting students interested in politics is not just for Clubs Expo. He wants to see consistent enrolment throughout the year, and has set a goal for VUWSA to hit 1000 students enrolled by the end of 2026.

Only 2 weeks in and 40% of the way there and he shows no signs of slowing down, promising “More dedicated events for enrollment drives.”

Moreover, he looks forward to Democracy Week which VUWSA will host during trimester two. Donoghue's “Really keen to work with the University for a leaders debate, for whatever sort of way that we can have candidates on campus fronting up to students about what their plans are.”

Clubs Expo proved that student politics is still thriving. As the election year ramps up, eyes will turn to campuses as politicians vie for the student vote.

pepperoni pizza. Or, as Dan put it, “an incredible 6/10.” And that it “would probably be a 9/10 if I was super drunk.”

I concurred, it was an incredibly average pizza.

Throughout this arduous process one question remained: who was this for?

It was more expensive than other fast food pizzas, and nowhere near as good as more premium pizza offerings such as Scopa. The only thing that ‘the little NomNom that could’ had going for it was that it had an incredibly fast turn around time.

Perhaps this was for the commuter wanting a quick bite after a long day of work in the public sector? Or a student out on the town, now heading home via train and wanting a drunken snack?

We assumed the latter, and decided in order to try this pizza in all its glory; we must return to it while drunk. This request was rejected by our Editor Phoebe, who told us that “Salient won’t fund our drinking habits.”

And so ends our tale of NomNom Pizza. Perhaps you should try it for yourself? But also perhaps not. After all, in a world full of Curriza, why settle for NomNom?

Opinion: Te Herenga Wakas Next Top VICE CHANCELLOR

Phoebe Robertson

Nic Smith’s announcement of resignation last week was met with lukewarm sadness from our university community. But never fear! In this opinion piece, the Salient team throws our hats in the ring to determine who we believe (with all of our journalistic integrity) should be Te Herenga Waka’s Next Top Vice Chancellor.

Sir Ashley Bloomfield

Rumor on the street has it that this former Director-General of Health of New Zealand almost got the Auckland Vice Chancellor position, but missed out to… Nic Smith. That’s okay Ashley, if at first you don't succeed just try again: this time at Te Herenga Waka. Sure, maybe it’s a pay cut… but is it really a ‘cut’ if you didn’t get the role to begin with?

Jackie Anderson

What would be a better measure of success than a previous VUWSAAdvocate, Head of Hall and now General Counsel at Legal Services. We don’t really know what General Council means, but we do know that Jackie has a wall of her favorite pets of co-workers in her office, and we really think that’s the energy that our next Vice Chancellor needs to bring.

Ethan Rogacion

If Te Herenga Waka doesn't want to fork out the money to hire an actual lawyer, why not a student? Ethan Rogacion—Salient alumni, current VUWSA Academic VP (and Gerry Brownlee has his phone number!)—would be a great litigious pick for our next top spot. We would have recommended VUWSA President Aidan Donoghue to the role, but he’s too union focused for the spot. Ethan would bring the perfect mix of litigation, and policy. Imagine this: your Vice Chancellor in your Law Lecturer. What a world I personally want to live in.

Clarke Gayford

Listen, Clarke, I know someone just sold The Guardian a story about you going to Australia, and I just want to clarify: we would never sell you out. If we saw you in the pub at 2 a.m. we would simply want a photograph to hang on our office wall, not to spill your secrets. It’d be a great opportunity to fix Te Herenga Waka, become as famous as your wife, and then move to Australia… just bring us with you. Please.

Dr Logan Bannister

Logan, you’re almost there. Appointed Deputy Vice-Chancellor of Students in October 2023, you’ve got enough experience (we think)— and you’ve got students in your role so your focus should, in theory, be on helping them out. But the real reason you’re on this list, and I’m speaking directly to you Logan, is because in 2024 you absolutely thrashed the Salient team at croquet and looked fantastic doing it in your tracksuit set. Anyone who can beat a bunch of students while looking that good should immediately get the Top Dog position, no interview required.

Matthew Tuckers Motorbike

It’s common knowledge around VUWSA that you can take the Matthew Tucker out of VUWSA, but you cannot take the motorbike out of Matthew Tucker. Matt’s been around Te Herenga Waka for pretty much longer than anyone else on this list, and he’s the guy who arranges O-Week. Imagine that: O-Week forever under Matthew Tucker's dictatorship. However, we know he’d never want the role himself. Instead, one of his motorbikes should do it. After all, they’re loud, abrasive, and Boomers hate them. What else could you want in a VC?

Tamatha Paul

Tam, you didn’t think you’d get off this list, did you? Ex-VUWSA President, O-Week DJ and politician Tamatha Paul would be a great choice for our next Vice Chancellor. She’s already done what no other Vice Chancellor (as far as Salient knows) has done: attend O-Week and poke her head into the safe room. If your Vice Chancellor has seen you vomiting, well, that just proves their dedication to student engagement.

Cloned Jim Carry

He may not be the same Jim Carry that we know and love, but he does seem very well spoken and down for a good time. We’re not entirely sure which version of him we would get as our next Vice Chancellor… Perhaps we could get a third, academic Jim Carry? The jury is out, but we are very curious as to how it would go. That’s why he made our list. We’re just waiting on his Marketing Manager to give us his booking details.

Art and Matilda Green

If you can have co-editors of Salient, why can’t you have co-Vice Chancellors of Victoria University? If you’re too young to know the lore about these two, they are the people who got me into reality TV many moons ago. The Original Bachelor NZ couple, they’ve well and truly shown that you can find love on Reality TV. If they could prove that then I’m sure they can prove this: you don’t need experience to be the Best Vice Chancellor: just a positive attitude and the willingness to fall off a horse.

David Seymour

This, I admit, is my most controversial take… but hear me out. David once said he would give up politics for love, but that didn’t work. By appointing him to Vice Chancellor we can get him to give up politics for something he would arguably be more interested in… students. He can make a new Snapchat and do some drop-ins at the alcohol-free floors of our halls of residence.

If you’re reading this, chances are you’re an undergraduate domestic student, and in a committed relationship. You likely first had sex at sixteen or seventeen, have had between two and four lifetime partners, and one in the past year. You’ve had sex while enrolled at Te Herenga Waka.

You’ve probably never been tested for an STI, feel only somewhat confident navigating sexual health services, watch pornography occasionally, and believe it’s influenced your expectations of sex in both good and bad ways. You meet partners through mutual friends. It happens late at night. You talk about it often. Statistically speaking, this is you.

A total of 508 students completed Salient’s first survey dedicated to the sex lives of Te Herenga Waka students—the first of its kind, at least in the magazine’s recent memory. The survey was intentionally broad, designed to capture a general snapshot rather than drill into specific communities or experiences.

Who Completed the Census?

The survey was completed predominantly by domestic students in their second and third year of study, with the largest age group clustered at eighteen to nineteen years old. Women made up the clear majority of respondents, and heterosexuality was the most common sexual orientation reported, closely followed by bisexuality. Most respondents described themselves as being in a committed relationship at the time of the survey.

Across year levels, upper-year students were more represented than first-years, suggesting stronger engagement from students who have spent longer at the university.

In short, the survey skews toward young, domestic, undergraduate women in ongoing relationships—a snapshot that shapes the sexual attitudes and behaviours reflected throughout the results.

Relationships and Dating

Most respondents report being in a committed relationship. Casual arrangements are present, but they do not outweigh students who describe themselves as partnered. The responses therefore skew towards stability rather than casual dating.

Gender Trends

Women make up the majority of respondents and are the group most likely to report being in committed relationships. Men are comparatively more represented in single or casual categories than women, though committed relationships remain the most common status across genders overall.

Respondents who identify as nonbinary or gender-diverse represent a smaller share of the dataset. Within this group, relationship statuses are more evenly distributed across committed, casual, and single categories rather than clustering strongly in one. Unlike women—who trend clearly toward committed relationships— nonbinary respondents show a more varied spread.

Sexuality Trends

Heterosexual students make up the largest share of respondents, and within this group, committed relationships are the most common relationship status.

Among LGBTQ+ respondents (including bisexual, gay, lesbian, and other identities), relationship categories are more evenly distributed. LGBTQ+ students are proportionally more represented in casual or undefined relationship categories compared to heterosexual respondents. That said, committed relationships are present across all sexuality categories.

This distribution suggests that heterosexual students in this survey trend more strongly toward conventional, defined partnerships, while LGBTQ+ respondents report more varied relational structures.

At the same time, the presence of casual arrangements across genders and sexualities indicates diversity in dating structures. The broader trend points toward something less sensational than stereotypes might suggest: students are dating, many are partnered, and relative stability is the prevailing pattern.

Sex and Sexual Experiences

Sex Trends

Across the responses, the most common amount of lifetime partners is two to four. When those become averages, women report about 4.5 lifetime partners, men about 4.9. Non-binary respondents sit higher, at roughly 5.4, and gender-diverse respondents higher again, at just over 7.

Have you had sex while enrolled at Te Herenga Waka?

The gap between men and women is smaller than stereotype would suggest; the more visible difference appears between binary and gender-diverse respondents. But it should also be noted that this survey had a much smaller pool of gender-diverse respondents.

Sexuality shows a clearer divide. Heterosexual respondents report an average of roughly 3.9 lifetime partners. LGBTQ+ respondents report closer to 5.4.

Age, more than identity, explains the sharpest climb. Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds cluster tightly in the one-to-four lifetime range. Each older bracket steps up incrementally. By twenty-four and over, respondents report the highest lifetime averages in the survey.

But “lifetime” in this survey is relative. The data skews young: the largest age group is eighteen to nineteen, followed closely by students in their early twenties. For many respondents, “lifetime” spans only a handful of post-high-school years. These are compressed timelines. The averages reflect that.

