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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
February 16th, 2022
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX $6.99 PLEASE RETURN RUTGERS BUSES, I BEG YOU
RUTGERS BUSES MIGRATE TO FLORIDA FOR THE WINTER BY MICHAEL C. HAWKE PUBLIC TRANSIT USER
Amidst complaints from a vast number of Rutgers students about the college’s public transportation system, many have repeatedly begged the question: where did the buses go? After a brief investigation by the Medium, we have been able to uncover the truth: about 1/3rd of the Rutgers University bus fleet has reportedly flocked to Florida in order to escape the brutal Northeastern winter. Once this discovery was made, we briefly called Bus #4269 (aka Gus) of the LX line for a statement. “Look man, I know you poor bastards are freezing to death out there just waiting for us, and I’m kinda sorry about… nah I’m just kidding, I’m a bus, I don't give a shit at all about you flesh monkeys. That being said, that’s the reason
why we hauled ass all the way down here to Miami, my guy! Tell me, do you have the slightest idea as to what road salt does to our fucking organs? Practically kills them at the moment of contact… well after, say, ten years, but that isn’t the point! Now fuck off, lemme
get some sun!” As a result of the lack of buses, many Rutgers students have been forced to resolve to unorthodox measures in order to get around the Rutgers-New Brunswick campus. Aside from squeezing into the buses like Continued on Page 2
GOD, I COULD USE A THERAPY SESSION MYSELF
FAUCI SCHEDULES MORE THERAPY SESSIONS AFTER MASK MANDATES LIFTED BY BUCHE LARREST CUFFS ARE PRETTY LOOSE RN
Recently, Fauci was found scheduling more scheduling sessions. This comes after Democratic governors and mayors lift mask mandates or letting them expire. The Medium was able to grab a transcript of one of Fauci’s therapy sessions. Throughout the therapy session, Fauci claimed that he had nightmares of Senator Rand Paul laughing about lifting mask mandates and vaccine mandates and breaking lockdowns. The therapist continued to play devil’s advocate, asking why COVID mask mandates needed to be maintained given the decline in omnicron. Soon, Fauci was in tears. “My legacy, my future, down the
tubes. Soon, I’ll have to do gain of function research at the Wuhan laboratory.” The therapist started laughing. Fauci stared confused. Soon, the therapist took off his mask and revealed that he was in fact, Rand Paul!
Fauci went into convulsions. Rand Paul soon laughed in a maniacal way. “Doctor Fauci, I have converted the Dems against you. Murphy, Bowser, Newsom, they are all my minions and I plan to Continued on Page 2
Waiting An Hour For A Bus Since 1970
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