This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
Sept. 12th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue I 50¢ STOCK PRICES BLAZING UP
TESLA STOCK SOARS AFTER MUSK PROVES HE'S COOL THROBIN WILLIAMS FINISHED TOO EARLY
LOS ANGELES– Tesla stock has jumped 40 points since smoking blunt with Joe Rogan on his podcast "The Joe Rogan Experience" this week. Musk appeared on the popular talk show on thursday to talk social media, artificial intelligence and tunnels. About two hours into their interview Joe Rogan sparked up a blunt and passed it to Musk. After a pause he took that blunt to the face and as he exhaled Tesla stock skyrocketed. A common complaint about the eccentirc billionaire is that he is a total square and doesn't do anything human. Despite not quite being sure how to inhale smoke into his lungs, Musk took a fat hit of the wood and sipped on some whiskey. Area woman Jill Stilman, 28,
Man Carrying 'End is Nigh' Sign Was Right All Along Jehovah's Witnesses: Coming Soon to Your Residence Hall
DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!
had been considering investing a portion of her pay in the energy company, but wasn't sure whether she trusted Musk. "I was skeptical of his character, but when I saw him smoke with Joe Rogan I realized he's just a person like you and
me, and not a cold, lifeless robot" Musk did face some backlash from his more crotchety investors, but he brushed off their criticisms. "I'm not worried about what boomers think of how I live my life. And it's not like their Continued on Page 2
ALL EYEZ ON NEW JERSEY SUPERIOR COURT
PROCEEDINGS STILL UNDERWAY IN JEREMIH PATERNITY CASE THOT JOPLIN COMPOSER
PISCATAWAY— This marks the third week of family court hearings in the standoff between musical artist Jeremih’s legal team and graduate student Julie Lawson. Lawson, 23, recently commenced her first year at Rutgers Law School in Camden, and has been representing herself thus far in her unique paternity suit against established R&B figure Jeremih (nee Jeremih Felton). According to Lawson and a witness, the student listened to “Oui,” the fourth track on Felton’s 2015 album Late Nights: The Album, twelve consecutive
QUICKIES
"Wow immaculate conception is real!" times one evening in March her lower abdomen at around of 2018. She recalls feeling a 2:36 of the tenth repeat of the “warm, tingling sensation,” track. Lawson thought nothing and observing an unearthly of it at the time, but began purple glow radiating from Continued on Page 2
One Year Off Since 1970
Conservative Club Doubles in Size by Adding One New Member Alex Jones Forming New Social Media Platform to Own Libs Woman Accidentally Watches UK Version of The Office Area Man Wondering When Seasonal Depression from Winter '16 Will End