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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 27th, 2019
VOLUME LVII ISSUE VI 50¢ EPTSTEIN'S ASSISTANT WAS AT CLINTON DAUGHTER'S WEDDING
CLINTONS EAT JEFFREY EPSTEIN FOR THANKSGIVING BY HARRY NUTTSAAC GIVE 'EM A LICK
The Lolita Express- Bill and Hillary just pulled Jeffrey out of the freezer in preparation for the big holiday! Ever since Jeffrey Epstein died under mysterious circumstances back in August, there have been varying theories about how America's #1 Rapist and Pedophile died. One of the most popular ideas that have been floating around was that Bill and Hillary, The Dynamic Clinton Duo, were responsible for Epstein's murder after it was revealed that Bill had been to Epstein's secluded pedophile island. No one was really able to disprove this idea, especially since the Clintons have a track record of going above and beyond to hide the smallest transgressions (to be clear, this is about Ms. Monica, not the email
SUCH HARD HITTING Much Satire
thing). Since the idea was a little far fetched, no one really expected Hillary to post on social media about the family eating Epstein for Thanksgiving: "Thanksgiving, the greatest day to celebrate all of America's mistakes, is coming up really quickly! For all of us that are still
reluctantly having family over, remember to take your turkey out a couple of days in advance. Bill and I are having Chelsea and her family over to enjoy the day with us, but this year we've decided to go torture free! Instead of killing an innocent turkey, we decided to Continued on Page 2
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU'D HAVE A CALM THANKSGIVING
ESTRANGED FATHER FINALLY COMES HOME, RUINS THANKSGIVING BY HEYWOOD JABLOMI PRAY MY FATHER AWAY
Home Sweet Home- James Thompson expected a warm welcome when he arrived home after years of estrangement. After leaving for cigarettes in mid-2013, he got lost on his way home from the convenience store, accidentally involved himself in a CIA sting operation that lead to the arrest of several weapons dealers, became an undercover agent overseas, voted for Trump, quit smoking, and finally retired from service to see his family on Thanksgiving. Although his initial return was awkward, as this was the first holiday his wife invited her boyfriend, too, he remained optimistic for a pleasant dinner. The first surprise came when
I ALWAYS KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME JUST WISH IT WASN'T LIKE THIS
he discovered his eldest child had come out as genderfluid and changed their name to Blair. He claimed they would “always be his daughter”, immediately alienating them after years of separation and poisoning the well for the rest of
dinner. Blair counted themself the lucky one, though, as their sister Becca had invited her boyfriend to dinner, who is black. Yes, that detail is important, I’m not just throwing it in. James has always prided Continued on Page 2
Woefully Unprepared Since 1970
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