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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY*
April 10th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE XXI 50¢ POP-AND-LOCK DOWN YOUR BABY DADDY
GIRL WHO PULLS “I’M PREGNANT” APRIL FOOLS JOKE EVER YEAR ACTUALLY PREGNANT DICK VEINY POPPIN' SINCE 1998
NEW BRUNSWICK---- Aubrey Graham was once among the many millions of girls who pull the “I’m Pregnant” April Fools joke every year on everyone from their insufficiently happy boyfriend to their father, who really can’t afford another heart attack. But this year, in a plot twist of fetal proportions, about a week after April Fools, there were two lines on the pregnancy test she took after having missed her last period. “I don’t understand” she said, nearly in tears. “It must have been the new condom we were using. We had to switch brands after they stopped making the ‘Still in Puberty’ line and-” [At this point Aubrey’s boyfriend, who is 28 years old, pulled her aside and said something about her being hysterical and
POP IT! TWIST IT! BOIOIOIOIOIOING
to please omit that line from my report.] Further research indicates that Aubrey actually might be onto something. After some digging, it appears there are fifty lawsuits pending against ‘PopIt! Incorporations’ which makes
everything from condoms to firecrackers to, oddly enough, anesthesia. The common complaint among these lawsuits is with the condom not being able to stay on during performance time. Whenever pressure is applied down the middle, the sides roll up Continued on Page 2
THAT'S ~MY~ ARTHOUSE FILM MOMMY!
PBS KIDS & TELETOON FILMS ANNOUNCE LIVE ACTION “CAILLOU” SEQUEL BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER STREETWISE CHILDREN’S CARTOON CORRESPONDENT
LOS ANGELES---- Millenials and zoomers all over the world were recently taken aback by the surprise announcement of a live action “Dora The Explorer” movie starring Isabela Moner, Danny Trejo, and Benicio Del Toro, but that’s not the only kid’s show property getting an arbitrary revival that nobody asked for. According to PBS Chief Paula Kerger, Caillou is set to receive a three-hour live action sequel of its own, written and directed by avant garde filmmaking auter Lars Von Trier. Set 22 years after the original series, “Caillou’s Blood and Soil” focuses on the eponymous tragic protagonist, alone, forgotten, and
FROM KID WHO'S FOUR TO FOR-GOTTEN ADULT MAN Each day in prison he learns some more
a despondent, forsaken man. Five years after Mommy abandoned him and two years after Daddy died of fentanyl overdose, Caillou
is rudderless, castigated, and strewn upon the streets when him and his sister Rosie have failed to make rent. After slaughtering a Continued on Page 2
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