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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 2nd, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $9.69 INSERT M&M RELATED SEX JOKE HERE
MARS INC. TO BEGIN RELEASING M&M PORN
BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE MELTING M&MS IN MY MOUTH
In a sudden turn of course by the Mars Incorporation, an announcement has been made by the prominent food manufacturer that they would be reversing their decision to ‘desexualize’ the anthropomorphic characters within their M&M commercials, and would instead choose to create more ‘sensual’ commercials. The logic behind this drastic change was explained over a phone interview we held with Mars CEO Grant F. Reid: “Me and the rest of the board were on a four-day bender when we came up with the idea. Now right before we dried out, we thought to ourselves, wait, why are we making these M&M characters into lifeless forms? Who’s going to want to purchase our cavitycausing product if there’s absolutely
no sex appeal? Why don’t we just appeal to the baser instincts of our customers and produce porn out of the fuckers, I mean sex still sells in this day and age, doesn’t it?” As a result of this new decision, Mars has begun to rapidly contract
and hire a wide array of artistic talent from around the world, with many of these artists coming from Japan. When we asked one of the animators regarding their opinion about this drastic marketing change, they had this to say, “You know, I always hoped I Continued on Page 2
THE NEXT SUPERFUND SITE
THIS JUST IN: DEMAREST HALL STINKS! BY BEN CUM NOT GOOD, NOT TERRIBLE
Have you noticed a sulfurlike smell while walking down College Avenue, especially in the Bishop Quads area? Don’t worry, you’re not schizophrenic, there really is an egg smell emanating from the area, and it's coming from Demarest Hall. Demarest Hall is a special interest dorm, which basically means only freaks live there. I wouldn’t recommend visiting: if you are not one of “them” and you enter the building they release a tiny old Italian woman who starts beating you with a broom and mumbling angrily in her native tongue until you leave. There is also a free speech issue, I’ve heard rumors that concepts such as “The
Marvel Cinematic Universe”, “Busch” and “Heterosexuality” are barred from being discussed. I’ve also heard that residents have “Eyes Wide Shut”-esque sex parties (orgies) with each other where the inclusion of food is not only allowed, but ENCOURAGED! Essentially,
this building is an affront to God and all of his creations. Why does it smell you ask? The artsy fartsy students there refuse to shower as they claim it stunts their creativity: “Asking an artist to take a shower is like asking Continued on Page 2
Beating Off To Sweets Since 1970
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