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Rutgers Entertainment Weekly www.rutgersmedium.com
Volume xliI Issue III
50¢
SEPTEMBER 28TH, 2011
SPORTS
SCARLET KNIGHTS PLAN MOVE TO 'BIG 1' CONFERENCE
BY EIC BLOOD'N'GUTS EDITOR IN CHIEF
BUSCH—The Scarlet Knights have always been in a league of their own—and soon, they actually will be. Rutgers athletic director Tim Pernetti announced in a press conference yesterday that staring next year, Rutgers will no longer be a part of the struggling Big East Conference, which has gradually been losing college football programs to rival conferences. The Big Ten or the ACC won’t be receiving a knock at their door, however; Rutgers is building their own house. The newly established conference will be known as the “Big 1,” appropriately named, as Rutgers will be its sole member. Pernetti expressed optimism over the forthcoming conference move. “We believe this will put us in an advantageous position,” said Pernetti. “I see a big, fat
WE ARE (ALWAYS) THE CHAMPIONS The university was quick to announce the change of league.
winning streak in our future.” College football analysts speculate that the exclusivity of the Big 1 will make it a desirable and elite conference. “Rutgers is going to be the most winningest team in the NCAA,” said ESPN’s Kirk Herbstreit. “I can’t think of any-
one who wouldn’t want to be in that conference, playing against that kind of powerhouse. But just as there can only be one Slim Shady, there can only be one team in the Big 1.” Many support Rutgers deContinued on Page 2
SCIENCE
Study: Fat Chicks Evolved From Hot Chicks BY PROBABLY DRUNK STAFF WRITER
SCIENCELAND—In a recent study carried out by a collaboration of anthropologists from both Harvard and Princeton University, led of course by Stephen Hawking, researchers have found that attractive girls actually develop excess body weight as a natural deterrent from chauvinist pigs. “I used to have to endure constant irksome remarks about my beauty from creepy old men, in addition to regular date-rapings at frat parties. Now that I’m significantly overweight, I feel much safer,” said one fat chick in an interview. When placed in a laboratory setting with a large pile of adipose tissue derived from the cadaver of an obese female, male participants generally experienced a similar sensation. “I’m not sure why,” said one subject, “but I REALLY don’t want to have sex right now.” Carter Swartz, a 20-year-old frat
EVOLUTION IN ACTION This woman once weighed 120 pounds. Around 20 years ago.
bro here at Rutgers, added, “It may not be the most alluring thing I have ever seen, but that pile of fat seems like it probably has a great personality. I could definitely see myself being ‘just friends’ with it.”
Further studies are still being conducted to determine whether, conversely, hot chicks are actually evolved from fat chicks who desired more male attention. Concluded Hawking, Continued on Page 2
Everything is so pretty! ESTABLISHED 1970
TRAFFIC
Damn Hippies block traffic, for like, 20 minutes BY GUY STUCK IN FRIGGIN' TRAFFIC CONTRIBUTING REPORTER
GEORGE STREET—At around 5:30, or whenever everyone was getting out of work and starting to drive home, some dumb hippies with their posters and their megaphones and shit stood in the middle of the biggest freakin' intersection in town and nobody could move their cars so that they could get the heck home. Inconsiderate of all the innocent people who just wanted to get home, have a beer and watch television with their families, the stupid, beatnik, fruitcakes from Rutgers were yelling about some homeless guy that shot at a cop or a cop that shot a homeless guy or something like that. But what was really important was that nobody could leave New Brunswick. "It's taking me fifteen minutes to travel the distance between Saladworks and Wells Fargo," said some guy in a Sonata who was honking his horn a lot. "I should just turn around and take the backroads, but this asshole to the left of me won't let me merge!" And the police were freakin' blocking the intersection so they couldn't move either way. "We don't want to harm the protesters or anything," said one cop, "But I'm sure they wouldn't have minded if my Santa Fe 'happened' to clip into the backs of the freakin' commie kids with their flannel and shit." And one of the kid's megaphones didn't even work! Like, they come all the way here and didn't friggen prepare! The guy was yelling into it but it didn't make any noise. With no end in sight, the freakin' kids finally left and they all went home to probably get high or read the Huffington Post or complain about Fox News and the rest of us went home to go get yelled at by our wives about being home late and not having this week's paycheck to pay for the mortgage and that her mother is coming for dinner. Fuck!