When the lens narrows to the past twelve months, the numbers compress further. Women average roughly 1.6 partners in the last year. Men, about 1.7. Non-binary respondents approach 1.9. Genderdiverse respondents report the highest recent average, around 2.4. LGBTQ+ respondents sit slightly above heterosexual respondents (about 1.8 compared to 1.6), but most groups converge tightly around one to two partners.

The survey’s question on types of sex engaged in adds texture to those numbers. Oral sex is the most commonly reported experience overall (405 respondents), followed closely by vaginal sex (378), with mutual masturbation (312) and digital sex (224) also widely selected. Anal sex appears in 121 responses—present, but not dominant. The pattern suggests breadth: students report engaging in multiple forms of sex rather than centring everything on a single act.

Among heterosexual men, oral sex remains highly reported— closely tracking vaginal sex—indicating that it is a routine part of heterosexual encounters. Among heterosexual women, oral sex is also widely selected, again nearly parallel with vaginal sex. Bisexual women report particularly high rates of oral sex relative to vaginal sex, with a more even distribution across oral, mutual masturbation, and digital sex than heterosexual women. Lesbian respondents report oral and mutual masturbation at far higher rates than vaginal sex, while gay male respondents report high rates of oral sex alongside anal sex, though oral still appears more frequently overall. Across non-binary and gender-diverse respondents, the distribution is more evenly spread across oral, digital, and mutual forms, with less concentration on any single act.

The Zeros

Before we get any further into averages and trends, it’s worth pausing on something written in the final comments section. One anonymous respondent said that “...sometimes Salient has been so sex-positive the articles have come across as judgemental towards those that haven’t (which could be for any reason).” And: “In the article please include how it is normal to never have had sex.”

It’s an uncomfortable request to read back—not because it’s unreasonable, but because it suggests that a survey about sex still carries assumptions about who is participating.

Eighty-one respondents of this survey selected “I haven’t had sex” when asked about the age of their first sexual experience. In the last twelve months, one hundred and one respondents reported having no sexual partners at all.

One respondent wrote: “I’m a virgin at 20 years old, which can sometimes feel difficult due to social ‘norms.’ When I hear about people who lost their virginity at a very young age, I feel a mix of wishing I had already experienced it, but also feeling glad that I haven’t yet. I want my first time to be meaningful, even though I sometimes have urges to hook up. I haven’t acted on those urges, and it can be hard when most people around me are sexually active. I’m very sex-positive, and being able to talk openly about this with friends makes me feel safe and unashamed.”

Sex is common in this dataset—most respondents report having had it while enrolled—but it is not universal. Roughly one in five respondents report no sexual partners in the past year. A visible minority reports none, ever. The statistical centre may sit around two to four lifetime partners and one in the last twelve months, but the dataset contains a substantial cohort at zero.

The survey maps participation, yes—but it also maps absence. And the absence is not deviant, delayed, or deficient. It is part of the same range of normal.

STI Testing

If there is a red flag in the survey, it isn’t hidden in partner counts or porn habits. It’s here.

Nearly half of sexually active respondents—57.3 percent—report that they have never been tested for an STI. Sex, in this dataset, is common. Seventy-six percent of respondents say they’ve had sex while enrolled. Most report at least one partner in the last twelve months. But testing does not scale alongside activity.

Have you ever been tested for STIs?

Yes, within the last 6 months

Yes, within the last year

Yes, but over a year ago

Never

Among those who are sexually active, 22.2 percent report testing within the last six months. Another 15.5 percent within the last year. Fourteen percent say it’s been more than a year. And then there is the largest single category: never.

The gender breakdown sharpens the pattern. Among sexually active men, 58.4 percent report never having been tested—the highest “never” rate in the dataset. Women sit lower, but not comfortably so: 47 percent of sexually active women report never testing. Genderdiverse respondents report the strongest engagement with testing, with only 29.2 percent saying they have never been screened and higher proportions reporting recent tests.

The sexuality divide follows a similar structure. Among heterosexual respondents, 55 percent report never being tested. Among LGBTQ+

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respondents, that number drops to 44.6 percent. The difference is consistent. LGBTQ+ respondents in this dataset are more likely to report having accessed testing—and more likely to report having done so recently. It’s one of the clearest disparities in the entire survey.

Number of sexual partners in the last 12 months

What the above data does not show is universal precaution tied neatly to higher partner counts. Gender-diverse respondents report the highest average lifetime partners in the dataset (approximately 7.08), yet only 29.2 percent of sexually active gender-diverse respondents report never having been tested for an STI—the lowest “never tested” rate of any gender group. Non-binary respondents report an average of approximately 5.4 lifetime partners, with around 41 percent of sexually active non-binary respondents reporting never testing.

Meanwhile, sexually active men report a lower average lifetime partner count (approximately 4.9) than both non-binary and genderdiverse respondents—yet 58.4 percent of sexually active men report never having been tested, the highest non-testing rate in the dataset. Women report an average of approximately 4.5 lifetime partners, with 47.0 percent never tested. Heterosexual respondents overall report lower lifetime averages (approximately 3.89) but a 55.0 percent never-tested rate, compared to LGBTQ+ respondents, who report higher lifetime averages (approximately 5.36) and a lower 44.6 percent never-tested rate.

In other words, higher reported partner counts do not correspond to lower testing rates. In this survey, some of the groups reporting more lifetime partners are also the ones reporting stronger engagement with STI screening, while the highest “never tested” figure belongs to sexually active men—not the group with the highest partner averages.

From a clinical perspective, Mauri Ora, when asked for comment by Salient, says the implications are straightforward. Undiagnosed STIs can continue to spread, particularly because many infections are asymptomatic. Left untreated, some can lead to long-term complications such as pelvic inflammatory disease and potential infertility. Most STIs are treatable, they emphasise—but only if they are detected.

The confidence gap may help explain the testing gap. The majority of respondents describe themselves as only “somewhat confident” accessing sexual health services. Mauri Ora notes that barriers can include difficulty finding information online, confusion about which

service or clinician to see, language and cultural barriers, financial concerns, and stigma or privacy worries. A lack of symptoms can also create false reassurance. Common misconceptions include assuming that feeling fine means no need for testing, believing infections like syphilis or HIV “don’t apply” to them, or thinking a test immediately after exposure is definitive despite window periods that require follow-up.

Best-practice testing, they say, depends on circumstances—but is generally encouraged for those with symptoms, contacts of someone diagnosed with an STI, during pregnancy, before IUD insertion for those at higher risk, after a change in sexual partner, routinely for sexually active people under 30, every three months for men who have sex with men, after non-consensual sexual encounters, or whenever a patient requests a test.

The nursing team at Mauri Ora can independently test and treat many STIs, with appointments typically available within a week and same-day options for urgent care such as emergency contraception or PEP. If a student wants an STI check, the advice is simple: book a nurse appointment.

Pornography

The most common age of first exposure to pornography in the dataset is under 13. A further large share report first seeing porn between 13 and 15. Only a small minority report first exposure at 18 or older. In other words, for most respondents who have seen pornography, it entered their lives before they were legally adults—often well before.

Porn use itself is common but not universal. 59.3 percent of respondents report watching pornography, while 40.7 percent say they do not. Among those who do watch, the pattern skews toward moderate frequency rather than daily use. The largest groups report watching weekly or a few times a week, followed closely by those who say they watch rarely or monthly. Only a small minority report daily viewing. The dataset suggests porn is embedded in student life—but not necessarily compulsively so.

what age did you first see porn?

I haven’t seen porn

The gender differences are pronounced. Among men, 80.9 percent report watching pornography—more than four in five. Among women, that figure drops to 47.9 percent, just under half. Nonbinary respondents report consumption at 64.7 percent, and genderdiverse respondents at 68.8 percent, placing them between men and women, but closer to men overall. The gap between men and women is one of the clearest divides in this section of the survey.

By sexuality, the difference is more subtle. 61.5 percent of LGBTQ+ respondents report watching pornography, compared to 54.8 percent of heterosexual respondents. The gap is measurable but not dramatic. Porn consumption, in this dataset, crosses identity categories—even if the rate and frequency vary.

One piece of feedback complicates the framing. An anonymous respondent noted that they “consider reading porn to be different to watching porn” and suggested it could have been an interesting category to include, adding that they consume more written porn and began reading it between 13 and 15. Another reinforced this

distinction: “I am not much for video based porn so my expectations surrounding sex were definitely influenced by things I had read rather than watched!” It’s a fair critique.

The survey used the term “watch” deliberately, in part because we were interested in the visual and internet-driven forms of pornography most commonly associated with contemporary discourse. But that wording may have flattened distinctions between mediums—particularly for students who engage more with written or audio erotica. It’s a gap worth acknowledging, and one we plan to explore more deliberately in future surveys.

Perhaps the most revealing finding is not how often students watch porn, but how they interpret its impact. When asked whether pornography has influenced their expectations of sex, the most common response is ambivalent: both positively and negatively. That answer outpaces those who say it had no effect, or that it influenced them only negatively or only positively. Students do not describe porn in binary terms. They recognise its presence and its influence, but they frame that influence as complicated.

Do you think porn has influenced your expectations of sex?

Students also talk about it—and they talk about it a lot. Among sexually active respondents, 44.3 percent say they discuss sex with friends often, and another 40.2 percent say they do so sometimes. Only 10.9 percent report talking about it rarely, and just 4.7 percent say they never discuss it with friends.

Most common time sex happens

Morning Afternoon

Evening Late night

Do you talk about sex openly with friends?

often

Across gender and sexuality, two trends stand out. First, men— particularly heterosexual men—are the most likely to consume porn and the most likely to describe its influence as either mixed or negligible rather than outright negative. Second, women, LGBTQ+ respondents, and gender-diverse students are more likely to acknowledge impact—and more likely to identify negative elements within that impact.

