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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
December 8th, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ CARTER'S KD RATIO: 6.9
CARTER BACK AT IT AGAIN, KILLS BOB DOLE HARRY NUTTSACC IN THE WRINKED FLESH
A couple of months ago, former-President Bill Clinton found himself hospitalized with an apparent blood infection. It was soon revealed (fairly openly) by one of Jimmy Carter's Secret Service agents that Carter was fully responsible, having laid-inwaiting outside of Clinton's home for him to call his secretary outside (away from Hillary). Once he was alone, Clinton received a blow dart to the neck and ended up in the hospital. This same agent also told The Medium that Carter had been responsible for the deaths of H.W. and Reagan, as well, in an attempt to be the only living president. It seems that Carter's aspirations do not end at being the only living president and he may be trying to be the oldest retired politician alive today as the nation
heard the news of Bob Dole's death on Sunday. Dole, former Senate majority leader for the Republican party, was probably a really shitty person, having served under both Nixon and Reagan (fuck those guys). He may have attracted the attention of Carter when Dole attended the service for H.W. at the
Capitol's rotunda in 2018. Carter was present, of course, all serial killers love any opportunity to test their luck; I personally believe that the mere sight of a more ancient motherfucker sent Carter into a rage. One Methuselah is sure to be threatened by another, and it is Continued on Page 2
BRINGING THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, ONE PRISONER AT A TIME
CIA FOUND TO TORTURE CAPTIVES WITH HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIES MICHAEL C. HAWKE HOLIDAYS ARE SHEER TORTURE
The nation has been in awe for the past week as whistleblower reports have come out from Washington that the C.I.A, who has been known to utilize waterboarding in interrogations, employed another unheard tactic that has been deemed as inhumane, with some suggesting it is even worse than waterboarding itself. According to the source, who wished to not be identified for their own safety, captives from Afghanistan that were being interrogated were forced to watch Christmas movies from the Hallmark Channel for lengthy periods of time, reportedly for as long as three days straight, with no time provided for rest. Captives had to watch only three
movies: Switch for Christmas, Alongside the use of Hallmark Journey Back for Christmas, and Christmas movie marathons, The Christmas Ornament. Continued on Page 2
Seeing Shitty Christmas Films Since 1970
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