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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.themediumonline.com
Volume xli Issue II
50¢
September 15th, 2010
HELL BUS
EVERY HIGHLAND PARK RESIDENT GETS OWN 'L' BUS BY SUM DUM JOO NEWS EDITOR
HIGHLAND PARK — In an effort to compromise with the demands of RUSA, OCSA, and other student organizations, the Department of Transportation Services has announced that several unused buses will be reallocated to better serve the residents of Highland Park. “The bus route formally known as the ‘L’ bus was inefficient and costly, while the new LXc route does not serve enough of the Highland Park population,” said Frank Montanga, Vice Director of Transportation Services. “Our new compromise will allow each Highland Park resident to travel at their own pace.” Beginning yesterday, every University student who had listed Highland Park as their loca-
tion of residence had a RUDOTS Bus parked outside their home for their own personal use. Each bus includes a driver, in full uniform, ready to transport students to any location they might need. The bus, and the driver, will wait outside the person's residence so they can be ready to transport at any moment. “This solution works for me,” said Highland Park resident and Criminal Justice Major Alex Conroy. “Instead of waiting for the LXc an hour before class starts, or even waiting ten minutes at the bus stop for an L bus, I can hop out of bed, onto a bus and straight into class!” RUDOTS has also announced that, in an effort to avoid confusion, the marquees that display on the front of the buses can be customized to include such identifying marks as the student’s name, their
MASS TRANSIT
Personal buses en route from Highland Park to New Brunswick
address, or any other information that the student wishes, including locations of parties and names of girls that are thought to be “whores”.
RU SPECIAL?
Student Graduates After First Week of Courses Entered Rutgers With 450 AP Credits, Mild Psychosis
BY JOHNNY CHALLENGER MANAGING EDITOR
VOORHEES MALL—Moments after being accepted into the School of Arts and Sciences program, former Freshman Steven Gould accepted his diploma, got back into his car and drove home having completed all of his degree requirements. Having taken a multitude of AP courses in his high school, Gould had amassed 450 college credits which, after applying the standard RU-Screw formula (Credits wanting to be transferred divided by 2.5) came out to 180 credits. “I’m pretty stoked about missing all of the best parts of my life,” Gould happily told reporters from the couch of his parent’s basement. “I heard college is all about expanding your horizons, meeting new people, and enjoying youth. None of those things are attractive to me.”
TYPICAL DAY FOR STEVEN GOULD DURING HIGH SCHOOL
INSIDE THIS ISSUE
Students remember 9/11.
"Dude, that party at 10 High Street on Saturday night was off the hook!"
'Cartographers Without Borders' Program Fails Miserably
BIOLOGY.................... 6 HRS
Asshole Ambulance Driver Parks in Front of Emergency Room
HISTORY................... 7 HRS PHYSICS................. 9 HRS BROWN NOSING....... 1.5 HRS
Student Tempted to Jack-Off to Sounds of Hallmates Having Sex
WHACKING IT........... 1 HOUR SLEEP....................... .5 HRS Gould had spent approximately 127 hours a week on his schoolwork, pausing only to drive to school or catch a psychosis delaying power nap whenever time permitted. “A typical day involved no going to bed per se, but rather letting my mind wander for a minute or two. I’m pretty sure that covers any sort of REM
RUDOTS has also predicted that a majority of students will be using the buses to travel to the Highland Park Rite-Aid to buy their friends liquor.
sleep I need which means I wouldn’t halluci….WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT CRAWLING ON MY ARM!?!...nate.” Gould plans to spend the rest of his life contemplating how his triple major in Criminal Justice, Communications and Women’s and Gender studies could possibly land him a job whilst working at Brower.
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