The “Fun” Stuff

The clearest through-line is that student sexuality is social before it is digital. While dating apps are firmly embedded—a third of respondents report meeting sexual partners through them—the most common answer by a wide margin is mutual friends. Sex, in this dataset, still travels through flat dinners, shared lectures, group chats, and overlapping social circles. Apps matter, but the friend-of-a-friend pipeline remains stronger.

Timing is equally predictable, and quietly funny. Just under half of respondents report having sex late at night, with another 40 percent selecting evening. Morning and afternoon barely register. The campus sex life, statistically speaking, is nocturnal. It happens after assignments are submitted, after the party, after the Uber home. Very little of it appears to happen before noon.

Conclusion

The survey does not depict a campus in the midst of hookup culture. It shows moderation. Most students are having sex, many within relationships, and partner counts are far less dramatic than stereotypes would suggest. The numbers point to something steady, social, and mostly ordinary.

What stands out instead is the gap between sexual activity and sexual healthcare. Nearly half of sexually active respondents report never having been tested for an STI. Most describe themselves as only “somewhat confident” accessing sexual health services. The imbalance is not in how much sex students are having—it is in how supported they feel navigating the systems designed to look after them.

Mauri Ora’s message is clear: testing is available, nurse appointments can often be booked within a week, and most STIs are treatable if detected early. The services exist. The question the survey leaves hanging is not whether students are sexually active, but whether they feel confident enough to make routine care part of that normal.

Buttering the Societal Muffin

Saskia Barker

A conversation on the diversity of sexual experience.

Sex—both the thought of it and the act—is a totally unique concept. As a friend of mine put it, it is “simultaneously entirely universal yet extremely personal.” In spite of this, often when sex is the subject of a group conversation, there’s one person who seems less inclined to contribute. The fact is, though, that the way each of us considers and goes about sex is individually variable, so it’s only fair that the way we discuss it should reflect that. In short, we all have something to contribute to this conversation.

We are very lucky at Te Herenga Waka that the ways in which we define the bounds of pleasure and measure sexual success are expanding. As the experiences of women and non-men make their way into the campus conversation about sex, the focus has tended towards those with high libidos and a less ‘chalant’ or sentimental view of sex. This is not inherently bad, but it has caused us to shy away from traditionally ‘feminine’ traits—tenderness, sensitivity, emotional weight—and prevents the conversation from truly moving past the phallocentric confines that have historically defined how society thinks about sex.

Because of this, it can be difficult for women with a lower libido, or a more sentimental view of sex, to express these things without feeling isolated or naïve—“like you’re missing out” as I’ve heard it described. For me, it feels like a strange kind of FOMO which prevails despite a lack of desire for the thing which you are ‘missing out’ on. This approach is far more common than people think, but it doesn’t often get brought into conversation.

One student told me that when the conversation is dominated by just one perspective, it can feel like “your identity and body are misplaced in comparison to other people. Like ‘what’s wrong with me if I don’t see sex that way?’”

Another reflected: “I’ve found that because my libido is sub fucking zero I can feel a bit disconnected from what feels like is an essential driver for many women; sex as a form of freedom and liberty … I think a lot of my mindset on this is because of societal pressures and structures. To be a woman is somehow boiled down to being wanted and desired.”

She’s absolutely right. Etched into our brains since birth is a desire to be desired. As women, our self-worth is often supported—to varying degrees—by how much we are needed or wanted. Regardless of your actual experience of or feelings towards sex, it can still feel like a receipt: proof that you are desired. For many queer people, it can even act as validation of sexual orientation—a core part of the identity you might have spent so long trying to figure out. As one queer student I talked to put it, it can be confusing and invalidating “to have navigated and pinpointed who you want to be desired by but not really getting any real ‘proof’ of that.”

But the desire to be desired or validated doesn’t necessarily equate to an appetite for actual fucking—and isn’t always fulfilled by sex either. Giving up that much of your body to somebody else can be quite emptying.

One student told me that sex can be “empowering in the way that it deepens your connection with someone,” but that she’s “often left these experiences feeling a bit hollow.”

Even if you are secure within yourself, it’s hard not to feel a bit incel-y if you can’t produce this ‘receipt’ because you aren’t as buzzed by sex as a lot of other women seem to be.

Also etched into our brains is an expectation to ooze tenderness and sentimentality. I can understand our inclination, as women, to lean away from these traditionally feminine traits by adopting a less ‘chalant’ view of sex. Our separation from sensitivity is not just isolated to attitudes towards sex. A sensitive man is performative, and a sensitive woman is naïve.

This becomes obvious when we look at the muchscorned notion of the performative male. We’ve come to assume that a man who likes things traditionally rooted in femininity—feminist literature, sentimentality, Clairo—is doing it just for show, and we don’t like that. As one student observed,

“femininity in general is seen as this abject, or like gushy thing, and that idea … can leak into attitudes around sex even for women … [so] we don’t want to lean into femininity and gentleness in sex.” For me, this manifests into a compulsion to quiet my emotional investment to a palatable level. It conjures the uncomfortable feeling of being fourteen years old, taking the Rice Purity Test and liberally interpreting every item just to prove—via my low score—that I was tough and nonchalant enough to have ‘done stuff’.

Even if you do have a lower libido, or feel vulnerable about sex, it still can be empowering to talk about it as if you don’t—almost like you’re reversing the method of control men have historically exercised over women. But this just reinforces the conversational norm that there is a singular way sex should be discussed.

One student pointed out that the development of “labels that don’t fit into the linear ‘hetero to homosexual’ spectrum, like asexuality or even pansexuality,” serve as further evidence that traditional models of sexual attraction simply don’t mesh with a lot of people.

Sex positivity shouldn’t only be about letting people want sex, but about granting the freedom to want it differently, to whatever degree or in whatever form each of us desire as individuals.

Personally (though subject to change), I’m not particularly enthusiastic about sex if I don’t love or trust the other person. I see it more as an extension of a relationship, or non-sexual intimacy. Without emotional connection, it can be hard for me to feel sexual desire.

In the words of a friend of mine, it’s “... a safety thing, like ‘oh great I trust you. Now we can touch each other’.”

I’ve had stranger, less wholesome, poorly thoughtout sexual experiences which were hot(ish) in their separation from emotional ties. I have no regrets— but I don’t feel like it’s something I’d actively seek out anymore.

The phallocentric view suggests that physical pleasure is the thing you gain from sex, and the reason you pursue it. This is certainly one of the upsides. Physical pleasure—particularly for women and people AFAB—should not be overlooked. But in terms of trust, confidence, and self esteem there is for some a huge amount to be gained or lost emotionally.

The way that each of us considers and goes about sex, and the reasons why we may want it, can be influenced by a variety of factors. Victims of sexual abuse, assault or harrasment, or people who take SSRIs and other medications might have a higher standard of trust, or a lower libido. Such influences impact those who experience them very differently so individual circumstances are hugely varied. It makes sense that the way we think about sex is too.

This is also an important idea in queer relationships, where for one party there might be minimal physical pleasure. The gratification can instead come from providing pleasure for somebody else, or having it provided to you by the other party. It can be hard (for some, not all) not to feel guilty or unequal if you haven’t already established trust, or figured out the dynamics of your relationship outside of sex.

It’s not just about your sexual orientation or past experience; why and how we want sex varies and evolves throughout our lives. What I want now is not what I wanted five years ago, and it may not be what I want five years in the future, but that doesn’t mean I was ever wrong. We aren’t on a quest to find the ultimate way that sex should be viewed. Maybe the most sex-positive thing would be to allow ourselves to feel however we may feel—whether that be excitement, sentimentality, confusion, boredom, disinterest or anything else—and to be comfortable thinking and talking about it on our own terms. There is room for everyone in the conversation about sex.

Swipe Left on Online Dating

Martha Schenk

Content Warning: Sexual Harassment, Sexual Assault

When I moved to Pōneke on Valentine’s Day last year, everyone warned me about how bad the dating scene was going to be. My guard was up. I expected players, mummy’s boys, mansplainers, maybe even chlamydia. What I discovered, however, was far more sinister: men with allegations. Allegations of sexual harassment and assault.

Wherever I turned, my friends informed me, there would be men with allegations. The frontman of that local band? Allegations. The regular at my gym? Allegations. The guy in the corner at the party? Allegations. The Greens doorknocker was safe, surely? Nope. He, too, had allegations.

It all came to a head when in May, I went on a date with a guy I’d met on Hinge. He seemed kind and respectful, had the right politics, and laughed at all my jokes. We liked the same bands, hiking, dogs, and beer—all that surface level stuff you discuss on the first date. We had chemistry. I’d hit the jackpot!

Or so I thought. The night before our second date, my friends ran into him at a bar while I was at work. They had a brief chat in the smokers’ area—no red flags. But when he left, they were approached by a mutual acquaintance, who warned them that he had sexually harassed multiple women while in halls. When they phoned me, I was shocked and appalled that I’d been

none the wiser. I’d been fooled by his indie-sleaze, feminist-presenting, Pinterest-styled online persona. Needless to say, there was no second date.

As a self-proclaimed Tinder warrior since 17 (bad, I know), I’ve had my fair share of awry first dates. But for the first time, I realised what is obvious to many: when you go on a date with someone from a dating app, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.

Unfortunately, my story doesn’t stand alone. Many people experience far worse. A Vic student responded anonymously to Salient's call out, detailing a man they met online and dated for two months. The student found out through “background research and people on Insta” that this man “had been harassing other girls before, possibly during, and after we dated.” The student was also sexually harassed during the relationship.

Another anonymous respondent recalled briefly dating a man before having to get a protection order against him because of harassment and abuse. “He turned out to also have a prior conviction for sexual activity with a younger person.”

