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Nov. 14st, 2018
Volume LVI 69¢ Issue 00001001 HEARTWARMING!
THIS COUPLE ‘SETTLED FOR EACH OTHER’ AFTER ‘MEETING AT THE SAME STOPLIGHT NINE TIMES.’ TAUT JOPLIN SINEWY
BOUND BROOK — It’s cuddle season, and everyone seems to be newly frustrated with the pretty gross world of mobileapp dating. Indeed, the sheer number of average-looking and perfectly nice people available just a Facebook pop away can be overwhelming in and of itself. In an age many are calling “the digital age,” it can be easy to forget that people used to meet in real life. But don’t lose hope, dear reader, true romance is still out there for the finding! Julia Stopwatch, 27, and Tannen Banx, 26, announced their engagement to a small group of family and friends last week at the Cheesecake Factory in Bridgewater. Coming from entirely different walks of life,
DRIVING INTO THE INTERSECTION OF LOVE Get outta my dreams (Get in to the back seat baby) Get in to my car
the couple’s meeting could be described as fortuitous, or as a bizarre series of coincidences. “I first saw Tannen at the onramp to I-287 N in Somerset. I looked over, totally by chance, and saw this guy yawning.
His yawn made me yawn, so I yawned, and then we sort of made eye contact while yawning. It was weird at the time because I wasn’t sure if he knew that I had caught his yawn and we were yawning the same Continued on Page 2
ROMANCE IS ALIVE AND WELL BABY
MODERN DAY ROMEO AND JULIET: RUTGERS AND PENN STATE STUDENTS FUCKING SUE DENIM HAS VISUAL AIDS
NEW BRUNSWICK— So often these days it seems as though that unobtainable and fleeting emotion known as love has been purged from our society, stripped of its meaning, left to rot in the annals of history. That is, until you hear about stories like this one. Rutgers Junior Alyssa Capuchin met Penn State Senior Gregory Montgomery through Tinder, the technological Yente known for connecting unlikely matches such as this. And none too soon; The two students were clearly high profile suitors considering they had their
FORBIDDEN LOVE MAKES THE HEART BURN SEXY Not heart burn like pyrosis like a heart burning with love. You get it.
distances set to 228 miles. “I knew it was true love when his bio said ‘Looking for my Pam’ and then opened up with a gif of Jim looking directly
into the camera and doing the Jim face,” said Alyssa, holding hands and gazing longingly into her lover’s eyes. “We’ve been Continued on Page 2
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