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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 11th, 2020
: The Medium : themediumru : TheMediumRU
COME ON! LET'S JUST GET SHIT OVER WITH
AMIDST CORONAVIRUS SCARE: RU TO DRIVE BUSES INTO RARITAN RICHARD HERTZ POLITICAL ANALIST
New Brunswick- As more and more cases are popping up across New Jersey, Rutgers University officials have been slow to unveil their plans to handle the crisis. However, a leaked email exchange between the Rutgers President, Robert Barchi, and the Rutgers Department of Transportation Services may reveal some disturbing information. The leak, which was uncovered by Rutgers Reddit users, has shown that amid Coronavirus concerns Rutgers is in the process of beginning a building project on the highways connecting the campuses together. While originally thought to be the usual Rutgers bloat and misplaced priorities, some emails contain a far more serious sinister explanation. There appears to be plans
to begin building ramps on all highways that are parallel to the Raritan, that will send unsuspecting bus-goers to their watery demise. Drivers are to be given detailed instructions on what to do if they suspect someone with the virus is on a Rutgers bus. In accordance
with this new policy, Rutgers has increased it’s life insurance spending for its bus drivers; thinking that in the long run it will be more cost effective. Surprisingly despite being made aware of this new policy, drivers have been tight-lipped Continued on Page 2
WHERE IS JOE?
JOE BIDEN CONFUSES HIMSELF WITH JOE BUDDEN BY BRADLEY "BRAD" TANNER OFF. PUMPING COORESPONDENT
DETROIT- Following big Super Tuesday wins, former VP Joe Biden campaigned in Michigan last Sunday, a high stakes primary battleground with 147 delegates. During some evening remarks, he appeared to experience another one of the many isolated, one-off gaffes we shouldn’t criticize, conflating his own legacy with that of rapper, broadcaster, and embattled media personality Joe Budden. “Listen, Slaughterhouse were some BAD DUDES. So was I! I’ll say it! I was hooked on those Angel Dusts and Mollies and Mary Juanas and things! Even caught a larceny case with the NYPD! But look how far we’ve come!”
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Biden urged hypercritical Bernie supporters to examine his alleged record of successful one-hit wonders, like 2003’s “Pump It Up”. “Here’s the deal: those days we got the guys pumping IN the club! Outside the club! Up the club! Down the club! Just Blaze, he said it was about jackin’ it, and
I said ‘listen Jack, WHO GIVES A DAMN what’s it about, so long as we got a nice Kool & The Gang groove behind it?’ A groove to carry us back to Washington!” The Democratic candidate then reflected upon his alleged experience formerly co-hosting Continued on Page 2
Washing Our Hands Since 2020
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