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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
December 1st, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ STUPID SEXY CORONAVIRUS
COVID-19 GOES TO GYM, DELETES FACEBOOK, STARTS A NEW BUSINESS MICHAEL C. HAWKE VACCINATED AS FUCK
Reports have recently come in from South Africa regarding a new coronavirus variant that has now been called ‘Omicron.' As of now, it has already been spotted in a handful of nations, such as Germany, the UK, Belgium, and more. The variant in question has, so far, eluded scientists in its origins, with the main theory being that it originated as a result of infecting an immunocompromised person. The reality, however, is far scarier (and simultaneously simpler) than initially thought. It turns out that the coronavirus hasn’t mutated, but merely has sought to improve itself, both mentally and physically. As a result of this recent change, we have decided to hold an interview with the coronavirus in its most recent form, to try and
figure out just why it decided to go through such changes. This brief interview was conducted live at the coronavirus’ home, as the virus refused to do so virtually. Upon first greeting the virus, who asked to be called Mr. Corona, it was immediately noticed that the virus had packed
on some muscle, with its 6’ 5” figure almost akin to a Greek God. For this interview, we asked him a simple question: why the change? His response: “Yeah, well, the numbers I’ve been hitting this last year just haven’t been cutting it for me. Continued on Page 2
BRR, BITCH!
MARIAH CAREY FINALLY RELEASED FROM CRYOGENIC CHAMBER FOR CHRISTMAS PENELOPE P. UZZY BRR, IT'S COLD IN HERE
With Thanksgiving having recently ended and Christmas coming closer, it’s that time of year again for Christmas songs to blare through every single store intercom, radio station, and concert around the nation, making clerks around the world contemplate suicide. It is also that time of year, coincidentally, that Mariah Carey has stepped out of her cryogenic chamber. Following Thanksgiving, reports came out that the famous singer, known primarily for her hit song, "All I Want For Christmas Is You," has been sighted around the grounds of the CIA’s headquarters in Langley, VA. This is not the first time that she has been seen in
Langley, as sightings similar to this asked CIA representatives about one go as far back as the beginning the sighting, they had nothing to of Mariah Carey’s career. When we Continued on Page 2
Wanting to Fuck Viruses Since 1970
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Santa Claus Vaccinated From COVID Man Rises From Food Coma After One Week With Finals Closing In, Students Procrastinate At Rate of 9000% WHO Forgets Greek Alphabet Order Student Gets Fucked By RU But Not in a Sexy Way Obvious Murderers Gets Charged With Murder Student Brutally Murdered By Busch Geese Ghislane Maxwell's 'Suicide' Has Been Planned For Following Year