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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
March 2nd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 BRO, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING PUT HERE
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KETANJI BROWN JACKSON TO BECOME FIRST BLACK WOMAN KAVANAUGH & BARRETT TALK TO BY HARRY NUTTSACC NOW HAS FOUR NUTS
President Joe Biden made history last Friday when he declared that he was nominating Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, solidifying himself as the least racist president in United States history. Jackson, a current member of DC's federal appellate court, could make history as the first Black woman to be a member of the Supreme Court if she is confirmed. However, her confirmation will also bring with it another historic first: Jackson might become the first Black woman Justices Brett Kavanaugh and Amy Coney Barrett have ever talked to. Many have speculated since Justice Stephen Breyer announced his retirement on who would be his replacement; Jackson very quickly became the frontrunner in the process. Early on, Biden was asked
on who he thought was best suited for the position, to which he replied, "Listen, champ. I'm looking to make history. I don't want to just be the president who looks and talks like he had a stroke ten minutes ago. I'm gonna one-up Barack on this one, you better believe it, sport." With
that, it was all but confirmed that Jackson would be his nominee, making Friday's announcement less surprising. However, as the nomination was confirmed, many recognized that Jackson would be the first Black woman either Kavanaugh or Barrett have ever Continued on Page 2
WAS IT WALDO? MUST'VE BEEN WALDO
US INTELLIGENCE DISCOVERS WHO WAS IN PARIS AFTER NEARLY 11 YEARS BY EYANK EAST NOW BEING EPSTEINED
In 2011, Jay Z and Kanye West made headlines when they asked the all-important question: “Who was in Paris?” The duo had begun the investigation, but something interfered that caused them to give up. Instead, they wove careful clues to the progress they had made in their song. The lyric, “motherfuckers wanna find me”, suggested that whoever they were, they knew they were being searched for, while, “What’s fifty grand to a motherfucker like me”, alluded to the mysterious figure being extremely wealthy. The state department at the time made an effort to discover who it was that could terrify two of the most powerful men in the world, but the
case was soon dropped due to a lack of leads. Thankfully, not everyone gave up. A small group at the CIA continued the hunt in secret for several years. It wasn’t until 2020 that the issue would be raised again,
when then President Donald ‘Show Me The Money’ Trump suggested that Hunter Biden’s emails were hiding in Paris that the search once again gained public attention. Although deemed to be offbase, Trump’s ramblings nevertheless Continued on Page 2
Dealing With A Shit Supreme Court Since 1970
World Learns That Putin Wasn't Capping
Rubble In Kyiv Found To Be Worth More Than The Ruble Russian War Boat Fucks Itself Medium Personals Editor Is Just A Banana Man Wishes Ghost of Kyiv Actually Existed Canadian Government To Send Tactical Geese To Ukrainians Paddington Bear Fights Against Russian Bear Correction: Russians Have Invaded Ukraine On 2/22/22 Instead of 2/26/22