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Oct. 10th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue IIII 50¢ DO NOT DISTURB
PRESIDENTIAL ALERTS TURNED OFF FOREVER AFTER TRUMP MISUSES THROBIN WILLIAMS STANDS ON DESKS
WASHINGTON— The presidential alert system has officially been dissolved after President Trump directly messaged the American population multiple inappropriate messages. The service was tested on a national level on Oct. 3, and once the floodgates opened there was no saving us. Much like an amber alert or a silver alert, presidential alerts are designed to get your attention, which worked phenomenally when the entire state of Hawaii was told they were going to be bombed into oblivion. Not two hours had passed before everyone in America with a cellphone was alerted to “remember when Ted Cruz jacked off on 9/11? LOL SAD!” FEMA faced immediate
STAY IN YOUR LANE Don't make the whole interstate witness your mistakes!
backlash from the population and issued a statement shortly after. “Perfecting the National Wireless Emergency Alert System is our number one priority right now. We have absolutely nothing better to do than make sure
that the president can directly communicate with the American people at his will. Literally nobody involved with FEMA can think of anything at all that we could be allocating time, money, and other resources to, so we’re all in on the alert thing.” Continued on Page 2
SIP SIP YOUR BLOOD IS DELICIOUS
NEW YORK BLOOD CENTER DEPLOYS COHORT OF VAMPIRES JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN THOT JOPLIN REALLY COMPOSED
NEW BRUNSWICK — The weather might be getting colder, but that doesn’t mean that people need any less blood. Thousands of previous blood donors in the tri-state area received aggressive phone calls late Monday night requesting that they hand their blood over to New York blood banks as soon as possible. This was a fairly standard move for the New York blood center, according to three-time donor Kath McTraughlin. The mother of two has donated a total of 1,410 milliliters of blood in her life, twice in a local ice cream shop and once at her older
SORRY I DON'T USUALLY USE ARM VEINS
son’s high school. She considers herself a giving person, but for health reasons has decided to retire from blood donation. However, Ms. McTraughlin
still reports receiving up to six phone calls a month alerting her of a seemingly perpetual blood shortage in the metro area. Continued on Page 2
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