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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
September 18th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE V 50¢ WORKERS OF THE WORLD, PARTY!
BERNIE SANDERS ANNOUNCES DOLLY PARTON’S “9 TO 5” AS SOCIALIST ANTHEM RICHARD HERTZ DOESN'T DRIVE ANYWHERE
NEW BRUNSWICK — With the election a few months on the way, Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign has announced its new primary campaign song. In order to appeal to moderates and best exemplify the left wing spirit of their movement, the Sanders campaign has chosen to use the song of the greatest American Socialist— Dolly Parton. The senator explained at a campaign event, “9 to 5 was the clearest choice to myself and the hardworking people in my campaign. Mrs. Parton has been a deep inspiration to me and is a champion of the leftist cause at it exists in the United States.” Dolly Parton was born into a struggling farm family along with twelve brothers and sisters, living in a one room cabin in
CHARGE THAT—TO THE MOON Prescription: for all natural healing.
Tennessee. Through hard work and toil, she was able to overcome her circumstances and become a successful performer. While this may seem like a typical conservative "picking yourelf up by your bootstraps story", she never forgot about where she
came from and the struggle of poor and working-class people became a driving force in her life. Parton has championed numerous charities, going as far as to start her own charity that sends free books to any registered child from birth until they begin formal education Continued on Page 2
SO LONG GAY BOWSER.
NEW SUPER MARIO MINIGAME LETS MARIO EAT BOWSER’S ASS HEYWOOD JABLOMI THEY DIDN’T PUBLISH MY ARTICLE LAST WEEK :(
Tokyo, Japan — On top of being a plumber, athletic star, kart driver, world adventurer, consort for princesses, and brutal murderer of thousands of intelligent species by stomping them to death, one of Mario “Jumpman” Mario’s staples is his minigames. Ever since late 1998 with the release of Mario Party, Mario and friends have displayed a wide variety of odd talents in an array of minigames. While the first entry in the series will live in infamy for giving players blisters, Mario was undeterred in his board game-based quests, and despite an absolutely lackluster era from entry #8 to entry #10 (capped off
NOW WE KNOW WHERE THE PHRASE "MARY JANE" CAME FROM Thou does puffeth, puffeth, passeth.
with one of the worst “best of” appreciated by fans, so Mario’s games in recent memory), the low finally back to minigames! bar set by those games lead to the Lots of Mario Party games decent-but-only-decent Super have been fairly bizarre. Mario Mario Party being very much Continued on Page 2
Just Medium Funny Since 1970
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