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INSTA: @themediumRU
march 1ST, 2017
Volume LIII Issue VI 50¢ I'M NOT EATING THAT UNFROSTED SHIT
SCIENTISTS: EARTH RUNNING OUT OF POP-TART SPRINKLES DA MAYOR DOES THE RIGHT THING
CUILCO, GUATEMALA— An alarming new report from geologists has just revealed that the earth is running out of nonrenewable rainbow Pop-Tart sprinkles at a much faster pace than previously thought. The report, published by the North American Geological Survey Association, cites that at the current pace, reserves could be used entirely by as early as 2020. The delicious rare-earth minerals, mined exclusively for topping frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts, are only known to be found in one Guatemalan strip mine in the town of Cuilco. It has been known for many years that the sprinkles
RAINBOW GOLD Holy shit, those sprinkles look tasty.
are non-renewable, but this fact has avoided public scrutiny because geologists previously overestimated the size of known sprinkle reserves. Kellogg’s stock price has taken a huge hit since
the report surfaced, and it’s not clear how the corporation plans to handle this unexpected blow. “Right now, we’re just doing damage control,” says Kellogg executive Steven Callaghan. Continued on Page 2
WHY HAS NOBODY LOOKED INTO THIS
Humanity Loses Track of Giraffes CAILLOU AMINAL SCIENTIST
EARTH— In an unprecedented display of global incompetence, the world has lost track of all 80,000 giraffes on Earth. "Yeah, honestly we have no idea what happened," the world stated in a press conference earlier this morning. "We swear, we left them here last night, and when we woke up, they were all gone! It's not our fault." Since this morning, there have been multiple reports of giraffe spottings all across the globe, however they have all been classified as fraudulent. Giraffe expert Dr. Zoe Eichbar elaborated on these false sightings. "My team and I have been getting reports from all over America about possible giraffe
WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GO Dr. Eichbar trying to figure out where the fuck the giraffes went
sightings. We've been tirelessly investigating these claims all day, and while these reports initially seem promising, upon closer inspection, we've discovered that most Americans confuse
giraffes with your typical farm horse. We've even had reports for cows, buffalo, and one very lanky goat." For years now, professional Continued on Page 2
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