This tiny paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
The Miniature Entertainment Weekly of Rutgers www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume XLV Issue XIX
50¢
April 24th, 2013
the only explanation
you have become a giant BY kcig head writer
RUTGERS-Reports stated early this morning that you have turned into a giant. “It all started this morning when I picked up a copy of The Medium, and noticed that everything seemed smaller than I had remembered,” reported you, after gauging your surroundings. You continued, “Either everything got smaller, or I turned into a giant overnight.” Roommates and neighbors have confirmed that you had been hitting your head on ceilings and doorways
all morning, even though you were crouched down. Your roommate reported, “[You] started using ‘Feefi-fo-fum’ as a catchphrase, and it’s really weird.” The Rutgers community has reported fear over your rapid aggrandizement. “PLEASE, LET ME DOWN!!”
commented Jake Surlander, SAS Junior, in response to you picking him up by the scruff of his neck. New Brunswick Mayor Jim Cahill called for mass evacuations before you began ravaging George Street and holding hostages in your hands while climbing to the top of the Vue.
i want to meet you at a grey bar
Half-full Beer Can Converted into Wild Party for Ants
quickies
Midget working at bar puts up tall order Baby bunny’s diet consists mostly of baby carrots Self-serve Froyo patron eats 40 oz. of yogurt from complementary sample Turns out Bitcoins are not smaller versions of normal coins Lizard finds Barbie Doll mansion to be perfect location to raise lizard family
Inside This Tiny Issue Tiny Lunch
BY CIGARETTE Contributing writer
S I D E WA L K - A half-filled can of beer along the sidewalk of College Avenue has been coopted by a ants as a swingin’ multi-day festival. Boasting nearly twelve ounces of lukewarm Pabst Blue Ribbon, the party is projected to go on for up to a week as long as the
hamsters on cell phones
beer doesn’t evaporate. “There’s enough grass and dirty things around here to keep the party going forever!”
said local ant Pincy Adams. Every ant in attendance will be sure to shake their carapace and hopefully get some thoraxes.
5 mL beakers