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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
October 16th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ CAN WE GET OFF THIS FUCKED UP RIDE NOW????????
NEW TRUMP PROPAGANDA FILM "TRUMP OF THE WILL"
TRIGGERED LIB I'LL MAKE YOUR SPACE SAFE
Washington D.C.- Following reports of a violent viral video being shown at a Trump hotel by his supporters, the mainstream media and twitter-scape have been in an uproar. The video in question is a clip from the film Kingsman: The Secret Service and has Trump’s face superimposed on a primary character, as he kills people that have the logos and faces of his various (and numerous) political opponents superimposed onto CHIMKEN?!?! them. Despite Trump consistently Sexy Fried Chicken using violent rhetoric in his rallies video, die-hard Trump supporters and twitter posts, people are like David Duke and Richard somehow shocked at the brutality Spencer have started a GoFundMe of the video. As of this article being campaign to fund the newest written, Trump has been informed Trump 2020 campaign video. The about the content but has yet to project is called “Trump of the condemn it; because of course he Will” and it will be a documentary hasn’t. following Trump on his way to a Emboldened by the viral
Local Man Does Drugs rally. The film seeks to show the beauty and dignity of the Trump supporters as they celebrate their glorious leader. As far as music, the film returns to Trump’s German roots by consisting of seventyfive percent Richard Wagner; the remaining twenty-five percent
RAPE IS LAME YO!
EVERY PURPLE COOKIE YOU EAT THIS WEEK SAVES A GIRL FROM RAPE HARRY NUTTSACC YET NOT HARRY ENOUGH
conference, where he said: "There are a number of people on the team that have access to the account and it appears that someone inadvertently hit the like button. And besides, everyone on my team loves women! We wouldn't want any women to get
IT'S PIE FUCKING SEASON, YEEHAW!
Ellen Brings Her Epic Jumpscare Pranks LIVE to Guantanamo
Continued on Page 2
New Brunswick, NJ- In an amazing effort to try and eliminate rape culture in America, Rutgers has decided to color their cookies purple! These dry, flavorless, purple nightmares are probably the second-worst attempt possible at raising awareness about an issue, right behind an act of terrorism (we're looking at you, 9/11). Petitions against these horrible cookies went viral online and even President Barchi saw it on Facebook. He got into some hot water, though, after he liked the petition and people started accusing him of not supporting the cookies because he supports sexual assault. The online hate got so big that Barchi decided to hold a press
QUICKIES
hurt, we just hate the cookies!" When this excuse failed to appease the crowd and even riled up some of the dining hall workers, Barchi began to sweat and move around a lot. Then, he blurted out, "We're actually gonna save women! That's Continued on Page 2
EATIN' ASS Since 1970
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, Chris Ash Moves to Texas Without a Fuss FCC Announces Bill to Segregate All The Office Fans From Dating Apps New Pokemon Just a Human Foot President Thought Kurds Referred to Cheese It was me, I did the Drugs Amazon Sells Discount Organs in China