A survey of 51 Salient readers revealed that 25.5% had been on a date from an online dating site or app and later found out that their date had allegations of

sexual harassment or assault. Additionally, 39.6% had entered into communications with someone from an online dating app or site only to later discover that the person had allegations of sexual harassment or assault. If you think that you’re safe because you only use dating apps as a mobile game of smash-or-pass, or an ego booster on a Saturday night, you are sadly mistaken. You don’t even need to be going out on dates to be in danger, as a female Te Herenga Waka student told Salient:

“I used to work at [redacted] gyms… I only had Tinder for a few months and quickly realised it was a stupid idea. A few guys that I knew I had already swiped ‘no’ on would come chat to me while I was working on shift. I was just being friendly as I was literally working my customer facing job… but I had to reject these men while I was at work. It got bad enough that I noticed one specific guy started following me home whenever I finished the closing shifts at 9pm.” The student says she never reported it to the police because she felt guilty: “If I ruined their life or something. And I wasn’t sure if we just lived in the same area”.

And that’s just the thing—while records of sexual harassment reports aren’t readily available, Manatū Wāhine (Ministry for Women) estimates that 89.9% of sexual assaults from 2019-2024 went unreported to police.

Furthermore, only 4.2% of sexual assault reports result in charges being laid, and only 1.2% result in convictions. In Aotearoa’s current justice system, reporting sexual harassment and assault is arduous and traumatic, often involves social stigma, and hardly ever rules in favour of the victim.

Instead, people rely on word of mouth as a safety net—and increasingly, digital communities. One such platform is Instagram account ‘welly_warning’, which collects anonymous reports of alleged sexual harassment and assault, posting photos, names, and even workplaces of alleged offenders. Sure, it’s not a perfect system, but desperation doesn’t allow for perfection.

The truth is that online dating sites and apps don’t screen for sexual harassment or assault charges—and even less so allegations. When you’re introduced to someone through a mutual friend, coworker, or family member, you have the assurance of a trusted recommendation—a moral reference.

But when you meet someone online, they can portray themselves as anything they want, with no history attached. They can lie about their height, their job, their hairline—sure. But they can also lie about criminal convictions, charges, and allegations, taking advantage of a clean slate of six to eight curated photos and a witty one-liner.

You might think that you can spot them from a mile away, but you can’t. Just because they read Virginia Woolf, just because they listen to Faye Webster, just because they’re dressed head-to-toe in recycled Carhartt, paint their nails, and are vegetarian for the environment, doesn’t make them safe. Self-declared feminists, hippies, finance-bros, musos, skaters, geeks, DJ’s, climbers, law students, artists, gym-bros—men with allegations can be found in every facet, aesthetic, and stereotype.

So what can you do? If you’re not ready to press delete on Hinge, Grindr, Tinder, Bumble or Feeld, New Zealand organisation Netsafe recommends being cautious about sharing personal images and sensitive or intimate information if you don’t know someone well. This includes your place of work, what hall you’re in, what time you take the bus every day, who your lecturer is, and where your favourite coffee spot is.

Additionally, I would recommend actively asking around before you go on an in-person date. Send their profile to your girls’ group chat. Ask your coworkers. Show your flatmates, classmates, and teammates. If you have mutuals on Instagram (you will, because it’s Wellington) who you know well enough, ask them what your date is like. If anyone raises red flags, take them seriously.

It's sad that we have to take such extensive precautions, but community really is what will keep us safe. Wellington is a small city, and the advantage of that is that everyone knows everyone. If someone has allegations of sexual harassment or assault, sooner or later people will find out, and the information will follow that person—I believe deservedly so.

Online dating can be exciting. But remember: you have no idea who the person on the other side of that screen truly is.

Broken In

It started with the bedspread. Red, threadbare— the kind of fabric that clings in summer, that snags if you move too quickly. You said it looked cheap, felt worse. But I watched your hand linger on it when you thought I wasn’t looking, stroking the roughness like it calmed something restless inside you.

The first cigarette burn came on a Sunday. You were propped against the headboard in those boxers you always wore, waistband loose, curls spilling low. I remember staring, caught by how easily you carried heat, how even your stillness radiated it. The ember slipped, dropped onto the bed, hissed a warning before it scarred the fabric.

‘Shit,’ you muttered, brushing at the mark. But you didn’t look worried. You studied the damage the way you sometimes studied me—with a kind of amused detachment, as though you didn’t mind what you’d done, as though you’d half meant it.

‘It’s ruined now,’ I said.

‘Nah,’ you smiled. ‘It’s just getting broken in.’

You always killed the light before you kissed me. ‘It’s better this way,’ you said. I didn’t ask why. I caught glimpses anyway: the slope of your collarbone in moonlight, teeth flashing at my throat, sweat bright on your temple.

In the dark, you became texture: stubble rasping my skin, the weight of your knee pressing into the mattress, your breath hot and damp at my ear. You pushed my thighs open like it was instinct, like you’d done it a hundred times before. You moved inside me with a rough steadiness, hips snapping, breath hitching, the rhythm more animal than tender. When I tried to catch your face, your hand pressed mine back down to the sheets.

Your voice broke when you said my name, guttural, half-growl, the word no longer language but a sound pulled from your body. The bed squealed beneath us. Sweat soaked into the

Phoebe Robertson

mattress, slicking my back, until the whole room smelled of salt and sex.

After, your arm would drape across my waist, ribs aching under its heaviness. The ceiling sagged above us, pale and cracked, a jagged vein splitting toward the dead bulb.

‘Do you think it’s growing?’ I asked once, tracing the fissure with my eyes.

You didn’t answer immediately. Your fingers twitched at my hip, calluses dragging across skin as if to keep yourself tethered. Finally, you murmured, ‘Yeah. It wasn’t that long before.’ Your voice was rough, sanded down.

The weeks slid into each other. Cigarette ash on the dresser, damp towels heaped at the foot of the bed, your socks shoved under the mattress like offerings. We ate standing up sometimes, takeout cartons dripping grease onto the counter. You never stayed long enough for breakfast, but your scent lingered, sharp, sour, metallic, even after the door clicked behind you.

Nights blurred most. You came back late, body keyed up, hands impatient. Sometimes you fucked me without words, barely stripping the covers down, your weight pressing me flat. Other times you slowed, dragging it out—biting, licking, tugging me apart in increments until I felt strung open, raw. You left bruises like fingerprints, small half-moons where your teeth grazed. When I touched them later, they pulsed.

The night you came home with dried blood under your nails, I didn’t ask. Rust clung to the grooves, turning your touch into splinters. When your hand grazed my arm, it left a faint burn.

Later, I took your hand and licked the blood away. I started at the base of your palm, tongue tracing each ridge, slow. The taste hit metallic, bitter. I worked the nail beds one by one, sucking the iron loose, warm against my tongue. The blood softened under heat, smearing slick. I swallowed fast, too fast, gagging slightly, then went back for more.

Your fingers flexed against my mouth, almost pulling away, almost shoving deeper. I closed my lips tighter, teeth grazing the nail edge, until you hissed. My tongue darted into the half-moons where the blood had clotted, scraping it clean. The tang bloomed thick, unbearable, but I didn’t stop. I wanted every trace.

You watched, silent. When I finally let go, my lips were stained dark, my chin streaked. I wiped it with the back of my hand, but the taste clung, briny, alive.

The sheets were eggshell blue, soft but thinning. I loved the way your freckled skin glowed against them. When you leaned over me, muscles taut, sweat pooling at your collarbone, I twisted toward the mirror on the bedside table, hungry to catch your face.

‘Hold still,’ you’d say, hands clamping me in place. You could pin me easily, but I never found a way to hold you.

Afterward, when you thought I slept, your touch changed. Fingers drifted lightly across my stomach. Your breath slowed. You pressed your chest against my back, lips brushing my shoulder so faintly it felt like apology.

But you never said the words. Instead, you left traces: a tangled silver chain on the dresser, a smear of ash on the headboard, cologne sharp on the pillow.

The last time I saw you, you stood in the doorway, keys spinning in your palm. Each metallic click cracked the silence. Your shoulders bunched, weight shifting, eyes refusing mine.

‘See you later,’ I said.

You grunted, jaw tight. The keys slowed in your hand, edges digging into your skin. For a moment, it looked like you might speak. But the air held heavy, unmoved. You turned instead, broad back familiar, and stepped into the hall.

I waited two months before I knew you weren’t coming back. The sheets stayed crumpled, the grooves of your body pressed deep. At night, sliding in, I felt the stiff salt of your sweat rise sharp when I moved too much.

Your scent clung still—sour, metallic, faint. Rolling onto my side, I breathed it in, feral as an animal seeking the last trace of its mate.

When I finally tore the sheets free, they dragged and snagged, brittle in places, clammy in others. I gathered them to my chest, their weight pressing cold, as though they’d become another body.

The washing machine rattled when I shoved them in. Lavender detergent hit hard—sweet, cloying, almost obscene against the memory of you.

The machine lurched to life, water slapping the drum. The duvet button struck glass, a sharp click-click-click, faster and faster until it blurred into the churn. The sheets vanished beneath the water, swallowed whole. Froth bubbled up, leaving only a tangle of pale, sodden threads— stripped of weight, of form, of you.

one afternoon in the flat...

dawg, i keep getting blocked on tinder. what am i doing wrong?!

last week...

omg girls, we are going to have the best day out!

well maybe you should watch where you're going.

WHAT YOUR FAVOURITE MEDIA SAYS ABOUT YOUR

People like to insist their media tastes are neutral, accidental, or purely about “good storytelling,” which is interesting given how consistently those tastes line up with the way they flirt, date, and behave in bed.

This quiz isn’t scientific, but it is based on the fact that people who love prestige television are rarely as chill as they think they are. Add up your letters at the end and sit with (or share with the group chat) whatever that reveals.

