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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 23rd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 HONK HONK MOTHERFUCKERS
CANANDIAN GOV'T DEPLOYS TACTICAL GEESE IN OTTAWA BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE SHITTING MY PANTS
Within the past three weeks, significant protesting has taken place within the Canadian capital city of Ottawa, where right wing protesters have strongly voiced their opposition to measures imposed by the federal government in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, including a vaccine mandate required for truckers to cross the US-Canadian border. Aside from the city of Ottawa, many similar protests had also popped up in Canada, most notably on the Ambassador Bridge, a major supply route from Michigan to Ontario. Much of these protests had been broken up within the past few days, with protests in Ottawa being the exception. Many have speculated that this is due to the Ottawa Police Department being a bunch of fucking pussies,
alongside Ontarian Premier Doug Ford’s own willful inaction. In response to the worsening situation, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau invoked the Emergencies Act, giving the Canadian federal gov’t temporary powers, allowing them to confront the protests in
a more direct manner. With the invocation of the Emergencies Act, the Canadian government immediately employed the use of the RCMP’s infamous tactical geese squads within Ottawa. Officially known as the Waterfowl Riot Team (WRTs), the unit was Continued on Page 2
WAS NICE KNOWING Y'ALL, MOTHERFUCKERS
THE MEDIUM IS CANCELED BY BEN CUM NOW OUT OF A JOB
Well, it finally happened, the Medium was canceled. I can’t say I’m shocked, I’m honestly more surprised at how long it took. Who finally did us in? The Former Yugoslav Students Union. They had an issue with our recent article “I Hate the Former Republic of Yugoslavia '' and contacted The New York Times. You’ve probably read the hit piece by now. These so called professional journalists dug up thirty years of offenses, including the September 2001 article “Three Reasons Why Terrorism is Good”, the August 2009 opinion piece “I Don’t Care That You’re Homeless and Can’t Feed Your Family” and the November 2016 article, “thank god our guy won!”. They
also uncovered the information that we’ve secretly been receiving funding from Breitbart and PragerU. The New York Times article has really picked up some speed in the past week. By now you’ve probably heard about us
from multiple media sources. Tucker Carlson dedicated a time slot to defending us and critiquing modern universities. We are still expecting an apology from James Corden, burning a copy of the paper and staring into the camera Continued on Page 2
Getting Our Eyes Pecked Out Since 1970
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