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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 13th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE IX 50¢ IT'S COLD AS POKEBALLS
INCLEMENT WEATHER DUE TO LEGENDARY POKEMON BATTLE
ASS KETCHUP GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL
NEW BRUNSWICK — Weird and random weather occurrences have been plaguing 2019. From freak snow storms before Thanksgiving break to sixty degree sunshine in the middle of February, the weather sure has been chaotic. Some attribute the heavenly freakshow to Global Warming, with the manmade overheating of the Earth causing major side effects. But we all know how dumb of an idea that is- If Earth is hot, why it snow? In reality, the New Brunswick area has become ravaged by a battle of epic proportions. Legendary Pokemon have surfaced from their long slumber underneath the Earth and now are battling each other to see who is the very best in the TriState Area. Most of the melee was happening in less populated,
JOIN US THIS WEDNESDAY IT'LL BE FUN I PROMISE 7:45 LSC 109 Breaking: My Neighbor is An Asshole
PEW PEW PEW ICE RUBY GOLD STAR DIAMOND SAPPHIRE
obscure areas of the region- which is why Douglass is as ravaged as it looks now. But that was not enough, the Legendary Pokemon have now shifted their attention towards the heart of New Brunswick, College Ave Campus. Third Generation Legendaries Groudon, Kyogre,
and Rayquaza had an all out Royal Rumble this weekend, leading to intense weather anomalies. Groudon took his place on top of Brower, leaving the outer area to be a charred by his fire attacks. Kyogre took to the student center, spraying the surrounding area with his Continued on Page 2
JONAS'ING FOR A FIFTH JONAS
NEW JONAS BROTHERS REVIVAL ALBUM TO FEATURE FIFTH JONAS BROTHER
BRADLEY “BRAD” TANNER ALPHA BOY BAND CORRESP.
WYCKOFF — Kevin, Nick, Joe, and Frankie Jonas: you know them, and now, they’re of legal age for you to love them. Recently, the first three brothers have announced their band’s revival, and while little is known about their forthcoming project, Nick recently divulged a new surprise; a feature by the siblings fifth and eldest brother, Zachariah Jonas. Since Zachariah is only an hour from New Brunswick in their Wyckoff hometown, we were lucky enough to convene face to face. Over a 4 for 4 Wendy’s deal and the panoramic vista of Discount Liquors’ parking lot, I spoke candidly to Zachariah inside the rustic 1997 Ford Aspire
QUICKIES
THE JONAS THAT WAS ALWAYS MISSING 3 FAMOUS JONASES+2 MORE=BB GOOD
he has called home. Zachariah wasn’t always balding, bearded, and 315 pounds soaking wet, but a brunette banged
pretty boy; “Eva since God planted me on this Earth in ‘79, I always been told to dream big by our Pa, when he wasn’t beltin’ me anyway. Continued on Page 2
DOUBLE THREAT AT BEST Since 1970
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