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dec. 5th, 2018
Volume LVI 69¢ Issue ??? AT LEAST MARS HAS SHINY ROCKS
NASA'S MARS INSIGHT LANDER NEEDS TO GET ITS SHIT TOGETHER BOT JOPLIN WANTS TO FOLLOW YOU
MARS— If you’ve somehow been able to avoid the nonstop barrage of headlines this week, NASA landed on Mars (again) last Monday. Since then, the space agency has literally been on everyone’s dick about it, constantly reminding the American public of how mind-bendingly great their InSight lander is doing on the red planet. It is, of course, objectively amazing that man managed to touch down on extraterrestrial soil, but it’s only been six years since the last time we did this, and the coverage is starting to feel a little self-aggrandizing. InSight’s moment in the lowintensity Martian sun was shortlived, however. In just its second week on the job, InSight was
IT'S SERIOUSLY PLAYING CANDY CRUSH? What a waste of our gosh darn tax payer dollars!
completely outshone by its own forbear. The Curiosity rover, which until recently held the title of NASA’s most recent and hottest Mars landing, might have had reason to worry about
its reputation if InSight hadn’t turned out to be such a fucking slacker. We all know adjusting to a new job can be tough, but the new kid on Mars doesn’t even seem to be trying. Last week, InSight, dumb Continued on Page 2
FINE, I'LL JUST BEAT OFF ELSEWHERE
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER RUINED BY TUMBLR PORN BAN JEN DIRBENDER FITS LIKE A GLOVE
LOCATION— When No Nut November ended just a few days ago, meat beaters across the globe warmed their hands, broke out the Jergens, and collectively did their best to make God cry. With the annual month of masturbationlessness behind them, it seemed that things were looking up for the jackers and jillers of the world. But little did they know, a dark future lay on the horizon. Tumblr.com, a site known best known for social justice and porn has announced that starting on December 17th, it will be banning all “not safe for work” content from the site. This deci-
PUT A PICTURE ON THAT BOX Great, now make these lines funny and embed your fucking link
sion, intended to make the site more comfortable for younger users, has been described as “bad” by long time users of the site.
“ Now where am I supposed to find Naruto inflation porn alongside a 100 page fan fiction about the first time Shikamaru
In Genuine Pain Since 1970
Continued on Page 2
QUICKIES
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