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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
April 17th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE XX 50¢ LET'S MAKE A DEAL...OR NO DEAL?
BARCHI ANNOUNCES COUNTER-STRIKE EVENT TO BE HELD ON COLLEGE AVENUE CAMPUS THOT JOPLIN READY TO ROCK AND/OR ROLL
NEW BRUNSWICK---- University president Robert Barchi announced Monday that Rutgers will be hosting an amateur Counter-Strike: Global Offensive tournament outside College Avenue’s The Yard commencing later this week. Barchi’s announcement came in the midst of Rutgers AAUPAFT’s final daylong meeting with university administrators, before a potential universitywide faculty strike would be called the next day. Union representatives hoped to satisfactorily close negotiations, establishing a contract that would assure more equal pay for adjuncts, graduate instructors, and other vulnerable teaching populations at the University. In his statement Monday afternoon, Barchi made no mention of the ongoing negotiations, but expressed
BARCHI AIMS TO STRIKE UP SOME CAMARADERIE CAPTURE POINT B, AND THE SPIRITS OF ANGSTY PROFESSORS
excitement about the upcoming e-sports event. “The university has a long and proud history of supporting American troops abroad, and giving students the opportunity to see their friends and superiors play CS:GO competitively, on a
megatron no less, serves to continue that tradition.” The Counter-Strike series has produced consistently wellreceived games since its first iteration in 2000, and 2012’s CS:GO is no exception. The game was and remains wildly popular in Continued on Page 2
PROJECTILE INSULTS COMING HIS WAY
LOCAL FLAT EARTHER DENIES CURVATURE OF HAIRLINE
BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER STREETWISE GEOGRAPHY CORRESPONDENT
NEW BRUNSWICK----- Local YouTube celebrity, flat earth activist, and self-proclaimed “conspiracy FACT” scholar Tristan Gordon recently set viewers abuzz in heated fervor over his latest vlog, a vlog where he does the unthinkable: remove his signature sage green beanie, revealing supposed receding wafts of hair. This single act triggered a deluge of unforeseeable outrage, staunch disappointment, and wild, fervent speculation around the flat discus hot plate we call home. “Yeah, been hit with every accusation in the book, that I’m some subversive Deep State shill, a reptilian baby eating shill, or a shill
GORDON CLAIMS IT LOOKS CURVED ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE BLINDED BY MAINSTREAM MEDIA Plugs can't plug your distorted perceptions.
for the Jewish Z.O.G. media shills. Not ALL Jews though, just the Rothschilds and Soros and the scary cosmopolitan elite boogeymen
ones. I’ve even been accused of being a Space Jam 2 extra in some psy-op to disseminate ‘antiMartian’ round Earth propaganda? Continued on Page 2
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QUICKIES
Student Pencils in One Hour For Excessive Overthinking, But Not Doing Homework Each Day in Their Class Schedule This Weekend is 4-EastOver, Buy Your Weed, Matzah and Chocolate Bunny in Advance! Niece Passed Over for Passover Invitation Local Christian Hoping This is the Easter Jesus Makes a Comeback Again Sensible Student who Plans Ahead Angry That the A.C. isn’t on Even Though It’s Cold Today