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March 2nd 2016
Volume LI Issue VI 50¢ WE PRINT TUESDAY MORNINGS
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES WIN PARTY NOMS BY WACKADOODLE O'NALLY CUB REPORTER
'MURICA—Tuesday evening, (Republican candidate) won the nomination for Republican candidate, much to the surprise of (obscure demographic) all over the country. (Female Jewish name) of Highland Park recalled last night’s political news coverage. “Oy, it was such a (Yiddish word)! As soon as (Republican candidate) won the (state) primary, it was all over. One person got so (emotion), he went up to President (celebrity) and (past tense verb) his (body part)! (Exclamation), what a shanda!” With his stance on (controversial issue) still yet to be deciphered, citizens will be (adjective) to see how he will (verb) with it. Everyone will be focusing on (Republican candidate) and how the (plural noun) of presidency might affect him. The overwhelming public reaction is (emotion) that
(Republican candidate) gave praise and recognition to the other candidates, including "Jeb!" What a good sport! At press time, speculative reports have innundated the
BY JON GALT BLUES EDITOR
UNITED STATES—Last night, (Democratic candidate) won (preferred gender possessive pronoun) party’s nomination.
"THE PARTIES' CANDIDATES HAVE BEEN DETERMINED AND SURPRISE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE" (Republican candidate) and (Democratic candidate) debate the issues that will definitely focus more on personal affairs than anything that affects the populus.
media outlets regarding the possibility of an independent campaign from (Washington outsider). This could be a considerable concern for GOP officials come election time.
According to (news site), it was the most (adjective) Super Tuesday anyone has seen since (major historical event). President (same celebrity) addressed the events of last
TROUBLE IN PARADISE
Rutgers Honors College Given List of Princeton Rejects BY RANDY BUTTERNUBS TOASTY BUNS
NEW BRUNSWICK—Sighing once again as that time of the year approaches; Rutgers Honors College administrators were sent, via email, the list of rejected applicants to Princeton University from which the Honors College will be admitting its own students. The Honors College, which opened this past Fall Semester with the Class of 2019, has since established itself as a reasonable safety school for prospective students applying to Ivy League universities. As such, the Honors College benefits from the rejections of said students as a way to fill the expensive dormitories built off of Seminary Place. These Ivy League castoffs are presented the unique
"TIGER-MAN NO MORE!" Giraj Patel, predicted valedictorian of his county's magnet high school, accepted his fate and reluctantly abandoned the sweatshirt he so confidently purchased during a tour last spring.
opportunity to come together and share their excuses of why their first choice university may have rejected them and now have to attend a ‘pretty good I guess’ state university.
“I mean, everything was going great at first,” said Dean Matt Matsuda of the Honors College. “The students were cheerful at first, being freshmen Continued on Page 2
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night earlier today. “I’d like to (verb) the two candidates on their (noun) last night. Truly remarkable. I’d also like to extend my (plural noun) to those candidates who (antonym of previous verb) last night. You guys (past tense verb) a (adjective) campaign, and that’s something to truly be (emotion). Our reporters managed to interview some people on the street, to hear what they had to say about the night. (Mother’s maiden name) said, “Incredible night. After the candidates won, I ran out onto (childhood street’s name) with my pet (childhood pet’s name), and we must have cheered for at least (social security number) times. It was (adjective).” Due to the intense competition between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, this could have been anyone's game. Therefore, the public reaction to one of them being nominated was overwhelmingly (reaction).
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