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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
Oct. 17th, 2018
VOLUME LVI ISSUE IIII I 50¢ KILLING RETAIL AND ANYONE ELSE THE U.S. DOESN'T LIKE
JEFF BEZOS: 'THE US NEEDS TO BE DEFENDED, GIVE ME MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS' THROBIN WILLIAMS TRAPPED IN A BOARD GAME
SEATTLE-- On monday Bezos said that he thinks tech giants shouldn’t turn down work with the US government. Speaking at a technology conference, Bezos made it very clear that he is ready to accept a shit-ton of money from the US’s exorbitant military budget of about $700 billion. “Only an idiot would pass up the kind of money that the United States will spend on weapons.” This is the largest military budget in the country’s history, and Jeff Bezos is willing to dive in head first. Amazon has already begun the process of killing off every shopping mall in the United States and is ready to do the same to companies who sell weapons to the government like Lockheed Martin, Boeing
Bus Driver Wanted for Chopping Off Student's Arm in Door Rutgers Invites, Uninvites, Invites, Breaks Up With Speaker
EXACTLY THE MOVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WANT MADE This isn't scary or alarming at all!
and Raytheon. SVP of business and corporate development Jeff Blackburn also weighed in on the development of weapons at Amazon. “This is going to be phenomenal for our country and for Amazon. We’re going to make so much
money I’ll be able to build a second pool house for my dog. Oh and we’re definitely focused on keeping the US safe. Number one priority right there.” Bezos’ remarks come after Google pulled their bid on a contract to analyze drone Continued on Page 2
RAD SCOOTER TRICK OR TREAT?
WALMART RECALLS 65,000 CASES OF HALLOWEEN CANDY AFTER RAZOR SCOOTERS FOUND IN MINI CHOCOLATE BARS SNOT JOPLIN AIR SNEEZER
Each year, the arrival of crisp autumn air signals the arrival of a chilly new set of concerns for the parents of young children. As the days grow shorter and colder, dangerous twilight hours seem to take up entire afternoons. The sweet muse of summertime has shed her festive clothes, and the dark garb she retains in her old age only serves to remind us of her inevitable decay and demise. It’s common knowledge that disturbing events just happen more often at this spooky time of year, and attentive parents nationwide are drawing up the windowsashes and keeping their little
QUICKIES
A DELICIOUS BUT DANGEROUS TREAT You don't want to end up with a scooter in your mouth this Halloween!
ones indoors. On Halloween night however, letting one’s kids wander around outside after dark is just part of the parenting job. Any number of horrific
outcomes are on the table when middle-schoolers dressed as Black Panther are roaming the streets, Continued on Page 2
Puffin' That Gas Since 1970
Non-Binary Student Decides to Just Pee in Bottle in Car Dow Plunges into Bucket of Water Bobbing for Apples Man Will Definitely Do Something Productive Tomorrow Foot Locker Announces Plans to Make Shoes for People Born With Two Left Feet, One Right Foot