This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
April 24th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE $1,360 50¢ PICK A SIDE, ANY SIDE!
RUTGERS FINALLY TAKES A STANCE ON SEXUAL ASSAULT: THEY'RE FOR IT! NIFTY KNITTER QUIPS FROM THE QUILT
NEW BRUNSWICK---After many years of student protest and media attention, Rutgers University has finally decided to come out and take a firm stance on sexual assault on campus. It turns out they’re all for it. While in the past University administrators did take steps on paper to implement policies regarding sexual assault, they’ve decided to change up their approach. The University recently dissolved all offices and organizations aimed at supporting survivors of sexual assault in order to cut down on wait time in the typically drawn-out process that almost always ends with the same result. This decision came especially soon after a group of impassioned students gathered to challenge University leaders in response to their decision to
BIG 10, WHAT ABOUT 1 IN 5!? 20%, THAT'S ALMOST AS GOOD AS OUR FOOTBALL TEAM!
maintain tenure and salary of a pervy faculty member who continued to sexually harass and assault a graduate student for more than a year. There have been a range of reactions from students to the new sexual assault policies, some
in favor, some against, and some unsure what it means for them as sexual assaulters. “I think they have a right to their opinion,” said Jared Grass, a junior Human Resources student. “I don’t think they meant the RU screw to apply to actual sexual Continued on Page 2
AUGMENT YOUR TINDER AND YOUR REALITY
STUDENT'S REALISTIC SIMULATION JUST MAKES HIM TALLER THOT JOPLIN KNUCKS IF YOU BUCK
PISCATAWAY---SAS junior Stephen McNamara unveiled an innovative new virtual reality application in class Tuesday that’s rocking central New Jersey’s world. Compatible with mainstream VR systems, Mr. McNamara’s application places the user in a perfectly true-to-life simulation of the world they know, but lets them “walk a mile in the shoes” of someone a full five inches BEEP BEEP taller. What started as just a senior MAKE WAY FOR ME AND MY TALL SHADOW! capstone project for the honors college has inexplicably tapped olympics circuits. everything appears five inches into something close to the heart In-game, players can enter shorter. This gives the player the of many twentysomething males, a sandbox-type landscape that perceived effect of being five inches and will be making the rounds mirrors reality to the detail, except taller. Stephen, 20, reports he saw of statewide and national nerd Continued on Page 2
SWIMMING GOOD Since 1970
QUICKIES
Area Nerd with Wife and Three Kids Still Teased for Being a Virgin Report Finds Jesus Didn't Walk on Water, Apostles Just Hadn't Discovered Ice Yet Jorts to Upstage Tiger Woods for Comeback of the Year Local Woman Can't See Why Someone Would Steal Her Glasses New Study Reveals if Everyone with a Dog Trained Their Dogs to Stand on Their Hind Legs We Could Speed Up Their Evolution