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*PUBLISHED WEEKLY
November 3rd, 2021
VOLUME CDXX ISSUE LXIX 69¢ REPORTED
TO ATTRACT NEW MEMBERS THE MEDIUM STARTS USING DICK-SUCKING CHAIRS HARRY NUTTSAAC SAAC IS NOW DRAINED
Within weeks of re-emerging from their bunker beneath the Livingston Student Center, The Medium is looking for any way possible for them to interest and retain new members. As so many members of the club perished during the pandemic (most from starvation or cannibalism), The Medium is desperate to replace those members and find more suckers to do their jobs. It was just this idea, about whatever suckers we might lure in, that led to the organization's newest idea: using chairs that will suck your schlong. This was only one of many ideas that The Medium had to attract new membership: a bake sale, another bake sale, and yet another bake sale were among other ideas floated. Despite the appeal of a bake
sale, the dick-sucking chairs won over the vote of every single penis-having writer at the paper (including my own). The Medium immediately commissioned enough chairs to satisfy every member of the paper and many, many more. Each chair comes with
a lusciously-lipped lap bar meant to suck the soul of anyone sitting in the seat. Y'all remember that scene from Monsters Inc where Randall uses that vacuum tube or whatever on Mike? Yeah, that was the inspiration for the sucking power of these chairs. Continued on Page 2
WATERWORLD 2 (LIVE) COMING OUT 2050
POLITICIANS FLOCK TO GLASGOW TO SPOUT SOME BULLSHIT ABOUT SAVING EARTH MICHAEL C. HAWKE CAW CAW BITCH
From Nov. 1st to Nov. 12th, tens of thousands of environmentalists, reporters, activists, and other walks of life will be gathering in one of the world’s drunkest cities, Glasgow, in order to attend the 2021 UN Climate Change Conference, otherwise known as COP26, which in reality should be known as (total) CAP26. The main subject of the conference in question will be climate change, or more specifically, how every single nation in the world isn’t going to do jackshit about it again, all thinly veiled under the guise of political speeches, slideshows, and lies. The most prominent figures expected to attend the conference
for the next couple weeks will be politicians like US President Joe Biden, French President Emmanuel Macron, and UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Meanwhile, others like Chinese President Xi Jinping and Russian President Vladimir Putin have announced that they will not be attending the conference.
The reasoning behind this has been attributed to their opposition to policies against climate change, but with that being said, it is likely they’re also aware that their mere presence won’t make a fucking difference in whether or not we end up in a live version of Waterworld, Continued on Page 2
Dreading Our Future Since 1970
QUICKIES
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