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INSTA: @themediumRU
September 30th 2015
Volume XLX Issue III 50¢ MOST OF THIS ISN'T EVEN SATIRE
RUWIRELESS SERVER ATTACKS CREDITED TO LACK OF FUNDING BY DA MAYOR VENERABLE HOMELESS MAN
NEW BRUNSWICK — This Monday, Rutgers experienced yet another massive network failure due to a series of Distributed Denial of Service (DDoS) attacks. In the last year, Rutgers has been attacked by the same party five times. President Barchi and the Office of Information Technology are working diligently to inform students that they will remain as apathetic as is humanly possible during the attacks. The attacks have left RUWireless down for almost the entirety of Monday. Don Smith, vice-president of Rutgers’ Office of Information Technology, commented on the incident. In an email to the students and faculty, Smith wrote, “Yeah, we literally have no idea what we’re doing. We’re working on it as hard as we can, but also that’s not even very hard, so you never know. You win some, you lose some.” The email does
FROM VP TO VIP Underwhelmed by his wages, it is believed that Smith has embezzled millions.
a great job of making it explicitly clear that the OIT has no power to do anything about the attacks, despite the fancy new security investment. This is just another example of a long string of attacks. The university invested $3 million over the summer in cyber security, which was cited as the main reason for a 2.3%
tuition hike this year. President Barchi spoke out to address the concerns of excessive spending for no apparent reason. “We thought $3 million would be enough, but clearly it hasn’t done anything. We’re looking at another tuition hike for next year to combat the problem. Since cybersecurity is clearly a Continued on Page A7
SUBBED WAY
Only Matter of Time Before Local Hero's Scandal Revealed
BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS IRRESPONSIBLE UNCLE
SOMERSET, NJ — Olympic athlete and local resident, Jarrel Fogwell is known for his gold medal win at the 2012 London Olympics in Badminton. He is both a national treasure and an inspiration for his community. However, all that may change before his next appearance at the 2016 Rio de Janeiro games due to incoming reports of his eventual scandal. Anticipation surrounding the upcoming reveal of the homegrown role model’s reputation-tarnishing disgrace has been the topic of discussion for many eager fans and friends of Fogwell. Some expectation that they may soon wall and throw them, tattered, have already hung posters of be able to angrily rip them off the Continued on Page A7 him in their bedrooms with the
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