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Oct. 31st, 2018
Volume LVI Issue IIII II 50¢ TRAP NEUTER RETURN
PETA TO EUTHANIZE THOUSANDS OF SEXY CATS AFTER HALLOWEEN THROBIN WILLIAMS SHOWER NOT A SHOWER
NEW BRUNSWICK– The group of animal rights activists expect to catch nearly 2,500 stray, sexy cats this Halloween. Chief of Animal Wranglin’ and Executing Susan Wiggins said that PETA will have vans patrolling college campuses around the country in an effort to levy stray populations. “These sexy cats are homeless, freezing, starving and are honestly better off dead. And we want to make sure that happens.” Euthanizing animals is not unfamiliar to PETA. In 2014 they put 2,455 animals down, a milestone in the animal rights community. This year they expect to surpass that number on Halloween alone.
PETA will be dedicating three armored vans equipped with infrared sensors, net guns, tear gas grenade launchers, heated seats and a Sony RSX-2 Hi-Res Music System valued at $2,600 to Rutgers New Brunswick. Continued on Page 2
ALL YOUR PARTY GUESTS ’R’ AFRAID
REANIMATED GEOFFREY THE GIRAFFE RUINS LOCAL BIRTHDAY PARTY SPOOK DENIM CHANGING NAME SOON
TEANECK— A loveable company mascot. An innocent child’s birthday. A harmless idea. At least, that was what one local mother was thinking when she booked Geoffrey the Giraffe for her son’s birthday party. What she wasn’t anticipating was a horror so visceral, Lovecraft himself would call an exorcist. In September of 2017, beloved American toy company Toys R Us declared bankruptcy following years of declining profits which caused them to lay off workers and close branches nationwide. People, naturally,
IM BACK, BABY Returned from the grave and hungry for caaaaaaake!
were pretty devastated. So when Toys R Us announced one year later in September of 2018 that they would be returning, you can imagine the joy felt in the
hearts of the American people. One New Jersey 4 year old, Matthew “Matty” Donovan, was particularly excited. Every Continued on Page 2
SLAUGHTERING GOATS Since 1970
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! ENJOY THIS SPOOOOKY HALLOWEEN ISSUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ghost of Dead College Avenue Squirrel Wreaks Havoc at Hurtado
PUT YOUR PAWS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! Feral but still pretty hot
Nearly one third of costumes sold to women this year were stray, sexy cats. More than 85 percent of women who purchased those costumes are age 18-24, making college campuses a hot bed for strays.
SPOOKIES
U.S. Asks Canada to Pass the Blunt Oh My God Dude Where Are My Thumbs SAS Senior Discovers Minecraft, Achieves Inner Peace Hannah Montana is Pregnant, but Miley Cyrus Claims She is Not Pregnant?????