This paper may not be suitable for persons under 18.
INSTA: @themediumRU
Nov. 7th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue IIII III 50¢ FAREWELL TO ARMS
EXPOSED! HOSPITAL ADMITS TO THEFT OF 22 PATIENTS' LIMBS ROT JOPLIN DECAYING
NEW BRUNSWICK-A representative speaking on behalf of a nearby hospital recently cleared up some confusion surrounding a gristly series of disappearances that occurred in its trauma center last week. Almost two dozen patients’ appendages were reported missing: eighteen arms, sixteen right arms and four left, as well as three full left legs plus another half of a fourth left leg, below the knee. No patient lost more than one limb during the ordeal. The sites of limb removal all seemed to have been treated by medical professionals, and were reportedly healing into goodquality stumps. Representatives initially shrugged off any request for a legitimate explanation, citing the cases as coincidence
FEED ME Hospital food has never been so appetizing?!
and denying any hospital involvement. After continued pressure from patients and families, however, a speaker finally came forward last night to confirm that the trauma center was not only aware of, but explicitly involved in, the
dismemberments. “It is unethical to deny the public knowledge of the events that unfolded within our walls this month. To retain our credibility as an institution it is of paramount importance that we remain transparent. Continued on Page 2
NOT IN IT FOR THE STICKERS AT ALL
MILLENNIALS DEFINITELY GOT OUT TO VOTE YESTERDAY THROBIN WILLIAMS VEINIER THAN MOST
PISCATAWAY-Midterm elections happened yesterday and people born between 1981 and 1997 for sure made it to the polls. The “Snowflake Generation”, as your hyperconservative uncle calls them, had an incredibly low turnout in 2016, when only 49 percent of millenials casted a ballot. But this year? This year millennials totally, without a doubt voted in the midterms yesterday. Definitely. Rutgers freshman Molly Srokowski, 19, is just one of many millennials who absolutely made her voice heard. For the
TOTALLY ROCKED THE VOTE The best turnout in LITeral centuries
past week Srokowski has been encouraging her fellow students to vote outside student centers, dining halls and dorm buildings. “The blue wave is on the horizon.
I got eight people registered the week before the election. And I definitely took the time between classes to go to my polling Continued on Page 2
GOOD AT FORMATTING Since 1970
QUICKIES
Check Out
Coverage Inside!!!!!!!!! Bald Man Has Really Sick Beard By Some Sick Twist of Fate Biology Major Has No Chemistry With Lab Partner Area Man Confused As To Why Poem Doesn't Rhyme, Flow Well At All Scientists Discover Remaining White Rhino Population Largely Conservative Porn Star Really Hates The Medium, Will Remeber Us Next Year (It's Tori Black)