Pick your favourite horror movie:

A. Saw

B. Nightmare on Elm Street

C. Midsommar

D. Sinners

E. The Exorcist

Pick your favourite reality TV:

A. Fear Factor

B. The Traitors

C. Alone

D. Master Chef

E. The Amazing Race

Pick your favourite actress:

A. Mia Goth

B. Zendaya

C. Kristen Stewart

D. Anya Taylor-Joy

E. Meryl Streep

Pick your favourite scandalous TV:

A. Temptation Island

B. Too Hot to Handle

C. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives

D. Love is Blind

E. Love Island

SEXLIFE...

Pick your favourite TV drama:

A. Succession

B. Euphoria

C. Normal People

D. Mad Men

E. The Sopranos

Pick your favourite actor:

A. Joaquin Phoenix

B. Michael B Jordan

C. Daniel Radcliff

D. Oscar Issac

E. George Clooney

Pick your favourite animation:

A. Attack on Titan

B. Avatar: The Last Airbender

C. Bojack Horseman

D. Studio Ghibli films

E. The Simpsons

Pick your favourite TV comedy:

A. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

B. What we Do in the Shadows

C. The Bear

D. Fleabag

E. The Office

Pick your favourite director:

A. Emerald Fennell

B. Stephen Spielberg

C. Alfred Hitchcock

D. Wes Anderson

E. George Lucas

mostly a’s - sadist, kinky

You like inTensiTY, and You geT uneasY When Things are Too quieT, Too genTle, or Too easY. You’re draWn To conTrol - or aT leasT The careFul negoTiaTion oF iT. TrusT maTTers To You; You like being TrusTed WiTh oTher people’s vulnerabiliTY. You’re direcT abouT WhaT You WanT, and You don’T reallY do subTle Things. Your sex liFe is deliberaTe, oFTen inTense, and verY much happening, WheTher or noT You Talk abouT iT. You deFiniTelY knoW WhaT FeTliFe is.

mostly b’s - roleplay, fantasy-driven

You WanT conTexT. You care abouT mood, build-up, and The speciFic dYnamic You’re sTepping inTo WiTh someone. FanTasY isn’T an escape For You so much as a WaY oF undersTanding YourselF - You like TrYing on roles, sTreTching idenTiTY, seeing hoW desire shiFTs depending on The sTorY You’re Telling. You FlirT easilY, even iF You Frame iT as joking, and You’re selecTive abouT Who geTs access To This side oF You. Your sex liFe mighT noT be consTanT, buT iT is imaginaTive, inTenTional, and verY You.

mostly c’s - on antidepressants/not having much sex

You’re Tired in a WaY ThaT’s hard To explain, so You usuallY jusT saY You’re “busY“ or “noT reallY Feeling iT laTelY. sex sounds nice in TheorY, buT in pracTice iT can Feel like Too much eFForT. You crave inTimacY more Than urgencY and You’d raTher Talk For hours Than rush inTo anYThing phYsical. This isn’T a Failure or a FlaW - iT’s jusT a loW-sex period, and You’re selFaWare enough To recognise iT. You Will have sex again. jusT noT righT noW, and ThaT’s okaY.

mostly d’s - classy, sensual, eats box

You’re aTTenTive, calm, and conFidenT, Which makes You exTremelY eFFecTive. You believe ForeplaY is essenTial, noT opTional, and You don’T rush To inTimacY because You enjoY The sTeps ThaT geT You There. You lisTen, You noTice, and You care abouT pleasure being muTual raTher Than impressive. You’re noT loud abouT being good aT This, buT You are - and people Tend To remember You.

mostly e’s - classic, loud, slighty masochistic

You are noT subTle, and You’ve never reallY Tried To be. You like WhaT You like, You Feel Things inTenselY, and You don’T believe good sex should be quieT or resTrained. You’re expressive, emoTionallY and phYsicallY, and You commiT FullY raTher Than holding back. a biT oF drama doesn’T scare You - iT probablY Turns You on - and You’re comForTable WiTh sensaTion, inTensiTY, and release. Your FlaTmaTes have deFiniTelY heard Things TheY didn’T need To, and honesTlY, You’re Fine WiTh ThaT. You’re having sex, and everYone knoWs iT.

Take this quiz with your friends or flatmates and compare scores. Who’s mild? Who’s extra spicy? Be honest… we won’t tell (but your score might).

How to play:

This game has multiple rounds—do as many or as few as you want. Perfect for pacing yourselves or ramping things up. This game is meant to be fun, lighthearted, and pressure-free. Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, and comfort levels—and every score is valid (including not wanting to answer questions). Always prioritize consent, communication, and mutual respect, and remember that safe sex helps keep everyone healthy and happy. Check in with partners, know your limits, and keep conversations open. Play smart, play kind, and enjoy the spice.

Once everyone’s done, you can add up your individual scores and compare them to how many rounds you played. Each round has a maximum score of 15, so the total possible points depend on how many rounds you chose (for example, two rounds = 30 points total).

If you’re feeling brave, add everyone’s scores together, divide by the number of players, and compare that group average to the total possible score for the rounds you completed.

No math required if you don’t want it—but if you do…the average never lies…

Round One:

Give yourself 1 point for every item you’ve done.

◊ French kissed someone?

◊ Given or received a hickey?

◊ Been on a date?

◊ Been in a relationship?

◊ Played a game that involved stripping?

◊ Gotten flirty or explicit over video chat?

◊ Sent or received a spicy text?

◊ Watched or read porn?

◊ Masturbated to a picture or video?

◊ Given oral sex?

◊ Received oral sex?

◊ Used a sex toy with a partner?

◊ Seen a stripper?

◊ Had a booty call?

◊ Done something sexual in a car?

Round Two:

Give yourself 1 point for every item you’ve done.

◊ Had a one-night stand?

◊ Caught feelings when you definitely weren’t supposed to?

◊ Kissed someone you just met?

◊ Hooked up with a friend? >

◊ Hooked up with a friend’s friend?

◊ Gone back to an ex?

◊ Had a “we said we wouldn’t” situation?

◊ Kept something secret from the group?

◊ Sent a risky text and immediately panicked?

◊ Broken one of your own dating rules?

◊ Been involved in a “situationship”?

◊ Had chemistry you absolutely couldn’t ignore?

◊ Stayed the night when you swore you wouldn’t?

◊ Thought “this is a terrible idea” and did it anyway?

◊ Woke up and said, “Well… that happened”?

Round Three:

If you’ve done the deed in any of the places below, add 1 point for each.

◊ On a couch?

◊ Over the kitchen counter?

◊ On a balcony?

◊ In front of a mirror?

◊ In a body of water?

◊ At a party (while it was still happening)?

◊ In a bathroom that wasn’t yours?

◊ In a hotel room?

◊ In or on a car?

◊ At a friend’s house?

◊ In public?

◊ Outdoors but not planned at all?

◊ At your parents’ house?

◊ Somewhere you definitely could’ve been caught?

◊ On the beach?

Round Four:

Give yourself 1 point for each thing you’ve tried.

◊ Used a safe word?

◊ Negotiated boundaries beforehand?

◊ Used handcuffs or restraints (real or improvised)?

◊ Tried edging?

◊ Role-played?

◊ Tried power play (dominant or submissive)?

◊ Pegged someone or been pegged?

◊ Gotten food involved?

◊ Experimented with temperature play?

◊ Brought feet into the mix?

◊ Tried a kink you learned about online?

◊ Discovered a new kink by accident?

◊ Made a sex tape?

◊ Been on a leash—or leashed someone else?

◊ Used a flogger?

This week, Hunk Unc is deeply concerned. Hunk Unc also has not got any sexy advice for whatever the hell this is, so instead, I am going to match you two deeply fucked up students together in Hunk Unc’s game of love. I’ll give you both advice, and maybe you can find each other in one of the many morally questionable places in this city (Red Square), lock eyes across a sticky dancefloor, and realise you’ve finally met someone who truly understands you. Do a switch. Fall in love. Move in together. Terrify a landlord.

My advice to you, Shitting-in-the-Shower, is that you try buttering sausages between your cheeks for a week. Really engage the glutes. Squeeze with purpose. Think of it as unconventional activation work. And for Buttered-Sausages, take a break from that and start shitting in the shower. With your newly developing dairy intolerance, it’ll probably go down the drain better with your body finally rejecting all that lactose you’ve been spiritually and physically absorbing. Growth requires sacrifice. Love requires compromise. Plumbing requires resilience.

Hunk Unc may have hit the gym, but he’s still here for the people. If uni life has you stressed about flatmate drama, lecturer issues, or whatever is going on in your dating life, Hunk Unc has advice your parents definitely want to hear. Equal parts wisdom and gains.

To submit a question, scan the QR code on the page. If your problem needs a spotter, Hunk Unc might just get back to you.

But in all seriousness, Buttered-Sausages, there is a very simple solution for you: Olivani Olive Oil Spread 500g ($6.09 at New World at the time of writing this, because Hunk Unc does his fiscal research). It’s plant-based. Clean. Lean. Mediterranean bulk. There you go, you no longer have to give up your true passion for your father’s proud dairy legacy. And maybe without slow-roasting your cheeks in butter every night, your body will find it easier to break down the cheese your dad sends you. Family first. Macros second. Butt health third.

As for you, Shitting-in-the-Shower, my solution to you is this: Drain-O. Simply stick some Drain-O down the pipes after your next performance. The smell will be gone and the drain will be squeaky clean, like a well-oiled barbell. Worried about the noise? Start singing in the shower. Project from the diaphragm like you’re hitting a PR. Worried about the smell? Light a candle. Two candles. Create ambience. Make it romantic. Worried about the flatmates? I’m going to tell you this gently: some people are meant to live alone. You are one of these people.

