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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
April 20th, 2022
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NJ GOV'T LEGALIZES WEED SALES FOR PHARMA COMPANIES ONE DAY TOO LATE BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE CRAVING A CHEESEBURGER
Back in the dark ages of 2021, New Jersey became one of the growing number of states to legalize marijuana. However, in the grand spirit of our state government, they didn’t legalize the sale of marijuana that same year. One may be tempted to ask, “Oh gee, why would the state government not organize the sale of marijuana at the same time they were legalizing it?” In essence, it goes something like this: State reps wouldn’t be able to receive their ‘measly’ salaries until the pharma companies got a piece of the action. Meanwhile, the piece of the action (the licenses) wouldn’t want any part until it got a slice of the pie… And, as one may expect, the slice of the pie in question wouldn’t
be able to do anything until it got it’s cut. (Which it did, much to everyone’s complete and utter horror. Jesus Christ, never in my life did I think I’d see a slice of pie get brutally murdered in front of everyone, I mean dear God, this is a travesty, holy fu-)
In essence, the legalization of sales was delayed due to classic New Jerseyan corruption. Of course, since it’s essentially a part of New Jersey culture at this point to have an inept government, you cannot criticize it (but we’re gonna do that anyways). Continued on Page 2
HEY, COULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY CALC EXAM?
‘LET ME SOLO HER’ NOW SOLOING PEOPLE’S EXAMS BY LEAHCIM C. EKWAH PRAYING I GET CARRIED
With the spring semester coming to a close, many Rutgers students have struggled with the sudden rise in their workloads, with many assignments coming around right before finals. This is an inevitable reality for any college student, whether they’re majoring in Civil Engineering, English, Economics, etc. Recently, however, a series of strange occurrences have taken place that has shaken this notion, with a mysterious stranger reportedly roaming around campus, all while completing an innumerable amount of assignments for random people. The stranger in question has been described as a muscular white male standing six feet tall, wearing
nothing but a massive steel jar with engravings on their head and a dirty, worn-out loincloth around their waist. They’ve also been noted to be carrying around a pair of bloodied katanas, with one in each hand, but it’s likely they’re just for show rather than for actual usage. (Coincidentally, there have been
fewer coyote sightings around Livingston Campus ever since the sightings of this man began.) As of now, the stranger, who’s been collectively referred to by several students as ‘Let Me Solo Her’ after the sole phrase uttered by the figure (Sidenote: I don’t know Continued on Page 2
Smoking Weed E'ry Day Since 1970
Earth Celebrates 14.1 Billionth Birthday. Are You Feeling Old Yet? News Editor High As A Kite While Editing This Paper Who Gives A Shit About Earth Day Anyhow? "You're Too Late, Spiderman! Weed Has Been Legalized!" "But You're The One Getting Smoked, Gobby!" Dodgers Fans Place Bounty On Dodgers' Manager Dave Roberts Next Week: Lil Nas X To Interview The Medium Local Banana Brutally Assaulted By A Fucking Hot Dog