The Medium 11/28/18

This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.

INSTA: @themediumRU

Nov. 28TH, 2018

Volume LVI Issue like 11 50¢ TOSS OUT YOUR SALADS

AREA MAN NOT WORRIED ABOUT ROMAINE RECALL, DOESN’T EVEN EAT SALAD THROBIN WILLIAMS PRETENDING TO BE A NANNY

NEW BRUNSWICK— Last week the FDA issued a countrywide recall on romaine lettuce, but New Brunswick man Mark Roskie, 22, hasn’t been affected at all. His secret? He doesn’t eat salad. At all. “When I first heard about the recall I didn’t even have to think about whether I was exposed to the E. coli,” Roskie said “because I don’t even eat salad.” Roskie largely sustains himself off sandwiches from Kilmer’s Market, pizza from Sbarro or the hot bar at the dining hall. Lettuce plays almost no part in the college senior’s diet. The outbreak, which has affected more than 30 people in 11 states has almost no way to get to Roskie. “Yeah, some sandwiches

LETTUCE? I HARDLY KNOW HER! Miss me with that crunch, man!

at Kilmer’s have lettuce on them. But I’m not really sure what kind of lettuce goes on what because I don’t eat it. And I don’t order those anyway. I usually just get takeout.” The takeout he’s referring to is the to-go option at Rutgers’

dining halls and mainly consists of fried foods like mac and cheese bites, chicken nuggets, onion rings and fries. The unhealthy food that is carefully rationed to each student by a dining hall employee has virtually no chance of coming into contact Continued on Page 2

WHAT EVEN IS RACKETEERING?

PRESIDENT TRUMP PREEMPTIVELY PARDONS TEKASHI 6IX9INE

CARL “YUNG XYLOMETAZOLINE” MUELLER

WASHINGTON, D.C.— At his latest rally in the lead-up to election season, Trump has announced his plans to presidentially pardon controversial Brooklyn rapper Daniel Hernandez, known professionally as Tekashi 6ix9ine, should he be sentenced to serve anywhere from 32 years to life in prison. “Listen, I’ve never personally met Mr. Tekashi, I don’t know Mr. Tekashi. What I do know is that Kanye was one of the good ones folks, very very smart cookie until he stopped working with Candace

OL' RAINBOW TEETH For the people

Owens that is, but anyone who associates with his genius must be very fine people too.” This announcement comes amid 6ix9ine’s recent arrest for

numerous federal racketeering and weapons charges stemming from his associations with the Nine Trey Gangsters, a sect of

TUSSLIN' Since 1970

Continued on Page 2

QUICKIES

Local Child Loves Ice Cream So Much He Marries It Wait No But Come To Our Meetings We Could Really Use Some Fresh Faces Join Us ASAP In LSC Room 117D Johnny Depp Highkey Still Alive And Thriving At Age 55 Courageous Not Weekly Newspaper Finally Brings Memes to Print Media I Drank A Glass Of Apple Cider Vinegar And Now I'm Bulletproof Non-Italian Spells Proscuttio Right