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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 5th, 2020
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ SEX SELLS, NEVER FORGET IT
JOE BIDEN FRENCH KISSES JOURNALIST RICHARD HERTZ CALL A DOCTOR
Iowa- As the aftermath of the Iowa caucuses set in, and candidates are beginning to gear up for the upcoming fight in New Hampshire, there is yet another incident that has taken the media and twittersphere by storm. At a Biden 2020 campaign event on Tuesday night, a reporter for the New York Times began to press Biden on his conduct regarding physically touching potential voters, critics, and women in general. Biden dodged the question and the reporter, Matthew Stevens, began to follow him as the presidential hopeful attempted to make his exit. The NYT journalist, reportedly yelled, “Hey, why do you kiss your Granddaughter on the mouth like that, it’s kinda strange?”; which
caused Biden to make a swift 180 and confront the man, standing there frozen in place with his pen and paper. In almost one fell swoop Biden exclaimed “Oh, I’ll show you a kiss”, and pulled the man in and planted one right on his lips. Biden then pushed the man away,
and winked at him tenderly. A video of the kiss heard around the world has circulated far and wide and candidates, pundits, and politicians from all across the political spectrum have weighed in. We took the liberty of showing the video to current democratic Continued on Page 2
KINDA SMELLS LIKE UPDOG IN HERE
SUPER BOWL LEFTOVERS DETERMINED SOURCE OF WEIRD SMELL IN FRIDGE THROBBIN WILLIAMS ALMOST TOO VEINY
After an investigation that has lasted days, the source of the weird smell in the fridge was found to be produced by leftovers from the Super Bowl, officials say. The odor, described as “somewhat sour,” “pungent,” and “weird,” has been plaguing the kitchen since late Monday evening, according to homeowners Kelly and Mark Tenga. Members of the household went so far as to eat out for the last two days worth of meals to avoid opening the fridge. “I’ve been eating Taco Bell for days.” Mark Tenga told us. “I opened the fridge Monday night to get a Mountain Dew and the stench hit me.”
The smell was a combination of many days-oldappetizers including wings, long subs cut into small pieces, and buffalo chicken dip with bleu cheese crumbles. It’s still unclear whether the smell has ingrained
itself into the actual fridge itself, or if the unit is still salvageable. Matriarch of the household Kelly Tenga has outlined her plans to deal with the potentially biologically hazardous situation in the kitchen. “Mark and the kids are gonna Continued on Page 2
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