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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 13th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ THEY STILL COMPLAIN ABOUT THE R U SCREW
RUTGERS CLASS OF 1874 REUNION PENN A. TRAYSHUN MAKE IT A DOUBLE
New Brunswick- Yesterday, the Class of 1874 gathered outside of Old Queens. It caused quite the racket, considering they showed up in horse-drawn carriages. The horses took a few fat shits outside of Brower, which were picked up by dining hall staff and thrown into the large vat of beef stew. Nobody could tell the difference. Regardless, the Class of 1874 brought their own snacks: hardtack and moonshine. The class IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN president presided in front of all six Do Not Ask Any of Them About Black People class members still alive: whole barrel of moonshine in 10 took a malnourished raccoon out “My name is Wilbur Jeremiah minutes. They split into teams of his overcoat and threw it at the Longbush VIII, and I’m delighted and played a good old game of opposing team. The ravenous beast that at least six of us aren’t dead Confederates vs. Yankees, chasing nibbled off Abraham Swift’s left yet…speech over. Let’s get fucked each other all up and down thumb. Abraham eliminated the up like it’s the nineteenth century, College Ave. The game turned creature by projectile vomiting a yessir!” violent, and at one-point Wilbur mix of stomach acid and moonshine The six of them put away a on it, burning it alive. Continued on Page 2
I'LL GIVE YOU A DELIVERANCE. . . OF CUM!
CLOSETED MAN WATCHES DELIVERANCE INSTEAD OF GAY PORN HARRY NUTTSAAC IMAGINE THE SMELL
New Brunswick- A Rutgers student deep, deep, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Seadeep in the closet has just found the newest way to watch two men have violent anal sex without admitting to himself that he's gay. If you are unfamiliar with Deliverance, the movie's about a bunch of dudebros who go out on a canoe trip, but they are ambushed by some backwoods pig-fuckers and one of them gets raped up the ass while getting called "piggy" over and over again. I don't know about you, but I always get really riled up when I watch that scene: passionate homoeroticism, verbal harassment, a dude standing off to the side and choking the chicken. Seriously,
MMM... BURT REYNOLDS... AND JON VOIGHT, I GUESS
a masterful piece of cinema. Apparently, this scene is not even the reason that most people watch the movie, it's supposed to be a moving film about friends facing adversity and toughing it out through the wilderness.
Just like myself, this unnamed student likes Deliverance for all the wrong reasons and has found that it is a way that he can watch gay porn without realizing that he's gay. He's had his friends come over Continued on Page 2
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