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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 23rd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M UNICYCLING TO WORK
QUICKIES
BIDEN DUMPS PUTIN AS DEALER, MADURO NOW POTENTIAL PLUG BY: MICHAEL C. HAWKE FUCK GAS IS EXPENSIVE
Reports have come in from Venezuela recently that as a result of Joe Biden placing sanctions on Russian oil in response to their highly controversial invasion of Ukraine, the administration has begun searching for alternative options to make up for the sudden supply gap, with White House officials being seen in Caracas meeting with Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro. The subject of the meeting focused on the matter of lifting current sanctions from the impoverished nation in order for the United States to secure a steady secure source of oil within the next couple years. In exchange for lifting the sanctions, some of the terms discussed on the part of the Venezuelans would include releasing several CITGO workers from subbing in Venezuelan
prisons, getting some dummy thick bribes on the side from various American energy companies, alongside having another reliable location to offshore the money of numerous CEOs and billionaires. Why Venezuela instead of, say, Canada, another prominent
oil supplier? According to various reports from within the White House, the few White House officials that traveled to Canada in order to encourage further oil trade between the United States and Canada were promptly chased away by a flock of tactical Continued on Page 2
GODDAMN, CAILLOU'S MOM IS LOOKING FINE AS FUCK
PBS TO REBRAND AS PORN BROADCASTING SERVICE BY HARRY NUTTSACC JACKING OFF TO CAILLOU'S MA
Following continued defunding by Republicans, PBS, the Public Broadcasting Service, has decided to conduct a major overhaul in order to stay relevant. The new network will keep its acronym but will now be recognized as the Porn Broadcasting Service, altering its shows to fit within this theme. The primary directive of the programming on PBS for many years has been public education, both for adults and children alike. Most of the existing children's shows on PBS are centered around teaching kids how to read and write or about the world around them; now, the shows on PBS are going to center around fucking. The currently-running programs on
PBS have already been amended in order to entice a broader audience: Wild Kratts, originally about two brothers playing with animals, will now be Wild Skatts, a show about two brothers playing with each others' assholes; Curious George will remain curious, but less about the people in his neighborhood and
more about the cocks and pussies of his neighbors. Old shows that have been off the air for some time will also get a redesign, according to an executive at PBS, so that the channel still has reruns to air: Martha Speaks is easy enough to change into Martha Streaks as the dog was Continued on Page 2
Sucking Dick For Gas Money Since 1970
After Ukranian Invasion, NATO Applications Increase By 9000% Polish PM Says To Putin, "Fuck Around And Find Out." Oil At $420.69 Per Barrel China Gives Ukranians $69 And Pocket Lint Next Week: An Exclusive Interview Between The Medium And Lil Nas X Notre Dame Revealed To Be More Irish Than Ireland Bisexual Confused, Unsure Of Whether They Want To Have Sex With Batman or Catwoman