But beneath the butter and beneath the drain crimes, I see something beautiful. Two misunderstood titans of poor decisionmaking who simply haven’t found their spotter yet. You don’t need shame. You need each other. Imagine it: one flat, one shower, one shared understanding—olive oil spread on the counter, Drain-O under the sink, and aggressive plumbing maintenance as your love language.

Welcome back to Munch, where I have startling news. Certain readers of my work have made crude insinuations about the content of my first column, claiming to find lewd double-meanings within my diction. I have chosen not to engage with such libel and will continue to publish my humble guide to eating out with honesty and innocence.

However, this week we will deviate slightly.

Pōneke is a beautiful city this time of year and—as the adage goes—you simply can’t beat it on a good day, even if you’re alone. Inspired by the beautiful weather we’ve had recently, I wanted to share some prime locations where you might take a loved one (or ones), lay down a blanket or a towel, and enjoy a good meal.

Princess Bay

During Wellington’s generally week-long summer, it’s important to go and make the most of the sunshine, clear skies, and warm weather. On our little peninsula, there are a multitude of stunning beaches which are suited for all sorts of activities. The water down here tends to stay cold until the very end of the season, and with the risk of a southerly breeze or shitstorm never an impossibility, sometimes it’s best to get wet without going in the water. If that appeals, may I recommend Princess Bay around the twilight hour. It’s a beautiful spot that catches most of the sunset, the next best thing after the Makara coast (though Tongue Point is meant to be spectacular, if you can go down there). >

A FEED FOR F*CK ALL

The multiple carpark bays at Princess are surrounded by beachside shrubbery and offer some modicum of privacy, should you wish to dine in the car relatively undisturbed. While it’s a well-known spot for late-night liaisons, most people understand the desire for seclusion and will opt to pull in to their own bay. If you’re worried, adopting a Chappell Roan “Casual”-style dining position should keep you covered from the eyes of passersby. And, should you need to wash your hands or mouth afterwards, the sea is right there; a cold dip is always refreshing after a particularly spicy affair.

Wrights Hill

If sunsets by the sea don’t whet your appetite, why not take your snack somewhere a little higher? The nighttime vistas from Wrights Hill are sure to get a rise out of any partner. Like Princess Bay, there are separate carpark areas—one with a view over the starry city lights, while the other side looks over the shadowy Makara hills and blinking red-light district of the West Wind farm. Everyone loves dinner and a show, even if it’s just you having dinner while they get the show.

If people have beaten you to the parking lots and you’re not into being watched while you eat, why not explore the gun emplacements and underground tunnels dug throughout the hill. A little spooky, maybe, but that’s good to get the blood pumping, and I’m sure there’s plenty of space down there for a proper, sprawledout picnic.

Mount Victoria

However, neither Princess Bay nor Wright’s Hill are super accessible, both sitting on the outskirts of the city. They’re certainly not public-transport-able, unless you don’t mind a 20 minute walk to work up your appetite. However, for an evening of dining out with a partner, you’re likely to want your own space anyway, so a car is rather useful. Those mindful of the time might wish to explore a closer peak—seeking their own nook on Mount Victoria, for example. It can be reached easily by car, by bus, by bike, or foot, and I’m sure that intrepid diners will find a lovely, quiet spot to dine together.

May I advise, however, not to get too excited. Of course you want to have at it while everything’s hot; your imagination is thinking ahead already and your mouth’s started watering. But on this peak, patience is key... definitely for those bringing their own car. Tempting as it may be, do not lean over for a quick taste. These winding, onelane roads require focus and good reflexes on the brakes, no matter how worked up you are for what’s to come. Take it slow and steady (there’s no points for arriving first, anyway). And for those taking public transport, absolutely not! No eating on the bus.

This list is by no means exhaustive of where to eat out in Wellington, consider it just the tip. As always, bring plenty of napkins, packaging, and something to wrap leftovers in; make sure everyone is happy with what’s on the menu; and give your compliments to the chef. Eet smakkelijk!

critic-at-LARGE

Jackson McCarthy is Salient's Critic-at-Large. His first book of poetry, Portrait, is forthcoming from Auckland University Press later this year.

Baby, What Was That?

How Heated Rivalry helped us talk about sex

Mild spoilers ahead.

A number of major album releases last week— Mitski, Gorillaz, Bruno Mars, Bill Calahan, 2charm—but I’m putting them all on hold to cover Heated Rivalry this Sex Week, the softcoreporno-turned-character-drama that captivated the zeitgeist last December. There’s a lot to say about the show as a “phenomenon” generally: how it came together on a shoestring budget; was shot at speed over the span of thirtysix days; has launched the careers of its two impressive leads; and even how it’s reopened discussions about straight women’s engagement with gay male romances narratives. What I want to do here, though, is think about the show as a work of art: what it captures of us and why we were so captured by it.

I think part of its success comes from how Heated Rivalry struck its audience in a way rather similar to how intense erotic desire itself does. Its first two episodes in particular run on a highly-sexed charge: Shane Hollander (Hudson Williams) and Ilya Rosanov (Connor Storrie) meet first as up-and-coming teenage hockey players, and there’s immediately a spark. Ilya’s dark, brooding, sexed, and distant (Storrie’s botched Russian accent is weirdly convincing here) and Shane’s sheltered, shy, but at least— as he at one point confesses—owns a dildo. The phenoms are quickly drafted onto rival teams, but the hockey of it all sort of falls to the wayside. A few steamy scenes of on-again offagain hotel sex later, interspersed by title cards that travel us six years (!) in the characters’ lives and careers, and Heated Rivalry has arrived at its third episode largely devoid of characterisation beyond these initial cliches. Me and my flatmate got the slightly guilty feeling that what we were watching was just softcore porn. Favourite line so far? Shane’s accidentally hilarious “Why the fuck did you think it was okay to sext me before the game? What the fuck!”

Until its finale, the show continues at this montage pace—and we the audience are caught up in the heat of it. Ilya treats Shane rather distantly; Shane longingly craves Ilya’s heart, not just his body. The fantasy of a sleazy, domineering guy like Ilya, though, is not that Shane literally wants to be objectified as a sex object. Rather it’s that, in Ilya’s incessant desire for sex, he removes the boundary of shame to help Shane access his own pleasure—all without the indignity of Shane having to ask for it himself. It’s telling that one of the sexual games the couple plays in Episode 2 has Shane “beg” precisely for the sex that Ilya’s dominance and forwardness had previously rendered a given: they break the rule to show us how it had been operating.

“The heat of it” was the phrase I just used to describe the subject matter and narrative speed of these first two episodes—and who doesn’t feel like dating so often starts with the hookup or the dreaded “situationship” phase, knee-deep in the passenger seat, these days? We live in an age where sex is available and consumable on monetised dating apps, and frank discussions about sexual desires and experiences are no longer so taboo. In a similar way, Heated Rivalry answers all of its questions about sexual compatibility upfront: our boys gravitate to each other like magnets. What’s really risque in the context of such sexual frankness is romance.

Something changes at Episode 4, in which Shane misreads what Ilya intends as a moment of intimacy. Feeling chastised by Ilya’s talk of sleeping with girls, and frightened at the prospect of glimpsing the Ilya he needs when he could so easily slip away, Shane calls things off. From this point on, I reckon, Heated Rivalry really becomes Shane’s show, as he slowly learns to lead with love and not fear; as he learns to speak clearly about what it is he needs from his partner. In this, it also becomes a genuinely impressive and convincing character drama.

Isn’t this sort of like how desire works, too? We go along with our lives, our jobs and studies and hobbies, perhaps a random one night stand here and there, when suddenly someone special comes along. Things are turned upside down: the verb associated with this feeling is falling, after all. The hours we’re socialised to have sex in (late night, early morning) are notable in this because they threaten the supremacy of working hours. Running late to your 9-to-5 after a long night with bae? Must be love on the brain.

What I’m trying to say is that, by its fourth episode, I’d fallen head over heels for Heated Rivalry. What began as a guilty indulgence, a summer fling, had evolved into something else—and the show only gets better from there. The extraordinary Episode 5 has had much written about it already, and it’s a highly accomplished piece of television for how it coordinates a number of narrative threads in an epic setpiece, among other reasons. But what really impresses is the quiet Episode 6: set on Shane’s home turf, at his holiday home, it's

the only one of the season’s six episodes that doesn’t move at that aforementioned “montage pace”. We spend a slow few days with the couple, this slower sense of timing throwing those prior episodes into a kind of retrospect, as though the tumultuous beginnings of these characters’ relationship is being remembered by their current, older, wiser selves.

If, in the early phases of their relationship, Ilya’s dominance released Shane from the shame of wanting sex, the latter half of the season sees Shane slowly wresting some of that control back from his partner, opening Ilya up to the possibilities of fidelity and romance. That this power play manifests in the normative dyads of top/bottom, dominant/submissive, foreign/ local, et cetera, in the context of the show’s lead couple—Ilya/Shane—is so obvious it barely needs remarking. But part of what I love about Heated Rivalry is how straightforwardly it includes these discourses about sex: like any good piece of genre fiction, a lot of its would-be subtext is right in front of our eyes.

It now seems almost like a dream that just a month or so ago this show consumed both my and my social circle’s thinking. My very astute friend Alex wondered if part of its appeal was that it allowed its viewers a chance to talk about their own relationships with pornography, sex, and desire by deferring them onto the show’s ostensibly “fictional” characters—and I think she’s absolutely right on that front. But a lot of media works that way, right? What’s special about Heated Rivalry is how its methods are mimetic of its subject: it struck its audience much like its titular rivalry struck its protagonists. Over six episodes, its initial raunchiness dissolves into romance, erotic intimacy, and subtle characterisation—that bait-and-switch is called love, and even its protagonists didn’t want to see it coming. What a massive show.

want to get in touch, tip me off, or rage at me electronically?

jackson@salient.org.nz

Will vs Facebook Marketplace

Within the span of a week, I’ll be trying to accomplish a long-term task just to see if it’s possible, and to see what I can get out of it. Life lessons? Skills? Resilience training? The stimulation alone should be enough motivation.

