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INSTA: @themediumRU
Sept. 26th, 2018
Volume LVI Issue III 50¢ MAKE ROBERT YOUNG AGAIN
BRACHI SEEKS OUT $2 M. GRANT TO FUND QUEST FOR IMMORTALITY THROBIN WILLIAMS ALWAYS INSIDE OF YOU
NEW BRUNSWICK– President Robert Barchi is hoping to expand funding to the university’s latest research endeavor; the secret of immortality. Barchi has himself spearheaded the operation, the goal of which is to make the president live for all of eternity. Rutgers currently has at least seven departments dedicating resources to this project, but he still feels that Rutgers isn’t doing enough. ”I firmly believe that we are on the brink of a breakthrough when it comes to my living forever. We just need a few million more in funding before the process can be ready for human testing.” Details about the research are sparse. The Classics Department has been entirely dedicated to pouring over ancient texts in search of the location of the
College Senior Finally Gives Up on Perfect Attendance RUDOTS to Pave Over Passion Puddle to Expand Parking
LOOKING YOUNG Whatever they're researching, it looks good!
fountain of youth, while cell biologists have been working with stem cells to develop a youth-serum. Records of money already spent on this project were unavailable. This is coming just days after Rutgers received a different
multi-million-dollar grant for Alzheimer's research. “We love the money given to us for such an important cause,” Barchi elaborated, “But right now I’m focused on outliving everyone I’ve ever loved or hated. I want to watch civilizations rise and Continued on Page 2
REDISCOVERING EYELIDS WITH THE CLASS OF 2018
RECENT COLLEGE GRAD DECIDES 4.0 GPA WASN'T WORTH EMOTIONAL SCARS
Jesus Takes Wheel, LX Arrives on Time All Damn Day Coffie Table Book Clearly Not Large Enough to Use as Table Girl Manages to Sleep Through 3 Classes in a Row Today
THOT JOPLIN EXPOS TUTOR
PISCATAWAY— Despite rolling directly out of the 56th best Public University in the nation and into the job market, Rutgers class of 2018 is proving tragically non-immune to the absolute wackness that inevitably supplants matriculation. A full trimester later, fresh grads still don’t seem to be feeling that sense of vindication and professional mobility that everyone always claimed would follow soon after graduating with pretty good grades. High-achieving undergraduates have emerged into a world where impeccable grade point
QUICKIES
DOING GOOD Look how pumped that dude is!
averages, looking so promising on a resume or job application, aren’t always enough, and they’re pretty bummed. Kelvin Crisp, an Information
Technology and Informatics major at the School of Arts and Sciences until earlier this year, graduated with a flawless 4.0 Continued on Page 2
Using the Same Computers Since 1970
America Isn't Horny Anymore After Imagining Trump's Weird Dick. Or is it?!