This week, I challenged myself to beat Facebook Marketplace. I’ve never really liked using it—aside from occasionally browsing flat listings—but after discovering the “One Red Paperclip” story, I felt inspired. In 2005, Canadian blogger Kyle MacDonald famously traded a single red paperclip all the way up to a house in just one year. And from this I thought, “I could do that…but in a week.”

Saturday: 21st February

First day. I went through multiple items, and landed on two interesting things to start me off:

• A Toaster

• A Golden Scooter

Disappointingly, I quickly found out that people didn’t seem to understand what I was doing. There were a lot of vague questions, unintelligible responses, and a lot of being left on seen.

Monday: 23rd February

After a weekend of no interest. I had one last trick up my sleeve, and wanted to run it by: Vic Deals, the Facebook group with over 250,000 members. It’s the digital equivalent to everyone in Pōneke yelling at the same time. Nico (friend, known Marketplace haggler) was apprehensive, as it’s notorious for being a melting pot of poor politics and lost cats. Yet, I said I’d adopt their confidence and dive headfirst into the jungle, as it seemed to be my last hope.

Tuesday: 24th February

A big jump in content occurred today, and I was ecstatic. Firstly, a nice lady named Haddley traded my toaster for a bottle of Prosecco! I was nervous to meet her outside the Vivian Street Subway, but she was nice and very glad to get a new toaster that would actually work.

I listed the Prosecco & the scooter on Vic Deals, scared to be saying anything with a massive spotlight on me. However, a lot of people were invested in the challenge. I was starting to get some interesting trade offers: a bowling ball, a half eaten jar of honey, a puffer vest, and (my personal favorite) an art print of someone’s penis. These were the kind of weird, kooky items I was hoping for. I had to accept trades carefully, as if I accepted too quickly I might be stuck at the end of the week with someone’s penis that no one wants.

Wednesday: 25th February

This day was the highlight of the whole challenge. I finally got rid of the scooter for a FULL DRUM KIT! A seriously dope guy named Mike apparently had an older boss who has a scooter he rides around in his office, and he wanted one to match! Despite the kit being a bit old, I am forever in debt to Mike, who I met up in a random parking building to make the handoff. I saw him ride off with my stolen scooter as I drove away with the drums.

Additionally, my next door neighbor Ava saw the Prosecco post on Marketplace and wanted to get in on the action. She was having a REALLY bad week due the power being out. In return for the Prosecco, she gave me a pink road cone that she spray-painted.

Thursday: 26th February

After I listed the drum kit, Vic Deals seemed to be invested in keeping up to date. By this point, I was a Top Contributor! A dude named Liam gave me his BMX bike! Looking back, the bike is probably one tier down from a drum kit, but I’m so glad not to lug the snares around and am very happy to trade it for something with wheels.

Friday: 27th February

The last day of the challenge. I listed the bike on the group, but so far had no bites. Content with this, I thought I was going to end the week on a boring note with no more trades … until Ivanna.

Apparently Ivanna has an affinity for pink things, and really wanted the pink road cone. When I asked her what she had to offer, y’know what she pulled up with? TWO pink/gold cigarettes originally from London! Despite not being a smoker, I happily took the imported ciggies out of aesthetic desire. I waved Ivanna off, and went up to my flat happy to end the challenge with two fags and a bicycle.

Did I win this challenge? I reckon! What have I learned? People on Marketplace are weird, but you can count on community contribution to pull through. While I ride my new BMX bike, I’ll be hoping Haddley’s toast doesn’t burn this time, Ava raises a glass to her power turning back on, Ivanna has another trip to Europe, Mike takes his boss to the skate park, and Liam is able to play some real drums instead of his cheap electric set.

Oh Yes, Oh No is where sex stories go to be judged. Was it hot? Was it a disaster? You decide. All stories are submitted by

one time I made a guy come 6 times with a handjob alone. we fucked for about 6 hours and he made me come 14 times, i have a vagaina so i was very impressed. submitted by anonmous

It was my first relationship and we were horny teens. One day we had been teasing each other all day at school, which included me giving him a handjob in English class under a pillow. We were hanging around school once school had ended. And the tension had built up so we went behind a small bush, in front of the sports shed, where I dropped to my knees and started giving him head. After a few minutes went by, we heard some rustling but decided to ignore it. However, someone walked behind the bush to get into the shed and we made eye contact. The person who caught us was an older student and immediately backed away while swearing and yelling out to his mates. Let’s just say I was terrified of going back to school so I transferred and have never spoken of this again.

submitted by anonmous

drunk. The night goes on and we dance and make out. He keeps ?" Look - I think a big ol thang is wonderful. However. That's not all there is to sex. Anyways, we get back to his place and this guy has a 10 incher. About half way through I realize this is the worst sex of my life. He has no rhythm, no passion. I then thought to myself, "this isn't worth being sleep deprived at work for." Then he started whining and insisted that he could "convince" me. Long story short, I booked an Uber while he was still "trying" to get me to stay in his own way... God it felt good to get in bed by myself 30 minutes later. submitted by anonmous

I was greeted by a barefooted man, clearly capable in the art of taking flattering photos. Our banter had been good and I was in a charitable mood so I followed him up to his flat. Upon entering a waft of B.O assaulted my nose and exceedingly worse a gallon of pre workout sitting next to his bed. We put on f*cking scooby doo of all things. You maybe

be wondering why on earth I would stay after all of these things, and truthfully it was he had a massive dick. I thought he might know how to use it but after giving him head for approximately 3 minutes he put it in me and came straight way. Now i never judge men for coming fast the first time cause the anticipation can build and you know what? valid. So we made some small talk of very uninteresting things and then tried again. In which he lasted even shorter than the first time. I told him I was tired, ordered an uber and booked it out of there. This experience ruined scooby doo for me forever. submitted by anonmous

102 Headlands that jut into

4 Large serving dish

5 More greasy

6 Eye-searing shade you might see on a sign (4,3)

8 Solvents found in many nail-polish removers

9 Take a place at the table (3,2)

10 Rendered fat once used for candles and soap

11 Great Lakes group that includes one bordering Pennsylvania

Capital of the Bahamas

Colorful shawls often seen in Mexican markets

One who skips the big wedding

Herbal drink sometimes sipped for a sore throat (4,3)

Connects neatly to what came before (3,2)

Large properties that may have gates and long drives

18 Person who tries something out

29 Moral misstep, in many traditions

32Cuts into small cubes

33 British special forces unit, for short

35 Official species chosen to represent a region of America (5,4)

36 Guiding principle for a company or group (4,5)

37 Recovers by catching some extra sleep (5,2)

38 Person who resists new technology

39 Small area at the top of

a staircase

40 One who raises animals for particular traits

42 Flexible tempo markings in musical scores

43 Farm machine that bundles hay

44 Calmed with medication

45 Stoats in their white winter coats

46 Have as one's own

48 Saint associated with the Italian town of the same name

49 Confined behind bars

50 Parties where beer flows from taps

53 MLB legend with 755 career home runs

54 Ages between 13 and 19

57 Last name of Italian sociologist who studied consumption trends

64 Consumer advocate who wrote “Unsafe at

ACROSS

Any Speed”

69 German article meaning "the"

70 Holder of an issued invention right

71 Catherine of French cinema

72 People who are very successful, informally

73 Women with the same name as nun who won Nobel Peace Prize in 1979

75 Distress call in Morse

76 Attacks with lowflying gunfire

77 Take one's clothes off

78 Chinese tech conglomerate behind major gaming and social platforms

79 May who wrote lournal of a Solitude

80 U.S., for short, in travel contexts

81 Cry for attention in a self-centered way (2,2,2)

82 Name shared by the novelist Tovey

1 Interrupt rudely during a conversation (3,2)

7 Neighborhood on the right side of many city maps (4, 3)

13 Group of six working together

19 More in advance than expected

20 R&B pop singer with hits like "1, 2 Step" and "Goodies"

21 General feeling that something isn't quite right

22 Give a soft glow around the edges

23 Document detailing songs to be performed at a concert (3,4)

24 Reference book used when the perfect word won't come

25 Putting plainly into words

26 Stories passed around among friends

27 Stares at with mouth open (5,2)

28 More biting

29 "In a manner of speaking," (2,2, 3)

30 Small and delicately sized

31 Chose takeout instead of going out (7, 2)

33 Calmer than before

34 Eats out or sits down for a meal

37 Campus helpers who live in the dorms

41 Flashes in quick pulses

47 In a tough situation without an easy fix (2,1,5)

51 Vibes people sometimes claim to sense around others

52 Within a short distance of (4, 2)

55 Woman visited by Zeus in myth

83 US food chain known for soups, salads, and sandwiches

85 Nymph abandoned by Paris in Greek myth

86 Plant-based protein made from wheat gluten

87 Audio setup with left and right channels

90 Maurice who composed Boléro

91 Carbonated mixer often paired with gin all in a day's clue

56 Click before you hit the road

58 Ladies, in oldfashioned speech

59 Avoids something quickly

60 Lower-leg armor pieces in historical kits

61 Changes from case to case

62 Admission after being caught exaggerating (1,4)

63 "Can't stay-need to go," informally (1,5,3)

65 Metric unit equal to 1,000 kilograms

66 One directly behind another, type of bike

67 Join a class or program

68 Lack of color in the face

69 Stops talking suddenly (5,2)

73 Abbr. for teaching assistants on campus

74 Makes something a bit less harsh

79 Seeds used on buns and in snack mixes

84 Slow-moving reptiles

88 What a deer sheds, singular

89 Salts used in some household products

92 Feel bitterness toward

93 Supposedly tough guys, in dated slogans (4,3)

94 Surname that shows up only rarely in census records

95 Nineteenth-century American circus clown Dan

96 Students who work with a tutor

97 One spot behind sixth

98 Text that sits at the bottom of a page

99 Supervise, in a mining or factory context

100 A bit unsettling

ACROSS

it out 13 Phone; decision

1 Get rid of, as unwanted stuff

5 Positive electrode in a battery/ electrolysis setup 10 Baldwin of film/TV

10 Baldwin of film / TV

14 “Eye,” in French

15 “___ nothing of...” (phrase starter) (2,3)

16 “___ land” (dreamy place) (2,2)

17 Self-centered, in a way (“It’s ___ !”) (3,5,2)

19 Brief calm or pause

20 Manatee, informally (3,3)

21 Capsule form used for many vitamins (4,3)

23 First name of painter Ludwig Kirchner

26 Sodium hydroxide, to chemists

27 Limerick rhyme scheme

30 Down Under abbr.

32 Add up; overall sum 35 Laura, singer-songwriter with album Eli 36 "___ Song" (John Denver hit)

38 DNA’s single-stranded cousin

39 Letter after Cee 40 Accept as true; believe (3,4)

Girl’s name; “Arbor” starter

42 Uncooked; unprocessed

43 Very handsome man (from myth)

44 Included on an email (in a way)

45 "Aunt ___ Cope Book": 1979 bestseller

47 Michael Jordan and Klay Thompson, positionally: Abbr.

48 Dessert rounds, often frosted

49 Performs; does deeds

51 Saint Elizabeth Ann ___

53 In widespread operation, as a system (“working ___”) (2,5)

56 Deep-frying medium, often (3,3)

60 Speed; assess a score for

61 Celebration following the main event (5,5)

64 Lyric poems of praise

65 Viking-related

66 New Mexico art town

67 Microsoft server-based platform abbr.

68 Faint amount; track slightly

69 Soothing plant for burns

1 "____ you're told!" (2,2)

2 River to the Ubangi

3 Kunis of film

4 Inert pill in a study

5 A city, a village, ____ (1,4)

6 “We,” in French (minus the S)

7 The German word for "east"

8 Beaver constructions

9 Watch closely (“keep an ____ ”) (3,2)

10 “ ____ familiar” (3,3)

11 Sitcom sound cue (5,5)

12 French fashion magazine

Adriatic wind

Insult for an overweight person

Japanese electronics company, plural

Adjustments, musically or mechanically

Previn of classical music

Annually (1,4)

Head beer maker (4,6)

Gary of “CSI: NY”

Year, in French

Touches down

Aussie dollar, briefly

Old-school modems, briefly

“Stop it!” in Italian

Vocal composition

Entry; ability to use

Henhouse

Bias; angle

Number of flavours in Napoleon

Danish art museum, briefly

Small amounts

“____ effort” (1,3) 57 Spoken, not written 58 “____ am...” (1,3)

59 Disintegrate, in a way, as cells in the body

62 UK train operator abbr. 63 Keyboard key to help you get out

SUPPORTSERVICES CONTRACEPTIVE PREGNANCYTEST COMMUNICATION SEXUALHEALTH RELATIONSHIP HEALTHCLINIC COUNSELLING STIRESULTS

68332576(59,& (6 &2175$&(37,9 ( 35(*1$1&<7(6 67,5(68/76 :$7(5%$6(' %281'$5,(6 3527(&7,21 '(17$/'$0

WATERBASED BOUNDARIES PROTECTION DENTALDAM EDUCATION WELLBEING PUBHEALTH TREATMENT SAFERSEX

BODYSAFE INTIMACY SAFEPLAY BACTERIA SYMPTOMS STITEST CONSENT RESPECT PARTNER

75($70(17 6$)(56(; %2'<6$)( ,17,0$&< 6$)(3/$< %$&7(5,$ 6<037206 67,7(67 &216(17 5(63(&7 3$571(5 $1$720< &21'20 '2&725 75867 1856( 9,586 /8%( 67, &UHDWHGXVLQJWKH:RUG6HDUFK*HQHUDWRURQ

ANATOMY CONDOM DOCTOR TRUST NURSE VIRUS LUBE STI

mini tea time

If you have a story, confession, or experience you’d like to share—whether it’s an anonymous crush, workplace drama, or something else entirely—you may submit it using the QR code below.

I've got the fattest crush on this one punk looking guy that is somehow in all but one of my lectures and is usually sitting a row or two in front of me �� - anonymous

Welcome to the puzzle page from Puzzhead, your resident Puzzler.

These puzzles are provided to be fun and challenging. The Salient team and our contributors aim for accuracy, but occasional errors may occur. If you notice an error, you may write to editor@salient.org.nz. Please note that our puzzlers and contributors are doing their best, and none are professionals or working on these puzzles full time. For the word find, words may appear diagonally and backwards. To access solutions for the crosswords and connections puzzles, scan the QR code next to Puzzhead.

To solve a Set Square, use arithmetic and logical reasoning. You are given a grid containing six sums: three reading across and three reading down. The arithmetic operations (division, multiplication, addition, and subtraction) are shown between the grid spaces. Place each of the numbers 1 to 9 exactly once into the grid so that all six sums are correct. Note that calculations are carried out in left-to-right order, not according to BEDMAS.

To solve connections, group the sixteen words into four sets of four based on a shared connection. Each word belongs in only one group. Continue until all four groups are identified. On our website, the groupings are uploaded one at a time, so if you get stuck, you can view the answer for a single connection without revealing the full solution.

To solve Word Wheels, form words of four letters or more using the letters in the nine-letter wheel. Every word must include the central letter. Each letter may be used only as many times as it appears in the wheel. The aim is to find as many valid words as possible from the target word list, including the nineletter word that uses all the letters.

Don’t let the dating game get you down. It might be rough out there, but you don’t have to be! This week, I want you to explore self pleasure. Go down to Cuba Street, walk up those stairs, and buy yourself a new toy to try out: the world is your oyster and it’s about time you start focusing on your own satisfaction.

Do: Lovehoney’s student discounts, Peaches and |Cream for fast relief

Don’t: Go to the strip club, you’ll spend too much money

This week is the week to get your freak on. It’s time to try something you never have before: like getting an STI test. At the same time, you can try out some new kinks. Did you know that feet are the most common kink in the world? I reckon, Aries, that it’s time to lick some toes.

Do: Experiment, have an open mind, the BDSM test

Don’t: The Rice Purity test, put off that STI test

This week it’s time to go out and make yourself feel sexy. Get that manicure. Buy the new sneakers you’ve been looking at. Get that haircut or beard trim. Taurus, while everyone else is spending the week horny, you’re going to spend it making yourself look and feel good. You deserve it, and you attract what you give.

Do: The thing you’ve been putting off, buy a new outfit

Don’t: Dating apps

This week I’m giving you the opposite of what I gave to Gemini. I told them not to date men. For you, I say go give them a try. I can’t promise it will go well, but I can promise you’ll get a good story out of it, regardless of whether you find the new love of your life… or just another person to awkwardly make eye contact with.

Do: Download Grindr

Don’t: Go on any dates without checking who your mutual friends are

You’re doing a romantic candle lit dinner this week, I don’t care if it’s two minute noodles. Light a candle and chuck some rose petals on the bed. Let your partner control the bedroom, and I want you to say yes to trying new things.

Do: Massage candles, others’ pleasure Don’t: Focus on the climax

I’m giving you something to try: submission. You’re a dominant personality, but how good would it be to let that dominance go for a change?

This week, your partner is in control. Let them blindfold you. See where it goes…

Do: A tie as a blindfold, a belt as wrist restraints

Don’t: Go into it blind: do some research

Strange travellers from distant constellations have beamed you up to the Mothership to deliver some good news and hard truths. Consider the gravity of their words.

libra gemini

Last year your love life was chaotic and good for you, but this year lets tone it down a bit, yeah? This week I want you to focus on one good, romantic thing. A date night with your partner… or a date night with that friend you might have a crush on, but you’d never tell. Leave sex at the door, and focus on connecting.

Do: Abstinence, active listening Don’t: Let your libido control you

Heyyy Gemini, it’s your conscience here, and I’m telling you one thing and one thing only: give dating women a try. I know you’ve been scared to give it a go, maybe you’re not even convinced you’re attracted to women. That’s okay, just give it a try. I’ll hold your hand.

Do: Change those gender markers on Tinder, get over yourself

Don’t: Sleep with a man

Do: “What will I get out of it?” “Make me.” “Oh, really? That’s such a shame because I was about to...”

Don’t: Give in

scorpio

Have you ever tried edging? Scorpio, I think you’d like it. Try it out with yourself, or your partner. What could go wrong?

Do: Explore your interests, the Rice Purity Test, admit to that fantasy you have but swore you’d never tell anybody Don’t: Let shame rule you

aquarius pisces

It’s time to let your inner beast out, and I’m going to tell you the perfect way to do it: create a fursona. Where all these other star signs are getting sexual, you’re connecting with your inner wolf. Howl at that moon and make a fursona. You’re not focused on sex this week, you’re focused on personal development.

Do: Buzzfeeds: “Fursona Quiz: What Type Of Furry Are You?” Don’t: Have sex

It’s time to unwind a bit: you’ve been a bit stressed lately, or as our designer Jim puts it, “wound tight.” It’s time to untighten that binding, isces: try ropeplay. Okay, hear me out…just look up some shibari tutorials, and have a go at making those metaphorical bindings physical.

Do: Bunnings rope, your own research Don’t: Meet up with anyone on Fetlife